AF came last week like a tornado! The good news is, there were only three days of spotting before (usually its two weeks of spotting from O to AF). Of course, even though we weren't really "trying" last month, there was that part of my mind that was like "Yay! No spotting? Maybe I'm pregnant?!?!" I know, I know, but at what point will those thoughts stop tempting me? Anyway, I had an INSANE headache the day before she came to town! I took over 3000mg of tylenol (the only time I ever take tylenol or any pain medication is for cramps) and I was still in pain between the headache and the cramps! Then two more easy days and over. So of course I'm thinking "Maybe I'm cured?!?"
Is it ridiculous to think that after all I've been through, my body just needed more time to figure things out? If I look back, I gave it less than 6mos after I got off birth control with very little "trying" before we started all of the natural stuff (vitex, teas, bbt, opks, etc). Then at 7-8mos (it's hard to keep it all straight at this point) I missed my period and that got the ball rolling to really "trying". I then started the acupuncture and all of the herbs. At one year, we went straight to the urologist to get my husband tested (test wasn't so great) and after that it was on to the Clomid crazy train. Here we are, 2.5 years later and I'm wondering if we had just let it go and let things happen naturally if we would have a baby right now! I know it's irrational and unhealthy, but I'm still always finding ways to blame myself. Did I rush things? I find comfort in knowing that God has a plan for my life. I know that we have grown as individuals and as a couple through this journey, but I'm so tempted to want to think that I have control over things. It's so silly because if this whole thing has taught me anything it's that I'm not in control, but I'm sitting here thinking, "Did my want for control cause all of this to begin with?"
So AF came and went and I stuck to my decision not to call the doctor to start Femera and schedule an IUI, but that doesn't mean the thought did not cross my mind. It definitely did...
Here from Mel's Friday Round-Up. I wonder if everyone goes through this? I certainly did, except for me, it was "should we have gone further with treatments?" When you're making these decisions it's so difficult to know what's the "right" one.
ReplyDeleteHey Geochick! HATE making these kinds of decisions!! Even with an insanely supportive husband, at the end of the day it's my decision to make (I totally wish it wasn't). It's funny because I'm going through both questions at once because I wonder if we should have never started "infertility" and then I wonder about my decision to stop! My brain says, "hey sister, you aren't getting any younger!" But my heart reminds me that God can make overnight changes and that miracles happen!!! So (for now) I'm done with doctors and praying for a miracle!!!! So glad you found me :)
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you proceeded rationally through the hurdles we all (IF types) usually go through, with the usual consciousness of time and limited opportunities. You absolutely can't know what would have happened but trust yourself, you have made the best decisions that you could with the information available. I have thought this too but it's a tough path and doubt is a natural part of something so hard. Courage!
ReplyDeleteI know it's tough when you look back at things to wonder if you did the right thing: but actually I think yo udid. I wish I'd gone to a fertility specialist earlier.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I believe everything I've done has been a learning experience, and I've made better decisions each time around. So good luck for your further treatments, hang in there.