I Don't Know Much

I don't know much about being pregnant (I've never done it before), but I'll let you in on the things I've learned in the first 10 weeks:

1. The mommy guilt begins early! I'm already dealing with feelings of guilt because I'm not eating the most perfectly healthy things for my baby. Hey, I've been sick! I have the best of intentions, but I have to eat whatever I can stand to swallow. I'm not going to punish myself for not following a perfect diet. My baby will get the nutrients it needs and once I start feeling better, I will start eating better.

2. It's okay to complain (a little). I feel like because I've wanted a baby for so long, I really shouldn't complain about how tired and sick I am. I remember hearing pregnant women complain and thinking, "Duh! Of course you don't feel great, you're growing a human!" and now that I'm growing a human of my own, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna complain a bit. And I'm going to let myself, because I'm not going to punish myself anymore. Not for being an infertile turned fertile, not for being lucky and blessed to have an amazing husband and be pregnant, not for anything! I'm going to enjoy every second that I can of this pregnancy and if I don't feel well I'm going to take the sympathy as it comes (even if it's only from my hubby!). Because let me tell you, I am really sick and tired! LOL

3. The world isn't going to stop for nine months because I'm suddenly pregnant. I'm not gonna lie, I thought there should be a parade (or balloons at least) when we announced our pregnancy! Much to my dismay, it just wasn't so. Yes, everyone was really excited and supportive for a couple of weeks, but now it's pretty much calmed down. And to top things off, my sister just announced she is engaged and getting married New Years Eve in Vegas (obviously I won't be going because I'll be 7mos pregnant by then). Yeah, when the first born announces her engagement, it kinda trumps your piddly old pregnancy...thanks for stealing my thunder sis!

4. Paranoia! I don't know if it's the fact that I'm living alone for the first time in my life right now or all of those episodes of 48hrs and Law & Order coming back to haunt me, but I'm seriously paranoid! I'm afraid of all of the things that could happen to me and the statistics about pregnant women being harmed. But it's not just that, until the past couple of days, every time I felt a twinge in my tummy, I would run to the bathroom expecting to see blood. I think it's just the infertile in me, still in disbelief that this is happening.

5. A few tips for the sickness: ginger, fire jolly ranchers, hot water with lemon and a spoonful of apple cider vinegar (for acid reflux).

6. I'm already getting a tiny lil pooch! I was admittedly very thin before I got pregnant, so the tiny baby (about the size of a lime) in my tummy is already showing! Not to anyone else, but just to me! And I absolutely love it! Though my clothes do not :) I promise if I start taking bump pics I will post them on a separate page so you can look if you want to and not if you don't! My husband doesn't want to photograph it yet because he thinks it's too small and people will just think I already had this pooch!! Haha.

7. Although none of the above sounds very glamorous, I WAKE UP EVERY DAY FEELING SO HAPPY AND SO LUCKY THAT I HAVE A GROWING BABY IN MY BODY! I know that my infertility story has not been nearly as difficult as a lot of you out there. I thank God that I've never miscarried like many of you have had to go through. Many of you went through many more IUIs than I did and even several rounds of IVF. I know how lucky I am. And I don't forget it. Every second of every day I'm thanking God and praying that this baby will be healthy, happy, and love God.

And I'm praying for all of you out there who are still fighting the good fight! I know what you're feeling and how difficult it is to be strong in the face of infertility, but I know that you are stronger than you know, and I pray that God will wrap you in His arms and be your strength when you have none left. xoxo

Coming Out

I feel like today was my coming out party! I had told my close friends and family that we're pregnant, but I hadn't announced it to the world (or Facebook :P). The people that are really close to me know what my husband and I went through with IF, but the acquaintances did not. And no one knows about this blog. I really wanted to make my Facebook post meaningful and expressive of what we've been through because I don't know who else is going through it. I remember every time one of my FB friends got pregnant I would immediately hide them! Not because I was not happy for them but because I knew what was to come...my baby is the size of an orange! We're having a boy/girl! Today I puked! etc. 

This is what I wrote: 4 years ago my husband and I decided we wanted to start a family. A year and a half later we turned to acupuncture, herbs and clean living. When all else failed, we sought infertility treatment. After over a year of treatment for unexplained infertility and 2 failed IUIs, we decided to forgo further treatment and to instead give it to God and trust that He would fill the desire in our hearts to be parents. A year later, God has created an overnight miracle in our lives and we’re going to have a baby! Thank you so much for all of the love and prayers you have all sent our way! Words cannot express the joy that we’re feeling right now!

It has been a really emotional day and all of the kind words and well wishes that people are pouring out mean so much to me. It's like God is just wrapping me in His arms and telling me it's my time and now I can just breathe!

Almost 8 Weeks!

Two days ago we got to experience something that I hadn't thought possible for a long time. We got to see our baby's heartbeat!!! And hear it too! I seriously think part of me was waiting for the doctor to look around in there and say it was all a fluke and there was no baby...but there was! The second I saw that little flicker of a heartbeat, I knew this was real. This is really happening!

Part of me doubted I would ever get to experience pregnancy, and now here I am, almost 8 weeks! I ate a banana today and (for the first time) immediately puked it back up! Best puke ever!!!! Lol.

I'm now the girl that if you come across my blog for the first time you're inspired and annoyed at the same time because you can look at all that I've been through with infertility and see that for me there was an endpoint, but also because I'm that annoying biatch that stopped trying and got pregnant. So you're welcome and I'm sorry all at once. I love you girls so much and could have never gotten here without your kind words, support and being able to relate to your journeys, so thank you!

And just a little tid bit, but my new OB is an IF too. Married for ten years and a couple of failed IVF cycles, so keep her in your prayers too! We all think it's bad being IF in a world of Fertile Mertles, I can't imagine how she must feel every day!!!

How Did This Happen Anyway?

I've been off birth control for a little over 3 years. I did about a year of natural/holistic ttc and 9 mos of IF treatment (over a period of a year). I consider myself infertile. And yet, I'm pregnant! I've done nothing different. NOTHING! I haven't visualized this happening and believed it into existence. In fact, for about a year now I hadn't believed that I would ever get pregnant myself (especially not naturally) and had assumed that our road would be filled with more treatments and possible adoption. I had almost accepted that I was happy without children and maybe I would never be a mother. I never thought I would get to see those two pink lines. NEVER! I am really a little pissed that I'm now a part of the annoying statistic that "when you stop trying you'll get pregnant" so I wanted to write this post for you women that are still out there ttc.

I do not believe for one moment that it was because we stopped trying that we got pregnant! I think that had we made another decision and continued with treatment we would have gotten pregnant that way too. I think it is more about timing. We each have to do what we feel comfortable with. I do think our decisions on treatment matter, but we all know that there is an aspect of this that is out of our control. Why when all of the analyses look perfect does an IUI not work? I have no freaking clue! The only thing that I can tell myself is that it wasn't the right time.

I feel like there is nothing more painful than going through this feeling like you're doing everything you possibly can and you still aren't pregnant. Nothing! I just don't want you girls out there to think that there is some way that it is your fault that you aren't pregnant right now and I am (because I've been there and felt that). I know you women have faith. I know you trust the Lord. Pursuing treatment does not negate that! You do what is right for you!

So finally, all I can figure is that this was God's time to create a miracle in our life and that this will all be to glorify Him. Who knows, maybe it simply took 3 years for my body to recover after 6 years of birth control? I have no idea how in the heck this happened, but I'm cautiously optimistic and praising God for the miracle that is right now growing in me. And as always, I am praying that all of you strong, faithful, patient women will get to experience that same miracle in your lives very soon.

6 Week Update

We are at 6 weeks now and doing okay. Still spotting, but only brown, and my doctor said that as long as I'm not soaking through a pad or anything it's okay. I've been trying to stay off my feet as much as possible just to be safe. My HCG levels on Saturday were 3600 and on Monday 6100 so that's good. It is starting to sink in a little bit that this may actually be happening!

Our first official doctor appt will be next Friday in the city to which we are moving (that's a whole other story), and I can't wait to see that lil heartbeat.

I think I'm still shocked. It is beginning to sink in little by little every day, but it is still so unbelievable. God has really created a miracle!

Thank you for all of your prayers and words of encouragement (they mean so much to me). I will keep you updated.

Spent the Day In the ER...

Yesterday I was having some brown spotting which kinda freaked me out, but I looked it up online and everyone said it was okay unless it was red and cramping. This morning I was at school and went to the bathroom and there was red in the toilet. I freaked out, got my instructor and my friend and told them (sobbing) what was going on. My friend called her mom who is a nurse and she said I needed to call my mom and go to the ER. I hadn't told my mom yet because I wanted to tell the whole family at once. So I called her. My friend took me to the ER and my mom met us there. I got some blood work done and a regular and pelvic sonogram. By this time there was no bleeding. They said there was a gestational sac implanted but it was too soon to see a heartbeat if there was one. So they got a base HCG level and I have to get more blood work Monday to make sure it is progressing normally.

I'm totally freaked out. Every twinge in my stomach, every spot, everything! I'm freaked out bc I don't know if there is even life in there. My mom said she bled with me and everything was fine.

I also found out that I am RH- so I got a shot for that.

I have like 40 hrs of school left and was supposed to finish on Friday, but idk what I'm going to do because I have to be on bed rest. I already spoke with my boss and told her I can't work tomorrow. The doctor said I need to just take it easy and relax. I'm still having brown spotting and maybe a tiny bit of cramping.

My mom went and got me groceries and I'm trying to relax and take care of myself, but I'm scared. And my husband isn't here. That's what made everything extra difficult today. I just hate that he isn't here for me to lean on. And the fact that our lives are so crazy right now and I may have a picky lil baby growing in me is concerning. You hear about these women who are pregnant and just do it all so I assumed that I would be fine. Maybe along with everything else in my life it just isn't going to be that easy!

Please pray that there is a healthy growing baby inside me and that this too shall pass and everything will be perfect!!!! Hopefully I will know more this week and I will update you all.

Day 2 and Still Shocked

I still cannot believe that I woke up yesterday morning like every other time I've taken a pregnancy test and it was positive! I took the OPK first and it was super positive (5:22 am). So I got back in bed and thought to myself that my body was probably freaking out and I was just ovulating. I told myself "How many times has your body freaked out and ovulated at a weird time? And how many times have you actually been pregnant? You aren't pregnant!" I laid in bed for an hour. Then I got up and took two old pregnancy tests that I had (one expired last month and the other was a bit older). They were instantly positive! Instantly! When I dipped the first one in the cup it was just like every other time and I have to say I could not believe my eyes when it turned positive! I thought I was dreaming!

Since my husband is living 6 hours away, I called him immediately! He didn't answer. So I called again and he answered half asleep. I think he thought he was dreaming. He kept saying he was waiting for his alarm to go off and to wake up. I was sobbing uncontrollably! As soon as he realized he wasn't dreaming, his immediate concern was that I tell no one. Between 3+ years of ttc and his sister's early miscarriage last year, I could tell he was really scared.

I had to go to school and I decided that I would tell only my school bff about the news. She cried, I cried. I have no idea how I made it through the day yesterday. It was like everything was the same except I was pregnant!

I feel like I have this huge secret that I want to scream from the rooftops but the IF part of me knows we are far from the safe zone.

I can't wait to get past the scared part and get to the excited part!!!!