A friend and I were having a conversation a few weeks ago about all of our irrational worrying and how it causes so much unnecessary stress in our lives. She is a person who stresses about everything as it happens (in the moment stresser) and I am always worrying about what may happen tomorrow or next week or next month or next year. So here I am, about 8 days away from AF (spotting away any tiny hope of a BFP), and I'm worrying about it. What can I possibly do to keep it from coming? NOTHING. Is there anything in my power that will control how horribly incapacitating my cramps are? NO. So why the heck am I worried about it? BECAUSE IT'S WHAT I DO.
I have heard about changing your thought patterns and breaking habits, and I've tried it too, but never really committed to it. So in order to continue seeking the peace that I know is possible for me, I am going to focus on changing my habits. Every time I begin to think that I CAN'T DO THIS, WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF, HOW WILL I REACT, I am going to shut it down and give it to God.
"So never worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:34
“If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry.” - Dalai Lama
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
Sending Out A Big F-You To Infertility
Warning: I'm ranting and getting a bit personal today, so feel free to skip the BS and go straight to the inspirational part at the bottom :)
I don't usually cuss/curse/swear too often (though it's not like I need to worry about small children hearing me since I have none) but lately I've noticed myself dropping a whole bunch of big F-YOUs! These F-YOUs are not directed towards people, but rather inanimate objects/situations. A couple of weeks ago I kicked a ladder at work and thought I had broken my foot and the words out of my mouth were F-YOU! Every time I see those damn First Response commercials where they talk about your body knowing you're pregnant before your missed period...F-YOU!!!!!! Yesterday, I burned the heck out of my arm on the oven and out came a big F-YOU!! Today, I'm going to the bathroom (TMI ALERT) and looked down at the toilet paper (as we IFs do) and saw spotting (6dpo) and all I had in me was F-YOU!
I know there is no chance of a BFP this month because my husband and I have only been intimate twice (we'll get to that in a bit) and no where near O. Maybe that is how uber-fertile people get pregnant, but not me. Anyway, my point is that I'm not even bothering to kid myself into thinking this could be some kind of infamous implantation bleeding.
So back to all of these F-YOUs...Who the heck am I talking to? Is this some kind of late onset tourettes?? I'm not a particularly angry person (though I do exhibit signs of road rage). Is it possible that I am dealing with some latent anger towards IF (duh)? The problem is that it seems I am not giving the IF the F-YOU, but my own body. It is my body's clumsiness and failure at baby baking that I'm so pissed at. I thought that I was really getting to a place where I could reconcile my mind-body problem, so this seems like quite a setback.
Here's where it gets personal...I would assume that it is very common for IFs to suffer from low self-esteem and to struggle with feeling completely comfortable in a body that has failed us. I am definitely dealing with both! There were very few times this month that I felt good about myself and even fewer that I felt even remotely sexy. I have a wonderful husband who is incredibly understanding, but I still feel bad for not wanting to be intimate. I'm actually a very sexual person, so it's very frustrating for me as well. I think what pisses me off the most about my body is okay, fine, I can't be pregnant right now, but what the heck is with the yeast infections and the spotting?!?! If I am to continue on searching for peace with IF and finding happiness and coping with being childless then I should get to live it up right?!?!?! Instead I get about one week a month that I feel comfortable being intimate with my husband, maybe two if I don't get a yeast infection. That's a pretty big F-YOU to me from my body!!!!
I'm left with these words from the Dalai Lama:
"We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace within ourselves."
So I'm going to start consciously directing my F-YOUs to IF itself and not to my body!!!
I don't usually cuss/curse/swear too often (though it's not like I need to worry about small children hearing me since I have none) but lately I've noticed myself dropping a whole bunch of big F-YOUs! These F-YOUs are not directed towards people, but rather inanimate objects/situations. A couple of weeks ago I kicked a ladder at work and thought I had broken my foot and the words out of my mouth were F-YOU! Every time I see those damn First Response commercials where they talk about your body knowing you're pregnant before your missed period...F-YOU!!!!!! Yesterday, I burned the heck out of my arm on the oven and out came a big F-YOU!! Today, I'm going to the bathroom (TMI ALERT) and looked down at the toilet paper (as we IFs do) and saw spotting (6dpo) and all I had in me was F-YOU!
I know there is no chance of a BFP this month because my husband and I have only been intimate twice (we'll get to that in a bit) and no where near O. Maybe that is how uber-fertile people get pregnant, but not me. Anyway, my point is that I'm not even bothering to kid myself into thinking this could be some kind of infamous implantation bleeding.
So back to all of these F-YOUs...Who the heck am I talking to? Is this some kind of late onset tourettes?? I'm not a particularly angry person (though I do exhibit signs of road rage). Is it possible that I am dealing with some latent anger towards IF (duh)? The problem is that it seems I am not giving the IF the F-YOU, but my own body. It is my body's clumsiness and failure at baby baking that I'm so pissed at. I thought that I was really getting to a place where I could reconcile my mind-body problem, so this seems like quite a setback.
Here's where it gets personal...I would assume that it is very common for IFs to suffer from low self-esteem and to struggle with feeling completely comfortable in a body that has failed us. I am definitely dealing with both! There were very few times this month that I felt good about myself and even fewer that I felt even remotely sexy. I have a wonderful husband who is incredibly understanding, but I still feel bad for not wanting to be intimate. I'm actually a very sexual person, so it's very frustrating for me as well. I think what pisses me off the most about my body is okay, fine, I can't be pregnant right now, but what the heck is with the yeast infections and the spotting?!?! If I am to continue on searching for peace with IF and finding happiness and coping with being childless then I should get to live it up right?!?!?! Instead I get about one week a month that I feel comfortable being intimate with my husband, maybe two if I don't get a yeast infection. That's a pretty big F-YOU to me from my body!!!!
I'm left with these words from the Dalai Lama:
"We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace within ourselves."
So I'm going to start consciously directing my F-YOUs to IF itself and not to my body!!!
Friday, August 26, 2011
9 Things I Shouldn't Have To Deal With As An Infertile
It seems unfair that while going through my daily life not only do I have to deal with normal day-to-day crappy things that everyone must endure but I must simultaneously (and might I add incessantly) deal with the fact that I am infertile, childless, damaged, etc. So I have decided to make a list of things that I feel I should not have to deal with as an infertile. Enjoy.
1. Cramps. Cramps only add insult to injury when every month my period is a reminder that I am not pregnant (again!!). I can deal with the tampons/pads etc., what I cannot deal with is the fact that I have to be in undeniable pain for at least the first 24 hours of said period. At this point in my infertility story, I understand that month after month, AF will undoubtedly rear her ugly head and I will be disappointed, but the cramps are just a slap in the face!
2. Work. I manage a clothing store where our target customer is age 18-25, which also happens to be the prime age for baby making (except in my case of course). So on a daily basis, I get to help pregnant teens and newlyweds find clothes to fit over their new baby bumps. The excessive number of pregnant teens I see in my store every day convinces me that this world makes no damn sense. Then there are the women complaining about how they’re fat and sick and their feet are swollen because of their pregnancy (it's so tough and they're so tired). And all the while I have to sit there and help them find things to make them feel better about their awful circumstance. (Now you probably understand why I’m working on a career change). Therefore I think I should be able to collect some kind of unemployment/disability pay on the grounds of infertility.
3. The flu/any common cold. Every time I have a sniffle or a bout of nausea after ovulation I assume (pray) that it is an early pregnancy symptom. I obsess over every sore throat, every stomach rumble, every headache until the moment when AF comes. It is simply unfair to have to be tricked by my own body into believing some kind of miracle has occurred and I am suddenly pregnant. Not to mention the fact that using a sick day from work because of a cold makes me want to scream when I would much rather use a sick day when I’m having a nervous breakdown over infertility.
4. Jury duty. Any mother who is suspected of harming her child, being neglectful, being selfish, child endangerment…they’re all guilty in my mind. (I should add that I believe any parent who has committed a crime has endangered the welfare of their child). Do they ask as a part of weeding out possible jurors whether or not you’re hopped up on infertility meds and a crazy, emotional biotch?? Enough said.
5. In-laws. Some IFs out there may have amazing, supportive, loving in-laws...so happy for you!!! My in-laws, unfortunately, are the epitomy of unsupportive, negative, hateful, ignorant (getting the picture?). It has been made quite clear to me that my husband and I will never get the kind of love from them that we deserve, and yet we still find ourselves hurt by them when they’re unsupportive. My MIL loves to kick me while I’m down, and because I’m already at my worst, I am unable to respond in a rational manner. So it is just best that I not have to deal with my in-laws while I continue to be infertile. And if that is forever, so be it ;)
6. Speeding tickets. Police officers, I assume, are not trained to deal with infertile women who are overly emotional due to IF meds or right after a BFN. I can’t promise that when being pulled over I will not burst out into tears and, when the officer is less than sympathetic, end up being arrested for assault. What if I am speeding because I am on the way to an IUI with a vial of my husband’s best sperm in my bra?? We just can’t have that.
7. Waiting in the same waiting room with all the pregnant women at the OB. THERE SHOULD BE A SEPARATE WAITING ROOM FOR INFERTILES!!!!! Why should I have to sit there while they muse over their sonogram photos of their “little peanut” with their entire family??? Is it not enough that I’m having to get a sonogram (which for an infertile consists of a wand up your hooha) with only pictures of my creepy looking ovaries and zero baby, but now I have to sit here and listen to how excited your are about your pregnancy? Are you f-ing kidding me????? It’s not their fault, and when it is finally my turn I will be right there just as (if not more) excited to see my little nugget, but hello doctors, a little sensitivity please!! The time I had to wait in the waiting room for my second IUI with a girl that I went to high school with (who had been married for a month) and was pregnant was unbearable.
8. Movies who’s storylines include a surprise pregnancy. A LITTLE BIT OF WARNING WOULD BE NICE! I go to the movies to forget about my problems, have a laugh, and enjoy myself. Then BAM a surprise pregnancy! They’re always so surprised and upset, “what am I going to do??” Even the movies recently that include ART are not about infertiles per say but about women who have no found the right mate and choose insemination. It’s not enough that every time I turn around another celebrity is pregnant, but they’re playing pregnant women in the movies as well! Someone posted on another website, “Didn’t you know? Celebs have better boobs and better eggs. Just a fact.”
9. Wrinkles. I understand wrinkles come from stressing over your children, so no children, no wrinkles right?? It seems to me that it would only fair if I never have children that I should get to look young forever. Then when women look at me with that pity in their eyes saying, "Oh, that's Kendra, she's barren, poor thing" it will be followed by the exclamation, "she sure does look good though!!!!" Plus it is unfair to have to spend so much money on "elective" IF procedures and still end up having to pay some doctor for botox or, God forbid, a face lift.
9. Wrinkles. I understand wrinkles come from stressing over your children, so no children, no wrinkles right?? It seems to me that it would only fair if I never have children that I should get to look young forever. Then when women look at me with that pity in their eyes saying, "Oh, that's Kendra, she's barren, poor thing" it will be followed by the exclamation, "she sure does look good though!!!!" Plus it is unfair to have to spend so much money on "elective" IF procedures and still end up having to pay some doctor for botox or, God forbid, a face lift.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
My Infertility Story All Wrapped Up In A Bow...
I just went through and added a timeline to my blog. So there it is, My Infertility Story all wrapped up with a neat little bow. I think it is helpful to break down what I've tried/been through for other IFs who visit my blog. Not only a way to catch up quickly, but also to show what has (or up to this point, hasn't) worked for me. I'm not sure why, but writing my story in that way feels like I'm diluting what I've been through over the past three years. 29 months of BFNs. 29 months of feeling like a failure. 29 months of getting my hopes up and then being crushed. Yes, some months have been easier than others. But the months that are really bad, wow. I can still feel that pain from last year when our first IUI didn't work like it was yesterday. All of those negative pregnancy tests and just sitting there in the bathroom crying and praying for another little pink line to appear. Oh those two illusive pink lines. How I have yearned for them.
My last post was about using this blog to compartmentalize IF in an attempt keep it from interfering with all of the happy parts of my life. But maybe, just maybe IF has affected more of me than I can even understand at this point. Maybe IF has touched every part of me and really changed who I am.
I am trying to carve out a space in my life where I can find happiness no matter what is going on around me that I can't control. A place where whether I continue my life childless or not, I can still find a way to be happy. I don't know exactly what that looks like yet, but I think it starts with looking at the battle scars I've acquired and deciding that they have brought me to this point, they have made me this person, and she's no so bad! Women are basically programmed by our society to be insecure. Maybe going through these failures and heartbreaks will make me unbreakable. Maybe I will come out of this as some kind of self-aware, secure, compassionate Superwoman!?!?!
Well, here's hoping there is more out there for me than a bunch of negative pregnancy tests and bathroom tears!
My last post was about using this blog to compartmentalize IF in an attempt keep it from interfering with all of the happy parts of my life. But maybe, just maybe IF has affected more of me than I can even understand at this point. Maybe IF has touched every part of me and really changed who I am.
I am trying to carve out a space in my life where I can find happiness no matter what is going on around me that I can't control. A place where whether I continue my life childless or not, I can still find a way to be happy. I don't know exactly what that looks like yet, but I think it starts with looking at the battle scars I've acquired and deciding that they have brought me to this point, they have made me this person, and she's no so bad! Women are basically programmed by our society to be insecure. Maybe going through these failures and heartbreaks will make me unbreakable. Maybe I will come out of this as some kind of self-aware, secure, compassionate Superwoman!?!?!
Well, here's hoping there is more out there for me than a bunch of negative pregnancy tests and bathroom tears!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Knock on Wood
Well as soon as I asked the question "Will it last?" I was given the abrupt answer of, "NO!" It is as if the decision of taking time off from infertility treatment was made and then my mind quickly dismissed it. I'm not saying that I'm going to call the RE tomorrow, I'm still firm in my decision (what can I say, maybe I'm stubborn), but I'm still combing the internet for diagnosis and treatment options. There is no way that I'm ever going to accept that I could be childless forever. Not gonna' happen. However, giving this problem to God is much easier said than done. I read about all of these women who have tried and tried for a baby and finally get pregnant. Yes it is a miracle, but more often than not it is the result of fertility treatments. I just feel so jaded by the medical community right now. I feel like I wasn't taken seriously in the beginning because of my age (I was just 23 when this all began) and now I just don't trust that their treatment suggestions are productive.
I'm not saying I'm keen on the idea of taking a couple of years off to "see what happens" but I feel like it is honestly the healthiest thing for me to do. I think that is the rational part of me that is having the biggest problem with all of this. I am beginning hair school in September to follow my dreams and head to a new career. Unfortunately, my insurance at my current job is amazing and has paid for so much of this treatment and I will have to switch to my husband's crappy insurance once I leave my job (approx 18mos from now). I just don't want to make a decision based on finances. But I am seriously stressed about the decision I have made. Will I decide two years from now that I want to do the same crap (Femera, IUI, lap surgery, etc.) and have to pay an arm and a leg for it when I could do it now and let my insurance pay? It may sound as if I am wavering in my decision and I assure you I am not. This blog is for me to vent my frustrations and get some of my crazy thoughts off my chest so that I can be at peace. This is what is going on in my mind right now. I saw this old post on another blog and thought it was so beautifully said that I just had to copy it:
In my first post, I talk about how this blog is a way to compartmentalize my infertility. Instead of allowing it to seep into every relationship, every thought, and every thing like I did the first time around -- I wanted to get it all out here and leave the joyful areas of my life alone.
I'm not saying I'm keen on the idea of taking a couple of years off to "see what happens" but I feel like it is honestly the healthiest thing for me to do. I think that is the rational part of me that is having the biggest problem with all of this. I am beginning hair school in September to follow my dreams and head to a new career. Unfortunately, my insurance at my current job is amazing and has paid for so much of this treatment and I will have to switch to my husband's crappy insurance once I leave my job (approx 18mos from now). I just don't want to make a decision based on finances. But I am seriously stressed about the decision I have made. Will I decide two years from now that I want to do the same crap (Femera, IUI, lap surgery, etc.) and have to pay an arm and a leg for it when I could do it now and let my insurance pay? It may sound as if I am wavering in my decision and I assure you I am not. This blog is for me to vent my frustrations and get some of my crazy thoughts off my chest so that I can be at peace. This is what is going on in my mind right now. I saw this old post on another blog and thought it was so beautifully said that I just had to copy it:
In my first post, I talk about how this blog is a way to compartmentalize my infertility. Instead of allowing it to seep into every relationship, every thought, and every thing like I did the first time around -- I wanted to get it all out here and leave the joyful areas of my life alone.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Infertile?
I was just thinking about the label "Infertile". The "Medical Community" says that if you have been having unprotected sex for one year and have not conceived, you are "Infertile". So therefore, I am "Infertile"! Here's my problem...what is the cause of my infertility??? Okay, I know that there are all kinds of statistics about "unexplained infertility"...bla bla bla. I just want to know why/how I have spent thousands of dollars and 2.5 years being "Infertile" and no one can tell me for sure why? It is absolutely infuriating! These doctors have been so quick to prescribe treatments for the infertility, but could somebody please try to figure out what the cause of the infertility is and treat that!!!
So this brings me to the conclusion that it no longer makes sense for me to give doctors my hard earned money when they have given me NOTHING in return!!! I know I haven't had the FULL work-up, so I can't completely blame the doctors, but I guess there's something about a $2000 hysterosalpingogram that my insurance doesn't cover or "exploratory surgery" to see if I have endo that makes my stomach crawl a bit! I realize that this all makes me sound as if I'm trying to buy a baby and that is not the case (although the thought has crossed my mind), but thinking about it, if I was to give Louis Vuitton thousands of dollars, I would expect a pretty fabulous handbag in return! These doctors have given me NOTHING! Not a diagnosis, not a reasonable treatment plan (because there has been no diagnosis), and certainly not a baby! Therefore, no more money for you doctors!! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
So this brings me to the conclusion that it no longer makes sense for me to give doctors my hard earned money when they have given me NOTHING in return!!! I know I haven't had the FULL work-up, so I can't completely blame the doctors, but I guess there's something about a $2000 hysterosalpingogram that my insurance doesn't cover or "exploratory surgery" to see if I have endo that makes my stomach crawl a bit! I realize that this all makes me sound as if I'm trying to buy a baby and that is not the case (although the thought has crossed my mind), but thinking about it, if I was to give Louis Vuitton thousands of dollars, I would expect a pretty fabulous handbag in return! These doctors have given me NOTHING! Not a diagnosis, not a reasonable treatment plan (because there has been no diagnosis), and certainly not a baby! Therefore, no more money for you doctors!! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Will It Last?
I don't know if anyone is even reading this blog, but my intent in creating it was not only to help others, but to help myself. This blog not only provides a space for catharsis of emotions that this process has produced but also a space for creativity. I am innately a very stressed out, neurotic, obsessive, controlling personality. I am constantly overthinking every second of my life. This blog has given me a space to voice these emotions/fears/stresses without worry. I can send thoughts out into the world so that they no longer torment me.
That said, I feel as though I have found a space of peace in my life, mind, soul and body...but how long will it last? I'm always looking at tomorrow and wondering what it will bring, and this is no different. Even when I'm happy and everything is wonderful, I'm waiting for the bottom to fall out. I wish I wasn't this way. I don't think we can change who we are, but I do believe we can change how we think! So I pledge to myself that I will continue on a road of peace and strength. When I begin to doubt myself and my decisions, I will remind myself that God has a plan for me and He can make overnight changes! I can't look to the world (ie. doctors, shopping, vacations, things...) for peace, I have to find it in God, in myself.
That said, I feel as though I have found a space of peace in my life, mind, soul and body...but how long will it last? I'm always looking at tomorrow and wondering what it will bring, and this is no different. Even when I'm happy and everything is wonderful, I'm waiting for the bottom to fall out. I wish I wasn't this way. I don't think we can change who we are, but I do believe we can change how we think! So I pledge to myself that I will continue on a road of peace and strength. When I begin to doubt myself and my decisions, I will remind myself that God has a plan for me and He can make overnight changes! I can't look to the world (ie. doctors, shopping, vacations, things...) for peace, I have to find it in God, in myself.
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