Why you gotta be so mean?

AF came (AGAIN) as expected and here is my message to her, to infertility in general, and to all of the fertiles who don't understand and say stupid S***!!


I know I'm from Texas, but I don't listen to country music. For Taylor Swift I make an exception!


You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again got me feeling like I'm nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I'm wounded
You, pickin' on the weaker man

Well, you can take me down with just one single blow
But you don't know what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides and your wild fire lies and your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don't already see them
I'll walk with my head down trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

I'll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now 'cause you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

And I can see you years from now in a bar, talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion but nobody's listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't [conceive]

But all you are is mean
All you are is mean and a liar and pathetic and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean

But someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean, yeah
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

Someday, I'll be, living in a big old city
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?



Silver lining: This cycle was exactly a perfect 28 days long with only a week of pre menstrual spotting! And AF hasn't been the biatch that she was the past two months! So all in all, I really can't complain...

Our Idiot Surprise Pregnancy

Last week I wrote a post about things that I shouldn't have to deal as an infertile. Well one of my points was about movies that contain surprise pregnancies, and last night I was sneak attacked by that exact situation.

Our Idiot Brother is a movie about a guy and his three sisters, one of whom is a bisexual and in a lesbian relationship. I feel I must preface my problem with this movie with the fact that I am a huge supporter of the LGBT community. I have grown up around and have many friends/family members who are gay. I just feel the need to point this out to assure you what I am going to say next is directed towards the insensitivity of hollywood not as an attack on the LGBT community. At any rate, the bisexual sister (played by Zoe Deschanel) cheats on her partner with a man and gets pregnant. There is a whole scene where she is breaking open the packet of first response pregnancy tests and peeing on a stick. She then holds the stick up to read the results and says, "F***!!" The following scenes include her saying things like, "What the F am I going to do" and "I've ruined my life".

I am not just pissed that the pregnancy was a surprise to me but also because of the way that pregnancies always seem to be portrayed in movies! Why is there always some kind of unwanted pregnancy that gets reconciled and accepted as a positive thing in the end? Where are the movies about IFs who finally get pregnant after four IUIs and two rounds of IVF and five years of struggling to have a baby? Oh, does that not make good entertainment? America would rather see movies about women coming to accept their unplanned pregnancies?

Furthermore, my husband and I have decided that there are two other topics necessary to every movie we've seen in the past year or so (other than these unplanned pregnancies): gay couples and marijuana use. I understand and totally appreciate hollywood is using movies as a platform for social change and I also happen to support both of these movements, however it would be nice if some other social problems could also be addressed. There has been a movie about a gay couple having children through a sperm donor recently (though I can't remember the name), but what about a straight couple dealing with infertility??? It's always a single Tina Fey or Jennifer Aniston and it's always a comedy and it always ends with a surprise pregnancy! Let's get real!

Melissa reminded us Stirrup Queens this week that:

7.3 million Americans are diagnosed with infertility.  That’s 11.8% of the child-bearing population.  Worldwide, it comes out to be about 10% of the child-bearing population.  It’s not that rare a situation.

I know that infertility is becoming a less taboo subject because of all of the women who are blogging and writing and speaking out about what they have been through, I just wish Hollywood would stand up and take notice that 10% of the adults paying to watch their movies aren't interested in this trend of surprise pregnancy story lines!!!

All I wanted was a nice night out with my husband, and bam a surprise pregnancy and a rant!
C'est La Vie...

Always Worrying About Tomorrow

A friend and I were having a conversation a few weeks ago about all of our irrational worrying and how it causes so much unnecessary stress in our lives. She is a person who stresses about everything as it happens (in the moment stresser) and I am always worrying about what may happen tomorrow or next week or next month or next year. So here I am, about 8 days away from AF (spotting away any tiny hope of a BFP), and I'm worrying about it. What can I possibly do to keep it from coming? NOTHING. Is there anything in my power that will control how horribly incapacitating my cramps are? NO. So why the heck am I worried about it? BECAUSE IT'S WHAT I DO.

I have heard about changing your thought patterns and breaking habits, and I've tried it too, but never really committed to it. So in order to continue seeking the peace that I know is possible for me, I am going to focus on changing my habits. Every time I begin to think that I CAN'T DO THIS, WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF, HOW WILL I REACT, I am going to shut it down and give it to God.

"So never worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:34

“If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry.” - Dalai Lama

Sending Out A Big F-You To Infertility

Warning: I'm ranting and getting a bit personal today, so feel free to skip the BS and go straight to the inspirational part at the bottom :)

I don't usually cuss/curse/swear too often (though it's not like I need to worry about small children hearing me since I have none) but lately I've noticed myself dropping a whole bunch of big F-YOUs! These F-YOUs are not directed towards people, but rather inanimate objects/situations. A couple of weeks ago I kicked a ladder at work and thought I had broken my foot and the words out of my mouth were F-YOU! Every time I see those damn First Response commercials where they talk about your body knowing you're pregnant before your missed period...F-YOU!!!!!! Yesterday, I burned the heck out of my arm on the oven and out came a big F-YOU!! Today, I'm going to the bathroom (TMI ALERT) and looked down at the toilet paper (as we IFs do) and saw spotting (6dpo) and all I had in me was F-YOU!

I know there is no chance of a BFP this month because my husband and I have only been intimate twice (we'll get to that in a bit) and no where near O. Maybe that is how uber-fertile people get pregnant, but not me. Anyway, my point is that I'm not even bothering to kid myself into thinking this could be some kind of infamous implantation bleeding.

So back to all of these F-YOUs...Who the heck am I talking to? Is this some kind of late onset tourettes?? I'm not a particularly angry person (though I do exhibit signs of road rage). Is it possible that I am dealing with some latent anger towards IF (duh)? The problem is that it seems I am not giving the IF the F-YOU, but my own body. It is my body's clumsiness and failure at baby baking that I'm so pissed at. I thought that I was really getting to a place where I could reconcile my mind-body problem, so this seems like quite a setback.

Here's where it gets personal...I would assume that it is very common for IFs to suffer from low self-esteem and to struggle with feeling completely comfortable in a body that has failed us. I am definitely dealing with both! There were very few times this month that I felt good about myself and even fewer that I felt even remotely sexy. I have a wonderful husband who is incredibly understanding, but I still feel bad for not wanting to be intimate. I'm actually a very sexual person, so it's very frustrating for me as well. I think what pisses me off the most about my body is okay, fine, I can't be pregnant right now, but what the heck is with the yeast infections and the spotting?!?! If I am to continue on searching for peace with IF and finding happiness and coping with being childless then I should get to live it up right?!?!?! Instead I get about one week a month that I feel comfortable being intimate with my husband, maybe two if I don't get a yeast infection. That's a pretty big F-YOU to me from my body!!!!

I'm left with these words from the Dalai Lama:
"We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace within ourselves."

So I'm going to start consciously directing my F-YOUs to IF itself and not to my body!!!