Our 11 Week Dr Visit (revisited)

I totally forgot to tell you guys about our 11 week OB visit!! It was a total nightmare!

First, I puked in the car on the way there. Then the nurse (not my regular nurse, but some hot mess) gets the doppler out and can't find a heartbeat. She says that doppler gives her trouble and tries another. Still no heartbeat. At this point I'm just praying over and over in my head and trying to hold back the tears. All the while the image of Jennifer Aniston in "Marley and Me" when she goes for her 11 week visit is flashing through my head. Not only was she at the same point in her pregnancy as me, but they couldn't find the hb with the doppler and move on to the sonogram to find that there is no hb and the pregnancy is not viable. The nurse leaves to get the doctor and at this point I was hysterical! My husband held my hand and I just started praying. The doctor rushes in with the sonogram machine and says "no tears no tears" and immediately finds video of my wiggly little 11 week old baby!! I cannot even explain how it felt to see that there was not only a tiny little being in me with a heartbeat and all but that its little arms and legs were flailing about!!!! Such a miracle.

Then the stupid nurse came back and had a ridiculous time taking my blood that included her dropping the blood vial on the floor, having my husband pick it up, it not working, blaming my husband, having him hold the needle in my arm while she left to get a new vial, and leaving a huge knot in my arm. And I puked in the car some more...

But I didn't really care, because all I needed was to see that little baby!

I guess many women have had a similar experience, but part of me just chalks it up to being an infertile masquerading as a pregnant woman!!

Almost 15 Weeks!

Life has been completely crazy in the past 5 weeks! I got a new job, moved to a new city (leaving my unsold house behind) and am currently living in a one bedroom apartment with my husband and three dogs. Who knew?? I look at the girl I was a year ago and can't really even wrap my brain around how I got here. But I have to say, I'm really happy. About 90% of the day, I'm happy. I'm so glad I get to be with my husband again. I like my new job (I have insurance and paid maternity leave...praise God!). And I'm still pregnant!

I've still been sick. Every day. Everyone says it will get better after the first trimester, but I'm here to tell you that that may not always be the case. It's so worth it though (obviously). And I'm glad I'm no longer sick and alone and can torture my husband so he understands what I'm going through! Hehe. What's funny is that he has made two purchases at the Motherhood Maternity store now and I have made zero! One was for preggy pops (they don't work) and the other was today for a belly band. My pants are just a bit too snug at this point to where they're uncomfortable to button. Anyway, today when he checked out he got a little pacifier as a gift with purchase...and let me tell you that we have not bought one singe baby item at this point. We really haven't even looked at any baby things. Not because we're superstitious or we had doubts, but because of our current living situation. We're hoping our house will sell soon and we can get into a new house before the baby is born. Ah, well if I've learned anything in my life that God's plan will come to fruition no matter how much I worry about it, so I just pray and trust that He's got it covered. The point of this story is to say that apparently when my husband saw our little gwp, he teared up a little. I think that now that I'm here with him, it's all becoming really real...

I Don't Know Much

I don't know much about being pregnant (I've never done it before), but I'll let you in on the things I've learned in the first 10 weeks:

1. The mommy guilt begins early! I'm already dealing with feelings of guilt because I'm not eating the most perfectly healthy things for my baby. Hey, I've been sick! I have the best of intentions, but I have to eat whatever I can stand to swallow. I'm not going to punish myself for not following a perfect diet. My baby will get the nutrients it needs and once I start feeling better, I will start eating better.

2. It's okay to complain (a little). I feel like because I've wanted a baby for so long, I really shouldn't complain about how tired and sick I am. I remember hearing pregnant women complain and thinking, "Duh! Of course you don't feel great, you're growing a human!" and now that I'm growing a human of my own, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna complain a bit. And I'm going to let myself, because I'm not going to punish myself anymore. Not for being an infertile turned fertile, not for being lucky and blessed to have an amazing husband and be pregnant, not for anything! I'm going to enjoy every second that I can of this pregnancy and if I don't feel well I'm going to take the sympathy as it comes (even if it's only from my hubby!). Because let me tell you, I am really sick and tired! LOL

3. The world isn't going to stop for nine months because I'm suddenly pregnant. I'm not gonna lie, I thought there should be a parade (or balloons at least) when we announced our pregnancy! Much to my dismay, it just wasn't so. Yes, everyone was really excited and supportive for a couple of weeks, but now it's pretty much calmed down. And to top things off, my sister just announced she is engaged and getting married New Years Eve in Vegas (obviously I won't be going because I'll be 7mos pregnant by then). Yeah, when the first born announces her engagement, it kinda trumps your piddly old pregnancy...thanks for stealing my thunder sis!

4. Paranoia! I don't know if it's the fact that I'm living alone for the first time in my life right now or all of those episodes of 48hrs and Law & Order coming back to haunt me, but I'm seriously paranoid! I'm afraid of all of the things that could happen to me and the statistics about pregnant women being harmed. But it's not just that, until the past couple of days, every time I felt a twinge in my tummy, I would run to the bathroom expecting to see blood. I think it's just the infertile in me, still in disbelief that this is happening.

5. A few tips for the sickness: ginger, fire jolly ranchers, hot water with lemon and a spoonful of apple cider vinegar (for acid reflux).

6. I'm already getting a tiny lil pooch! I was admittedly very thin before I got pregnant, so the tiny baby (about the size of a lime) in my tummy is already showing! Not to anyone else, but just to me! And I absolutely love it! Though my clothes do not :) I promise if I start taking bump pics I will post them on a separate page so you can look if you want to and not if you don't! My husband doesn't want to photograph it yet because he thinks it's too small and people will just think I already had this pooch!! Haha.

7. Although none of the above sounds very glamorous, I WAKE UP EVERY DAY FEELING SO HAPPY AND SO LUCKY THAT I HAVE A GROWING BABY IN MY BODY! I know that my infertility story has not been nearly as difficult as a lot of you out there. I thank God that I've never miscarried like many of you have had to go through. Many of you went through many more IUIs than I did and even several rounds of IVF. I know how lucky I am. And I don't forget it. Every second of every day I'm thanking God and praying that this baby will be healthy, happy, and love God.

And I'm praying for all of you out there who are still fighting the good fight! I know what you're feeling and how difficult it is to be strong in the face of infertility, but I know that you are stronger than you know, and I pray that God will wrap you in His arms and be your strength when you have none left. xoxo

Coming Out

I feel like today was my coming out party! I had told my close friends and family that we're pregnant, but I hadn't announced it to the world (or Facebook :P). The people that are really close to me know what my husband and I went through with IF, but the acquaintances did not. And no one knows about this blog. I really wanted to make my Facebook post meaningful and expressive of what we've been through because I don't know who else is going through it. I remember every time one of my FB friends got pregnant I would immediately hide them! Not because I was not happy for them but because I knew what was to come...my baby is the size of an orange! We're having a boy/girl! Today I puked! etc. 

This is what I wrote: 4 years ago my husband and I decided we wanted to start a family. A year and a half later we turned to acupuncture, herbs and clean living. When all else failed, we sought infertility treatment. After over a year of treatment for unexplained infertility and 2 failed IUIs, we decided to forgo further treatment and to instead give it to God and trust that He would fill the desire in our hearts to be parents. A year later, God has created an overnight miracle in our lives and we’re going to have a baby! Thank you so much for all of the love and prayers you have all sent our way! Words cannot express the joy that we’re feeling right now!

It has been a really emotional day and all of the kind words and well wishes that people are pouring out mean so much to me. It's like God is just wrapping me in His arms and telling me it's my time and now I can just breathe!

Almost 8 Weeks!

Two days ago we got to experience something that I hadn't thought possible for a long time. We got to see our baby's heartbeat!!! And hear it too! I seriously think part of me was waiting for the doctor to look around in there and say it was all a fluke and there was no baby...but there was! The second I saw that little flicker of a heartbeat, I knew this was real. This is really happening!

Part of me doubted I would ever get to experience pregnancy, and now here I am, almost 8 weeks! I ate a banana today and (for the first time) immediately puked it back up! Best puke ever!!!! Lol.

I'm now the girl that if you come across my blog for the first time you're inspired and annoyed at the same time because you can look at all that I've been through with infertility and see that for me there was an endpoint, but also because I'm that annoying biatch that stopped trying and got pregnant. So you're welcome and I'm sorry all at once. I love you girls so much and could have never gotten here without your kind words, support and being able to relate to your journeys, so thank you!

And just a little tid bit, but my new OB is an IF too. Married for ten years and a couple of failed IVF cycles, so keep her in your prayers too! We all think it's bad being IF in a world of Fertile Mertles, I can't imagine how she must feel every day!!!

How Did This Happen Anyway?

I've been off birth control for a little over 3 years. I did about a year of natural/holistic ttc and 9 mos of IF treatment (over a period of a year). I consider myself infertile. And yet, I'm pregnant! I've done nothing different. NOTHING! I haven't visualized this happening and believed it into existence. In fact, for about a year now I hadn't believed that I would ever get pregnant myself (especially not naturally) and had assumed that our road would be filled with more treatments and possible adoption. I had almost accepted that I was happy without children and maybe I would never be a mother. I never thought I would get to see those two pink lines. NEVER! I am really a little pissed that I'm now a part of the annoying statistic that "when you stop trying you'll get pregnant" so I wanted to write this post for you women that are still out there ttc.

I do not believe for one moment that it was because we stopped trying that we got pregnant! I think that had we made another decision and continued with treatment we would have gotten pregnant that way too. I think it is more about timing. We each have to do what we feel comfortable with. I do think our decisions on treatment matter, but we all know that there is an aspect of this that is out of our control. Why when all of the analyses look perfect does an IUI not work? I have no freaking clue! The only thing that I can tell myself is that it wasn't the right time.

I feel like there is nothing more painful than going through this feeling like you're doing everything you possibly can and you still aren't pregnant. Nothing! I just don't want you girls out there to think that there is some way that it is your fault that you aren't pregnant right now and I am (because I've been there and felt that). I know you women have faith. I know you trust the Lord. Pursuing treatment does not negate that! You do what is right for you!

So finally, all I can figure is that this was God's time to create a miracle in our life and that this will all be to glorify Him. Who knows, maybe it simply took 3 years for my body to recover after 6 years of birth control? I have no idea how in the heck this happened, but I'm cautiously optimistic and praising God for the miracle that is right now growing in me. And as always, I am praying that all of you strong, faithful, patient women will get to experience that same miracle in your lives very soon.

6 Week Update

We are at 6 weeks now and doing okay. Still spotting, but only brown, and my doctor said that as long as I'm not soaking through a pad or anything it's okay. I've been trying to stay off my feet as much as possible just to be safe. My HCG levels on Saturday were 3600 and on Monday 6100 so that's good. It is starting to sink in a little bit that this may actually be happening!

Our first official doctor appt will be next Friday in the city to which we are moving (that's a whole other story), and I can't wait to see that lil heartbeat.

I think I'm still shocked. It is beginning to sink in little by little every day, but it is still so unbelievable. God has really created a miracle!

Thank you for all of your prayers and words of encouragement (they mean so much to me). I will keep you updated.