Monday, October 29, 2012

Half Way There!

I really can't believe I'm 5 months pregnant! I know I keep saying it, but I still feel like someone is going to pinch me and I will wake up! My belly has officially popped and it is the strangest thing to look in the mirror and realize something that I've been dreaming about for so long is actually happening. The puking has finally subsided, though I'm still taking Zantac for acid reflux.

The baby is super wiggly and it's so awesome when my husband gets to put his hand on my belly and feel him move!! We are focused heavily on determining a "for sure" name, which is proving to be very difficult. I think we're going to register for our baby shower tomorrow, so I hope to be less overwhelmed this trip than I was the first time we went to Buy Buy Baby (all of those stroller options really stressed me out!!)

I have to say, I'm really excited, but every moment of this is so weird. Maybe it's because it doesn't all look like I thought it would. This isn't what I pictured my life to look like when I was pregnant. But I think it never really is what we imagine it to be. And I think it's actually going to end up being better!!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Quite a Week

It has been quite a week for us. We went for our first ultrasound (at 19 weeks) on Tuesday and...IT'S A BOY!!! It's so crazy to think that there is a little baby boy growing in my belly. My in-laws are throwing us a reveal party on Saturday, so until then, we aren't telling anyone our little secret. We're going to do a balloon release, I will post pictures soon.

They also saw from the ultrasound that my placenta is really close to my cervix, which I've never heard of before but apparently can be just fine. The concern is that if everything doesn't move up (right now the baby is still really low) by the time the baby is born, the placenta could deliver first, so I would have to have a C-section. So the doctor said no sex for at least the next four weeks. It was funny because the nurse laughed when she said it (because my husband always gives her such a hard time) so he couldn't tell if she was being serious or not. She was. Lol.

The most exciting part may very well be that I felt the baby move for the first time this week!! I think I've felt it before, but wasn't sure because of all of the stomach issues I've been having. But this time was for sure! It felt like little bubbles popping in my abdomen. So strange and surreal. I had my husband put his hand on my tummy later that day so he could try to feel it too! He's started talking to the baby and paying lots of attention to my belly now. It's all very real now!

So then for the not so good news, my husband lost his job today. His job is the reason we moved. The reason we left our house (which still hasn't sold) and my entire family to start a new life. It is really hard to understand why this has happened, but I trust that there is purpose in it. I feel like God used that job to get us down here and He has plans for us here. It's funny because my husband and I had just been talking about taking leaps of faith and living the kind of life that has purpose. Maybe the leap of faith was moving and now God is going to take us to the next step. Of course the thought has crossed my mind that we could just go back. I had built a great clientele where we lived before and we still have a house and family there. But now that I'm pregnant and have a good job and insurance here, I don't think it would make sense to leave. I really believe that everything happens for a reason and even though it's hard, it makes the most sense for us to stay. I'm excited for the potential for my husband to find a job he really loves...but I hope it happens fast!

So for now, I'm getting ready for the big reveal and staying hopeful for the future. I know that I should not be discouraged because of sufferings which will be our glory, and I know that God can deliver us from hardship. But even if this road is long and difficult, I will still follow Him. We've been in tough places before and He's always seen us though. This just adds to the long testimony that is my life and always choosing faith and hope over negativity.

I've been really sick this week (I'll tell you about all that later) and I'm definitely feeling like pregnancy is taking its toll on my body, so I'm going to try to take some time for myself to do some yoga and really relax my body so it can do what it knows how to do.

Never a dull moment!!! xoxo

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Still Feeling Like an IF

Every day I go to sleep and wake up thinking, "Who's life is this?" Who's apartment? Who's baby? Because I can't understand how I got here and it's so unbelievable. I think it's really hard to go from feeling so disconnected from your body for so long to a blissful pregnant woman. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled with the miracle growing in me and I thank God every moment of the day that He created it. It's just all very surreal.

Part of it may be that I'm still so sick. Everyone tells me that after the first trimester I will start feeling better...I'm at 16 weeks! I'm not really complaining about being sick, because it's mostly just annoying to puke all day long. It just, again, makes me feel like an infertile playing the part of a pregnant woman and my body, again, isn't cooperating! It makes me feel like my body is saying, "See! I told you pregnancy wasn't my thing, but did you listen, noooooo!" and on top of that I already feel like I'm screwing things up as a mom because I'm not getting the nutrition I need and doing all of the perfect things I'm supposed to be doing while pregnant. Instead, I'm eating whatever I can keep down, not drinking enough water, and taking chewable prenatals because I puked every time I opened the regular ones. I just wanted this for so long, I want to do everything right!

At our 15 week OB appt, the doctor said she thinks it's acid reflux that is causing all of the puking, so she told me to take 150mg of Zantac twice a day along with a prescription anti nausea medication every 8 hrs (ondansetron 8mg) to see if that helps things. It's hard for me because I don't take medicine for anything short of infection, but I trust her and she seems to really understand, so I'm giving it a shot!

My mom asks me every day if I've felt the baby move yet...nope, not really sure, could be gas?!? Clearly, I've never done this before so I have no idea what is normal and what isn't! To be perfectly honest, every time we go to the Dr., I half expect for her to tell us it's not a baby but a tumor and this was all a big joke! But we're still here. 16 weeks. A real miracle!

I'll keep you updated on this IF's adventures in fertile land! I'll be praying that you all join me very soon!!!!


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Our 11 Week Dr Visit (revisited)

I totally forgot to tell you guys about our 11 week OB visit!! It was a total nightmare!

First, I puked in the car on the way there. Then the nurse (not my regular nurse, but some hot mess) gets the doppler out and can't find a heartbeat. She says that doppler gives her trouble and tries another. Still no heartbeat. At this point I'm just praying over and over in my head and trying to hold back the tears. All the while the image of Jennifer Aniston in "Marley and Me" when she goes for her 11 week visit is flashing through my head. Not only was she at the same point in her pregnancy as me, but they couldn't find the hb with the doppler and move on to the sonogram to find that there is no hb and the pregnancy is not viable. The nurse leaves to get the doctor and at this point I was hysterical! My husband held my hand and I just started praying. The doctor rushes in with the sonogram machine and says "no tears no tears" and immediately finds video of my wiggly little 11 week old baby!! I cannot even explain how it felt to see that there was not only a tiny little being in me with a heartbeat and all but that its little arms and legs were flailing about!!!! Such a miracle.

Then the stupid nurse came back and had a ridiculous time taking my blood that included her dropping the blood vial on the floor, having my husband pick it up, it not working, blaming my husband, having him hold the needle in my arm while she left to get a new vial, and leaving a huge knot in my arm. And I puked in the car some more...

But I didn't really care, because all I needed was to see that little baby!

I guess many women have had a similar experience, but part of me just chalks it up to being an infertile masquerading as a pregnant woman!!

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Almost 15 Weeks!

Life has been completely crazy in the past 5 weeks! I got a new job, moved to a new city (leaving my unsold house behind) and am currently living in a one bedroom apartment with my husband and three dogs. Who knew?? I look at the girl I was a year ago and can't really even wrap my brain around how I got here. But I have to say, I'm really happy. About 90% of the day, I'm happy. I'm so glad I get to be with my husband again. I like my new job (I have insurance and paid maternity leave...praise God!). And I'm still pregnant!

I've still been sick. Every day. Everyone says it will get better after the first trimester, but I'm here to tell you that that may not always be the case. It's so worth it though (obviously). And I'm glad I'm no longer sick and alone and can torture my husband so he understands what I'm going through! Hehe. What's funny is that he has made two purchases at the Motherhood Maternity store now and I have made zero! One was for preggy pops (they don't work) and the other was today for a belly band. My pants are just a bit too snug at this point to where they're uncomfortable to button. Anyway, today when he checked out he got a little pacifier as a gift with purchase...and let me tell you that we have not bought one singe baby item at this point. We really haven't even looked at any baby things. Not because we're superstitious or we had doubts, but because of our current living situation. We're hoping our house will sell soon and we can get into a new house before the baby is born. Ah, well if I've learned anything in my life that God's plan will come to fruition no matter how much I worry about it, so I just pray and trust that He's got it covered. The point of this story is to say that apparently when my husband saw our little gwp, he teared up a little. I think that now that I'm here with him, it's all becoming really real...

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I Don't Know Much

I don't know much about being pregnant (I've never done it before), but I'll let you in on the things I've learned in the first 10 weeks:

1. The mommy guilt begins early! I'm already dealing with feelings of guilt because I'm not eating the most perfectly healthy things for my baby. Hey, I've been sick! I have the best of intentions, but I have to eat whatever I can stand to swallow. I'm not going to punish myself for not following a perfect diet. My baby will get the nutrients it needs and once I start feeling better, I will start eating better.

2. It's okay to complain (a little). I feel like because I've wanted a baby for so long, I really shouldn't complain about how tired and sick I am. I remember hearing pregnant women complain and thinking, "Duh! Of course you don't feel great, you're growing a human!" and now that I'm growing a human of my own, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna complain a bit. And I'm going to let myself, because I'm not going to punish myself anymore. Not for being an infertile turned fertile, not for being lucky and blessed to have an amazing husband and be pregnant, not for anything! I'm going to enjoy every second that I can of this pregnancy and if I don't feel well I'm going to take the sympathy as it comes (even if it's only from my hubby!). Because let me tell you, I am really sick and tired! LOL

3. The world isn't going to stop for nine months because I'm suddenly pregnant. I'm not gonna lie, I thought there should be a parade (or balloons at least) when we announced our pregnancy! Much to my dismay, it just wasn't so. Yes, everyone was really excited and supportive for a couple of weeks, but now it's pretty much calmed down. And to top things off, my sister just announced she is engaged and getting married New Years Eve in Vegas (obviously I won't be going because I'll be 7mos pregnant by then). Yeah, when the first born announces her engagement, it kinda trumps your piddly old pregnancy...thanks for stealing my thunder sis!

4. Paranoia! I don't know if it's the fact that I'm living alone for the first time in my life right now or all of those episodes of 48hrs and Law & Order coming back to haunt me, but I'm seriously paranoid! I'm afraid of all of the things that could happen to me and the statistics about pregnant women being harmed. But it's not just that, until the past couple of days, every time I felt a twinge in my tummy, I would run to the bathroom expecting to see blood. I think it's just the infertile in me, still in disbelief that this is happening.

5. A few tips for the sickness: ginger, fire jolly ranchers, hot water with lemon and a spoonful of apple cider vinegar (for acid reflux).

6. I'm already getting a tiny lil pooch! I was admittedly very thin before I got pregnant, so the tiny baby (about the size of a lime) in my tummy is already showing! Not to anyone else, but just to me! And I absolutely love it! Though my clothes do not :) I promise if I start taking bump pics I will post them on a separate page so you can look if you want to and not if you don't! My husband doesn't want to photograph it yet because he thinks it's too small and people will just think I already had this pooch!! Haha.

7. Although none of the above sounds very glamorous, I WAKE UP EVERY DAY FEELING SO HAPPY AND SO LUCKY THAT I HAVE A GROWING BABY IN MY BODY! I know that my infertility story has not been nearly as difficult as a lot of you out there. I thank God that I've never miscarried like many of you have had to go through. Many of you went through many more IUIs than I did and even several rounds of IVF. I know how lucky I am. And I don't forget it. Every second of every day I'm thanking God and praying that this baby will be healthy, happy, and love God.

And I'm praying for all of you out there who are still fighting the good fight! I know what you're feeling and how difficult it is to be strong in the face of infertility, but I know that you are stronger than you know, and I pray that God will wrap you in His arms and be your strength when you have none left. xoxo

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Coming Out

I feel like today was my coming out party! I had told my close friends and family that we're pregnant, but I hadn't announced it to the world (or Facebook :P). The people that are really close to me know what my husband and I went through with IF, but the acquaintances did not. And no one knows about this blog. I really wanted to make my Facebook post meaningful and expressive of what we've been through because I don't know who else is going through it. I remember every time one of my FB friends got pregnant I would immediately hide them! Not because I was not happy for them but because I knew what was to baby is the size of an orange! We're having a boy/girl! Today I puked! etc. 

This is what I wrote: 4 years ago my husband and I decided we wanted to start a family. A year and a half later we turned to acupuncture, herbs and clean living. When all else failed, we sought infertility treatment. After over a year of treatment for unexplained infertility and 2 failed IUIs, we decided to forgo further treatment and to instead give it to God and trust that He would fill the desire in our hearts to be parents. A year later, God has created an overnight miracle in our lives and we’re going to have a baby! Thank you so much for all of the love and prayers you have all sent our way! Words cannot express the joy that we’re feeling right now!

It has been a really emotional day and all of the kind words and well wishes that people are pouring out mean so much to me. It's like God is just wrapping me in His arms and telling me it's my time and now I can just breathe!

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Almost 8 Weeks!

Two days ago we got to experience something that I hadn't thought possible for a long time. We got to see our baby's heartbeat!!! And hear it too! I seriously think part of me was waiting for the doctor to look around in there and say it was all a fluke and there was no baby...but there was! The second I saw that little flicker of a heartbeat, I knew this was real. This is really happening!

Part of me doubted I would ever get to experience pregnancy, and now here I am, almost 8 weeks! I ate a banana today and (for the first time) immediately puked it back up! Best puke ever!!!! Lol.

I'm now the girl that if you come across my blog for the first time you're inspired and annoyed at the same time because you can look at all that I've been through with infertility and see that for me there was an endpoint, but also because I'm that annoying biatch that stopped trying and got pregnant. So you're welcome and I'm sorry all at once. I love you girls so much and could have never gotten here without your kind words, support and being able to relate to your journeys, so thank you!

And just a little tid bit, but my new OB is an IF too. Married for ten years and a couple of failed IVF cycles, so keep her in your prayers too! We all think it's bad being IF in a world of Fertile Mertles, I can't imagine how she must feel every day!!!

Sunday, July 22, 2012

How Did This Happen Anyway?

I've been off birth control for a little over 3 years. I did about a year of natural/holistic ttc and 9 mos of IF treatment (over a period of a year). I consider myself infertile. And yet, I'm pregnant! I've done nothing different. NOTHING! I haven't visualized this happening and believed it into existence. In fact, for about a year now I hadn't believed that I would ever get pregnant myself (especially not naturally) and had assumed that our road would be filled with more treatments and possible adoption. I had almost accepted that I was happy without children and maybe I would never be a mother. I never thought I would get to see those two pink lines. NEVER! I am really a little pissed that I'm now a part of the annoying statistic that "when you stop trying you'll get pregnant" so I wanted to write this post for you women that are still out there ttc.

I do not believe for one moment that it was because we stopped trying that we got pregnant! I think that had we made another decision and continued with treatment we would have gotten pregnant that way too. I think it is more about timing. We each have to do what we feel comfortable with. I do think our decisions on treatment matter, but we all know that there is an aspect of this that is out of our control. Why when all of the analyses look perfect does an IUI not work? I have no freaking clue! The only thing that I can tell myself is that it wasn't the right time.

I feel like there is nothing more painful than going through this feeling like you're doing everything you possibly can and you still aren't pregnant. Nothing! I just don't want you girls out there to think that there is some way that it is your fault that you aren't pregnant right now and I am (because I've been there and felt that). I know you women have faith. I know you trust the Lord. Pursuing treatment does not negate that! You do what is right for you!

So finally, all I can figure is that this was God's time to create a miracle in our life and that this will all be to glorify Him. Who knows, maybe it simply took 3 years for my body to recover after 6 years of birth control? I have no idea how in the heck this happened, but I'm cautiously optimistic and praising God for the miracle that is right now growing in me. And as always, I am praying that all of you strong, faithful, patient women will get to experience that same miracle in your lives very soon.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

6 Week Update

We are at 6 weeks now and doing okay. Still spotting, but only brown, and my doctor said that as long as I'm not soaking through a pad or anything it's okay. I've been trying to stay off my feet as much as possible just to be safe. My HCG levels on Saturday were 3600 and on Monday 6100 so that's good. It is starting to sink in a little bit that this may actually be happening!

Our first official doctor appt will be next Friday in the city to which we are moving (that's a whole other story), and I can't wait to see that lil heartbeat.

I think I'm still shocked. It is beginning to sink in little by little every day, but it is still so unbelievable. God has really created a miracle!

Thank you for all of your prayers and words of encouragement (they mean so much to me). I will keep you updated.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Spent the Day In the ER...

Yesterday I was having some brown spotting which kinda freaked me out, but I looked it up online and everyone said it was okay unless it was red and cramping. This morning I was at school and went to the bathroom and there was red in the toilet. I freaked out, got my instructor and my friend and told them (sobbing) what was going on. My friend called her mom who is a nurse and she said I needed to call my mom and go to the ER. I hadn't told my mom yet because I wanted to tell the whole family at once. So I called her. My friend took me to the ER and my mom met us there. I got some blood work done and a regular and pelvic sonogram. By this time there was no bleeding. They said there was a gestational sac implanted but it was too soon to see a heartbeat if there was one. So they got a base HCG level and I have to get more blood work Monday to make sure it is progressing normally.

I'm totally freaked out. Every twinge in my stomach, every spot, everything! I'm freaked out bc I don't know if there is even life in there. My mom said she bled with me and everything was fine.

I also found out that I am RH- so I got a shot for that.

I have like 40 hrs of school left and was supposed to finish on Friday, but idk what I'm going to do because I have to be on bed rest. I already spoke with my boss and told her I can't work tomorrow. The doctor said I need to just take it easy and relax. I'm still having brown spotting and maybe a tiny bit of cramping.

My mom went and got me groceries and I'm trying to relax and take care of myself, but I'm scared. And my husband isn't here. That's what made everything extra difficult today. I just hate that he isn't here for me to lean on. And the fact that our lives are so crazy right now and I may have a picky lil baby growing in me is concerning. You hear about these women who are pregnant and just do it all so I assumed that I would be fine. Maybe along with everything else in my life it just isn't going to be that easy!

Please pray that there is a healthy growing baby inside me and that this too shall pass and everything will be perfect!!!! Hopefully I will know more this week and I will update you all.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Day 2 and Still Shocked

I still cannot believe that I woke up yesterday morning like every other time I've taken a pregnancy test and it was positive! I took the OPK first and it was super positive (5:22 am). So I got back in bed and thought to myself that my body was probably freaking out and I was just ovulating. I told myself "How many times has your body freaked out and ovulated at a weird time? And how many times have you actually been pregnant? You aren't pregnant!" I laid in bed for an hour. Then I got up and took two old pregnancy tests that I had (one expired last month and the other was a bit older). They were instantly positive! Instantly! When I dipped the first one in the cup it was just like every other time and I have to say I could not believe my eyes when it turned positive! I thought I was dreaming!

Since my husband is living 6 hours away, I called him immediately! He didn't answer. So I called again and he answered half asleep. I think he thought he was dreaming. He kept saying he was waiting for his alarm to go off and to wake up. I was sobbing uncontrollably! As soon as he realized he wasn't dreaming, his immediate concern was that I tell no one. Between 3+ years of ttc and his sister's early miscarriage last year, I could tell he was really scared.

I had to go to school and I decided that I would tell only my school bff about the news. She cried, I cried. I have no idea how I made it through the day yesterday. It was like everything was the same except I was pregnant!

I feel like I have this huge secret that I want to scream from the rooftops but the IF part of me knows we are far from the safe zone.

I can't wait to get past the scared part and get to the excited part!!!!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Holy S@#$ BFP!!!!!!!!!!!


Monday, July 9, 2012

6 Days Late and Dreaming

Last night I woke up having a dream that I was holding tiny twin baby girls in my arms. My husband was making bottles and they just kept sucking them down left and right. I was looking at them like I look at my puppy. They were so tiny and sweet and I felt unconditional love for them. What's weird is I really don't remember ever dreaming about baby girls. I always dream about baby boys. And never twins.

I don't know why but some months just get to me more than others. Some months AF comes and goes without a thought and some months (like this one) it seems like everything makes me think of the possibility of being pregnant. I have a rule that I can't take a pregnancy test until I'm 7 days late. I just dug through my bathroom drawer stash of fertility stuff and found that I have about 10 expired pregnancy tests and a couple of unexpired ovulation tests. (Apparently those work as pregnancy tests too.)

Ugh, I hate the pull of this. I hate who it makes me. I hate the fear. It all seems very surreal. Every time.

I've stopped counting the months. We've stopped trying. I haven't given up hope though.

If only there was a rule (like in the movies) that if your period was late, that meant you're pregnant. Unfortunately my body likes to play games.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Wouldn't That Be A Kick In The Pants!

My period is 3 days late (not abnormal at all), but every month that I'm even a day late without spotting I think this could be the month! Wouldn't that just be a kick in the pants for all the people who say that I just need to calm down and not be so stressed and "it will happen"!?!?!

I've seen my husband a total of 2 times this month, I'm going to school 40+ hrs a week and working 20, I'm trying to sell my house and find a job in another city...stressed, party of 1!!!

Anyway, I'm sure that little red devil AF will show her face soon enough, but wouldn't it be great to get those two little lines and say SEEEEE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH STRESS BIATCHES! IT HAS TO DO WITH GOD'S TIMING AND NOTHING ELSE! SO SUCK IT! :)

Haha, one can dream!

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Worst Blogger Ever

I feel like I am the worst blogger ever right now!!! In my defense, I am trying to sell my house, finish school, move to a new city, find a job, and find a new house. All the while, for some reason, I am completely fixated on the idea of having a baby. Not on having a baby so much, but on the "when we will have a baby" timeframe. It seems like all of this change (and turning 26) has kicked my biological clock back on. I had been at peace for a few months about the idea that this isn't our time, so I can't help but think that once we move and get settled in it may become our time.

 I think maybe it is the house hunting that has forced me to think about the prospect of children. Not that any IF ever really shuts that completely off. But when you're buying a house you think, "Hmmm, what will we use this room for?" and all of those feelings begin to flood back. I really thought that when we bought our current home, it would be the place we would bring our baby home from the hospital to. And now, who knows. So do you buy a house with a child in mind that you are no closer to than when you purchased your last house?

 My husband traded in his truck for a car this weekend and when he was test driving a ridiculous little sports car (that he LOVED :x), all I could think was, "Where the heck would we put a baby car seat in this car??" Needless to say, I vetoed the car right away and we came to a compromise on another vehicle. So as I said, I know I am the worst blogger ever. I have tons to say, but too many things going on right now to sit down and type them. I will try to keep you guys posted on new developments, and know that I am keeping all of you in my prayers. xoxo

Sunday, May 6, 2012


I have had so many things I've wanted to blog about in the past month, with zero time to do so. So, lets catch up!

Today is officially CD1...waa waaaa waaaaaa. I've been having lots of dreams about babies (neither here nor there) and the same thought that we all have each month that "maybe this will be the month that I get pregnant". I know we have all been watching Giuliana and Bill Rancic's journey to becoming parents and crying our eyes out (gosh, I hope it isn't just me...pathetic). I was on a daily Jessica Simpson baby watch just going over and over in my head how it could be possible that she was still pregnant (I mean come on, she announced in October??), so thank goodness that is over. Can't believe Reese Witherspoon is preggers, and apparently maybe Drew Barrymore too, no? Another year, and everyone is pregnant but me. Last night I was waiting for a friend outside Starbucks and watching in horror while a visibly pregnant woman smoked a cigarette.

Anywho, what else is new? My husband found out on Wednesday that he is being promoted and we are moving to the Dallas/Ft Worth area! We put our house on the market the next day, and I'm FREAKING OUT!!!! I've lived in the same city my entire life! I know there is a bright future that lies ahead of us, but I'm too stressed to be excited right now.

So, that's where we are. I'm actually feeling kinda numb. A lot of things to deal with. Please keep us in your prayers, we're hoping for a quick sell of our home so that I don't have to stay behind for very long (my husband leaves in 16 days).

Sunday, April 15, 2012

This is only the beginning...

Okay guys, here's a little something I've been working on while on a TTC break!

I hope you all start following my new blog! After all, who doesn't need a break from talking about hormones and hcg levels to talk about hair and makeup?!?!?! xoxo

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

We Can't Go Back

My mom gave me a CD of pictures she had taken of me about three years ago before we started TTC. At the time, I wanted her to take them because I was in great shape and feeling really good about myself and I was afraid that when we got pregnant I would never look that good again, so I wanted to preserve the memory. Flash to three years later. No baby. And yet, I still look at those pictures and feel like I will never look and feel that good again.

In the past three years I have lost and gained weight. Acquired wrinkles. Had acne wreak havoc on my skin. My husband has gone almost completely bald (he went ahead and shaved what was left of it). And we have absolutely nothing to show for it. I would have gladly given my body up for a growing baby inside me, but not for failed infertility treatments and subsequent depression.

I look at those pictures and wish I could take it all back. I wish I had never decided to start TTC. I wish I had never gotten off the BCP. I wish we had just gone about our lives, happy and unaware, because now we can't go back. I will never be that carefree girl again. I see glimpses of her, but they're rare. I will never have that optimistic hopefulness for what the future holds. I look in the mirror and see all of the flaws. All of the ways my body has completely and totally failed me. And I think to myself as I creep closer to 30 how my chances of ever getting pregnant dwindle.

There are days when I can convince myself that this has been a journey of discovery that has led me to wisdom and faith that I never imagined and I should be grateful for that. Today is not one of those days.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012


Most nights I have very vivid dreams that I remember distinctly when I wake up. 

About a month ago I dreamt that I was walking through JCPenney with my mom and I suppose I was pregnant, although I didn't feel pregnant, because we were discussing baby boy names. I told her we were planning on naming our son Daniel, after my husband's uncle. She said we should name him Jackson, after my great grandfather. I said, "what about Daniel Jackson?" She said Jackson Daniel sounded better. I woke up thinking, "I'm going to name my kid Jack Daniel??" I've had a whole arsenal of baby names in my mind since we began ttc, and this was never one of them. 

Last night I dreamt that my husband and I were living in an apartment and our life was very different from how it is now. We had a son (about 4-5 years old) and a newborn daughter. The problem was that I seemed to have very little interaction with these children, especially the baby girl. I would be going along with my normal life, completely oblivious to the fact that I had children and my husband would suddenly show up and put this baby into my arms and tell me that he was going somewhere (to the store) and I had to watch her. I remember so vividly looking down at this child and wondering why I felt absolutely no connection to her what so ever. I understood subconsciously that she was not mine, but adopted. She looked nothing like me. I think she was hispanic (I have blonde hair and blue eyes). Before he handed her to me I had started running a bath. I had no idea what to do with this baby while I took a bath. The room would get too hot and steamy for her to sit there. I would have to sit her in her baby carrier by the door and leave it open. I looked down at her in my arms and she was so squirmy and unhappy looking and I felt so scared and unsure. The one thing I do remember very vividly, however, is that when my husband handed me the baby and said he was leaving, I kissed him and felt so incredibly in love with him.

Even though my conscious mind has reconciled that now is not the time, my subconscious apparently has not. 

This month marks 3 years since we started ttc. I didn't realize it it until I started writing this morning. 

Thursday, March 15, 2012

When Did It Become March?

Things are so busy right now. I am full of nervous energy and anticipation for what is to come. There is a lot of uncertainty in my life right now, from what kind of career I am about to begin, to what city will I live in, and if I will ever become a parent. I have been really focused on moving forward, and just realized I'm not sure where forward takes us.

I have a photo shoot scheduled next Sunday for my portfolio and my new blog (stay tuned) that I'm really excited about. The weather has turned absolutely beautiful. Between school full time and my part time job I only have a day off if I take a day off, which has been very few and far between for the past three months or so. I am feeling a mixture of blessed, frustrated, and anxious.

It is frustrating in spring to see so much change and big leaps forward and feel that you're moving so slowly. My husband's promotion and our eventual move got put off until further notice because of a job freeze. It hit us pretty hard. He works really hard and is very deserving, and sometimes it is frustrating to see people given so much so quickly without having earned it when I know he has. All of this brings back the same feelings of disappointment that I felt last spring with two failed IUIs under my belt.

In the midst of all that, I feel that I am in a very different place than I was last spring. I'm not sure if it is necessarily a better place, though I think it may be. I'm trying to really stay positive, but unfortunately my experience has taught me that disappointment is around every corner. So I stay cautious, but I have faith that this is the path God wants me on and there will be a great big light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe other people have short lived seasons of quick growth, but I know this slow growth is the kind that lasts.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

A Changing Heart

There is so much going on in my husband and my life right now. He is up for a promotion and we may be moving this summer. I am about to start my own business. We are not currently trying to conceive.

We haven't REALLY been ttc since last summer. Some months I still get my hopes up. Maybe it is because I've been insanely busy, or maybe it's because I've been working part time in a children's clothing store, but I'm having a lot of anxiety at the thought of having children. I don't think I can accurately put into writing all of the things that I've been working through, but I will try because there may be one other girl out there feeling the way I am and thinking she's crazy too! :)

I look at parents out shopping with their kids and think to myself how horrible it is that these moms speak to their children and husbands with such disdain. Does having kids mean you will be miserable? Hate your kids, hate your husband, hate your life, get fat and ugly, get divorced and be a single mom? I honestly do not know a single couple that has children that I actually envy. They all seem MISERABLE!

I am not saying that these couples would necessarily have been blissfully happy if they had not had children. I am not saying that I didn't whole-heartedly want a baby for the past three years. I'm not saying that I don't still get choked up over the idea of having a human growing inside of me that looks like a combination of me and my husband. What I'm saying is that I have concerns.

I've never seen myself as the woman who has kids and they become her whole life. I think my husband and I would be great parents and would create a really nice life for a child. I still plan to be myself, have my dreams, enjoy my life with my husband, etc. So will it really be that horrible if we never have children? We are a really happy couple. We've been together for nine years, married for almost six and we're still madly in love.

I guess what I'm saying is that if it is a choice, I would choose happiness and love with my husband over a child I've never met.

This all leads me to wonder if I even belong here anymore (in this world of IF). I appreciate that this is a space where I can think things through. I hope that my thoughts have resonated in others and helped in their journey. But I don't know if IF is something I want to dwell on anymore. I'm not actively trying to have a child like most IF bloggers are, so I don't necessarily need the TWW support. I just don't know if my participation right now brings me back to a place of pain where I no longer want to be. But at the same time, there is something in the back of my mind telling me as I type that there will be a time in the future when I will need this again.

I prayed to God that if this is not the right time for us that He would remove the desire from my heart, and it seems as though He has. So I'm just waiting and trusting that when/if the desire to have a child comes back, it will be His time. Until then, I will be here supporting all of the courageous women who are navigating the world of IF, and praying that you get all of the desires of your hearts.

Thursday, February 16, 2012


I know I've been MIA. I have been trying to be silent and just listen to God. I have a lot to share, but I'm still gathering words. Big changes are coming, I can feel it. Right now I'm just trying to stay super focused, but soon I will share more.

Sending baby dust to all of you and lots of love. xoxo

Monday, January 30, 2012

Trying to Make Myself Feel Better

I turn 26 and my husband turns 30 in about 4 months...and I'm FREAKIN OUT! I know, I know, we're still young and blady blady blah. I just never thought when we got married that we would be the ages we are and not have kids. So I'm trying to cope with the idea that I may not become a mom until I'm 30.

Last night I ran into a customer that I used to help about six years ago when I was working at Limited Too. Her daughter is now 12 and she has a 1 year old baby girl. What I did not know is that six years ago when I was dressing her 6 year old little girl, she was fighting the infertility battle. She told me the story of six years of trying to have another child, countless treatments, shots, and traveling to other states to see the best infertility doctors in the country. Not one of them was able to get her to ovulate!!! Finally, two years ago she was sitting at the pool and watching women chase their young children around decided that she wasn't really interested in having any more children at 31 years old. So she and her husband decided that he would get a vasectomy. He made an appt, but missed it because of a work emergency. He rescheduled. He missed that appt because he got into a car accident on the way to the appt! Six months later, she got sick on vacation and once she got home she decided to take a pregnancy test. It was positive! She dismissed it because it was such an old test. She took two more tests before she could believe that it was true! She said it was really hard to accept because she had come to terms with the fact that she had the perfect life with her husband and daughter and she was terrified because of her age. The pregnancy was extremely difficult and she really didn't ever believe that it would end in a healthy baby, so when she took her baby girl home from the hospital she hadn't prepared at all.

On one hand this comforts me (to the fact that it's never too late for a miracle), and on the other it terrifies me (that she said it was so much harder to be in her 30s with a baby). I really really really wanted to be a young mom. So I found this little article about some studies that say it is better to wait until 30 to have children. Check it out HERE! And I'm trying to really be mindful about my thoughts on the subject and keep an open mind to the fact that it may be okay that I may not become a mother in my 20s.

Saturday, January 21, 2012


I've put a lot of the plans that I had for my life into God's hands in the past year. I decided that I have no control over many things anyway, so I just pray that God will give me peace. Yesterday, I knew AF would be coming (I started spotting) after a really long week of "teases" and I started praying that God would give me peace. I prayed that He would keep me from the pain, give me clarity and make my will match His.

I have to say that when I started my period today I was nothing but slightly annoyed. I'm not saying that my period is of the utmost importance to God when He is going through prayers, but just that there is peace in giving difficult times to God.

Today I'm asking for His forgiveness for being bitter and angry and doubtful. Some days are really crappy on this journey, but I trust that the future holds great things for my life. I trust that this is not all there is. I trust that one day I will be a mom.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

That Bitch Hasn't Shown Up Yet

I still have not started my period. I track my cycles on my phone and since July 2010 I have not had a cycle longer than 35 days with an average of 33 days. Today was day 35. I am nauseous, boobs still sore, skin horrible, bloated, hungry, etc. No cramps, I thought I saw a tiny bit of pink earlier on the toilet paper. I AM SO FREAKING ANNOYED!

I don't know how fertiles do it, but every time I have the tiniest hope that I may be pregnant, I obsess over it every second of the day. I think about how I will tell everyone. I think about the next nine months. I invision maternity clothes. I think about whether or not we will want to know the sex of the baby. I OBSESS! And to know that all of this obsessing is probably for nothing and I will get my period tomorrow is almost more than I can take.

All day I have just been praying and asking God to not let me sit here and hope and be miserable any longer if I'm not pregnant. And if I am pregnant that it will be a healthy baby. It just isn't fair to get my hopes up and to drag it out. It makes it so much worse. I'm just praying that If I'm not pregnant I will start my period by tomorrow morning, if not I guess I will take another test (I freaking hate seeing that stupid lonely line).

P.S.You guys have left me the sweetest and most encouraging messages that I've really needed this week, so thank you sooo much!!!!! xoxo

Monday, January 16, 2012

BFN. What Else Is New?

I broke down and tested. Yup, same as the hundreds of others I've taken over the past 3 years, one freaking stupid pink line. Do you know what I have to say to that pink line? F YOU!

So then I went to the grocery store. No one there knew that I had cried the whole way there. No one knew that I was cursing the pregnancy test isle in my head as I walked by. A lone infertile again in fertile land.

I don't know why I'm so sad about it since we weren't even trying. It just seems like we're inching closer and closer to the three year mark and I'm terrified that we will never get pregnant. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I guess I always think in the back of my mind that we will just get pregnant naturally when we least expect it.

F you BS pregnancy symptoms! Where the hell is AF anyway? The biggest reason that I allowed myself to entertain the idea that I could be pregnant is that I haven't even started spotting or cramping and I'm supposed to be on my period today. I'm so freaking sick of getting my hopes up. So sick of being disappointed. Sick of feeling stupid for even being optimistic.

Right now I'm really depressed and I feel very hopeless. I don't think I'll ever see those two pink lines.


I'm supposed to start my period TODAY, and here's what's been happening.

Tuesday (~11dpo): right and left ovaries swollen and painful (very similar to ovulation on clomid)
Wednesday: still having ovary pain but only on right side
Thursday: I'm a starving crazy lady (just like on clomid) and right ovary pain
Friday: right ovary pain, sore breasts....margaritas and a new tattoo (so according to how fertiles do it, that means I'm probably pregnant ;P)
Saturday: right ovary pain, no spotting or signs of AF what-so-ever
Sunday: no ovary pain, bloated, very sore breasts (even my husband noticed that they're really heavy and swollen), starving, no signs of AF

(I'm not sure what is going on with the ovary pain. It could be from possible endo. Could be a corpus luteum cyst.)

So here's the deal, my average cycle is 33 days, ending today, with a max of 35 days. I'm seriously fighting the urge to take a pregnancy test until at least day 35 because that biatch AF always seems to show up a day late and a dollar short. I'm really battling the thoughts that are running through my head telling me I'm pregnant because if 34 months of TTC have taught me anything, it's that I'm not pregnant. Unfortunately 34 months of TTC have also taught me that everything is a possible pregnancy symptom and "as soon as you stop trying you'll get pregnant". The irony of "not trying" to have a baby is that it doesn't mean that you no longer want one or you are going to stop having sex, so I still find myself just as hopeful each month as I was when we were "trying". (I guess when I was pursuing infertility treatment I had more invested in it and definitely had more hope.) UGH!!!! Now I'm just getting pissed off that I am even letting myself entertain the possibility of being pregnant! So now I'm going to head over to to torture myself so more.

UPDATE: According to cdtp^ there is a 28% chance I'm pregnant because I'm not having any spotting and I have many of the same symptoms as about 4% of women who got a BPF...So that was a bad idea. Now I'm dying to take a test. I'm currently viewing a pregnancy due date calculator in another tab. SOMEONE TAKE MY COMPUTER AWAY IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!! How lovely a September baby would be...

Monday, January 9, 2012

34 Months and Still Two Week Waiting

We aren't "trying" to get pregnant right now, and haven't been really trying since March. By not trying I mean we haven't been tracking ovulation or planning the BD around it. But I still know that I usually ovulate around cd 17 and I still have an app on my phone that tracks AF. So I know that I'm about a week into my tww (if we were "trying"). Some months are easier than others, but every month I have hope until AF rears her ugly head. I know it's silly. I know the chances of us getting pregnant naturally at this point are slim. Most days I really don't even think about getting pregnant (as impossible as that sounds). The strange thing is that it seems like my husband has taken over where I left off.

At first, I was impressed by the idea that he seemed to finally be as pissed off as I was! He came home one day and told me about a woman who asked him when we were going to "finally" try to have a baby. His reaction was exactly what mine would have been. To anyone else this may not seems so impressive, but for nearly three years I've felt like a crazy woman who only thinks about having a baby. But now, every time we have sex (sorry tmi) he says, "what if you're pregnant now" or "could that have gotten you pregnant". I'm kind of glad to see that he cares as much as I do, but I have just gotten to where I can have sex and actually enjoy it without being completely depressed about being infertile and I certainly do not need to be reminded of it. I told him we aren't trying to have a baby right now and I don't want to worry about it. So he said he would worry about it then. I asked him if he would like me to download the app on his phone to track my cycle ;)

Even though it's completely illogical I still have my hopes up once again, thinking that everyone says once you stop trying you'll get pregnant! Even now I just said BS under my breath as I typed it, but I still have my hopes up. I mean it's not impossible. We're having sex and it's not like any of our doctors have told us it's impossible. So this is how I rationalize getting my hopes up. And each month until AF comes, I live in a fantasy world where I am that person that everyone knows who tried to have a baby for years and went through infertility treatments and then just got pregnant naturally after we stopped trying. For seven more days I get to be that girl. And to be perfectly honest, it's more fun being her than the depressed infertile who just got her period for the 34th  month in a row.

Monday, January 2, 2012

A New Year

I had a really tough day yesterday, not a good start to 2012. I feel the same way I did about turning 25. 2012 was this fictional year in the future that I thought would never come. I thought by 2012 I would have it together, be a grown up. I'm feeling very envious of other people's lives. I'm feeling very anxious about starting mine. I'm feeling like (again) I'm stuck in this never never land where its another day and my life is still not what I imagined it would be by now. I know that I've moved forward and I'm way ahead of where I was a year ago, but I still feel behind. In a few short months I will be 26, my husband will be 30 and we will still be childless.

This wouldn't be such a blow if it wasn't for the fact that I am constantly looking around me at all of the exciting things other people are doing and thinking that I just don't measure up. I should be really proud of myself and what I accomplished in 2011 (bachelors degree, starting hair school, happy marriage) but instead, I'm constantly wanting more.

I have no idea why I'm in this funk, but last night I was just laying in be and couldn't sleep thinking about the past year. Why is it that my mind goes straight to all of the bad parts of the last year? All of the hurtful things that people said, the painful decisions I had to make, and feeling like a total loser in life. I've been out of school for a week and I go back tomorrow so maybe that will help to snap me out of it. Maybe sitting at home gave me too much time to think and dwell and peruse Facebook. I hope that's all it is.

I looked to see if my past posts in January left any clues to why I'm feeling this way, but there were none. Maybe that says it all.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Year's Ballad

Dear Infertility (You Don't Own Me)

Dear pain, oh, it's been a long time
Remember when you were holding me tight
I would stay awake with you all night
Dear shame, I was safe in your arms
You were there when it all fell apart
I would get so lost in your beautiful eyes

I let you go
But you're still chasing

Go ahead, you're never gonna take me
You can bend, but you're never gonna break me
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Dear hate, I know you're not far
You would wait at the door of my heart
I was amazed at the passion in your cries
Dear anger, you made me so high
You were faithful to show up on time
Such a flame that was burning in your eyes

I let you go
But you're still chasing

Go ahead, you're never gonna take me
You can bend, but you're never gonna break me
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me
Go ahead, put a target on my forehead
You can fire, but you got no bullets
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

You're tempting me to look back
But everything that we had together was a lie

Go ahead, you're never gonna take me
You can bend, but you're never gonna break me
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me
Go ahead, put a target on my forehead
You can fire, but you got no bullets
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

-Disciple (Horseshoes and Handgrenades)