There is so much going on in my husband and my life right now. He is up for a promotion and we may be moving this summer. I am about to start my own business. We are not currently trying to conceive.
We haven't REALLY been ttc since last summer. Some months I still get my hopes up. Maybe it is because I've been insanely busy, or maybe it's because I've been working part time in a children's clothing store, but I'm having a lot of anxiety at the thought of having children. I don't think I can accurately put into writing all of the things that I've been working through, but I will try because there may be one other girl out there feeling the way I am and thinking she's crazy too! :)
I look at parents out shopping with their kids and think to myself how horrible it is that these moms speak to their children and husbands with such disdain. Does having kids mean you will be miserable? Hate your kids, hate your husband, hate your life, get fat and ugly, get divorced and be a single mom? I honestly do not know a single couple that has children that I actually envy. They all seem MISERABLE!
I am not saying that these couples would necessarily have been blissfully happy if they had not had children. I am not saying that I didn't whole-heartedly want a baby for the past three years. I'm not saying that I don't still get choked up over the idea of having a human growing inside of me that looks like a combination of me and my husband. What I'm saying is that I have concerns.
I've never seen myself as the woman who has kids and they become her whole life. I think my husband and I would be great parents and would create a really nice life for a child. I still plan to be myself, have my dreams, enjoy my life with my husband, etc. So will it really be that horrible if we never have children? We are a really happy couple. We've been together for nine years, married for almost six and we're still madly in love.
I guess what I'm saying is that if it is a choice, I would choose happiness and love with my husband over a child I've never met.
This all leads me to wonder if I even belong here anymore (in this world of IF). I appreciate that this is a space where I can think things through. I hope that my thoughts have resonated in others and helped in their journey. But I don't know if IF is something I want to dwell on anymore. I'm not actively trying to have a child like most IF bloggers are, so I don't necessarily need the TWW support. I just don't know if my participation right now brings me back to a place of pain where I no longer want to be. But at the same time, there is something in the back of my mind telling me as I type that there will be a time in the future when I will need this again.
I prayed to God that if this is not the right time for us that He would remove the desire from my heart, and it seems as though He has. So I'm just waiting and trusting that when/if the desire to have a child comes back, it will be His time. Until then, I will be here supporting all of the courageous women who are navigating the world of IF, and praying that you get all of the desires of your hearts.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Silence
I know I've been MIA. I have been trying to be silent and just listen to God. I have a lot to share, but I'm still gathering words. Big changes are coming, I can feel it. Right now I'm just trying to stay super focused, but soon I will share more.
Sending baby dust to all of you and lots of love. xoxo
Sending baby dust to all of you and lots of love. xoxo
Monday, January 30, 2012
Trying to Make Myself Feel Better
I turn 26 and my husband turns 30 in about 4 months...and I'm FREAKIN OUT! I know, I know, we're still young and blady blady blah. I just never thought when we got married that we would be the ages we are and not have kids. So I'm trying to cope with the idea that I may not become a mom until I'm 30.
Last night I ran into a customer that I used to help about six years ago when I was working at Limited Too. Her daughter is now 12 and she has a 1 year old baby girl. What I did not know is that six years ago when I was dressing her 6 year old little girl, she was fighting the infertility battle. She told me the story of six years of trying to have another child, countless treatments, shots, and traveling to other states to see the best infertility doctors in the country. Not one of them was able to get her to ovulate!!! Finally, two years ago she was sitting at the pool and watching women chase their young children around decided that she wasn't really interested in having any more children at 31 years old. So she and her husband decided that he would get a vasectomy. He made an appt, but missed it because of a work emergency. He rescheduled. He missed that appt because he got into a car accident on the way to the appt! Six months later, she got sick on vacation and once she got home she decided to take a pregnancy test. It was positive! She dismissed it because it was such an old test. She took two more tests before she could believe that it was true! She said it was really hard to accept because she had come to terms with the fact that she had the perfect life with her husband and daughter and she was terrified because of her age. The pregnancy was extremely difficult and she really didn't ever believe that it would end in a healthy baby, so when she took her baby girl home from the hospital she hadn't prepared at all.
On one hand this comforts me (to the fact that it's never too late for a miracle), and on the other it terrifies me (that she said it was so much harder to be in her 30s with a baby). I really really really wanted to be a young mom. So I found this little article about some studies that say it is better to wait until 30 to have children. Check it out HERE! And I'm trying to really be mindful about my thoughts on the subject and keep an open mind to the fact that it may be okay that I may not become a mother in my 20s.
Last night I ran into a customer that I used to help about six years ago when I was working at Limited Too. Her daughter is now 12 and she has a 1 year old baby girl. What I did not know is that six years ago when I was dressing her 6 year old little girl, she was fighting the infertility battle. She told me the story of six years of trying to have another child, countless treatments, shots, and traveling to other states to see the best infertility doctors in the country. Not one of them was able to get her to ovulate!!! Finally, two years ago she was sitting at the pool and watching women chase their young children around decided that she wasn't really interested in having any more children at 31 years old. So she and her husband decided that he would get a vasectomy. He made an appt, but missed it because of a work emergency. He rescheduled. He missed that appt because he got into a car accident on the way to the appt! Six months later, she got sick on vacation and once she got home she decided to take a pregnancy test. It was positive! She dismissed it because it was such an old test. She took two more tests before she could believe that it was true! She said it was really hard to accept because she had come to terms with the fact that she had the perfect life with her husband and daughter and she was terrified because of her age. The pregnancy was extremely difficult and she really didn't ever believe that it would end in a healthy baby, so when she took her baby girl home from the hospital she hadn't prepared at all.
On one hand this comforts me (to the fact that it's never too late for a miracle), and on the other it terrifies me (that she said it was so much harder to be in her 30s with a baby). I really really really wanted to be a young mom. So I found this little article about some studies that say it is better to wait until 30 to have children. Check it out HERE! And I'm trying to really be mindful about my thoughts on the subject and keep an open mind to the fact that it may be okay that I may not become a mother in my 20s.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Prayers
I've put a lot of the plans that I had for my life into God's hands in the past year. I decided that I have no control over many things anyway, so I just pray that God will give me peace. Yesterday, I knew AF would be coming (I started spotting) after a really long week of "teases" and I started praying that God would give me peace. I prayed that He would keep me from the pain, give me clarity and make my will match His.
I have to say that when I started my period today I was nothing but slightly annoyed. I'm not saying that my period is of the utmost importance to God when He is going through prayers, but just that there is peace in giving difficult times to God.
Today I'm asking for His forgiveness for being bitter and angry and doubtful. Some days are really crappy on this journey, but I trust that the future holds great things for my life. I trust that this is not all there is. I trust that one day I will be a mom.
I have to say that when I started my period today I was nothing but slightly annoyed. I'm not saying that my period is of the utmost importance to God when He is going through prayers, but just that there is peace in giving difficult times to God.
Today I'm asking for His forgiveness for being bitter and angry and doubtful. Some days are really crappy on this journey, but I trust that the future holds great things for my life. I trust that this is not all there is. I trust that one day I will be a mom.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
That Bitch Hasn't Shown Up Yet
I still have not started my period. I track my cycles on my phone and since July 2010 I have not had a cycle longer than 35 days with an average of 33 days. Today was day 35. I am nauseous, boobs still sore, skin horrible, bloated, hungry, etc. No cramps, I thought I saw a tiny bit of pink earlier on the toilet paper. I AM SO FREAKING ANNOYED!
I don't know how fertiles do it, but every time I have the tiniest hope that I may be pregnant, I obsess over it every second of the day. I think about how I will tell everyone. I think about the next nine months. I invision maternity clothes. I think about whether or not we will want to know the sex of the baby. I OBSESS! And to know that all of this obsessing is probably for nothing and I will get my period tomorrow is almost more than I can take.
All day I have just been praying and asking God to not let me sit here and hope and be miserable any longer if I'm not pregnant. And if I am pregnant that it will be a healthy baby. It just isn't fair to get my hopes up and to drag it out. It makes it so much worse. I'm just praying that If I'm not pregnant I will start my period by tomorrow morning, if not I guess I will take another test (I freaking hate seeing that stupid lonely line).
P.S.You guys have left me the sweetest and most encouraging messages that I've really needed this week, so thank you sooo much!!!!! xoxo
I don't know how fertiles do it, but every time I have the tiniest hope that I may be pregnant, I obsess over it every second of the day. I think about how I will tell everyone. I think about the next nine months. I invision maternity clothes. I think about whether or not we will want to know the sex of the baby. I OBSESS! And to know that all of this obsessing is probably for nothing and I will get my period tomorrow is almost more than I can take.
All day I have just been praying and asking God to not let me sit here and hope and be miserable any longer if I'm not pregnant. And if I am pregnant that it will be a healthy baby. It just isn't fair to get my hopes up and to drag it out. It makes it so much worse. I'm just praying that If I'm not pregnant I will start my period by tomorrow morning, if not I guess I will take another test (I freaking hate seeing that stupid lonely line).
P.S.You guys have left me the sweetest and most encouraging messages that I've really needed this week, so thank you sooo much!!!!! xoxo
Monday, January 16, 2012
BFN. What Else Is New?
I broke down and tested. Yup, same as the hundreds of others I've taken over the past 3 years, one freaking stupid pink line. Do you know what I have to say to that pink line? F YOU!
So then I went to the grocery store. No one there knew that I had cried the whole way there. No one knew that I was cursing the pregnancy test isle in my head as I walked by. A lone infertile again in fertile land.
I don't know why I'm so sad about it since we weren't even trying. It just seems like we're inching closer and closer to the three year mark and I'm terrified that we will never get pregnant. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I guess I always think in the back of my mind that we will just get pregnant naturally when we least expect it.
F you BS pregnancy symptoms! Where the hell is AF anyway? The biggest reason that I allowed myself to entertain the idea that I could be pregnant is that I haven't even started spotting or cramping and I'm supposed to be on my period today. I'm so freaking sick of getting my hopes up. So sick of being disappointed. Sick of feeling stupid for even being optimistic.
Right now I'm really depressed and I feel very hopeless. I don't think I'll ever see those two pink lines.
So then I went to the grocery store. No one there knew that I had cried the whole way there. No one knew that I was cursing the pregnancy test isle in my head as I walked by. A lone infertile again in fertile land.
I don't know why I'm so sad about it since we weren't even trying. It just seems like we're inching closer and closer to the three year mark and I'm terrified that we will never get pregnant. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I guess I always think in the back of my mind that we will just get pregnant naturally when we least expect it.
F you BS pregnancy symptoms! Where the hell is AF anyway? The biggest reason that I allowed myself to entertain the idea that I could be pregnant is that I haven't even started spotting or cramping and I'm supposed to be on my period today. I'm so freaking sick of getting my hopes up. So sick of being disappointed. Sick of feeling stupid for even being optimistic.
Right now I'm really depressed and I feel very hopeless. I don't think I'll ever see those two pink lines.
UGH
I'm supposed to start my period TODAY, and here's what's been happening.
Tuesday (~11dpo): right and left ovaries swollen and painful (very similar to ovulation on clomid)
Wednesday: still having ovary pain but only on right side
Thursday: I'm a starving crazy lady (just like on clomid) and right ovary pain
Friday: right ovary pain, sore breasts....margaritas and a new tattoo (so according to how fertiles do it, that means I'm probably pregnant ;P)
Saturday: right ovary pain, no spotting or signs of AF what-so-ever
Sunday: no ovary pain, bloated, very sore breasts (even my husband noticed that they're really heavy and swollen), starving, no signs of AF
(I'm not sure what is going on with the ovary pain. It could be from possible endo. Could be a corpus luteum cyst.)
So here's the deal, my average cycle is 33 days, ending today, with a max of 35 days. I'm seriously fighting the urge to take a pregnancy test until at least day 35 because that biatch AF always seems to show up a day late and a dollar short. I'm really battling the thoughts that are running through my head telling me I'm pregnant because if 34 months of TTC have taught me anything, it's that I'm not pregnant. Unfortunately 34 months of TTC have also taught me that everything is a possible pregnancy symptom and "as soon as you stop trying you'll get pregnant". The irony of "not trying" to have a baby is that it doesn't mean that you no longer want one or you are going to stop having sex, so I still find myself just as hopeful each month as I was when we were "trying". (I guess when I was pursuing infertility treatment I had more invested in it and definitely had more hope.) UGH!!!! Now I'm just getting pissed off that I am even letting myself entertain the possibility of being pregnant! So now I'm going to head over to countdowntopregnancy.com to torture myself so more.
UPDATE: According to cdtp^ there is a 28% chance I'm pregnant because I'm not having any spotting and I have many of the same symptoms as about 4% of women who got a BPF...So that was a bad idea. Now I'm dying to take a test. I'm currently viewing a pregnancy due date calculator in another tab. SOMEONE TAKE MY COMPUTER AWAY IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!! How lovely a September baby would be...
Tuesday (~11dpo): right and left ovaries swollen and painful (very similar to ovulation on clomid)
Wednesday: still having ovary pain but only on right side
Thursday: I'm a starving crazy lady (just like on clomid) and right ovary pain
Friday: right ovary pain, sore breasts....margaritas and a new tattoo (so according to how fertiles do it, that means I'm probably pregnant ;P)
Saturday: right ovary pain, no spotting or signs of AF what-so-ever
Sunday: no ovary pain, bloated, very sore breasts (even my husband noticed that they're really heavy and swollen), starving, no signs of AF
(I'm not sure what is going on with the ovary pain. It could be from possible endo. Could be a corpus luteum cyst.)
So here's the deal, my average cycle is 33 days, ending today, with a max of 35 days. I'm seriously fighting the urge to take a pregnancy test until at least day 35 because that biatch AF always seems to show up a day late and a dollar short. I'm really battling the thoughts that are running through my head telling me I'm pregnant because if 34 months of TTC have taught me anything, it's that I'm not pregnant. Unfortunately 34 months of TTC have also taught me that everything is a possible pregnancy symptom and "as soon as you stop trying you'll get pregnant". The irony of "not trying" to have a baby is that it doesn't mean that you no longer want one or you are going to stop having sex, so I still find myself just as hopeful each month as I was when we were "trying". (I guess when I was pursuing infertility treatment I had more invested in it and definitely had more hope.) UGH!!!! Now I'm just getting pissed off that I am even letting myself entertain the possibility of being pregnant! So now I'm going to head over to countdowntopregnancy.com to torture myself so more.
UPDATE: According to cdtp^ there is a 28% chance I'm pregnant because I'm not having any spotting and I have many of the same symptoms as about 4% of women who got a BPF...So that was a bad idea. Now I'm dying to take a test. I'm currently viewing a pregnancy due date calculator in another tab. SOMEONE TAKE MY COMPUTER AWAY IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!! How lovely a September baby would be...
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