Monday, January 30, 2012

Trying to Make Myself Feel Better

I turn 26 and my husband turns 30 in about 4 months...and I'm FREAKIN OUT! I know, I know, we're still young and blady blady blah. I just never thought when we got married that we would be the ages we are and not have kids. So I'm trying to cope with the idea that I may not become a mom until I'm 30.

Last night I ran into a customer that I used to help about six years ago when I was working at Limited Too. Her daughter is now 12 and she has a 1 year old baby girl. What I did not know is that six years ago when I was dressing her 6 year old little girl, she was fighting the infertility battle. She told me the story of six years of trying to have another child, countless treatments, shots, and traveling to other states to see the best infertility doctors in the country. Not one of them was able to get her to ovulate!!! Finally, two years ago she was sitting at the pool and watching women chase their young children around decided that she wasn't really interested in having any more children at 31 years old. So she and her husband decided that he would get a vasectomy. He made an appt, but missed it because of a work emergency. He rescheduled. He missed that appt because he got into a car accident on the way to the appt! Six months later, she got sick on vacation and once she got home she decided to take a pregnancy test. It was positive! She dismissed it because it was such an old test. She took two more tests before she could believe that it was true! She said it was really hard to accept because she had come to terms with the fact that she had the perfect life with her husband and daughter and she was terrified because of her age. The pregnancy was extremely difficult and she really didn't ever believe that it would end in a healthy baby, so when she took her baby girl home from the hospital she hadn't prepared at all.

On one hand this comforts me (to the fact that it's never too late for a miracle), and on the other it terrifies me (that she said it was so much harder to be in her 30s with a baby). I really really really wanted to be a young mom. So I found this little article about some studies that say it is better to wait until 30 to have children. Check it out HERE! And I'm trying to really be mindful about my thoughts on the subject and keep an open mind to the fact that it may be okay that I may not become a mother in my 20s.

Saturday, January 21, 2012


I've put a lot of the plans that I had for my life into God's hands in the past year. I decided that I have no control over many things anyway, so I just pray that God will give me peace. Yesterday, I knew AF would be coming (I started spotting) after a really long week of "teases" and I started praying that God would give me peace. I prayed that He would keep me from the pain, give me clarity and make my will match His.

I have to say that when I started my period today I was nothing but slightly annoyed. I'm not saying that my period is of the utmost importance to God when He is going through prayers, but just that there is peace in giving difficult times to God.

Today I'm asking for His forgiveness for being bitter and angry and doubtful. Some days are really crappy on this journey, but I trust that the future holds great things for my life. I trust that this is not all there is. I trust that one day I will be a mom.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

That Bitch Hasn't Shown Up Yet

I still have not started my period. I track my cycles on my phone and since July 2010 I have not had a cycle longer than 35 days with an average of 33 days. Today was day 35. I am nauseous, boobs still sore, skin horrible, bloated, hungry, etc. No cramps, I thought I saw a tiny bit of pink earlier on the toilet paper. I AM SO FREAKING ANNOYED!

I don't know how fertiles do it, but every time I have the tiniest hope that I may be pregnant, I obsess over it every second of the day. I think about how I will tell everyone. I think about the next nine months. I invision maternity clothes. I think about whether or not we will want to know the sex of the baby. I OBSESS! And to know that all of this obsessing is probably for nothing and I will get my period tomorrow is almost more than I can take.

All day I have just been praying and asking God to not let me sit here and hope and be miserable any longer if I'm not pregnant. And if I am pregnant that it will be a healthy baby. It just isn't fair to get my hopes up and to drag it out. It makes it so much worse. I'm just praying that If I'm not pregnant I will start my period by tomorrow morning, if not I guess I will take another test (I freaking hate seeing that stupid lonely line).

P.S.You guys have left me the sweetest and most encouraging messages that I've really needed this week, so thank you sooo much!!!!! xoxo

Monday, January 16, 2012

BFN. What Else Is New?

I broke down and tested. Yup, same as the hundreds of others I've taken over the past 3 years, one freaking stupid pink line. Do you know what I have to say to that pink line? F YOU!

So then I went to the grocery store. No one there knew that I had cried the whole way there. No one knew that I was cursing the pregnancy test isle in my head as I walked by. A lone infertile again in fertile land.

I don't know why I'm so sad about it since we weren't even trying. It just seems like we're inching closer and closer to the three year mark and I'm terrified that we will never get pregnant. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I guess I always think in the back of my mind that we will just get pregnant naturally when we least expect it.

F you BS pregnancy symptoms! Where the hell is AF anyway? The biggest reason that I allowed myself to entertain the idea that I could be pregnant is that I haven't even started spotting or cramping and I'm supposed to be on my period today. I'm so freaking sick of getting my hopes up. So sick of being disappointed. Sick of feeling stupid for even being optimistic.

Right now I'm really depressed and I feel very hopeless. I don't think I'll ever see those two pink lines.


I'm supposed to start my period TODAY, and here's what's been happening.

Tuesday (~11dpo): right and left ovaries swollen and painful (very similar to ovulation on clomid)
Wednesday: still having ovary pain but only on right side
Thursday: I'm a starving crazy lady (just like on clomid) and right ovary pain
Friday: right ovary pain, sore breasts....margaritas and a new tattoo (so according to how fertiles do it, that means I'm probably pregnant ;P)
Saturday: right ovary pain, no spotting or signs of AF what-so-ever
Sunday: no ovary pain, bloated, very sore breasts (even my husband noticed that they're really heavy and swollen), starving, no signs of AF

(I'm not sure what is going on with the ovary pain. It could be from possible endo. Could be a corpus luteum cyst.)

So here's the deal, my average cycle is 33 days, ending today, with a max of 35 days. I'm seriously fighting the urge to take a pregnancy test until at least day 35 because that biatch AF always seems to show up a day late and a dollar short. I'm really battling the thoughts that are running through my head telling me I'm pregnant because if 34 months of TTC have taught me anything, it's that I'm not pregnant. Unfortunately 34 months of TTC have also taught me that everything is a possible pregnancy symptom and "as soon as you stop trying you'll get pregnant". The irony of "not trying" to have a baby is that it doesn't mean that you no longer want one or you are going to stop having sex, so I still find myself just as hopeful each month as I was when we were "trying". (I guess when I was pursuing infertility treatment I had more invested in it and definitely had more hope.) UGH!!!! Now I'm just getting pissed off that I am even letting myself entertain the possibility of being pregnant! So now I'm going to head over to to torture myself so more.

UPDATE: According to cdtp^ there is a 28% chance I'm pregnant because I'm not having any spotting and I have many of the same symptoms as about 4% of women who got a BPF...So that was a bad idea. Now I'm dying to take a test. I'm currently viewing a pregnancy due date calculator in another tab. SOMEONE TAKE MY COMPUTER AWAY IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!! How lovely a September baby would be...

Monday, January 9, 2012

34 Months and Still Two Week Waiting

We aren't "trying" to get pregnant right now, and haven't been really trying since March. By not trying I mean we haven't been tracking ovulation or planning the BD around it. But I still know that I usually ovulate around cd 17 and I still have an app on my phone that tracks AF. So I know that I'm about a week into my tww (if we were "trying"). Some months are easier than others, but every month I have hope until AF rears her ugly head. I know it's silly. I know the chances of us getting pregnant naturally at this point are slim. Most days I really don't even think about getting pregnant (as impossible as that sounds). The strange thing is that it seems like my husband has taken over where I left off.

At first, I was impressed by the idea that he seemed to finally be as pissed off as I was! He came home one day and told me about a woman who asked him when we were going to "finally" try to have a baby. His reaction was exactly what mine would have been. To anyone else this may not seems so impressive, but for nearly three years I've felt like a crazy woman who only thinks about having a baby. But now, every time we have sex (sorry tmi) he says, "what if you're pregnant now" or "could that have gotten you pregnant". I'm kind of glad to see that he cares as much as I do, but I have just gotten to where I can have sex and actually enjoy it without being completely depressed about being infertile and I certainly do not need to be reminded of it. I told him we aren't trying to have a baby right now and I don't want to worry about it. So he said he would worry about it then. I asked him if he would like me to download the app on his phone to track my cycle ;)

Even though it's completely illogical I still have my hopes up once again, thinking that everyone says once you stop trying you'll get pregnant! Even now I just said BS under my breath as I typed it, but I still have my hopes up. I mean it's not impossible. We're having sex and it's not like any of our doctors have told us it's impossible. So this is how I rationalize getting my hopes up. And each month until AF comes, I live in a fantasy world where I am that person that everyone knows who tried to have a baby for years and went through infertility treatments and then just got pregnant naturally after we stopped trying. For seven more days I get to be that girl. And to be perfectly honest, it's more fun being her than the depressed infertile who just got her period for the 34th  month in a row.

Monday, January 2, 2012

A New Year

I had a really tough day yesterday, not a good start to 2012. I feel the same way I did about turning 25. 2012 was this fictional year in the future that I thought would never come. I thought by 2012 I would have it together, be a grown up. I'm feeling very envious of other people's lives. I'm feeling very anxious about starting mine. I'm feeling like (again) I'm stuck in this never never land where its another day and my life is still not what I imagined it would be by now. I know that I've moved forward and I'm way ahead of where I was a year ago, but I still feel behind. In a few short months I will be 26, my husband will be 30 and we will still be childless.

This wouldn't be such a blow if it wasn't for the fact that I am constantly looking around me at all of the exciting things other people are doing and thinking that I just don't measure up. I should be really proud of myself and what I accomplished in 2011 (bachelors degree, starting hair school, happy marriage) but instead, I'm constantly wanting more.

I have no idea why I'm in this funk, but last night I was just laying in be and couldn't sleep thinking about the past year. Why is it that my mind goes straight to all of the bad parts of the last year? All of the hurtful things that people said, the painful decisions I had to make, and feeling like a total loser in life. I've been out of school for a week and I go back tomorrow so maybe that will help to snap me out of it. Maybe sitting at home gave me too much time to think and dwell and peruse Facebook. I hope that's all it is.

I looked to see if my past posts in January left any clues to why I'm feeling this way, but there were none. Maybe that says it all.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Year's Ballad

Dear Infertility (You Don't Own Me)

Dear pain, oh, it's been a long time
Remember when you were holding me tight
I would stay awake with you all night
Dear shame, I was safe in your arms
You were there when it all fell apart
I would get so lost in your beautiful eyes

I let you go
But you're still chasing

Go ahead, you're never gonna take me
You can bend, but you're never gonna break me
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Dear hate, I know you're not far
You would wait at the door of my heart
I was amazed at the passion in your cries
Dear anger, you made me so high
You were faithful to show up on time
Such a flame that was burning in your eyes

I let you go
But you're still chasing

Go ahead, you're never gonna take me
You can bend, but you're never gonna break me
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me
Go ahead, put a target on my forehead
You can fire, but you got no bullets
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

You're tempting me to look back
But everything that we had together was a lie

Go ahead, you're never gonna take me
You can bend, but you're never gonna break me
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me
Go ahead, put a target on my forehead
You can fire, but you got no bullets
I was yours; I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

-Disciple (Horseshoes and Handgrenades)