Sunday, April 15, 2012

This is only the beginning...

Okay guys, here's a little something I've been working on while on a TTC break!

I hope you all start following my new blog! After all, who doesn't need a break from talking about hormones and hcg levels to talk about hair and makeup?!?!?! xoxo

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

We Can't Go Back

My mom gave me a CD of pictures she had taken of me about three years ago before we started TTC. At the time, I wanted her to take them because I was in great shape and feeling really good about myself and I was afraid that when we got pregnant I would never look that good again, so I wanted to preserve the memory. Flash to three years later. No baby. And yet, I still look at those pictures and feel like I will never look and feel that good again.

In the past three years I have lost and gained weight. Acquired wrinkles. Had acne wreak havoc on my skin. My husband has gone almost completely bald (he went ahead and shaved what was left of it). And we have absolutely nothing to show for it. I would have gladly given my body up for a growing baby inside me, but not for failed infertility treatments and subsequent depression.

I look at those pictures and wish I could take it all back. I wish I had never decided to start TTC. I wish I had never gotten off the BCP. I wish we had just gone about our lives, happy and unaware, because now we can't go back. I will never be that carefree girl again. I see glimpses of her, but they're rare. I will never have that optimistic hopefulness for what the future holds. I look in the mirror and see all of the flaws. All of the ways my body has completely and totally failed me. And I think to myself as I creep closer to 30 how my chances of ever getting pregnant dwindle.

There are days when I can convince myself that this has been a journey of discovery that has led me to wisdom and faith that I never imagined and I should be grateful for that. Today is not one of those days.