Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
6 Days Late and Dreaming
Last night I woke up having a dream that I was holding tiny twin baby girls in my arms. My husband was making bottles and they just kept sucking them down left and right. I was looking at them like I look at my puppy. They were so tiny and sweet and I felt unconditional love for them. What's weird is I really don't remember ever dreaming about baby girls. I always dream about baby boys. And never twins.
I don't know why but some months just get to me more than others. Some months AF comes and goes without a thought and some months (like this one) it seems like everything makes me think of the possibility of being pregnant. I have a rule that I can't take a pregnancy test until I'm 7 days late. I just dug through my bathroom drawer stash of fertility stuff and found that I have about 10 expired pregnancy tests and a couple of unexpired ovulation tests. (Apparently those work as pregnancy tests too.)
Ugh, I hate the pull of this. I hate who it makes me. I hate the fear. It all seems very surreal. Every time.
I've stopped counting the months. We've stopped trying. I haven't given up hope though.
If only there was a rule (like in the movies) that if your period was late, that meant you're pregnant. Unfortunately my body likes to play games.
I don't know why but some months just get to me more than others. Some months AF comes and goes without a thought and some months (like this one) it seems like everything makes me think of the possibility of being pregnant. I have a rule that I can't take a pregnancy test until I'm 7 days late. I just dug through my bathroom drawer stash of fertility stuff and found that I have about 10 expired pregnancy tests and a couple of unexpired ovulation tests. (Apparently those work as pregnancy tests too.)
Ugh, I hate the pull of this. I hate who it makes me. I hate the fear. It all seems very surreal. Every time.
I've stopped counting the months. We've stopped trying. I haven't given up hope though.
If only there was a rule (like in the movies) that if your period was late, that meant you're pregnant. Unfortunately my body likes to play games.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Wouldn't That Be A Kick In The Pants!
My period is 3 days late (not abnormal at all), but every month that I'm even a day late without spotting I think this could be the month! Wouldn't that just be a kick in the pants for all the people who say that I just need to calm down and not be so stressed and "it will happen"!?!?!
I've seen my husband a total of 2 times this month, I'm going to school 40+ hrs a week and working 20, I'm trying to sell my house and find a job in another city...stressed, party of 1!!!
Anyway, I'm sure that little red devil AF will show her face soon enough, but wouldn't it be great to get those two little lines and say SEEEEE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH STRESS BIATCHES! IT HAS TO DO WITH GOD'S TIMING AND NOTHING ELSE! SO SUCK IT! :)
Haha, one can dream!
I've seen my husband a total of 2 times this month, I'm going to school 40+ hrs a week and working 20, I'm trying to sell my house and find a job in another city...stressed, party of 1!!!
Anyway, I'm sure that little red devil AF will show her face soon enough, but wouldn't it be great to get those two little lines and say SEEEEE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH STRESS BIATCHES! IT HAS TO DO WITH GOD'S TIMING AND NOTHING ELSE! SO SUCK IT! :)
Haha, one can dream!
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Worst Blogger Ever
I feel like I am the worst blogger ever right now!!! In my defense, I am trying to sell my house, finish school, move to a new city, find a job, and find a new house. All the while, for some reason, I am completely fixated on the idea of having a baby. Not on having a baby so much, but on the "when we will have a baby" timeframe. It seems like all of this change (and turning 26) has kicked my biological clock back on. I had been at peace for a few months about the idea that this isn't our time, so I can't help but think that once we move and get settled in it may become our time.
I think maybe it is the house hunting that has forced me to think about the prospect of children. Not that any IF ever really shuts that completely off. But when you're buying a house you think, "Hmmm, what will we use this room for?" and all of those feelings begin to flood back. I really thought that when we bought our current home, it would be the place we would bring our baby home from the hospital to. And now, who knows. So do you buy a house with a child in mind that you are no closer to than when you purchased your last house?
My husband traded in his truck for a car this weekend and when he was test driving a ridiculous little sports car (that he LOVED :x), all I could think was, "Where the heck would we put a baby car seat in this car??" Needless to say, I vetoed the car right away and we came to a compromise on another vehicle. So as I said, I know I am the worst blogger ever. I have tons to say, but too many things going on right now to sit down and type them. I will try to keep you guys posted on new developments, and know that I am keeping all of you in my prayers. xoxo
I think maybe it is the house hunting that has forced me to think about the prospect of children. Not that any IF ever really shuts that completely off. But when you're buying a house you think, "Hmmm, what will we use this room for?" and all of those feelings begin to flood back. I really thought that when we bought our current home, it would be the place we would bring our baby home from the hospital to. And now, who knows. So do you buy a house with a child in mind that you are no closer to than when you purchased your last house?
My husband traded in his truck for a car this weekend and when he was test driving a ridiculous little sports car (that he LOVED :x), all I could think was, "Where the heck would we put a baby car seat in this car??" Needless to say, I vetoed the car right away and we came to a compromise on another vehicle. So as I said, I know I am the worst blogger ever. I have tons to say, but too many things going on right now to sit down and type them. I will try to keep you guys posted on new developments, and know that I am keeping all of you in my prayers. xoxo
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Happenings
I have had so many things I've wanted to blog about in the past month, with zero time to do so. So, lets catch up!
Today is officially CD1...waa waaaa waaaaaa. I've been having lots of dreams about babies (neither here nor there) and the same thought that we all have each month that "maybe this will be the month that I get pregnant". I know we have all been watching Giuliana and Bill Rancic's journey to becoming parents and crying our eyes out (gosh, I hope it isn't just me...pathetic). I was on a daily Jessica Simpson baby watch just going over and over in my head how it could be possible that she was still pregnant (I mean come on, she announced in October??), so thank goodness that is over. Can't believe Reese Witherspoon is preggers, and apparently maybe Drew Barrymore too, no? Another year, and everyone is pregnant but me. Last night I was waiting for a friend outside Starbucks and watching in horror while a visibly pregnant woman smoked a cigarette.
Anywho, what else is new? My husband found out on Wednesday that he is being promoted and we are moving to the Dallas/Ft Worth area! We put our house on the market the next day, and I'm FREAKING OUT!!!! I've lived in the same city my entire life! I know there is a bright future that lies ahead of us, but I'm too stressed to be excited right now.
So, that's where we are. I'm actually feeling kinda numb. A lot of things to deal with. Please keep us in your prayers, we're hoping for a quick sell of our home so that I don't have to stay behind for very long (my husband leaves in 16 days).
Today is officially CD1...waa waaaa waaaaaa. I've been having lots of dreams about babies (neither here nor there) and the same thought that we all have each month that "maybe this will be the month that I get pregnant". I know we have all been watching Giuliana and Bill Rancic's journey to becoming parents and crying our eyes out (gosh, I hope it isn't just me...pathetic). I was on a daily Jessica Simpson baby watch just going over and over in my head how it could be possible that she was still pregnant (I mean come on, she announced in October??), so thank goodness that is over. Can't believe Reese Witherspoon is preggers, and apparently maybe Drew Barrymore too, no? Another year, and everyone is pregnant but me. Last night I was waiting for a friend outside Starbucks and watching in horror while a visibly pregnant woman smoked a cigarette.
Anywho, what else is new? My husband found out on Wednesday that he is being promoted and we are moving to the Dallas/Ft Worth area! We put our house on the market the next day, and I'm FREAKING OUT!!!! I've lived in the same city my entire life! I know there is a bright future that lies ahead of us, but I'm too stressed to be excited right now.
So, that's where we are. I'm actually feeling kinda numb. A lot of things to deal with. Please keep us in your prayers, we're hoping for a quick sell of our home so that I don't have to stay behind for very long (my husband leaves in 16 days).
Sunday, April 15, 2012
This is only the beginning...
Okay guys, here's a little something I've been working on while on a TTC break!
www.kendracardentimmons.blogspot.com
I hope you all start following my new blog! After all, who doesn't need a break from talking about hormones and hcg levels to talk about hair and makeup?!?!?! xoxo
www.kendracardentimmons.blogspot.com
I hope you all start following my new blog! After all, who doesn't need a break from talking about hormones and hcg levels to talk about hair and makeup?!?!?! xoxo
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
We Can't Go Back
My mom gave me a CD of pictures she had taken of me about three years ago before we started TTC. At the time, I wanted her to take them because I was in great shape and feeling really good about myself and I was afraid that when we got pregnant I would never look that good again, so I wanted to preserve the memory. Flash to three years later. No baby. And yet, I still look at those pictures and feel like I will never look and feel that good again.
In the past three years I have lost and gained weight. Acquired wrinkles. Had acne wreak havoc on my skin. My husband has gone almost completely bald (he went ahead and shaved what was left of it). And we have absolutely nothing to show for it. I would have gladly given my body up for a growing baby inside me, but not for failed infertility treatments and subsequent depression.
I look at those pictures and wish I could take it all back. I wish I had never decided to start TTC. I wish I had never gotten off the BCP. I wish we had just gone about our lives, happy and unaware, because now we can't go back. I will never be that carefree girl again. I see glimpses of her, but they're rare. I will never have that optimistic hopefulness for what the future holds. I look in the mirror and see all of the flaws. All of the ways my body has completely and totally failed me. And I think to myself as I creep closer to 30 how my chances of ever getting pregnant dwindle.
There are days when I can convince myself that this has been a journey of discovery that has led me to wisdom and faith that I never imagined and I should be grateful for that. Today is not one of those days.
In the past three years I have lost and gained weight. Acquired wrinkles. Had acne wreak havoc on my skin. My husband has gone almost completely bald (he went ahead and shaved what was left of it). And we have absolutely nothing to show for it. I would have gladly given my body up for a growing baby inside me, but not for failed infertility treatments and subsequent depression.
I look at those pictures and wish I could take it all back. I wish I had never decided to start TTC. I wish I had never gotten off the BCP. I wish we had just gone about our lives, happy and unaware, because now we can't go back. I will never be that carefree girl again. I see glimpses of her, but they're rare. I will never have that optimistic hopefulness for what the future holds. I look in the mirror and see all of the flaws. All of the ways my body has completely and totally failed me. And I think to myself as I creep closer to 30 how my chances of ever getting pregnant dwindle.
There are days when I can convince myself that this has been a journey of discovery that has led me to wisdom and faith that I never imagined and I should be grateful for that. Today is not one of those days.
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