I broke down and tested. Yup, same as the hundreds of others I've taken over the past 3 years, one freaking stupid pink line. Do you know what I have to say to that pink line? F YOU!
So then I went to the grocery store. No one there knew that I had cried the whole way there. No one knew that I was cursing the pregnancy test isle in my head as I walked by. A lone infertile again in fertile land.
I don't know why I'm so sad about it since we weren't even trying. It just seems like we're inching closer and closer to the three year mark and I'm terrified that we will never get pregnant. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I guess I always think in the back of my mind that we will just get pregnant naturally when we least expect it.
F you BS pregnancy symptoms! Where the hell is AF anyway? The biggest reason that I allowed myself to entertain the idea that I could be pregnant is that I haven't even started spotting or cramping and I'm supposed to be on my period today. I'm so freaking sick of getting my hopes up. So sick of being disappointed. Sick of feeling stupid for even being optimistic.
Right now I'm really depressed and I feel very hopeless. I don't think I'll ever see those two pink lines.
Monday, January 16, 2012
UGH
I'm supposed to start my period TODAY, and here's what's been happening.
Tuesday (~11dpo): right and left ovaries swollen and painful (very similar to ovulation on clomid)
Wednesday: still having ovary pain but only on right side
Thursday: I'm a starving crazy lady (just like on clomid) and right ovary pain
Friday: right ovary pain, sore breasts....margaritas and a new tattoo (so according to how fertiles do it, that means I'm probably pregnant ;P)
Saturday: right ovary pain, no spotting or signs of AF what-so-ever
Sunday: no ovary pain, bloated, very sore breasts (even my husband noticed that they're really heavy and swollen), starving, no signs of AF
(I'm not sure what is going on with the ovary pain. It could be from possible endo. Could be a corpus luteum cyst.)
So here's the deal, my average cycle is 33 days, ending today, with a max of 35 days. I'm seriously fighting the urge to take a pregnancy test until at least day 35 because that biatch AF always seems to show up a day late and a dollar short. I'm really battling the thoughts that are running through my head telling me I'm pregnant because if 34 months of TTC have taught me anything, it's that I'm not pregnant. Unfortunately 34 months of TTC have also taught me that everything is a possible pregnancy symptom and "as soon as you stop trying you'll get pregnant". The irony of "not trying" to have a baby is that it doesn't mean that you no longer want one or you are going to stop having sex, so I still find myself just as hopeful each month as I was when we were "trying". (I guess when I was pursuing infertility treatment I had more invested in it and definitely had more hope.) UGH!!!! Now I'm just getting pissed off that I am even letting myself entertain the possibility of being pregnant! So now I'm going to head over to countdowntopregnancy.com to torture myself so more.
UPDATE: According to cdtp^ there is a 28% chance I'm pregnant because I'm not having any spotting and I have many of the same symptoms as about 4% of women who got a BPF...So that was a bad idea. Now I'm dying to take a test. I'm currently viewing a pregnancy due date calculator in another tab. SOMEONE TAKE MY COMPUTER AWAY IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!! How lovely a September baby would be...
Tuesday (~11dpo): right and left ovaries swollen and painful (very similar to ovulation on clomid)
Wednesday: still having ovary pain but only on right side
Thursday: I'm a starving crazy lady (just like on clomid) and right ovary pain
Friday: right ovary pain, sore breasts....margaritas and a new tattoo (so according to how fertiles do it, that means I'm probably pregnant ;P)
Saturday: right ovary pain, no spotting or signs of AF what-so-ever
Sunday: no ovary pain, bloated, very sore breasts (even my husband noticed that they're really heavy and swollen), starving, no signs of AF
(I'm not sure what is going on with the ovary pain. It could be from possible endo. Could be a corpus luteum cyst.)
So here's the deal, my average cycle is 33 days, ending today, with a max of 35 days. I'm seriously fighting the urge to take a pregnancy test until at least day 35 because that biatch AF always seems to show up a day late and a dollar short. I'm really battling the thoughts that are running through my head telling me I'm pregnant because if 34 months of TTC have taught me anything, it's that I'm not pregnant. Unfortunately 34 months of TTC have also taught me that everything is a possible pregnancy symptom and "as soon as you stop trying you'll get pregnant". The irony of "not trying" to have a baby is that it doesn't mean that you no longer want one or you are going to stop having sex, so I still find myself just as hopeful each month as I was when we were "trying". (I guess when I was pursuing infertility treatment I had more invested in it and definitely had more hope.) UGH!!!! Now I'm just getting pissed off that I am even letting myself entertain the possibility of being pregnant! So now I'm going to head over to countdowntopregnancy.com to torture myself so more.
UPDATE: According to cdtp^ there is a 28% chance I'm pregnant because I'm not having any spotting and I have many of the same symptoms as about 4% of women who got a BPF...So that was a bad idea. Now I'm dying to take a test. I'm currently viewing a pregnancy due date calculator in another tab. SOMEONE TAKE MY COMPUTER AWAY IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!! How lovely a September baby would be...
Monday, January 9, 2012
34 Months and Still Two Week Waiting
We aren't "trying" to get pregnant right now, and haven't been really trying since March. By not trying I mean we haven't been tracking ovulation or planning the BD around it. But I still know that I usually ovulate around cd 17 and I still have an app on my phone that tracks AF. So I know that I'm about a week into my tww (if we were "trying"). Some months are easier than others, but every month I have hope until AF rears her ugly head. I know it's silly. I know the chances of us getting pregnant naturally at this point are slim. Most days I really don't even think about getting pregnant (as impossible as that sounds). The strange thing is that it seems like my husband has taken over where I left off.
At first, I was impressed by the idea that he seemed to finally be as pissed off as I was! He came home one day and told me about a woman who asked him when we were going to "finally" try to have a baby. His reaction was exactly what mine would have been. To anyone else this may not seems so impressive, but for nearly three years I've felt like a crazy woman who only thinks about having a baby. But now, every time we have sex (sorry tmi) he says, "what if you're pregnant now" or "could that have gotten you pregnant". I'm kind of glad to see that he cares as much as I do, but I have just gotten to where I can have sex and actually enjoy it without being completely depressed about being infertile and I certainly do not need to be reminded of it. I told him we aren't trying to have a baby right now and I don't want to worry about it. So he said he would worry about it then. I asked him if he would like me to download the app on his phone to track my cycle ;)
Even though it's completely illogical I still have my hopes up once again, thinking that everyone says once you stop trying you'll get pregnant! Even now I just said BS under my breath as I typed it, but I still have my hopes up. I mean it's not impossible. We're having sex and it's not like any of our doctors have told us it's impossible. So this is how I rationalize getting my hopes up. And each month until AF comes, I live in a fantasy world where I am that person that everyone knows who tried to have a baby for years and went through infertility treatments and then just got pregnant naturally after we stopped trying. For seven more days I get to be that girl. And to be perfectly honest, it's more fun being her than the depressed infertile who just got her period for the 34th month in a row.
At first, I was impressed by the idea that he seemed to finally be as pissed off as I was! He came home one day and told me about a woman who asked him when we were going to "finally" try to have a baby. His reaction was exactly what mine would have been. To anyone else this may not seems so impressive, but for nearly three years I've felt like a crazy woman who only thinks about having a baby. But now, every time we have sex (sorry tmi) he says, "what if you're pregnant now" or "could that have gotten you pregnant". I'm kind of glad to see that he cares as much as I do, but I have just gotten to where I can have sex and actually enjoy it without being completely depressed about being infertile and I certainly do not need to be reminded of it. I told him we aren't trying to have a baby right now and I don't want to worry about it. So he said he would worry about it then. I asked him if he would like me to download the app on his phone to track my cycle ;)
Even though it's completely illogical I still have my hopes up once again, thinking that everyone says once you stop trying you'll get pregnant! Even now I just said BS under my breath as I typed it, but I still have my hopes up. I mean it's not impossible. We're having sex and it's not like any of our doctors have told us it's impossible. So this is how I rationalize getting my hopes up. And each month until AF comes, I live in a fantasy world where I am that person that everyone knows who tried to have a baby for years and went through infertility treatments and then just got pregnant naturally after we stopped trying. For seven more days I get to be that girl. And to be perfectly honest, it's more fun being her than the depressed infertile who just got her period for the 34th month in a row.
Monday, January 2, 2012
A New Year
I had a really tough day yesterday, not a good start to 2012. I feel the same way I did about turning 25. 2012 was this fictional year in the future that I thought would never come. I thought by 2012 I would have it together, be a grown up. I'm feeling very envious of other people's lives. I'm feeling very anxious about starting mine. I'm feeling like (again) I'm stuck in this never never land where its another day and my life is still not what I imagined it would be by now. I know that I've moved forward and I'm way ahead of where I was a year ago, but I still feel behind. In a few short months I will be 26, my husband will be 30 and we will still be childless.
This wouldn't be such a blow if it wasn't for the fact that I am constantly looking around me at all of the exciting things other people are doing and thinking that I just don't measure up. I should be really proud of myself and what I accomplished in 2011 (bachelors degree, starting hair school, happy marriage) but instead, I'm constantly wanting more.
I have no idea why I'm in this funk, but last night I was just laying in be and couldn't sleep thinking about the past year. Why is it that my mind goes straight to all of the bad parts of the last year? All of the hurtful things that people said, the painful decisions I had to make, and feeling like a total loser in life. I've been out of school for a week and I go back tomorrow so maybe that will help to snap me out of it. Maybe sitting at home gave me too much time to think and dwell and peruse Facebook. I hope that's all it is.
I looked to see if my past posts in January left any clues to why I'm feeling this way, but there were none. Maybe that says it all.
This wouldn't be such a blow if it wasn't for the fact that I am constantly looking around me at all of the exciting things other people are doing and thinking that I just don't measure up. I should be really proud of myself and what I accomplished in 2011 (bachelors degree, starting hair school, happy marriage) but instead, I'm constantly wanting more.
I have no idea why I'm in this funk, but last night I was just laying in be and couldn't sleep thinking about the past year. Why is it that my mind goes straight to all of the bad parts of the last year? All of the hurtful things that people said, the painful decisions I had to make, and feeling like a total loser in life. I've been out of school for a week and I go back tomorrow so maybe that will help to snap me out of it. Maybe sitting at home gave me too much time to think and dwell and peruse Facebook. I hope that's all it is.
I looked to see if my past posts in January left any clues to why I'm feeling this way, but there were none. Maybe that says it all.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Year's Ballad
Dear Infertility (You Don't Own Me)
Dear pain, oh, it's been a long time
Remember when you were holding me tight
I would stay awake with you all night
Dear shame, I was safe in your arms
You were there when it all fell apart
I would get so lost in your beautiful eyes
I let you go
But you're still chasing
Go ahead, you're never gonna take me
You can bend, but you're never gonna break me
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me
Dear hate, I know you're not far
You would wait at the door of my heart
I was amazed at the passion in your cries
Dear anger, you made me so high
You were faithful to show up on time
Such a flame that was burning in your eyes
I let you go
But you're still chasing
Go ahead, you're never gonna take me
You can bend, but you're never gonna break me
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me
Go ahead, put a target on my forehead
You can fire, but you got no bullets
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me
You're tempting me to look back
But everything that we had together was a lie
Go ahead, you're never gonna take me
You can bend, but you're never gonna break me
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me
Go ahead, put a target on my forehead
You can fire, but you got no bullets
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me
-Disciple (Horseshoes and Handgrenades)
Dear pain, oh, it's been a long time
Remember when you were holding me tight
I would stay awake with you all night
Dear shame, I was safe in your arms
You were there when it all fell apart
I would get so lost in your beautiful eyes
I let you go
But you're still chasing
Go ahead, you're never gonna take me
You can bend, but you're never gonna break me
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me
Dear hate, I know you're not far
You would wait at the door of my heart
I was amazed at the passion in your cries
Dear anger, you made me so high
You were faithful to show up on time
Such a flame that was burning in your eyes
I let you go
But you're still chasing
Go ahead, you're never gonna take me
You can bend, but you're never gonna break me
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me
Go ahead, put a target on my forehead
You can fire, but you got no bullets
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me
You're tempting me to look back
But everything that we had together was a lie
Go ahead, you're never gonna take me
You can bend, but you're never gonna break me
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me
Go ahead, put a target on my forehead
You can fire, but you got no bullets
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me
-Disciple (Horseshoes and Handgrenades)
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Are Those Happy Tears?
I feel like life has been really good for the past couple of months. I'm loving hair school. My husband is wonderful as usual. Things just feel really good right now. And yet, I'm very weepy. It may be a song, a comment, a feeling, anything these days can bring me to tears. Maybe it is the holidays. Maybe they're happy tears.
I know this is a little psychotic, but it is how my mind works, always analyzing everything. But I'm sitting here wondering if I'm trying to really focus on how happy things are so I won't think about the one thing I'm missing and that one thing is where the tears are coming from. Like I've decided to change my mindset and choose happiness, but those feelings of pain and hurt that I'm repressing just bubble up every once in a while.
I'm not sure what to do with this, because I don't know if it's a problem or not. It just seems like if you repress feelings they will eventually come to the surface, and I would rather not have a nervous breakdown! But how many times can you purge the same thoughts over and over? I'm just so old and practiced in punishment, that I'm simply not interested in it anymore. I guess I would rather focus on the happy and not let the one thing I don't have affect how I feel about all of the things that I do.
So is it just me always waiting for the bottom to fall out of things and I'm freaking out because things are all really good and calm right now?? Geez I wish I wasn't such a freak!!!!
I know this is a little psychotic, but it is how my mind works, always analyzing everything. But I'm sitting here wondering if I'm trying to really focus on how happy things are so I won't think about the one thing I'm missing and that one thing is where the tears are coming from. Like I've decided to change my mindset and choose happiness, but those feelings of pain and hurt that I'm repressing just bubble up every once in a while.
I'm not sure what to do with this, because I don't know if it's a problem or not. It just seems like if you repress feelings they will eventually come to the surface, and I would rather not have a nervous breakdown! But how many times can you purge the same thoughts over and over? I'm just so old and practiced in punishment, that I'm simply not interested in it anymore. I guess I would rather focus on the happy and not let the one thing I don't have affect how I feel about all of the things that I do.
So is it just me always waiting for the bottom to fall out of things and I'm freaking out because things are all really good and calm right now?? Geez I wish I wasn't such a freak!!!!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Christmas Cards
I have been getting the cutest Christmas cards in the mail this year. It is one of my favorite things at Christmas time to open up the mail and see all of the pictures and well wishes from friends and family. But at the same time, it makes me feel like a loser for not having sent any out this year...or last year. So I started thinking. Have I not sent out a Christmas card because I've been so busy? Yes. But now that I think about it, the first year that my husband and I were married, we sent out generic Christmas cards. The second year, we sent out an adorable Christmas card with photos of us and our puppies. The next year, we sent out a card with a cute picture of the two of us. And last year, I had dreams of sending out a maternity picture of us excited about expanding our family. That card never happened.
So my question is, is it pathetic at some point as a married couple to keep sending out Christmas cards with pictures of ourselves on them? All of our friends have sent us cards with pictures of their kids and a newly engaged couple sent us a card with a CD of holiday music. I don't like generic cards, so I like the idea of a photo, but once you have been married for over 5 years, is it just arrogant/creepy to send out a picture of ourselves? I would just feel weird about it.
Clearly I need some new ideas for a creative Christmas card from the two of us. Or maybe I will just wait and hope that next year we will have a baby bump to take a picture of. Sigh.
Here's another option
So my question is, is it pathetic at some point as a married couple to keep sending out Christmas cards with pictures of ourselves on them? All of our friends have sent us cards with pictures of their kids and a newly engaged couple sent us a card with a CD of holiday music. I don't like generic cards, so I like the idea of a photo, but once you have been married for over 5 years, is it just arrogant/creepy to send out a picture of ourselves? I would just feel weird about it.
Clearly I need some new ideas for a creative Christmas card from the two of us. Or maybe I will just wait and hope that next year we will have a baby bump to take a picture of. Sigh.
Here's another option
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