Knock on Wood

Well as soon as I asked the question "Will it last?" I was given the abrupt answer of, "NO!" It is as if the decision of taking time off from infertility treatment was made and then my mind quickly dismissed it. I'm not saying that I'm going to call the RE tomorrow, I'm still firm in my decision (what can I say, maybe I'm stubborn), but I'm still combing the internet for diagnosis and treatment options. There is no way that I'm ever going to accept that I could be childless forever. Not gonna' happen. However, giving this problem to God is much easier said than done. I read about all of these women who have tried and tried for a baby and finally get pregnant. Yes it is a miracle, but more often than not it is the result of fertility treatments. I just feel so jaded by the medical community right now. I feel like I wasn't taken seriously in the beginning because of my age (I was just 23 when this all began) and now I just don't trust that their treatment suggestions are productive.

I'm not saying I'm keen on the idea of taking a couple of years off to "see what happens" but I feel like it is honestly the healthiest thing for me to do. I think that is the rational part of me that is having the biggest problem with all of this. I am beginning hair school in September to follow my dreams and head to a new career. Unfortunately, my insurance at my current job is amazing and has paid for so much of this treatment and I will have to switch to my husband's crappy insurance once I leave my job (approx 18mos from now). I just don't want to make a decision based on finances. But I am seriously stressed about the decision I have made. Will I decide two years from now that I want to do the same crap (Femera, IUI, lap surgery, etc.) and have to pay an arm and a leg for it when I could do it now and let my insurance pay? It may sound as if I am wavering in my decision and I assure you I am not. This blog is for me to vent my frustrations and get some of my crazy thoughts off my chest so that I can be at peace. This is what is going on in my mind right now. I saw this old post on another blog and thought it was so beautifully said that I just had to copy it:

In my first post, I talk about how this blog is a way to compartmentalize my infertility. Instead of allowing it to seep into every relationship, every thought, and every thing like I did the first time around -- I wanted to get it all out here and leave the joyful areas of my life alone.