My Infertility Story

A Changing Heart

2012-02-29T09:04:00.000-08:00

There is so much going on in my husband and my life right now. He is up for a promotion and we may be moving this summer. I am about to start my own business. We are not currently trying to conceive.

We haven't REALLY been ttc since last summer. Some months I still get my hopes up. Maybe it is because I've been insanely busy, or maybe it's because I've been working part time in a children's clothing store, but I'm having a lot of anxiety at the thought of having children. I don't think I can accurately put into writing all of the things that I've been working through, but I will try because there may be one other girl out there feeling the way I am and thinking she's crazy too! :)

I look at parents out shopping with their kids and think to myself how horrible it is that these moms speak to their children and husbands with such disdain. Does having kids mean you will be miserable? Hate your kids, hate your husband, hate your life, get fat and ugly, get divorced and be a single mom? I honestly do not know a single couple that has children that I actually envy. They all seem MISERABLE!

I am not saying that these couples would necessarily have been blissfully happy if they had not had children. I am not saying that I didn't whole-heartedly want a baby for the past three years. I'm not saying that I don't still get choked up over the idea of having a human growing inside of me that looks like a combination of me and my husband. What I'm saying is that I have concerns.

I've never seen myself as the woman who has kids and they become her whole life. I think my husband and I would be great parents and would create a really nice life for a child. I still plan to be myself, have my dreams, enjoy my life with my husband, etc. So will it really be that horrible if we never have children? We are a really happy couple. We've been together for nine years, married for almost six and we're still madly in love.

I guess what I'm saying is that if it is a choice, I would choose happiness and love with my husband over a child I've never met.

This all leads me to wonder if I even belong here anymore (in this world of IF). I appreciate that this is a space where I can think things through. I hope that my thoughts have resonated in others and helped in their journey. But I don't know if IF is something I want to dwell on anymore. I'm not actively trying to have a child like most IF bloggers are, so I don't necessarily need the TWW support. I just don't know if my participation right now brings me back to a place of pain where I no longer want to be. But at the same time, there is something in the back of my mind telling me as I type that there will be a time in the future when I will need this again.

I prayed to God that if this is not the right time for us that He would remove the desire from my heart, and it seems as though He has. So I'm just waiting and trusting that when/if the desire to have a child comes back, it will be His time. Until then, I will be here supporting all of the courageous women who are navigating the world of IF, and praying that you get all of the desires of your hearts.

Silence

2012-02-16T17:42:00.001-08:00

I know I've been MIA. I have been trying to be silent and just listen to God. I have a lot to share, but I'm still gathering words. Big changes are coming, I can feel it. Right now I'm just trying to stay super focused, but soon I will share more.

Sending baby dust to all of you and lots of love. xoxo

Trying to Make Myself Feel Better

2012-01-30T13:04:00.000-08:00

I turn 26 and my husband turns 30 in about 4 months...and I'm FREAKIN OUT! I know, I know, we're still young and blady blady blah. I just never thought when we got married that we would be the ages we are and not have kids. So I'm trying to cope with the idea that I may not become a mom until I'm 30.

Last night I ran into a customer that I used to help about six years ago when I was working at Limited Too. Her daughter is now 12 and she has a 1 year old baby girl. What I did not know is that six years ago when I was dressing her 6 year old little girl, she was fighting the infertility battle. She told me the story of six years of trying to have another child, countless treatments, shots, and traveling to other states to see the best infertility doctors in the country. Not one of them was able to get her to ovulate!!! Finally, two years ago she was sitting at the pool and watching women chase their young children around decided that she wasn't really interested in having any more children at 31 years old. So she and her husband decided that he would get a vasectomy. He made an appt, but missed it because of a work emergency. He rescheduled. He missed that appt because he got into a car accident on the way to the appt! Six months later, she got sick on vacation and once she got home she decided to take a pregnancy test. It was positive! She dismissed it because it was such an old test. She took two more tests before she could believe that it was true! She said it was really hard to accept because she had come to terms with the fact that she had the perfect life with her husband and daughter and she was terrified because of her age. The pregnancy was extremely difficult and she really didn't ever believe that it would end in a healthy baby, so when she took her baby girl home from the hospital she hadn't prepared at all.

On one hand this comforts me (to the fact that it's never too late for a miracle), and on the other it terrifies me (that she said it was so much harder to be in her 30s with a baby). I really really really wanted to be a young mom. So I found this little article about some studies that say it is better to wait until 30 to have children. Check it out HERE! And I'm trying to really be mindful about my thoughts on the subject and keep an open mind to the fact that it may be okay that I may not become a mother in my 20s.

Prayers

2012-01-21T18:11:00.000-08:00

I've put a lot of the plans that I had for my life into God's hands in the past year. I decided that I have no control over many things anyway, so I just pray that God will give me peace. Yesterday, I knew AF would be coming (I started spotting) after a really long week of "teases" and I started praying that God would give me peace. I prayed that He would keep me from the pain, give me clarity and make my will match His.

I have to say that when I started my period today I was nothing but slightly annoyed. I'm not saying that my period is of the utmost importance to God when He is going through prayers, but just that there is peace in giving difficult times to God.

Today I'm asking for His forgiveness for being bitter and angry and doubtful. Some days are really crappy on this journey, but I trust that the future holds great things for my life. I trust that this is not all there is. I trust that one day I will be a mom.

That Bitch Hasn't Shown Up Yet

2012-01-18T20:10:00.000-08:00

I still have not started my period. I track my cycles on my phone and since July 2010 I have not had a cycle longer than 35 days with an average of 33 days. Today was day 35. I am nauseous, boobs still sore, skin horrible, bloated, hungry, etc. No cramps, I thought I saw a tiny bit of pink earlier on the toilet paper. I AM SO FREAKING ANNOYED!

I don't know how fertiles do it, but every time I have the tiniest hope that I may be pregnant, I obsess over it every second of the day. I think about how I will tell everyone. I think about the next nine months. I invision maternity clothes. I think about whether or not we will want to know the sex of the baby. I OBSESS! And to know that all of this obsessing is probably for nothing and I will get my period tomorrow is almost more than I can take.

All day I have just been praying and asking God to not let me sit here and hope and be miserable any longer if I'm not pregnant. And if I am pregnant that it will be a healthy baby. It just isn't fair to get my hopes up and to drag it out. It makes it so much worse. I'm just praying that If I'm not pregnant I will start my period by tomorrow morning, if not I guess I will take another test (I freaking hate seeing that stupid lonely line).

P.S.You guys have left me the sweetest and most encouraging messages that I've really needed this week, so thank you sooo much!!!!! xoxo

BFN. What Else Is New?

2012-01-16T17:22:00.000-08:00

I broke down and tested. Yup, same as the hundreds of others I've taken over the past 3 years, one freaking stupid pink line. Do you know what I have to say to that pink line? F YOU!

So then I went to the grocery store. No one there knew that I had cried the whole way there. No one knew that I was cursing the pregnancy test isle in my head as I walked by. A lone infertile again in fertile land.

I don't know why I'm so sad about it since we weren't even trying. It just seems like we're inching closer and closer to the three year mark and I'm terrified that we will never get pregnant. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I guess I always think in the back of my mind that we will just get pregnant naturally when we least expect it.

F you BS pregnancy symptoms! Where the hell is AF anyway? The biggest reason that I allowed myself to entertain the idea that I could be pregnant is that I haven't even started spotting or cramping and I'm supposed to be on my period today. I'm so freaking sick of getting my hopes up. So sick of being disappointed. Sick of feeling stupid for even being optimistic.

Right now I'm really depressed and I feel very hopeless. I don't think I'll ever see those two pink lines.

UGH

2012-01-16T08:39:00.000-08:00

I'm supposed to start my period TODAY, and here's what's been happening.

Tuesday (~11dpo): right and left ovaries swollen and painful (very similar to ovulation on clomid)
Wednesday: still having ovary pain but only on right side
Thursday: I'm a starving crazy lady (just like on clomid) and right ovary pain
Friday: right ovary pain, sore breasts....margaritas and a new tattoo (so according to how fertiles do it, that means I'm probably pregnant ;P)
Saturday: right ovary pain, no spotting or signs of AF what-so-ever
Sunday: no ovary pain, bloated, very sore breasts (even my husband noticed that they're really heavy and swollen), starving, no signs of AF

(I'm not sure what is going on with the ovary pain. It could be from possible endo. Could be a corpus luteum cyst.)

So here's the deal, my average cycle is 33 days, ending today, with a max of 35 days. I'm seriously fighting the urge to take a pregnancy test until at least day 35 because that biatch AF always seems to show up a day late and a dollar short. I'm really battling the thoughts that are running through my head telling me I'm pregnant because if 34 months of TTC have taught me anything, it's that I'm not pregnant. Unfortunately 34 months of TTC have also taught me that everything is a possible pregnancy symptom and "as soon as you stop trying you'll get pregnant". The irony of "not trying" to have a baby is that it doesn't mean that you no longer want one or you are going to stop having sex, so I still find myself just as hopeful each month as I was when we were "trying". (I guess when I was pursuing infertility treatment I had more invested in it and definitely had more hope.) UGH!!!! Now I'm just getting pissed off that I am even letting myself entertain the possibility of being pregnant! So now I'm going to head over to countdowntopregnancy.com to torture myself so more.

UPDATE: According to cdtp^ there is a 28% chance I'm pregnant because I'm not having any spotting and I have many of the same symptoms as about 4% of women who got a BPF...So that was a bad idea. Now I'm dying to take a test. I'm currently viewing a pregnancy due date calculator in another tab. SOMEONE TAKE MY COMPUTER AWAY IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!! How lovely a September baby would be...

34 Months and Still Two Week Waiting

2012-01-09T13:51:00.000-08:00

We aren't "trying" to get pregnant right now, and haven't been really trying since March. By not trying I mean we haven't been tracking ovulation or planning the BD around it. But I still know that I usually ovulate around cd 17 and I still have an app on my phone that tracks AF. So I know that I'm about a week into my tww (if we were "trying"). Some months are easier than others, but every month I have hope until AF rears her ugly head. I know it's silly. I know the chances of us getting pregnant naturally at this point are slim. Most days I really don't even think about getting pregnant (as impossible as that sounds). The strange thing is that it seems like my husband has taken over where I left off.

At first, I was impressed by the idea that he seemed to finally be as pissed off as I was! He came home one day and told me about a woman who asked him when we were going to "finally" try to have a baby. His reaction was exactly what mine would have been. To anyone else this may not seems so impressive, but for nearly three years I've felt like a crazy woman who only thinks about having a baby. But now, every time we have sex (sorry tmi) he says, "what if you're pregnant now" or "could that have gotten you pregnant". I'm kind of glad to see that he cares as much as I do, but I have just gotten to where I can have sex and actually enjoy it without being completely depressed about being infertile and I certainly do not need to be reminded of it. I told him we aren't trying to have a baby right now and I don't want to worry about it. So he said he would worry about it then. I asked him if he would like me to download the app on his phone to track my cycle ;)

Even though it's completely illogical I still have my hopes up once again, thinking that everyone says once you stop trying you'll get pregnant! Even now I just said BS under my breath as I typed it, but I still have my hopes up. I mean it's not impossible. We're having sex and it's not like any of our doctors have told us it's impossible. So this is how I rationalize getting my hopes up. And each month until AF comes, I live in a fantasy world where I am that person that everyone knows who tried to have a baby for years and went through infertility treatments and then just got pregnant naturally after we stopped trying. For seven more days I get to be that girl. And to be perfectly honest, it's more fun being her than the depressed infertile who just got her period for the 34th month in a row.

A New Year

2012-01-02T10:36:00.000-08:00

I had a really tough day yesterday, not a good start to 2012. I feel the same way I did about turning 25. 2012 was this fictional year in the future that I thought would never come. I thought by 2012 I would have it together, be a grown up. I'm feeling very envious of other people's lives. I'm feeling very anxious about starting mine. I'm feeling like (again) I'm stuck in this never never land where its another day and my life is still not what I imagined it would be by now. I know that I've moved forward and I'm way ahead of where I was a year ago, but I still feel behind. In a few short months I will be 26, my husband will be 30 and we will still be childless.

This wouldn't be such a blow if it wasn't for the fact that I am constantly looking around me at all of the exciting things other people are doing and thinking that I just don't measure up. I should be really proud of myself and what I accomplished in 2011 (bachelors degree, starting hair school, happy marriage) but instead, I'm constantly wanting more.

I have no idea why I'm in this funk, but last night I was just laying in be and couldn't sleep thinking about the past year. Why is it that my mind goes straight to all of the bad parts of the last year? All of the hurtful things that people said, the painful decisions I had to make, and feeling like a total loser in life. I've been out of school for a week and I go back tomorrow so maybe that will help to snap me out of it. Maybe sitting at home gave me too much time to think and dwell and peruse Facebook. I hope that's all it is.

I looked to see if my past posts in January left any clues to why I'm feeling this way, but there were none. Maybe that says it all.

New Year's Ballad

2012-01-01T14:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Infertility (You Don't Own Me)

Dear pain, oh, it's been a long time
Remember when you were holding me tight
I would stay awake with you all night
Dear shame, I was safe in your arms
You were there when it all fell apart
I would get so lost in your beautiful eyes

I let you go
But you're still chasing

Go ahead, you're never gonna take me
You can bend, but you're never gonna break me
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Dear hate, I know you're not far
You would wait at the door of my heart
I was amazed at the passion in your cries
Dear anger, you made me so high
You were faithful to show up on time
Such a flame that was burning in your eyes

I let you go
But you're still chasing

Go ahead, you're never gonna take me
You can bend, but you're never gonna break me
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me
Go ahead, put a target on my forehead
You can fire, but you got no bullets
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

You're tempting me to look back
But everything that we had together was a lie

Go ahead, you're never gonna take me
You can bend, but you're never gonna break me
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me
Go ahead, put a target on my forehead
You can fire, but you got no bullets
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

-Disciple (Horseshoes and Handgrenades)

Are Those Happy Tears?

2011-12-27T21:02:00.000-08:00

I feel like life has been really good for the past couple of months. I'm loving hair school. My husband is wonderful as usual. Things just feel really good right now. And yet, I'm very weepy. It may be a song, a comment, a feeling, anything these days can bring me to tears. Maybe it is the holidays. Maybe they're happy tears.

I know this is a little psychotic, but it is how my mind works, always analyzing everything. But I'm sitting here wondering if I'm trying to really focus on how happy things are so I won't think about the one thing I'm missing and that one thing is where the tears are coming from. Like I've decided to change my mindset and choose happiness, but those feelings of pain and hurt that I'm repressing just bubble up every once in a while.

I'm not sure what to do with this, because I don't know if it's a problem or not. It just seems like if you repress feelings they will eventually come to the surface, and I would rather not have a nervous breakdown! But how many times can you purge the same thoughts over and over? I'm just so old and practiced in punishment, that I'm simply not interested in it anymore. I guess I would rather focus on the happy and not let the one thing I don't have affect how I feel about all of the things that I do.

So is it just me always waiting for the bottom to fall out of things and I'm freaking out because things are all really good and calm right now?? Geez I wish I wasn't such a freak!!!!

Christmas Cards

2011-12-22T21:47:00.000-08:00

I have been getting the cutest Christmas cards in the mail this year. It is one of my favorite things at Christmas time to open up the mail and see all of the pictures and well wishes from friends and family. But at the same time, it makes me feel like a loser for not having sent any out this year...or last year. So I started thinking. Have I not sent out a Christmas card because I've been so busy? Yes. But now that I think about it, the first year that my husband and I were married, we sent out generic Christmas cards. The second year, we sent out an adorable Christmas card with photos of us and our puppies. The next year, we sent out a card with a cute picture of the two of us. And last year, I had dreams of sending out a maternity picture of us excited about expanding our family. That card never happened.

So my question is, is it pathetic at some point as a married couple to keep sending out Christmas cards with pictures of ourselves on them? All of our friends have sent us cards with pictures of their kids and a newly engaged couple sent us a card with a CD of holiday music. I don't like generic cards, so I like the idea of a photo, but once you have been married for over 5 years, is it just arrogant/creepy to send out a picture of ourselves? I would just feel weird about it.

Clearly I need some new ideas for a creative Christmas card from the two of us. Or maybe I will just wait and hope that next year we will have a baby bump to take a picture of. Sigh.

Here's another option

Paying Old Medical Bills Is Fun

2011-12-16T18:25:00.000-08:00

I got a bill in the mail from my IF clinic from July and decided to call the billing office to confirm that it was something I had to pay (we've had problems with their billing in the past). After about 30 minutes, they discovered that I have a $70 credit on my account (after sending me a bill for $28...glad I called). So the man told me that if I will be coming back in they can just leave that as a credit on my account for future visits. I said no, we won't be back anytime soon. 30 minutes later, we were about done with the call and the man said, "So did you end up getting pregnant?" Are you fing kidding me???? I almost lost it. It was just so sad to tell yet another complete stranger, "No, not yet, maybe someday, bla bla bla". His awkward reply was, "Well kids are such a blessing. Mine are all grown, so it's grandkids now". Seriously dude, F U!

P.S. AF came to town...

Do You Have Any Children?

2011-12-11T11:56:00.000-08:00

I've been meeting lots of new people lately because I've changed jobs and I'm going to hair school. Getting to know new coworkers, employees, students, instructors, clients. When a new person finds out how long I've been married (five and a half years) the next obvious question is if we have or plan to have kids. I have made the conscious decision to be open about my infertility struggle (the basics and the facts that is, I keep this blog and most of my internal struggle private). So I let them know that we've tried for a while now and that it just hasn't happened for us yet. Then they usually want to know if we've pursued any treatments and I tell them we did for about a year and it didn't work. Finally they say "it will happen when the time is right" and diagnose that I just do too much and "stress really has a lot to do with these things". Then I have to say, "oh, I know! I'm sure we'll get pregnant when the time is right", because no one wants to be the depressing infertile girl.

I'm sure we've all been through this over and over. It just seems like I've been dealing with it a lot lately.

The reason I continue to participate in these conversations is that I feel it is important for me to be honest about our struggle (or as honest as I can be). But I'm not gonna lie to you, it freaking sucks to keep having the same conversation over and over again. It feels good to end the conversation with positivity, but as soon as I state so assuredly that I "know" we'll get pregnant when the time is right, I question it. I don't know that for sure. It is what my husband tells me all the time. It is what I tell others all the time. I just don't know that I believe. After three years, it just isn't that easy to believe.

Mark This Under: Things I Couldn't Do Pregnant

2011-12-08T13:20:00.000-08:00

About a month ago I was asked to be a model in a hair/fashion show. This is something I would not have been asked if I was pregnant. God must have known that I needed the self esteem boost.

First, they hardly changed my cut or color because they thought it was perfect as it was. Then, when I went in for my fitting, the store didn't have pants small enough to fit me so I had to end up wearing my own jeans. Finally, the show was last night and I found out that because all the store had to fit me was a very underwhelming red dress, I would be dripping in diamonds (7 pieces to be exact) and wear a gigantic ruby and diamond ring. As the girl was covering me in jewels she told me, "Just so you know, you're the most beautiful girl here". I'm not gonna lie, as a 25 year old 5'7" infertile surrounded by 18-20 year old 6' tall girls, this made me feel pretty damn good.

In other venues this would sound like I'm bragging about how hot I am. But I know that you all know me well enough from my previous posts to know that this is just my way of looking at the glass half full. ie. if I was pregnant (or recently gave birth) lets face it, I'm not Giselle and no one would have asked me to do this.

So I'm going to just go ahead an mark this under: another experience I got to have because I'm childless.

Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T10:30:00.000-08:00

I have been really emotional this week and I think it must be the holidays. The holidays always make me think about where I was on that day the previous year....and this past year has been a complete roller coaster ride.

Last November, we had our fourth round of Clomid and our first failed IUI. I was living in a hotel room last year for the holidays, working in a town two hours away from home. My husband and I spent Thanksgiving alone together because I was having a lot of trouble dealing. After three more rounds of Clomid, and one more failed IUI in March, I was pretty broken. In May, I graduated from college. In June, we sought help from a RE. And by August, I decided to go rogue and ditch our IF treatment plan all together. That decision put me onto a path that I can't fully explain. I started hair school and quit my job of five years. And although some days are still really tough, I have found a peace that I never knew existed.

I am so thankful this Thanksgiving.

I could be bitter that it has been another year and I'm still childless (and sometimes I am!!), but I find myself really, really thankful.

I look around me and see that I have been given the opportunity to get up every morning and do what I love! Most people don't get to do that! To you, maybe doing hair doesn't sound like that great of a job, but it is my dream job!!!! I have amazing people in my chair every day and I feel so much love from them. I get to talk to them and really learn from them and show them love back. Not only do I get to do what I love, but I get to wake up next to a man that I love. I would have told you a year ago that I couldn't imagine loving my husband more, but somehow I love him more now than ever. I'm working on my relationship with my SIL which feels really good. I'm seeing my siblings as they're becoming young adults and I'm really proud of the human beings that they're becoming. I feel so much love an support from my friends and parents. I just am feeling really good about myself.

If this is all making you want to puke, you can read past posts about how miserable I am here and here and many other places in my blog history, and you can be sure there will be more posts like that in the future.

However, today I have a different message, one of real hope. I hope that the next time I feel like I can't take it and I'm really hurting I will remember this feeling of thankfulness. I hope that I will remember all of the reasons that I'm so blessed. I hope I will remember that God has a plan for my life and that His grace can heal all wounds. I hope I will remember that tomorrow things may be completely different. I hope I will remember how strong I am and how much I've endured and accomplished.

This has been my mantra over the past year and I know that there is no way I've gotten through it without God's strength.

"Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

So I will make it through the holidays this year, because I made it through last year. I will be thankful for the blessings I do have instead of focusing on the one I do not. I will hold my friends and family close. I will eat lots and lots of food. I will really focus on peace. And I will be praying that those around me who are struggling like I have will find the same peace that I feel right now.

Five Days Late and One Pink Line Short

2011-11-13T18:56:00.000-08:00

Well, that dirty biatch AF came yesterday. FIVE DAYS LATE! I was waiting until day 7 to take a hpt.

Here is my issue: I have reconciled the idea that right now is not the time and that I am trusting God with this. So WHY is it that my body is sabotaging me????? I feel betrayed. I have no idea how I was able get to the point that I was at two days ago. I was planning out how I would announce my pregnancy! WTF?!?!?! It is insane how no matter what state I'm in throughout this process, everything can change in a day.

CD2 and I'm okay. But I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit heartbroken. Despite my better judgment, I got my hopes up. I feel betrayed. By my own body.

So now, it's on to another month. It may sound completely crazy, but it has crossed my mind to actually try not to get pregnant just so that I have no reason to get my hopes up. I know, crazy. I just can't stand to get my hopes up. The day before AF came, I prayed that God would keep me from the pain. I can't stand the pain, and the fear of the pain to come. It is beyond frustrating to be on a path of peace and to pray and pray for peace and clarity and to feel that you're in such a good place and then be brought right back to that place of fear and pain and uncertainty.

I don't have anything particularly insightful to say right now, so I will quote Oswald Chambers:

"Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time"

Hoping Until It Hurts

2011-11-09T17:00:00.000-08:00

A couple of days ago all of the girls (not on bcp) that I go to hair school with started their periods. I realized that mine was also to be expected soon. I am now officially 2 days late. This isn't particularly uncommon for me, and yet after 30 months of AF showing up late rather than never I still am able to hold hope that this month she won't come. And yet I find myself getting my hopes up.

I know it is completely illogical. I find myself sitting here thinking "maybe we are that couple that everyone knows who stop trying and get pregnant"!! Yeah, I doubt it. Honestly, if I am pregnant, I would freak a bit as I have recently quit my job and lost my insurance. And yet I find myself getting my hopes up.

So here I am two Thanksgivings later, two Christmases later, thinking "wouldn't it be lovely to announce it to our families during the holidays"!!! I feel so stupid for even thinking it! And yet I find myself getting my hopes up.

I just got home from the grocery store where on the tampon isle I discovered that they were out of my particular tampax choice and thought "ooooh maybe it's a sign that I won't need them"!!! So I left without tampons that I will most assuredly need in mere days. And yet I find myself getting my hopes up!

I've even written my tasteful 3 month Facebook announcement in my head that looks a bit like this:

33 months ago my husband and I decided to start a family of our own. 12 months later we were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. 3 months after that we began infertility treatments. 12 months later we decided to give it to God and trust that His timing is better than ours. 3 months ago our prayers were answered with a positive pregnancy test!! Thank you so much for all of the love and prayers you have all sent our way!!!! (insert pic of sonogram)

I know that this is too long for a Facebook post, but I feel that so many pregnancy announcements have made me cringe and cry over the years that mine must contain a disclaimer. I don't fault anyone for announcing their excitement over their pregnancy, they have the right to be overjoyed and announce it in any way that they want. So will I, when it is my turn. I have no idea how I continue to get my hopes up!!!!!!!

My next post will most certainly be about AF rearing her ugly head. But until then, my hopes are up.

Hi, My Name Is Kendra And I'm A Perfectionist

2011-10-30T21:06:00.000-07:00

I am a type A, control freak, perfectionist.

I want perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect nails, perfect clothing, perfect accessories, perfect home, perfect marriage, perfect dogs...are you getting the picture?

Let me explain. These "perfect" things that I want are not deemed perfect by me in light of materialism, but in the sense that they are my idea of the perfect scenario of what my life would be.

I was driving home today and saw a girl out running in the cutest little outfit with amazing legs and felt really crappy about myself for not working out. No matter that I have been working 14 hours a day. It is never enough. I never meet my own expectations.

A couple of years ago my husband and I heard a sermon about the expectations you go into a marriage with and being able to accept that everything is not going to be a fairytale. Why is it that I am able to understand and accept the limitations within my marriage but not within myself?

Shadows

2011-10-29T19:58:00.000-07:00

In keeping with my musical inner monologue as of late, here's another amazing ballad:

There is a sanctuary,

A shelter from the storm

Seek and you will find it

Run until you see it

If you can hear the thunder, coming back for more

To you there is hope and for you the anchor holds

There is a shadow dark enough to hide ya

There is a lime light bright enough to blind ya

But when the saints they sing into the heavens

There is a God who’s big enough to save us

Let go of your troubles

Break out of your chains

Sit down at the table with all the saints who came

If you can see the fire, just enough flame

To you there is healing

For you there is joy in pain

There is a shadow dark enough to hide ya

There is a lime light bright enough to blind ya

but when the saints they sing into the heavens

There is a God who’s big enough to find us

There is a river strong enough to take ya

There is a mountain high enough to break ya

but with the saints they sing into the heavens

There is a God who’s big enough to save us

And with love we’ll carry on

Cause grace was strong enough

And we will join our hands

And sing of all these battles won

And with love we’ll carry on

Cause grace was strong enough

That is Samestate "Shadows"

Thirty Months

2011-10-26T16:18:00.000-07:00

I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Thirty months and I'm still barren
Picked all my weeds but still no flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Thirty months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Thirty months and I'm still standing here
Thirty months and I'm getting better yet
Thirty months and I still am

Thirty months and it's still harder on me
Thirty months I've been living here without you now
Thirty months, thirty months

Thirty months and I'm still breathing
Thirty months and I still remember it
Thirty months and I wake up

Thirty months and I'm still barren
Picked all my weeds but still no flowers

(Kelly Clarkson's lyrics about recovery from addiction with my own little touches of IF)

Praying for Peace

2011-10-22T16:06:00.000-07:00

Today I heard the testimony of a strong woman who I admire and it reminded me that everyone has different things in life that they struggle with and that God has a plan for each of us if only we will be obedient to Him and walk in faith. It was not only a testimony of faith, but it also reminded me of the power of prayer.

I may have mentioned it in another post, but a friend of mine told me recently that "God can make overnight changes". This may be a no brainer for some of you, but for me it was a totally new concept. I guess I had always thought that change takes time and that's just the way it is. So this idea blew my mind!

Here's where I'm going with this: I think I'm done praying for a baby. I've prayed for a baby for almost three years now. God knows I want the baby. Another friend told me that "if God puts a desire in your heart, He will fill it". So now I'm focusing on a new prayer: peace.

"We do not grow into a spiritual relationship step by step - we either have a relationship or we do not. The only way you can get to know the truth of God is to stop trying to find out and by being born again. If you obey God in the first thing He shows you, then He instantly opens up the next truth to you."
- Oswald Chambers

I'm a seeker. My entire being seems to be about knowledge. Philosophy is what propels me. Some people crave sugar, caffeine, or even attention...I crave knowledge. I need the stimulation of creativity and thought to get through the day. But, I have to wonder if all of this seeking and questioning is harmful to a peaceful existence? Can I crave knowledge and also give myself fully to God by faith?

I look back at myself and who I've been throughout this IF journey. I think of all of the restlessness and searching for answers and I wonder if it was an unhealthy way to be. Not that I'm saying I could have helped it, but I wonder if my nature to seek information caused me more stress than solace. I would endlessly Google symptoms and scenarios, and in the end, whether or not I knew all of the ins and outs of the IF game made no difference to me. I still don't have a baby. Maybe if I had not sought so much information I would have given things to God much sooner.

I know that all things happen in their own time and I don't wish to take back all that I've learned over the past couple of years, but I do wonder if having this philosophical nature is incongruent with a peaceful state of mind. Can I seek knowledge and also be obedient to a God when it requires me to follow Him by faith alone?

The Dalai Lama teaches that you can reach peace through reason. If you can wrap your mind around compassion and understand it for even a brief moment and then meditate on it, you can find peace. So is there some middle ground? Is it enough that my current search is for peace? If my philosophy is peace and the knowledge that I seek is peace, then will the result be peace?

I understand that I am rambling. These are the things that keep me up at night. I sometimes wonder what keeps other people up at night. I think we are all searching for something in life. For so long I have been searching for a baby, and now my search is to be at peace and to give myself fully to God's will. What are other people searching for?

A Sucker With Low Self-Esteem?

2011-10-17T11:36:00.000-07:00

My self-esteem is crap right now.

Maybe it is because I was accused of being terrible at the job I've been doing for nine years.

Maybe it is because my skin has gone to hell from stress.

Maybe it is because I have no time to work out.

Maybe it is because I have no time to be romantic with my husband (much less to shave my legs).

Maybe it is because I put all of my eggs in the baby making basket for over two years and failed.

Maybe it is because I am nervous about putting all of my eggs in a new basket.

For whatever reason, my self-esteem sucks. I feel ugly. I feel out of shape. I feel very crappy.

The reason I am writing these things is because I have found that when negative thoughts are festering in me, it is best to call them out and then be done with it so I can replace them with better thoughts.

I was strong enough to quit my job when it was becoming toxic to me.

I trust that God will give me a baby when it is His time.

My husband adores me.

I have three of the cutest dogs ever.

I am getting to follow my dream of being a hairdresser.

I feel bad for all of the complaining that I seem to do, because I really do have a lot to be happy about. I think everyone must feel like this sometimes. It is not a good place to be, so I hope it doesn't last long.

Not The Baby I Was Praying For

2011-10-14T10:53:00.000-07:00

It was late (as usual) and I was driving home from work. I crossed in front of my house (to go around and down the ally to my garage) and saw something small on my front porch. I came in the back door and went to open my front door (thinking I had a package). In pranced a tiny kitten. The fluffiest, cutest, sweetest little flea-ridden kitten you've ever seen. The second I picked it up, it started purring.

I have 3 Chihuahuas. THEY LOVED THE KITTEN!!!! It was as if they knew it was a baby that needed to be cared for. They licked it and followed it around the house (I didn't know it had fleas at this point in time).

I don't do cats. I grew up with the crazy cat lady (my mom) and I just don't do cats. Kittens are adorable, but this one too would grow up to be a cat. So I promptly called my mom (crazy cat lady) to come and get the little kitten. By the time she got there, the kitten was curled up in the dog bed with two of the three Chihuahuas asleep.

It broke my heart.

How many times have we IFs wished that the stork would drop off a baby on our front porch. BUT THIS WAS NOT THE BABY I WAS PRAYING FOR!

Where did this kitten come from? How did it get onto my porch? This just proves that God has a sense of humor.

Maternity Models Wanted!

2011-10-09T16:29:00.000-07:00

I've been too busy and exhausted this week to even open my computer until today. I just logged on to my facebook and for some reason noticed that one of the ads running on the right side of the page was looking for maternity models and depicted a very young looking pregnant woman! AF came to town yesterday. I x'd the ad and marked it OFFENSIVE!

I have about another week and a half of hell at my current job...bring on the poverty!

Thats all

xoxo

Fertility - NOT COVERED

2011-10-03T08:30:00.000-07:00

I have been MIA for about a week and was a horrible participant in IComLeavWe, but for good reason.

I recently started hairdressing school and with that have been working 14-15 hour days that end at about 11pm. The first week I had a cold, so that was fun. The second week, all hell broke loose at work. Without getting into the gory details, I will leave it at this:

Dear Grown Men Who Would Rather Push People Down To Get To Where They Want To Go Than Do The Work That It Takes To Be Successful:

I'm sorry that my hard work, confidence and ambition are "intimidating" and make you feel bad about yourself. Instead of trying to bring me down by making false accusations and defaming my good character, how bout we team up and help each other to both be successful. Oh, you don't want my help because I'm a 25 year old woman and you have an aversion to hard work? Well, best of luck to you in your future!!!!

XOXO,
Kendra

(I do want to briefly point out that said 30-year-old douchebag has two small children (little girls) with a woman that he refers to as his wife though they are not married for whatever reason)

So I took this peach of a situation as God's final push to say, "Quit your miserable job, go to school full time, and let yourself be happy!" And I did. Today I formally announced my resignation.

All of this means that I will be dead broke for the next 9 months (for some reason I find it ironic that it takes the same amount of time to get my cosmetology license as it would to bake a baby), I will lose my insurance, and we will not be taking our trip to Italy next year. We looked into my husband's company's insurance, and it was a joke! Almost 3x the cost of our current plan and no infertility coverage. But you know what, I would rather be happy now than be miserable for another year and get a trip to Italy and insurance to pay for more disappointment. And plus, maybe I will be such an amazing hair stylist that I will make enough money to go to Italy and pay for infertility treatments out of pocket....one can dream!!!

What it all boils down to is that recently I made the decision that I was going to stop fighting, planning, controlling, and give my life fully to God. I went rogue with infertility, and apparently I'm going rogue with the rest of my life! And you know what? IT FEELS PRETTY DARN GOOD!!!!!!!

IComLeavWe

2011-09-20T22:30:00.000-07:00

In honor of my first IComLeavWe week, I wanted to set up a fool proof way to navigate my blog in order to find the posts that best speak to you. The past few months have been mostly about me reconciling the decision that instead of "trying" for a baby, I am going to "try" to find a space for peace in my life. So here are a few of my favorite most recent posts in order from the time the decision was made (8) until today (1):

It's Only Okay If I Say It (finding an attitude and spirit of peace)
Always Worrying About Tomorrow (changing my thought patterns)
Sending Out A Big F-You To Infertility (deciding where to put my anger)
9 Things I Shouldn't Have To Deal With As An Infertile (fun and sarcastic)
My Infertility Story All Wrapped Up In A Bow (writing my IF Timeline)
Knock On Wood (worrying about whether or not I've made the right decision)
Made It Through AF (without calling the doctor to start Femera IUI round 1)
Done Fighting (making the decision to go rogue)

If you're interested in how I got to this point, everything before July 2011 tells the tale of realizing IF, taking a natural approach (aromatherapy, acupuncture, herbs, meditation), 6 rounds of Clomid and 2 IUIs (with all the gory details), all of the stupid things that people say, and being pissed off.

I wrote this blog not only to help myself, but to help others as well, so I can't wait to hear how my words encourage/help/effect/touch/inspire/depress(hopefully not) you!

Really? Really?????

2011-09-20T22:29:00.000-07:00

The following is nothing but a rant. I have nothing nice to say and unlike my mother always told me, I'm going to say it all!!!! There is no happy ending at this point. No nice bow wrapped around it. There will be no inspirational quote at the end. Sorry, this just is not one of those posts.

It all began last week. I knew that I would be in school from 8:30AM to 1:00PM and at work from 2:00PM to 11:00pm Tuesday through Saturday. I did not, however, know that I would also be sick and all hell would break loose. I started feeling sick Monday night and by Tuesday morning I was miserable. I had a horrible headache, sinus pressure, the whole shabang. And I had a 14 hour day. 5 days in a row. Are you beginning to understand the rant? Oh it gets better!

I am in hair school and not surprisingly at 25 years old, I am one of the oldest students. At the beginning of class on Friday, one girl announces that her period is three weeks late and she's taken 3 pregnancy tests and they were all positive but she doesn't know if she's pregnant. So another girl (18 years old) states that she hates kids. Well she doesn't hate them but she hates when they cry, specifically saying, "I wish there was a surgery that could take the crying and spitting up parts out of the baby" and starts asking everyone about birth control because she's getting married in December. A third girl responds, "Why do you need birth control". 18 year old says, "Because I'm getting married!" Third girl, "I know but that's the whole point of getting married". Me, "Um, not everyone gets married to have children! Not everyone is mean to be a parent!" FUN TIMES!!! So apparently the this girl believes that God's purpose for marriage is to have children. Hmmmm so what is the point of my marriage then huh?? I was pissed! I actually had to get up and leave before I punched these two idiots. I know that I live on the "Bible belt", but the ignorant things that people say never cease to amaze me.

I have no idea how I made it through work on my feet for 14 hours every day but I somehow got to Saturday. I knew that my Sunday was only an 8 hour shift and I was looking forward to it and to Monday off. Unfortunately when I got off work Saturday night I had an urgent message from my mother to call her back. My great grandmother had died.

I feel that continuing without saying a few words about my wonderful great grandmother would leave out a piece of the puzzle. My great grandmother was feisty. She survived the Great Depression, breast cancer, 70 years of marriage, and the death of her soul mate 9 years ago. She was 93 and died peacefully in her own bed. She was kind, compassionate, and generous. She lived a joyful life. She was dearly dearly loved and will be missed by everyone who knew her.

There are two other extremely significant things that happened. I wrote it all out and deleted it because I feel like some stories are impossible to tell. Both things could set back my infertility journey significantly. One has to do with my husband and is therefore not my story to tell. The other is the fact that I may be quitting my job earlier that I had planned and lose my health insurance.

I understand that there are things in my life that I cannot control and that I must learn only to control the way I react to situations. What I do not understand is how I can feel as though I am doing all of the right things and then all of this happens. I seriously feel like I am constantly being shoved back into this state of mind where I cannot figure out the point of it all. Just when I felt like I was getting somewhere and making some real progress...

It's Only Okay If I Say It!!

2011-09-12T08:18:00.000-07:00

You know how when you're younger if you say your mom is a total hag for not letting you go out with your friends it's okay, but if your friend was to say the exact same thing, you would get defensive. I think IF is the same way for me right now. There are a couple of things a fertile should never say to an infertile:

1. Everything happens for a reason (Really?? Tell that to the women who have had multiple miscarriages...they'll kick you in the teeth!)

2. Maybe you're just not ready (Oh, and you were more ready when your husband was cheating on you and you suddenly got pregnant so you decided to get back together? I see.)

Yet I find myself saying these exact things to myself.

Though I have good and bad days, I have to say that I never could have imagined a year ago (or even 6 months ago) that I could be so happy right now. I look at what is happening in my life and I truly believe that God has a plan for me that is so much more than I can imagine! I got to visit London and Paris last year. I graduated Cum Laude with my bachelors degree. I am following my dream to be a hair stylist. In the next three months I will be completely out of credit card debt. My husband and I are closer than ever. I'm writing and learning to make pottery and practicing yoga. I am filling my life with creativity and joy and experiences that I could not have imagined. I have learned so much about myself and created space for peace in my life. I am saving and planning for a trip to Italy next year. And this all happened while ttc. Maybe a baby doesn't fit into all of that? Maybe God knew something I didn't? Maybe everything happens for a reason? Maybe I'm just not ready? Maybe all of this will prepare me to be a wonderful mother?

I am not telling you that it doesn't still hurt that I am childless. It doesn't take away what I've been through the past three years. It's not like I've covered the hurt with a little bandage and I now suddenly realize that everything will be fine and I no longer need to worry about my future. It certainly doesn't mean that I no longer want to be a mother. Of course I do. It is just that I am reconciling my pain with logic and deciding to believe that there is a plan for my life.

The pain is a big part of the plan, but so is the joy. I really think that I have discovered this peace by taking control of my thought process. Every time negative thoughts or worries about IF start to seep into my mind, I don't let them consume me, I just shut them down and remind myself that if God wants me to have a baby He will give me one. Either way there is nothing I can do about becoming a mother right now, so worrying about it makes no difference. So I just have to trust God.

Finally I want to educate you with a few things from Tati's blog Connecting The Dots that fertile friends/family members can say to offer support.

"I'm so sorry this is happening to you, life is so unfair "
"I am here if you need to talk" (Note: and really mean it)
People can listen without promising (Oh, don't worry, you'll get pregnant)
"I'm sorry, this must be so hard"
People can still keep inviting IF'ers to family/social events. Even if they say no every time. Keep the invites coming. Eventually they will be in the right place to attend. It makes them feel less isolated.
Close friends could remember things the person likes such as purse shopping, sea salt chocolate, hiking, etc and use those to help pick them up when they are having rough days. When depressed it is hard to remember the things you love.
"I am sorry you are having a bad time and are going through this. Is their anything I can do to help? Anything you need" (Note: Because after miscarriage/failed tx, they could use someone to help walk their dog or do a load of laundry)
"I can't imagine how hard that must be."
"I'm so sorry, if you need anything please let me know."
"I hope it happens for you soon."

I am just praying that this positive attitude and spirit of peace last!!!!!!

Why you gotta be so mean?

2011-09-07T11:39:00.000-07:00

AF came (AGAIN) as expected and here is my message to her, to infertility in general, and to all of the fertiles who don't understand and say stupid S***!!

I know I'm from Texas, but I don't listen to country music. For Taylor Swift I make an exception!

You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again got me feeling like I'm nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I'm wounded
You, pickin' on the weaker man

Well, you can take me down with just one single blow
But you don't know what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides and your wild fire lies and your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don't already see them
I'll walk with my head down trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

I'll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now 'cause you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

And I can see you years from now in a bar, talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion but nobody's listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't [conceive]

But all you are is mean
All you are is mean and a liar and pathetic and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean

But someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean, yeah
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

Someday, I'll be, living in a big old city
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

Silver lining: This cycle was exactly a perfect 28 days long with only a week of pre menstrual spotting! And AF hasn't been the biatch that she was the past two months! So all in all, I really can't complain...

Kids...

2011-09-06T21:16:00.000-07:00

So one of the things that I love so much about kids is the crazy things they say. My mom watches my niece (A), a first grader, during the day while my sister (a single mom) is at work. This is the text I got after she picked up A from school today, enjoy:

Mom: When I picked A up from school this is what she said, "There is this boy and I don't really like him." I asked why and she said, "He blows bubbles with his spit annnd he eats his school supplies." I laughed so hard!

Me: Like he eats paper, glue, chews his pencils, what???

Mom: She said yes to all of the above! Ha. She told him he really should stop if he wants friends. It's just gross.

Me: Hahaha

These are the ridiculous things that only kids say that I feel I am missing out on!! There is a commercial for Tyson chicken nuggets with all of these little kids who say why they don't like certain food and one little boy is so insanely adorable that my husband and I will rewind it and watch it over and over just cracking up. My husband says he wants a "rudey tude little boy", and I know this is why. When I think about having a child that is a mixture of both of our personalities, it reminds me of how much joy a child would bring to our little family and what great parents we would be. And it hurts. I cuddle my puppies and watch them play and I think to myself, "wow, I love these little dogs so much. Imagine how much I could love a child". And it hurts.

Our Idiot Surprise Pregnancy

2011-09-05T14:51:00.000-07:00

Last week I wrote a post about things that I shouldn't have to deal as an infertile. Well one of my points was about movies that contain surprise pregnancies, and last night I was sneak attacked by that exact situation.

Our Idiot Brother is a movie about a guy and his three sisters, one of whom is a bisexual and in a lesbian relationship. I feel I must preface my problem with this movie with the fact that I am a huge supporter of the LGBT community. I have grown up around and have many friends/family members who are gay. I just feel the need to point this out to assure you what I am going to say next is directed towards the insensitivity of hollywood not as an attack on the LGBT community. At any rate, the bisexual sister (played by Zoe Deschanel) cheats on her partner with a man and gets pregnant. There is a whole scene where she is breaking open the packet of first response pregnancy tests and peeing on a stick. She then holds the stick up to read the results and says, "F***!!" The following scenes include her saying things like, "What the F am I going to do" and "I've ruined my life".

I am not just pissed that the pregnancy was a surprise to me but also because of the way that pregnancies always seem to be portrayed in movies! Why is there always some kind of unwanted pregnancy that gets reconciled and accepted as a positive thing in the end? Where are the movies about IFs who finally get pregnant after four IUIs and two rounds of IVF and five years of struggling to have a baby? Oh, does that not make good entertainment? America would rather see movies about women coming to accept their unplanned pregnancies?

Furthermore, my husband and I have decided that there are two other topics necessary to every movie we've seen in the past year or so (other than these unplanned pregnancies): gay couples and marijuana use. I understand and totally appreciate hollywood is using movies as a platform for social change and I also happen to support both of these movements, however it would be nice if some other social problems could also be addressed. There has been a movie about a gay couple having children through a sperm donor recently (though I can't remember the name), but what about a straight couple dealing with infertility??? It's always a single Tina Fey or Jennifer Aniston and it's always a comedy and it always ends with a surprise pregnancy! Let's get real!

Melissa reminded us Stirrup Queens this week that:

7.3 million Americans are diagnosed with infertility. That’s 11.8% of the child-bearing population. Worldwide, it comes out to be about 10% of the child-bearing population. It’s not that rare a situation.

I know that infertility is becoming a less taboo subject because of all of the women who are blogging and writing and speaking out about what they have been through, I just wish Hollywood would stand up and take notice that 10% of the adults paying to watch their movies aren't interested in this trend of surprise pregnancy story lines!!!

All I wanted was a nice night out with my husband, and bam a surprise pregnancy and a rant!
C'est La Vie...

Always Worrying About Tomorrow

2011-09-04T12:18:00.000-07:00

A friend and I were having a conversation a few weeks ago about all of our irrational worrying and how it causes so much unnecessary stress in our lives. She is a person who stresses about everything as it happens (in the moment stresser) and I am always worrying about what may happen tomorrow or next week or next month or next year. So here I am, about 8 days away from AF (spotting away any tiny hope of a BFP), and I'm worrying about it. What can I possibly do to keep it from coming? NOTHING. Is there anything in my power that will control how horribly incapacitating my cramps are? NO. So why the heck am I worried about it? BECAUSE IT'S WHAT I DO.

I have heard about changing your thought patterns and breaking habits, and I've tried it too, but never really committed to it. So in order to continue seeking the peace that I know is possible for me, I am going to focus on changing my habits. Every time I begin to think that I CAN'T DO THIS, WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF, HOW WILL I REACT, I am going to shut it down and give it to God.

"So never worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:34

“If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry.” - Dalai Lama

Sending Out A Big F-You To Infertility

2011-09-02T19:40:00.000-07:00

Warning: I'm ranting and getting a bit personal today, so feel free to skip the BS and go straight to the inspirational part at the bottom :)

I don't usually cuss/curse/swear too often (though it's not like I need to worry about small children hearing me since I have none) but lately I've noticed myself dropping a whole bunch of big F-YOUs! These F-YOUs are not directed towards people, but rather inanimate objects/situations. A couple of weeks ago I kicked a ladder at work and thought I had broken my foot and the words out of my mouth were F-YOU! Every time I see those damn First Response commercials where they talk about your body knowing you're pregnant before your missed period...F-YOU!!!!!! Yesterday, I burned the heck out of my arm on the oven and out came a big F-YOU!! Today, I'm going to the bathroom (TMI ALERT) and looked down at the toilet paper (as we IFs do) and saw spotting (6dpo) and all I had in me was F-YOU!

I know there is no chance of a BFP this month because my husband and I have only been intimate twice (we'll get to that in a bit) and no where near O. Maybe that is how uber-fertile people get pregnant, but not me. Anyway, my point is that I'm not even bothering to kid myself into thinking this could be some kind of infamous implantation bleeding.

So back to all of these F-YOUs...Who the heck am I talking to? Is this some kind of late onset tourettes?? I'm not a particularly angry person (though I do exhibit signs of road rage). Is it possible that I am dealing with some latent anger towards IF (duh)? The problem is that it seems I am not giving the IF the F-YOU, but my own body. It is my body's clumsiness and failure at baby baking that I'm so pissed at. I thought that I was really getting to a place where I could reconcile my mind-body problem, so this seems like quite a setback.

Here's where it gets personal...I would assume that it is very common for IFs to suffer from low self-esteem and to struggle with feeling completely comfortable in a body that has failed us. I am definitely dealing with both! There were very few times this month that I felt good about myself and even fewer that I felt even remotely sexy. I have a wonderful husband who is incredibly understanding, but I still feel bad for not wanting to be intimate. I'm actually a very sexual person, so it's very frustrating for me as well. I think what pisses me off the most about my body is okay, fine, I can't be pregnant right now, but what the heck is with the yeast infections and the spotting?!?! If I am to continue on searching for peace with IF and finding happiness and coping with being childless then I should get to live it up right?!?!?! Instead I get about one week a month that I feel comfortable being intimate with my husband, maybe two if I don't get a yeast infection. That's a pretty big F-YOU to me from my body!!!!

I'm left with these words from the Dalai Lama:
"We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace within ourselves."

So I'm going to start consciously directing my F-YOUs to IF itself and not to my body!!!

9 Things I Shouldn't Have To Deal With As An Infertile

2011-08-26T15:35:00.000-07:00

It seems unfair that while going through my daily life not only do I have to deal with normal day-to-day crappy things that everyone must endure but I must simultaneously (and might I add incessantly) deal with the fact that I am infertile, childless, damaged, etc. So I have decided to make a list of things that I feel I should not have to deal with as an infertile. Enjoy.

1. Cramps. Cramps only add insult to injury when every month my period is a reminder that I am not pregnant (again!!). I can deal with the tampons/pads etc., what I cannot deal with is the fact that I have to be in undeniable pain for at least the first 24 hours of said period. At this point in my infertility story, I understand that month after month, AF will undoubtedly rear her ugly head and I will be disappointed, but the cramps are just a slap in the face!

2. Work. I manage a clothing store where our target customer is age 18-25, which also happens to be the prime age for baby making (except in my case of course). So on a daily basis, I get to help pregnant teens and newlyweds find clothes to fit over their new baby bumps. The excessive number of pregnant teens I see in my store every day convinces me that this world makes no damn sense. Then there are the women complaining about how they’re fat and sick and their feet are swollen because of their pregnancy (it's so tough and they're so tired). And all the while I have to sit there and help them find things to make them feel better about their awful circumstance. (Now you probably understand why I’m working on a career change). Therefore I think I should be able to collect some kind of unemployment/disability pay on the grounds of infertility.

3. The flu/any common cold. Every time I have a sniffle or a bout of nausea after ovulation I assume (pray) that it is an early pregnancy symptom. I obsess over every sore throat, every stomach rumble, every headache until the moment when AF comes. It is simply unfair to have to be tricked by my own body into believing some kind of miracle has occurred and I am suddenly pregnant. Not to mention the fact that using a sick day from work because of a cold makes me want to scream when I would much rather use a sick day when I’m having a nervous breakdown over infertility.

4. Jury duty. Any mother who is suspected of harming her child, being neglectful, being selfish, child endangerment…they’re all guilty in my mind. (I should add that I believe any parent who has committed a crime has endangered the welfare of their child). Do they ask as a part of weeding out possible jurors whether or not you’re hopped up on infertility meds and a crazy, emotional biotch?? Enough said.

5. In-laws. Some IFs out there may have amazing, supportive, loving in-laws...so happy for you!!! My in-laws, unfortunately, are the epitomy of unsupportive, negative, hateful, ignorant (getting the picture?). It has been made quite clear to me that my husband and I will never get the kind of love from them that we deserve, and yet we still find ourselves hurt by them when they’re unsupportive. My MIL loves to kick me while I’m down, and because I’m already at my worst, I am unable to respond in a rational manner. So it is just best that I not have to deal with my in-laws while I continue to be infertile. And if that is forever, so be it ;)

6. Speeding tickets. Police officers, I assume, are not trained to deal with infertile women who are overly emotional due to IF meds or right after a BFN. I can’t promise that when being pulled over I will not burst out into tears and, when the officer is less than sympathetic, end up being arrested for assault. What if I am speeding because I am on the way to an IUI with a vial of my husband’s best sperm in my bra?? We just can’t have that.

7. Waiting in the same waiting room with all the pregnant women at the OB. THERE SHOULD BE A SEPARATE WAITING ROOM FOR INFERTILES!!!!! Why should I have to sit there while they muse over their sonogram photos of their “little peanut” with their entire family??? Is it not enough that I’m having to get a sonogram (which for an infertile consists of a wand up your hooha) with only pictures of my creepy looking ovaries and zero baby, but now I have to sit here and listen to how excited your are about your pregnancy? Are you f-ing kidding me????? It’s not their fault, and when it is finally my turn I will be right there just as (if not more) excited to see my little nugget, but hello doctors, a little sensitivity please!! The time I had to wait in the waiting room for my second IUI with a girl that I went to high school with (who had been married for a month) and was pregnant was unbearable.

8. Movies who’s storylines include a surprise pregnancy. A LITTLE BIT OF WARNING WOULD BE NICE! I go to the movies to forget about my problems, have a laugh, and enjoy myself. Then BAM a surprise pregnancy! They’re always so surprised and upset, “what am I going to do??” Even the movies recently that include ART are not about infertiles per say but about women who have no found the right mate and choose insemination. It’s not enough that every time I turn around another celebrity is pregnant, but they’re playing pregnant women in the movies as well! Someone posted on another website, “Didn’t you know? Celebs have better boobs and better eggs. Just a fact.”

9. Wrinkles. I understand wrinkles come from stressing over your children, so no children, no wrinkles right?? It seems to me that it would only fair if I never have children that I should get to look young forever. Then when women look at me with that pity in their eyes saying, "Oh, that's Kendra, she's barren, poor thing" it will be followed by the exclamation, "she sure does look good though!!!!" Plus it is unfair to have to spend so much money on "elective" IF procedures and still end up having to pay some doctor for botox or, God forbid, a face lift.

My Infertility Story All Wrapped Up In A Bow...

2011-08-24T10:36:00.000-07:00

I just went through and added a timeline to my blog. So there it is, My Infertility Story all wrapped up with a neat little bow. I think it is helpful to break down what I've tried/been through for other IFs who visit my blog. Not only a way to catch up quickly, but also to show what has (or up to this point, hasn't) worked for me. I'm not sure why, but writing my story in that way feels like I'm diluting what I've been through over the past three years. 29 months of BFNs. 29 months of feeling like a failure. 29 months of getting my hopes up and then being crushed. Yes, some months have been easier than others. But the months that are really bad, wow. I can still feel that pain from last year when our first IUI didn't work like it was yesterday. All of those negative pregnancy tests and just sitting there in the bathroom crying and praying for another little pink line to appear. Oh those two illusive pink lines. How I have yearned for them.

My last post was about using this blog to compartmentalize IF in an attempt keep it from interfering with all of the happy parts of my life. But maybe, just maybe IF has affected more of me than I can even understand at this point. Maybe IF has touched every part of me and really changed who I am.

I am trying to carve out a space in my life where I can find happiness no matter what is going on around me that I can't control. A place where whether I continue my life childless or not, I can still find a way to be happy. I don't know exactly what that looks like yet, but I think it starts with looking at the battle scars I've acquired and deciding that they have brought me to this point, they have made me this person, and she's no so bad! Women are basically programmed by our society to be insecure. Maybe going through these failures and heartbreaks will make me unbreakable. Maybe I will come out of this as some kind of self-aware, secure, compassionate Superwoman!?!?!

Well, here's hoping there is more out there for me than a bunch of negative pregnancy tests and bathroom tears!

Knock on Wood

2011-08-20T17:05:00.000-07:00

Well as soon as I asked the question "Will it last?" I was given the abrupt answer of, "NO!" It is as if the decision of taking time off from infertility treatment was made and then my mind quickly dismissed it. I'm not saying that I'm going to call the RE tomorrow, I'm still firm in my decision (what can I say, maybe I'm stubborn), but I'm still combing the internet for diagnosis and treatment options. There is no way that I'm ever going to accept that I could be childless forever. Not gonna' happen. However, giving this problem to God is much easier said than done. I read about all of these women who have tried and tried for a baby and finally get pregnant. Yes it is a miracle, but more often than not it is the result of fertility treatments. I just feel so jaded by the medical community right now. I feel like I wasn't taken seriously in the beginning because of my age (I was just 23 when this all began) and now I just don't trust that their treatment suggestions are productive.

I'm not saying I'm keen on the idea of taking a couple of years off to "see what happens" but I feel like it is honestly the healthiest thing for me to do. I think that is the rational part of me that is having the biggest problem with all of this. I am beginning hair school in September to follow my dreams and head to a new career. Unfortunately, my insurance at my current job is amazing and has paid for so much of this treatment and I will have to switch to my husband's crappy insurance once I leave my job (approx 18mos from now). I just don't want to make a decision based on finances. But I am seriously stressed about the decision I have made. Will I decide two years from now that I want to do the same crap (Femera, IUI, lap surgery, etc.) and have to pay an arm and a leg for it when I could do it now and let my insurance pay? It may sound as if I am wavering in my decision and I assure you I am not. This blog is for me to vent my frustrations and get some of my crazy thoughts off my chest so that I can be at peace. This is what is going on in my mind right now. I saw this old post on another blog and thought it was so beautifully said that I just had to copy it:

In my first post, I talk about how this blog is a way to compartmentalize my infertility. Instead of allowing it to seep into every relationship, every thought, and every thing like I did the first time around -- I wanted to get it all out here and leave the joyful areas of my life alone.

Infertile?

2011-08-19T14:12:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking about the label "Infertile". The "Medical Community" says that if you have been having unprotected sex for one year and have not conceived, you are "Infertile". So therefore, I am "Infertile"! Here's my problem...what is the cause of my infertility??? Okay, I know that there are all kinds of statistics about "unexplained infertility"...bla bla bla. I just want to know why/how I have spent thousands of dollars and 2.5 years being "Infertile" and no one can tell me for sure why? It is absolutely infuriating! These doctors have been so quick to prescribe treatments for the infertility, but could somebody please try to figure out what the cause of the infertility is and treat that!!!

So this brings me to the conclusion that it no longer makes sense for me to give doctors my hard earned money when they have given me NOTHING in return!!! I know I haven't had the FULL work-up, so I can't completely blame the doctors, but I guess there's something about a $2000 hysterosalpingogram that my insurance doesn't cover or "exploratory surgery" to see if I have endo that makes my stomach crawl a bit! I realize that this all makes me sound as if I'm trying to buy a baby and that is not the case (although the thought has crossed my mind), but thinking about it, if I was to give Louis Vuitton thousands of dollars, I would expect a pretty fabulous handbag in return! These doctors have given me NOTHING! Not a diagnosis, not a reasonable treatment plan (because there has been no diagnosis), and certainly not a baby! Therefore, no more money for you doctors!! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Will It Last?

2011-08-18T17:05:00.000-07:00

I don't know if anyone is even reading this blog, but my intent in creating it was not only to help others, but to help myself. This blog not only provides a space for catharsis of emotions that this process has produced but also a space for creativity. I am innately a very stressed out, neurotic, obsessive, controlling personality. I am constantly overthinking every second of my life. This blog has given me a space to voice these emotions/fears/stresses without worry. I can send thoughts out into the world so that they no longer torment me.

That said, I feel as though I have found a space of peace in my life, mind, soul and body...but how long will it last? I'm always looking at tomorrow and wondering what it will bring, and this is no different. Even when I'm happy and everything is wonderful, I'm waiting for the bottom to fall out. I wish I wasn't this way. I don't think we can change who we are, but I do believe we can change how we think! So I pledge to myself that I will continue on a road of peace and strength. When I begin to doubt myself and my decisions, I will remind myself that God has a plan for me and He can make overnight changes! I can't look to the world (ie. doctors, shopping, vacations, things...) for peace, I have to find it in God, in myself.

It Could Be Worse!?!

2011-08-17T21:24:00.000-07:00

You may have ready my post about "Things People Say" when you're TTC that are hurtful (whether intentionally or not). I mentioned my sister-in-law and the fact that she had been less than supportive of our infertility. She and I have had a strained relationship from day one, to say the least. It is a situation where we both want to make it work, but we also both have very strong personalities and even stronger opinions. This compacted with the fact that my mother-in-law and I haven't been on speaking terms for about a year and a half makes this all super fun! So my SIL and her husband were trying to have a baby for a little less than a year (she says they were only "trying" for one month) and in June she found out they were expecting. Here's where things get tricky! She decided to use this monumental moment in her own life to try to get the family back together (my husband doesn't speak to his mother either). I know that she had the best of intentions, but my infertile mind was like "Of course she wants everyone to be a happy family...it's convenient for her!!!" I was extremely bitter and upset for about a week. I know it's ridiculous, but she and her husband have been together for a minute and trying for half a second and they're pregnant???? Plus the fact that she's 30 and supposedly has PCOS!!

So once I got over the jealousy/frustration/hurt/infertile craziness/etc. I congratulated them, sent a card and moved on. The weird part is that because my husband has been inundated with infertility facts for two years now, his first reaction was "Why are they telling everyone after four weeks anyway?" He knows the stats on early miscarriages. So at 6 weeks she went in for a sonogram (because she had started bleeding and wanted to make sure all was well) and everything looked perfect. The doctor wanted her to come in at 7 weeks just to ease her mind if the bleeding didn't stop. Sadly, at 7 weeks, they discovered that the fetus had stopped growing. Her HCG levels were still progressing, but the fetus hadn't grown since the 6 week sonogram. She didn't want to have the D&C (which I totally understand) and was hoping that nature would take care of things. Unfortunately, her body didn't realize that she wasn't pregnant and she was still experiencing morning sickness and the whole thing. No one likes to throw up, but I think if it's because you're pregnant, it's probably much easier to take. This however, would be unbearable I imagine...insult to injury. It's like week 9 now (I think) and she is going for the D&C tomorrow, her doctor told her her body just hadn't figured it out and may never. I feel so sad and so hurt for her right now.

I've said through this whole thing that I would rather never conceive than lose a baby. I can't imagine going through the excitement of seeing those two beautiful pink lines and knowing that your body is creating a miracle just to lose it. I would be devastated. The silver lining for her is that her doctors are now telling her that she does not have PCOS! They got pregnant the first month they were really "trying" so there is a good chance that they will get pregnant again. I guess everyone's journey is different and filled with struggles, so compassion is the lesson for me. I was so upset when I found out they were pregnant, not because I wasn't happy for them, but because I was sad for us!! And now, I just feel sad for everyone...

Made it Through AF

2011-08-15T15:49:00.000-07:00

AF came last week like a tornado! The good news is, there were only three days of spotting before (usually its two weeks of spotting from O to AF). Of course, even though we weren't really "trying" last month, there was that part of my mind that was like "Yay! No spotting? Maybe I'm pregnant?!?!" I know, I know, but at what point will those thoughts stop tempting me? Anyway, I had an INSANE headache the day before she came to town! I took over 3000mg of tylenol (the only time I ever take tylenol or any pain medication is for cramps) and I was still in pain between the headache and the cramps! Then two more easy days and over. So of course I'm thinking "Maybe I'm cured?!?"

Is it ridiculous to think that after all I've been through, my body just needed more time to figure things out? If I look back, I gave it less than 6mos after I got off birth control with very little "trying" before we started all of the natural stuff (vitex, teas, bbt, opks, etc). Then at 7-8mos (it's hard to keep it all straight at this point) I missed my period and that got the ball rolling to really "trying". I then started the acupuncture and all of the herbs. At one year, we went straight to the urologist to get my husband tested (test wasn't so great) and after that it was on to the Clomid crazy train. Here we are, 2.5 years later and I'm wondering if we had just let it go and let things happen naturally if we would have a baby right now! I know it's irrational and unhealthy, but I'm still always finding ways to blame myself. Did I rush things? I find comfort in knowing that God has a plan for my life. I know that we have grown as individuals and as a couple through this journey, but I'm so tempted to want to think that I have control over things. It's so silly because if this whole thing has taught me anything it's that I'm not in control, but I'm sitting here thinking, "Did my want for control cause all of this to begin with?"

So AF came and went and I stuck to my decision not to call the doctor to start Femera and schedule an IUI, but that doesn't mean the thought did not cross my mind. It definitely did...

Still Standing Firm

2011-08-05T08:45:00.000-07:00

I'm still a little afraid that I will regret the decision I have made to go rogue and not start the infertility drugs again, but I am standing firm in my resolve. After a lot of tears and even more prayer, I really feel that it is the right thing for me to do. I feel bad mostly for my husband. Here is how our journey has been: He wanted to start trying to have a baby, I wasn't ready. Then I was ready, it was fun for a few months and then I began to panic. All of our friends were getting pregnant and we weren't. So then we started trying all of the natural things to improve infertility. They didn't work. So then we started with the doctors. Clomid made me crazy, and my husband had to deal. I decided that we needed to see a new doctor and he agreed. NOW I decided that I don't want to do it anymore. It makes me feel so selfish. The thing is though that it is my body, therefore my decision. It is me that has to go to work hopped up on hormones and crazy and still deal with coworkers, employees and customers. We haven't really discussed much more than just that we aren't starting Femera this month. I think he doubts my resolve and believes that I will change my mind when the time comes.

Done Fighting

2011-08-02T19:25:00.000-07:00

I am about to say/write something that I don't fully understand, but here goes...My husband and I have been really happy together for the last few months. Very inactively talking to the RE and planning our next moves but not yet making them. And as the day that I am supposed to start taking this new fertility drug approaches, I've had a looming sense that there is a decision I am meant to make. This past May I graduated from college with my bachelor's degree. I decided that I was not going to use said degree and that I would instead follow my dream of going to hair school. I have a great job right now where I make good money and have great insurance, but that does not feed my soul. So all summer I've been going over and over in my head this timeline of beginning infertility treatments again, starting school, and working full time. Here are my fears: 1. this drug will make me as crazy as clomid did 2. it won't work and I will have set us up for yet another failure 3. it will work and I will be too busy with work and school to be able to enjoy being pregnant. I talk a lot about my fears. They consume me sometimes and I feel that I am constantly at battle with them. I feel that there is some war that I have been training for my whole life and I have spent 25 years fighting in preparation, but I don't know if this is a battle I can continue fighting. I have been trying and trying to give this up to God and to trust Him enough to know that I can do nothing and if He intends for us to have a child we will, but the fighter and the control freak in me say that if I don't keep fighting, I will have wasted valuable time and I will just end up back here anyway. But I have to wonder if this yearning for a baby has turned into a seeking of God for a reason. Should I be seeking peace and with peace will come all of life's desires? And maybe God knows that I won't be happy with becoming a mother this way? Maybe He knows better that I do that I won't be able to enjoy it as much as I want to if it happens now? And then there is that annoying voice that lingers in my head and says that maybe if we stop trying we really will get pregnant.

A friend of mine recently said to me that she is "too old and practiced in punishment to be interested in it anymore". It got me to thinking about all of the ways that I punish myself. I have been at war with my body for almost three years now. But how can my mind be at war with my body? And is there a difference between the mind and the soul? I've been talking it through and I think the problem with me is that I am so in tune with my soul that there is a disconnect for me between the three (mind, body and soul) and I have been at war with not only my body but my mind that wants to makes a completely irrational situation rational. It is my mind that tells me that it's just as simple as going to a doctor and taking a pill and that it makes perfect sense that a doctor should be able to fix my broken body. My soul tells me a completely different story. My soul tells me that this is a journey that God has sent me on that I could not have gone about without all of these difficult moments that will lead me to the peace that can only be found in Him. The truth that I know is that it wouldn't matter right now if I had the most beautiful twin babies in the next room, my life is not what I want it to be right now. I'm not saying that there is a perfect world out there for me that I need to find first, but that I need to find contentment in what I have now before I will be able to appreciate what more could be. I want to get to a place when I, like my friend "don't see milestones or accomplishments, just a fulfilling, steady, unexciting but centered walk".

So how did this epiphany come about? I was really trying to work through all of these things late last night before bed. It was as if the answer was just outside the rim of my understanding. All night I had vivid dreams of tribulation and turmoil and woke up with a lump in my throat. This is what I dreamed: I was running through the streets with a tornado following me. I believed the tornado was my husband. I could feel how angry everyone around me was because this tornado that was meant for me was causing so much danger and destruction. Once I finally got to safety (in a movie theatre with a large crowd), I felt this overwhelming feeling of failure through the crowd's anger at me. And then suddenly my husband walked in and I realized he was not the tornado. He was not coming after me to hurt me. And maybe everyone in the room hated him just as much as they hated me. I'm not sure if the tornado was God or if the tornado was fear, but all I know is that I was no longer afraid of it. God gave me my husband as a partner to get through the fear. Even if the whole world hated us, we had each other. I think until this point I had been dealing with this decision all on my own because I didn't want to disappoint my husband. But the dream made me realize that I was wasting energy on an unnecessary fear.

So my decision is to stop fighting and to seek peace. This is no longer just my infertility story, but my search for peace and centeredness. I still desperately want to be a mother, I'm just not going to give any more power (or money) to something that is out of my control. I am going to put my faith in God instead of doctors.

Endo?

2011-07-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

Since our first visit with the RE, I've been thinking about him saying that there is a possibility that I have endometriosis. After my progesterone test at 7dpo last month came back normal (11.5), I'm beginning to think that my LPD self-diagnosis my not be accurate. Then came AF...might I mention the biggest biatch AF ever in my life!!! TMI alert: horrible diarrhea, nausea, cramps, pelvic pain, thought I was gonna die, had to go to work 2 hrs late. So I got online and started looking at endo. What I didn't realize about endo is that it can cause spotting before AF, which is my biggest concern about my cycle and I swear is why I haven't gotten pregnant yet. Some other facts about endo that surprised me are the fact that most women aren't diagnosed until 25-35 because it is something that gets progressively worse as time goes on. So if I had been on BC for 5 years (which is usually what they treat the effects of endo with) I probably didn't see the symptoms and during the past 2.5 years that we've been trying to have a baby it could have progressed. The only way to diagnose endo, however, is to do laprascopic surgery. The two plusses to having the surgery would be that they could treat the endo right then and they could check my tubes that the same time (the test to make sure my tubes are clear costs $1800 and insurance doesn't cover it). Sooooo my doc wants to do a round of Femara next month (which I have read is being studied as a treatment for endo) with IUI. I expressed to him how much I HATED Clomid, so he wanted to try something different and I've read that many women that didn't conceive on Clomid went to Femara and got pregnant on the first try! So fingers crossed!!!!

Whats Going On?????

2011-05-29T11:45:00.000-07:00

After a big fat Clomid disappointment in April, Brett and I decided to take a month off from the fertility game. I realize that "game" makes light of this situation and implies some fun to be had. Nevertheless I had one month left in my undergraduate program and felt that finals mixed with family coming for my graduation was more than enough stress without adding Clomid craziness. I have to admit, taking a break from crazy Clomid Kendra makes me very hesitant to start back again. Today is day 1 of this cycle and we have our first appointment with the RE in two weeks. I'm just anxious about what his plan will be and whether or not he will recommend something different for us. I feel like I am at the point where I am beginning to lose hope. If not hope, then will. I want to be a mother more than anything, but I have to wonder when it has already taken so much, if it is meant to be. I look at some of our married friends who have children and they take the kids for granted and have miserable marriages. I know that each relationship is different and it is not necessarily the fact that they have children that has made a mess of their marriages, but Brett is the most important person in my life and I have been worrying lately if God is trying to tell us something. Maybe He is helping us to build a stronger foundation so that we can have a lasting marriage. Brett thinks that my finishing school will take some stress off my plate and we will suddenly get pregnant. He is the eternal optimist, but I have my doubts. I DON'T THINK STRESS HAS A DARN THING TO DO WITH IT!!!!

Back In The Game...Or At Least I Thought I Was

2011-04-09T08:21:00.000-07:00

So after about two days of being down in the dumps I got a phone call from my mom telling me that she started researching and found a RE where I live and he takes my insurance. I have been seeing an OBGYN and thought that the only RE in my area was six hours away. So I spoke to the woman in his office and she said that I would have to do 3-4 IUIs before moving on and it would take a while for us to get an appointment with the RE. So we faxed them our insurance info and called our OBGYN to do another round of Clomid and IUI. Unfortunately, I was supposed to ovulate on Thursday and it never happened. Instead, I started spotting on Friday. I also got a phone call from the RE's office to let me know that they couldn't read my insurance card off the fax (that I sent two weeks ago) and they needed me to fax it again. So now I'm sitting here with insane mood swings and ridiculous acne for no reason what so ever, and deciding whether or not I want to do this bs again next month or to take a break. What also goes into this decision is the fact that I am graduating from college with my bachelors degree next month. Do I want to be a crazy acne ridden freak during finals and graduation pictures? Hmmm not so much. I just hate to feel like I've wasted a month when we have now been trying to have a baby for TWO YEARS!!!!

Days Like These...

2011-03-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

I took a hpt this morning when I woke up (12dpo), bfn. I got ready for work and went on with my day as usual. At 4:45pm my boss calls me to tell me about a customer complaint, and it broke me. I cried all the way home for work. It wouldn't have bothered me nearly as much on any other day, but to have someone insinuate that you are a bad person on a day when you are already feeling really horrible about yourself is more than I could take. So there I am thinking "maybe I really am a bad person. what good do I actually do? maybe thats why God won't give us a baby. maybe thats why my best friend abandoned me three years ago without an explanation. why does my mother-in-law hate me? maybe I'm just a self-absorbed bitch. maybe I don't even deserve a baby. why is my husband even with me?" Okay so I know I'm being irrational and overly emotional, but it is hard not to feel like there is something wrong with me. Why can everyone else around me get pregnant at the drop of the hat and not me??? It must be my fault. I either have something to change or something to learn. Its really hard when everyone around me is telling me its me to think that its not me. Even when people say that I'm too stressed and thats why I'm not getting pregnant, still my fault. My body, my stress, my infertility story. I feel like it is unfair for me to even ask for a baby. That I should just be happy that I have a wonderful husband who loves me and shut up! But then I think, ya know no one is perfect. I'm trying to be the best person that I can, and why shouldn't God's grace apply to me?

11dpo

2011-03-20T22:07:00.000-07:00

Still obsessing over symptoms and anxious. Took a test yesterday, BFN :(. I got really down about it but I went back to my new fav website and looked at the stats on false negatives at 10dpo, and it made me feel better. All of the symptoms I'm having are making me think that I'm for sure preggers, but it is hard to believe after 24mos of BFNs being BFNs that I could actually be pregnant. I've been exhausted, had headaches, bloated, weird feelings in my tummy, and today my boobs have been sore. The worst thing about early pregnancy symptoms is that they are the same as PMS symptoms! I'm going to test again in the morning...I'll give it until Thursday and then if its neg I'll believe it. I'm praying and praying to see those two pink lines!!!

9dpo

2011-03-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

I'm losing my mind! My husband came home from work today telling me all about how a girl he works with cut her hair and its so cute. I cut my hair a month and a half ago and he has had nothing nice to say about my hair cut. So you see what I'm talking about. I could kill him. Its not that I think he likes this girl, its just that I'm an emotional wreck!!! Today I told him I was really sad because I'm probably not pregnant, his response, "if this doesn't work, we will just do IVF". My husband supports me in everything I do and usually his optimism is one of his best attributes, today it was pissing me off! I just want him for once to be as mad as I am about all of this crap! I want him to be anxious and stressed and crying and upset! I understand that it would be a nightmare if we were both a mess and it is the best for him to be the strong one, I'm not completely irrational. But it just feel sometimes like I'm all alone in this. I'm the one who has to feel like a crazy person each month and I'm the one who has to wonder every second of every day if this is the month that I will get a bfp. I'm the one being treated like a science experiment every month! I'm the one that will have to go through the IVF, so sure its fine with him. He doesn't have to shoot himself full of hormones! AGH! Okay, so I love my husband more than anything in the world, but he is just so perfect and so optimistic that when I'm a crazy person, I want to hurt him!

My Favorite New Website

2011-03-17T22:57:00.000-07:00

While obsessing over pregnancy symptoms and combing the internet for corroboration, I came across the site: countdowntopregnancy.com. So the great thing about this site is the two week wait symptom recording function that allows you to compare the symptoms you are having with women who were having those same symptoms on that same dpo and got a bfp!! GENIUS! The website also has you log the things you tried during this cycle to conceive which got me to thinking about the laundry list of things that my husband and I have tried over the past two years to help our chances of conceiving. Here it is:
BBT charting
vitex
OPKs
preseed
fertilitea
chinese medicine
acupuncture
aromatherapy
yoga
chiropractic
herbs
vitamins
diet change
clomid
IUI
I believe there may be more, so I'll have to add to this list later, but what a ride this has been! It cracks me up (and then makes me want to hurt them) when people say "oh yeah it took us a while to get pregnant...like six months! Just hang in there and relax and it will happen"...freaking idiots! People say raising children is the hardest thing you will ever do in life, but after this it seems like smooth sailing from here. This is really the most difficult thing I can imagine, other than losing a child. I feel like I'm a crazy woman right now, praying (really begging and pleading with God) for a baby.

One Week Wait

2011-03-16T17:36:00.000-07:00

Okay so I made it through the first week without going completely insane, however, I feel like this week is not going to go so easily. I am having so many early pregnancy symptoms and really getting anxious about testing. It brings me back to that place where I want to be optimistic, but I don't want to get my hopes up too high because I'm afraid of that disappointment. I'm really tired and irritable (mostly because of the anxiety). Why can they not make a test to tell if you're pregnant as soon as attachment occurs?? Sooo annoying! This is officially my 24th tww and it has only gotten harder as the stakes get higher. I don't want to test early but I keep seeing all of these posts on ttc pages that say they got a bfp 10dpo...But the thing is if it is negative I won't believe it anyway so what does it hurt? Today is day 7, so tht would mean by Saturday I could get a positive. The other thing going on in my mind is that I really think I may be pregnant this time! But I think I felt like this after our last IUI. And I really can't even wrap my head around what it would be like if I was pregnant. Its like there is this thing that I have dreamed of for so long and because it has alluded me so far, I almost believe it is unattainable. Like its not possible for this amazing thing to happen to me. I can't even picture what it would feel like to see those two pink lines. I can't imagine the joy of telling my family that we are going to have a baby. I can't fathom wearing maternity clothes and having morning sickness and weird cravings (yes I even want all of that)! The thought of going to pick out baby furniture and baby clothes and decorate the room that is just waiting for a baby to inhabit it. Some people believe in visualization, but this all seems so out of reach for me that it is difficult to visualize. And not only that, but painful as well.

Early Pregnancy Symptoms or Just the Flu?!?!

2011-03-15T05:50:00.000-07:00

So I am 6dpo and SICK! Yesterday I started having stomach problems (enough said) and then by evening my whole body was aching and my throat was really sore. I woke up this morning truely miserable and called in sick to work. Now, even though I am tired, I can't go back to sleep. My husband is in bed next to me and I'm trying to type quietly so I don't wake him. I, of course, went straight to the blogs to see if these could be implantation symptoms or early pregnancy symptoms. As usual, no clear answers but its definitely possible that I'm FINALLY preggers. Some info said that it is a sign of implantation and most say that it is a good sign that I will get a bpf. I'm being cautiously optimistic...either I'm pregnant, I have the flu, or my husband is slowly poisoning me because I am barren ;P.

Clomid Round 6, IUI Round 2

2011-03-11T16:43:00.000-08:00

Okay so I think I had forgotten how nerve-racking this whole thing is. I had so much anxiety on IUI day (CD16). Everything went seemingly well though! I'm quite confused about what his count was this time, but it looked like about 50-60million good ones post wash. The reason I am confused is because I'm pretty sure it was only 9million last time. That is a shocking leap, so idk maybe it was 90million total last time? The doctor said he had about 130million total (motile and nonmotile post wash), so that number sounds really good either way. I know all we need is one good one and it is all about God's timing for us. I think the worst part is the dreaded two week wait! The worst part about the tww is the fact that EVERYTHING that happens with my body I think is a pregnancy symptom! I had hiccups ALL DAY yesterday, and I was just sure it was an early pregnancy symptom! lol. I'm going to try really hard to wait until 14dpo to take a test, so we'll see! It is so hard because I'm a naturally optimistic and hopeful person, but I almost have to make myself not get my hopes up because I am so afraid of having a melt down again if it doesn't work this time. Its like I want to be hopeful because I believe in positive energy, but I don't want to cause myself any extra pain...and on top of it all, this month marks two years that we've been ttc...uuuuggggghhhhh!!

You Again?

2011-03-05T13:04:00.000-08:00

Uuuuugh I had forgotten how annoying all of this is! I had gotten so used to being myself again for the past three months that I had forgotten how crazy Clomid makes me. Around CD 9 I turned into an raging biotch. LOL. The things in everyday life that usually just annoy me, turn me to intense anger. I am not an angry person, but on Clomid, look out! Even when I know that it is my hormones that are making me crazy, I cannot stop it! So that is probably the worst part for the people around me, but the worst part for me is the exhaustion. I have hot flashes at night that keep me awake and horrible nightmares all night. I have woken up every morning this week feeling like someone has roofied me! LOL. Which probably only makes the irritation worse!! I just want to lay in bed all day (and my co workers probably wish I would)! People say that this is what being pregnant is like, so hopefully I'm just preparing. The good news is, we are expecting to do our second IUI on Tuesday, and my hopes are high. I am not feeling any ovulation pain or discomfort yet, so that could go either way. I'm just trying not to read too much into anything and stay positive. My husband is being amazing as usual. He is my rock and keeps me sane (as much as he can)!

Therefore never worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. - Matthew 6:34

Catch Up

2011-02-19T20:19:00.000-08:00

So after our first IUI with Clomid and yet another BFN, I kind of sank into depression. At the same time, my boss gave me the opportunity to work in a town about two hours away for the holidays. So I took the opportunity for a little break! I was driving back and forth and really busy, so we put all of the TTC stuff on hold. I missed my husband tremendously, but it definitely took my mind off of TTC. When it got close to time for me to come home, I started to get really nervous about starting to TTC again because of how depressed I was before I left. I went ahead and took Clomid in November, but we didn't really track anything, and we did nothing in December or January. We decided that we would start trying again as soon as my cycle started and would plan to do another IUI with Clomid. About two weeks before I was supposed to come home, I started my period (almost two weeks early!!) and it lasted for six days!! After it stopped, I continued spotting for about the next week and a half until I was full on bleeding again!!! What the heck?!? So I called my doctor and they prescribed a progesterone supplement of some kind that I had to take twice a day for four days. I stopped bleeding for last two days that I was taking the pill, but then spotted for about a week after that. Now I am just waiting for AF to come back again (in just a couple of days) so that we can start our 6th round of Clomid and hopefully do our 2nd IUI. I am praying for peace, and that maybe this break gave us the fertility boost that we need?!?!

The Lord Will Fight for You, and You Have Only to be Silent. Ex 14:14

2010-11-08T11:33:00.001-08:00

Its Not About Me, but Its All About Me

2010-11-08T11:31:00.000-08:00

I have said before that when I was younger I felt like because of my childhood struggles, nothing else bad could ever happen to me. Like everyone on earth gets one bad thing that happens to them, but thats all that God allows. Well I know now that I was wrong! So then what do you do with the knowledge that multiple bad things can happen to you? I'm struggling with alot of fear at this realization. So maybe my childhood prepared me for this. I prayed for strength every day and maybe this is just a test of the strength God gave me. But if this is true, my fear is that this is just preparing me for the next battle in life. Like there is something much worse than this coming and God is making sure that I will be strong enough. My church tells me that sometimes God has to do something to you to change something in you to do something through you. I have prayed from a very young age that God would use me. I want to make a difference in this world. I want to help others. I think everyone wants that, but I begged for it. The Bible says that sometimes God will afflict you with something and even if you pray and do everything you are supposed to, His answer to your prayers will be no. This is not meant to be cruel, but to humble you. My mom is convinced that I am going through this so that I can help others, which is why I started this blog. She also is convinced that I will have a child and that I just have to be patient. As much as I love her and I want to believe in the hope that she speaks, I feel that I have been patient. I've had TWENTY MONTHS of patience. I pray that God's grace will be sufficient for me and that His strength will be made perfect in my weakness. 2 Corinthians 7:9

I prayed to the Lord and He answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4

Meditation

2010-11-08T11:21:00.000-08:00

The thing I battle most in all of this is anger. I am angry almost all the time. I am angry at my body, I am angry at God, and I am angry at everyone around me who has no idea what I'm going through. I am a very religious person and I believe that God is good. I believe that we can all have a close personal relationship with Him and that when we pray to Him, He answers us. What I struggle with are the answers. There have been a few times in my life that I have felt like God gave me a clear answer to a problem. When I was growing up, I had a pretty difficult home life. I won't go into details because that is a story for someone else to tell. But I always thought that that was the worst thing that could happen to me, so nothing else could hurt me. Because of what I went through, nothing else bad could ever happen to me. I believed that. Once this journey began, I began to feel that God was drawing me nearer to Him and I felt thankful for the quick growth that I was going through. But that feeling of thankfulness soon turned to anger.
The Dalai Lama says that without basic human goodness, religion cannot work. You have to remember that all beings want happiness and have the right to work on suffering. Compassion is an emotion based on reason and you must meditate your whole mind on this emotion. When the feeling of compassion gets weaker, analyze it again and then when you get it back, meditate on it. This is the way to combat anger.Then you will see the negativeness of hatred and what it does to your happiness. Individual anger is blind energy that brings disaster. It is alright to confront injustices without anger. With compassion comes self-confidence.
Meditating on this wisdom has given me peace on many occasions.
I know that as a Christian, sometimes people feel that looking to other religious beliefs for wisdom is worng. But I feel that wisdom can be foundin many places, and there are truths in many beliefs. I don't have all the answers, obviously, so I will continue to search and listen and pray that God leads me to a path of righteousness.

Clomid Round 4, IUI Round 1

2010-11-08T08:55:00.000-08:00

Per my husband and my agreement, I was to be under no stress for any reason during the month of October. If there was something that he thought may stress me out, he was to couch it until next month. I took six days off from work during the time I was scheduled to ovulate. I thought it would be a good idea to have a big support system this month and I strongly believe in the power of prayer, so I told my closest friends what we were doing. One friend even posted on her facebook for others to pray for us. I felt very loved and like this month I was not alone. My doctor instructed me that I was to take an OPK every day starting day 10. Once I got a positive I was to call them and we would do the IUI the next day. I was soooo afraid that I would get a positive on a Friday and it would be too late by Monday. But luckaly, we got our positive on a Sunday (cd15). On Monday morning, I called the doctor. They told me that we needed to be at the lab at 3pm to give a sample. The lab would spin it and pass it off to us to bring to the doctor. They said not to wait in the waiting room and that they would send us right back. My husband and I got all ready, went to a nice lunch, and headed to the lab. I could tell he was nervous. He gave the sample, we waited for an hour. They called us back and the woman gave me the sample to put in my bra so it would stay body temperature. And we rushed over to the doctor's office. When we got there, they told us to wait in the waiting room, which of course irritated me. Then they finally took me back, my husband stayed in the waiting room. I undressed from the waist down and layed on this weird chair/table that could raise and lower my lower half. The doctor and nurse came in and explained what would happen. The doctor said that my husband's sample had 9million good sperm! To the fertile person, that sounds like a lot, but you and I know that its not great. But all we needed was one!! At first it just felt like a pap smear. But then came the catheter and some intense cramping. It wasn't that it was painful as much as extremely uncomfortable. It seemed to take forever! Once it was done, they brought my husband in. He held my hand and we prayed together. I got to lay there for about 15 minutes and then got dressed again. I felt pretty crappy. I went home and layed in bed. I layed in bed for the rest of that day and all day Tuesday. I ate tons of food, all healthy of course. I relaxed. My husband had taken such good care of me all month. On Tuesday I ovulated. I knew that all we needed was just for that egg to attach and we would be pregnant. I treated my body like I was pregnant for the rest of the month. I went back and forth between being hopeful and cynnical, but stayed mostly hopeful. I started using my progesterone cream at 2dpo just to make sure my levels stayed high! Then on 3dpo I started to feel EXTREMELY constipated (sorry TMI I know). I looked it up, and constipation is an early pregnancy symptom! Hopeful. I felt bloated, nauseous, achy, tired, hungry, irritable. I just knew I was pregnant. I felt pregnant. On November 1st (13dpo), I took an hpt. It was negative. After twenty months of negatives being negatives, I now believe a negative. I held out a little bit of hope for two more days, but November 4th (16dpo), I started spotting. I knew it was once again, all over. I was beyond devastated. I was crushed in every ounce of my being. Plus I had told so many people we were having this procedure done, that I didn't want them to be disappointed too. It looked like I would be ending another month with margaritas and tears. The most cruel part of all of it is that at the end of the month, if you aren't pregnant, you get to have cramps and acne. Insult to injury.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life. Provers 13:12

Clomid Rounds Two and Three

2010-11-08T08:30:00.000-08:00

I started Clomid round two at the beginning of August. I ovulated on August 15th (cd18). I was pretty depressed all month. It was a bit of a blur. I think it was the feeling that we had been trying for so long and it was a year from our initial pregnancy deadline. When I went in for my post ovulation doctors appointment, he told me that even if we did everything right, it is very difficult to get pregnant. Humans are not particularly fertile creatures. Yeah, tell that to the hundreds of pregnant teens that seem to cross my path every day! He told me that since the clomid was doing what it was supposed to, he didn't need to continue to monitor me every month and that I should go through the next four rounds and just call them when I'm pregnant. I didn't take a pregnancy test that month. I couldn't bear not to see those two lines. On the 29th (14dpo), I started spotting and knew the evil witch had conquered again. It was now September and I was very hopeful and eager for round three! I had read that most people get pregnant during round three or four. I was extremely moody this month. I was either starving, thirsty, exhausted, or all three at the same time. I had a huge blow up with my husband because he came home late from work and I had been waiting for him to go to dinner and was STARVING! In retrospect I see how ridiculous it was. At the time I knew how ridiculous it was. But I COULD NOT CONTROL MYSELF! I yelled, I screamed, I cried...I beat my couch up with a pillow! I called my mom and told her that my husband was probably going to divorce me (and I was completely serious). I was convinced that he was not mature enough to be a father and I was obviously a crazy person and should not be a mother. It felt like all of the pain and frustration and resentment had all culminated in that one night. NINETEEN months of trying to have a baby and it eluding us. I ovulated the next day. My husband and I talked it out and decided that we each needed to do some changing. I showed him a list of possible symptoms from clomid and explained to him that I had them all! I let him know what I needed from him. I made an appointment with my doctor to discuss the next steps, because obviously this was not working. I told him that I was only willing to do 6 total rounds of clomid and I wanted to use rounds 4-6 to do iui. He agreed. I knew I wasn't pregnant. On Octoer 3rd (17dpo), the evil witch again reared her ugly head.

Let Your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in You alone. Psalm 33:22

Clomid Round 1

2010-11-08T08:12:00.000-08:00

I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I had read all about clomid, the uses and possible side effects, read people's posts about clomid on numerous boards. I just didn't really know what to expect. I think I believed that it was this magic pill and once I took the first one, I would immediately feel different! But I took all five of them, and felt nothing. July 6th I had acupuncture. July 11th (cd17) I ovulated (I was still tracking my bbt). The only symptoms I had was a little bit of extra moodiness and pain during intercourse right around ovulation. On the 15th (cd21) I went in for a pelvic exam and a progesterone test, which showed my progesterone levels were sky high! The doctor sounded very hopeful and said that if I hadn't started my period in a week that I was probably pregnant! YAY! I took an early test on the 20th (9dpo) because my husband and I were leaving on a trip to Europe the next day, it was negative. I took another test on the 23rd (12spo), it was negative. I took another test on the 26th (15dpo), it was negative. On the 28th (17dpo) I started spotting, and I knew it was all over. I had all of these grand hopes that I would find out I was pregnant while wandering the streets of London or Paris. Could I find some fabulous baby names while in Europe? Buy little European baby outfits? I was devastated. I just knew that THIS would work! I had gotten my hopes up again for the first time in months. I had a 10hr flight home on July 31st (cd3) and started round two.

God arms me with strength and He makes my way perfect. Psalm 18:32

The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. Pslam 22:7

He renews my strength. He guides me along the right paths, bringing glory to His name. Psalm 23:3

And To The Infertility Doctor We Went

2010-11-07T12:52:00.000-08:00

By May 2010, with our discovery that I had LPD and my husband had crappy sperm, we decided that it was time. As much as I hate Western Medicine, we had tried everything else and needed some help. We went to a Urologist who told us that other than the vitamins and herbs my husband was already taking there was nothing they could do for him, so we decided to take care of what we could, me. I had done all the research on Luteal Phase Defect and knew the doctor would perscribe Clomid. Basically, every time I would ovulate, I would start spotting almost immediately, giving the egg no time to implant. Clomid was supposed to increase my estrogen, causing my body to produce more progesterone, which I was lacking, and creating a longer luteal phase. This was what I had been avoiding for months! We went to an OB who had been highly recommended to us and had some tests done. I went in for a pelvic sonogram and they saw that my tubes were clear, I had no cysts, and my eggs looked good. By the way, if you have never seen a sonogram of your ovaries, it is quite disturbing and will haunt my dreams for years to come. So all we had to do was wait until I started my period and then we would start our first round of Clomid. So as is my nature, my period never came. I knew I was not pregnant, so I tried EVERYTHING to make that evil witch show her ugly face! I went to a holistic doctor who was concerned that I wasn't getting enough iodine and magnesuim and insisted that I use a progesterone cream once I ovulated so that I wouldn't miscarry if I did get pregnant. Not so helpful. And I drank ginger root tea and ginger ale like it was going out of style. I don't know if it was all the ginger, the magnesium, or just simply time, but I FINALLY started my period June 25, 2010 and started my first cycle of Clomid cd3-7.

Stop and consider the wonderful miracles of God! Job 37:14

Things People Say

2010-11-07T12:40:00.000-08:00

By April of 2010, I was devistated. It had been a year since I had stopped taking the pill and no pregnancy in sight. Plus the horrifying news that my husband may be the reason for our infertility. I didn't want to get out of bed. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't understand why God was being so cruel. In the time that we had been ttc, three of our friends had gotten pregnant. Why not us? And of course everyone's response was "you're just trying to hard", "you're too stressed", "you need to relax", and my favorite "if you just stop trying, you'll get pregnant". My husband's family was less than supportive and my family just wanted to fix it for us. Everywhere I turned I saw pregnant women and teens with babies. You mean to tell me that a 16 year old is more apt to care for a child than my husband and I?? What was I supposed to be learning? Patience? What was this growth that God was causing in my life? What was the purpose of my pain? And if this was just a spiritual journey and when it was time God would give us a child, then what was I to do in the mean time? To stop trying wasn't an option! At one point my sister-in-law told me that maybe I just wasn't ready to have a baby because my life is too busy and I wouldn't be able to give that child the attention it needed. She and her husband of one year and partner of three years are now trying to have a baby. She is in a better place than us though because they have tons of money and she works for her father from home. She will be able to give her child more attention; even though she plans to get a nanny to help her because she won't be able to get any work done with a baby around. These are the hurtful things that people say! They make you feel like it is your fault that you have not conceived! Like this thing that you want more than anything in the world would be attainable if you would just calm down your life. If you had enough faith in God, you would get pregnant. What are you supposed to do with it? So what I did was listen, know that it was a load of crap, and everytime I began this self-loathing thought pattern to say to myself, "you are doing the very best that you can, and when the time is right, God will give you a baby". These people that say these things for the most part are not trying to be hurtful. They just don't know what else to say. Nothing they say can really help because they have no idea what you're going through. They can't imagine the pain that comes with not being able to conceive. They are not in your shoes. They are not the ones who have peed on sticks every month for a year only to see that one lonely line. They have not cried in the shower countless times. They have not had their sex life turn into a science experiment. They have no clue what you are going through, so their "advice" is just crap!

If possible, as much as depends on you, live in peace with everyone...do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12

Acupuncture, Aromatherapy and Feng Shuing My Way to a Baby!

2010-11-07T12:23:00.000-08:00

When we first began ttc, I decided that I wanted my body to be as healthy as possible. I gave up caffeine, bagan doing yoga twice a week, and switched to all natural beauty products to make sure I had no toxins in my body. Being that I have this "all natural" mindset and don't even take ibprophin for a headache, you can understand my hesitation to pump my body full of hormones in order to get pregnant. So I began to search for alternatives to Western Medicine in my quest to get pregnant. The first thing I found was a book called The Infertility Cure. The author, Randine Lewis, claims that through the use of acupuncture, herbs, and diet, all infertility can be cured. I have always been somewhat of a "closet hippy" and skeptical of Western Medicine, so I was thrilled to try all of the things this book offered. First, I diagnosed myself through its user friendly checklist and discovered that I not only had a spleen deficiency, but I also had signs of damp heat. Plus, my bbt chart showed that I had LPD. If you don't understand what all of this means, thats fine, its not really the point. So I went on the perscribed herbs and eliminated carbs, sugar, and dairy from my diet completely. I felt great and healthy and my bbt chart was looking great. My mom got me an aromatherapy book for Christmas and I began creating potions of lavandar, rosemary, and geranium to rub on my belly. I also found that lavandar and peppermint make a great headache reliever. I live in a medium sized, conservative town on the Bible Belt, so I was unsure that I would be able to find an acupuncturist. To my surprise, a friend of a friend knew a woman who had her own Eastern Medicine clinic and practiced acupuncture. I was very nervous, but made an appointment in January 2010 with Tracy. My first appointment, I had to fill out a long questionaire about my diet and what medicines I took, etc. Then I sat down with Tracy, who was a 30 something hippie, and she asked me all about my journey and questions about my body and diet. She told me that she was concerned about my cold hands and feet because that meant my uterus was also cold, and that she wanted to get my blood flowing and warm me up. The acupuncture itself was a bit surreal. I removed only my shirt and rolled up my pant legs. She started by rubbing lavandar oil on all the places where the needles would be placed. The first needle went right in the top of my head! She placed some in my ears, on my forehead, chest, stomach, wrists, and ankles. It didn't hurt, but some of them felt like reflex points and were uncomfortable. She put a warm light on my feet and stomach, and told me to meditate on my orange, sacral chokra and take deep breaths. About thirty minutes later, she came back and placed tuning forks on my shoulders and feet, removed the needles, gave me a nice rub down, and told me to take my time and get up slowly. I felt like I had been realigned and was given a boost of adrenaline. It was a wonderful experience. She works with an herbalist who gave me some more herbs to take and I began to see her once a week for two months. It was very costly, at $65 a week plus herbs. I was, at this time, taking about 17 different vitamins and herbs a day. But I felt that if this worked it would all be worth it! Then March came along and my husband agreed that we needed to get the ball rolling to prepare ourselves that we may need to see an infertility doctor. He went in for a semen analysis, and things did not look good. His sperm count was great, but his morphology and viability were very low. I was crushed. Could it be that all the things I had been doing were just a waste of time? I wasn't even the problem all along? And now what? There isn't much doctors can do about male factor infertility. I decided to take a break from acupuncture, herbs, and trying to have a baby all together. In the mean time, I decided to feng shui my house and did a sage smudging to get rid of any bad infertility energy. In April, my acupuncturist was blessed with a surprise pregnancy with her new boyfriend. I was happy for her, but felt that maybe she had stolen my baby ju ju!!

To create health, you need a new kind of knowledge, based on a deeper concept of life. Deepak Chopra

Back to the beginning

2010-11-05T19:44:00.000-07:00

In August of 2008, my husband of two years (partner of 6 years) and I finally decided we were ready to begin trying for a baby! We decided that the following August we would start trying, that would give me enough time to really prepare my body. I have a heart problem and had been taking steroids for 2 years and see a cardiologist every March. When I went in for my visit, my doctor told me that I could not take the medication I had been on once I got pregnant, and that it would be important for me to drink lots of water. I stopped taking the steroids immediately and went off the pill. In June, I celebrated my 23rd birthday, my husband celebrated his 27th, and we celebrated our 3 year anniversary. By July 2009 I started getting anxious because August was the month we really wanted to be pregnant by and I had already been off the pill for 3 months. So I started researching and began charting my bbt and taking vitex because my cycles had been pretty irregular. August and September passed and at the end of October when my period never came we were thrilled at the idea that we may be preggers! But the test said negative and so we waited. Still no evil witch, but still no positive hpt. So I went to my general doctor, who seemed less than concerned, and still the test was negative. She ordered a blood test to check my hormone levels and sent me on my way. My period was about two weeks late at this point and I was feeling like everything was a pregnancy symptom and maybe I was just one of those people that tested negative for a while, plus all the water I was drinking was diluting my urine. Then I started getting stomach pains and nausia. My doctor told me that sometimes when you want to be pregnant you cause yourself to have false symptoms, thanks! But she reluctantly sent me for a pelvic sonogram to rule out the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy. I had to wait two days for the results, and the conclusion was...I was ovulating. My doctor's explanation was that "sometimes women just miss their period once a year and its totally normal", thanks again! So now it was December and I had been off the pill for 9 mos. I was fully aware of the looming one year mark at which we would be considered officially infertile. So I decided since doctors had been less than helpful, I would turn to Eastern medicine.

Daniel 3:17&18. I know that my God is able to deliver me from this, but if He doesn't, I will still serve Him!