Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Still Feeling Like an IF

Every day I go to sleep and wake up thinking, "Who's life is this?" Who's apartment? Who's baby? Because I can't understand how I got here and it's so unbelievable. I think it's really hard to go from feeling so disconnected from your body for so long to a blissful pregnant woman. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled with the miracle growing in me and I thank God every moment of the day that He created it. It's just all very surreal.

Part of it may be that I'm still so sick. Everyone tells me that after the first trimester I will start feeling better...I'm at 16 weeks! I'm not really complaining about being sick, because it's mostly just annoying to puke all day long. It just, again, makes me feel like an infertile playing the part of a pregnant woman and my body, again, isn't cooperating! It makes me feel like my body is saying, "See! I told you pregnancy wasn't my thing, but did you listen, noooooo!" and on top of that I already feel like I'm screwing things up as a mom because I'm not getting the nutrition I need and doing all of the perfect things I'm supposed to be doing while pregnant. Instead, I'm eating whatever I can keep down, not drinking enough water, and taking chewable prenatals because I puked every time I opened the regular ones. I just wanted this for so long, I want to do everything right!

At our 15 week OB appt, the doctor said she thinks it's acid reflux that is causing all of the puking, so she told me to take 150mg of Zantac twice a day along with a prescription anti nausea medication every 8 hrs (ondansetron 8mg) to see if that helps things. It's hard for me because I don't take medicine for anything short of infection, but I trust her and she seems to really understand, so I'm giving it a shot!

My mom asks me every day if I've felt the baby move yet...nope, not really sure, could be gas?!? Clearly, I've never done this before so I have no idea what is normal and what isn't! To be perfectly honest, every time we go to the Dr., I half expect for her to tell us it's not a baby but a tumor and this was all a big joke! But we're still here. 16 weeks. A real miracle!

I'll keep you updated on this IF's adventures in fertile land! I'll be praying that you all join me very soon!!!!


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Our 11 Week Dr Visit (revisited)

I totally forgot to tell you guys about our 11 week OB visit!! It was a total nightmare!

First, I puked in the car on the way there. Then the nurse (not my regular nurse, but some hot mess) gets the doppler out and can't find a heartbeat. She says that doppler gives her trouble and tries another. Still no heartbeat. At this point I'm just praying over and over in my head and trying to hold back the tears. All the while the image of Jennifer Aniston in "Marley and Me" when she goes for her 11 week visit is flashing through my head. Not only was she at the same point in her pregnancy as me, but they couldn't find the hb with the doppler and move on to the sonogram to find that there is no hb and the pregnancy is not viable. The nurse leaves to get the doctor and at this point I was hysterical! My husband held my hand and I just started praying. The doctor rushes in with the sonogram machine and says "no tears no tears" and immediately finds video of my wiggly little 11 week old baby!! I cannot even explain how it felt to see that there was not only a tiny little being in me with a heartbeat and all but that its little arms and legs were flailing about!!!! Such a miracle.

Then the stupid nurse came back and had a ridiculous time taking my blood that included her dropping the blood vial on the floor, having my husband pick it up, it not working, blaming my husband, having him hold the needle in my arm while she left to get a new vial, and leaving a huge knot in my arm. And I puked in the car some more...

But I didn't really care, because all I needed was to see that little baby!

I guess many women have had a similar experience, but part of me just chalks it up to being an infertile masquerading as a pregnant woman!!

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Almost 15 Weeks!

Life has been completely crazy in the past 5 weeks! I got a new job, moved to a new city (leaving my unsold house behind) and am currently living in a one bedroom apartment with my husband and three dogs. Who knew?? I look at the girl I was a year ago and can't really even wrap my brain around how I got here. But I have to say, I'm really happy. About 90% of the day, I'm happy. I'm so glad I get to be with my husband again. I like my new job (I have insurance and paid maternity leave...praise God!). And I'm still pregnant!

I've still been sick. Every day. Everyone says it will get better after the first trimester, but I'm here to tell you that that may not always be the case. It's so worth it though (obviously). And I'm glad I'm no longer sick and alone and can torture my husband so he understands what I'm going through! Hehe. What's funny is that he has made two purchases at the Motherhood Maternity store now and I have made zero! One was for preggy pops (they don't work) and the other was today for a belly band. My pants are just a bit too snug at this point to where they're uncomfortable to button. Anyway, today when he checked out he got a little pacifier as a gift with purchase...and let me tell you that we have not bought one singe baby item at this point. We really haven't even looked at any baby things. Not because we're superstitious or we had doubts, but because of our current living situation. We're hoping our house will sell soon and we can get into a new house before the baby is born. Ah, well if I've learned anything in my life that God's plan will come to fruition no matter how much I worry about it, so I just pray and trust that He's got it covered. The point of this story is to say that apparently when my husband saw our little gwp, he teared up a little. I think that now that I'm here with him, it's all becoming really real...