Wednesday, March 21, 2012


Most nights I have very vivid dreams that I remember distinctly when I wake up. 

About a month ago I dreamt that I was walking through JCPenney with my mom and I suppose I was pregnant, although I didn't feel pregnant, because we were discussing baby boy names. I told her we were planning on naming our son Daniel, after my husband's uncle. She said we should name him Jackson, after my great grandfather. I said, "what about Daniel Jackson?" She said Jackson Daniel sounded better. I woke up thinking, "I'm going to name my kid Jack Daniel??" I've had a whole arsenal of baby names in my mind since we began ttc, and this was never one of them. 

Last night I dreamt that my husband and I were living in an apartment and our life was very different from how it is now. We had a son (about 4-5 years old) and a newborn daughter. The problem was that I seemed to have very little interaction with these children, especially the baby girl. I would be going along with my normal life, completely oblivious to the fact that I had children and my husband would suddenly show up and put this baby into my arms and tell me that he was going somewhere (to the store) and I had to watch her. I remember so vividly looking down at this child and wondering why I felt absolutely no connection to her what so ever. I understood subconsciously that she was not mine, but adopted. She looked nothing like me. I think she was hispanic (I have blonde hair and blue eyes). Before he handed her to me I had started running a bath. I had no idea what to do with this baby while I took a bath. The room would get too hot and steamy for her to sit there. I would have to sit her in her baby carrier by the door and leave it open. I looked down at her in my arms and she was so squirmy and unhappy looking and I felt so scared and unsure. The one thing I do remember very vividly, however, is that when my husband handed me the baby and said he was leaving, I kissed him and felt so incredibly in love with him.

Even though my conscious mind has reconciled that now is not the time, my subconscious apparently has not. 

This month marks 3 years since we started ttc. I didn't realize it it until I started writing this morning. 

Thursday, March 15, 2012

When Did It Become March?

Things are so busy right now. I am full of nervous energy and anticipation for what is to come. There is a lot of uncertainty in my life right now, from what kind of career I am about to begin, to what city will I live in, and if I will ever become a parent. I have been really focused on moving forward, and just realized I'm not sure where forward takes us.

I have a photo shoot scheduled next Sunday for my portfolio and my new blog (stay tuned) that I'm really excited about. The weather has turned absolutely beautiful. Between school full time and my part time job I only have a day off if I take a day off, which has been very few and far between for the past three months or so. I am feeling a mixture of blessed, frustrated, and anxious.

It is frustrating in spring to see so much change and big leaps forward and feel that you're moving so slowly. My husband's promotion and our eventual move got put off until further notice because of a job freeze. It hit us pretty hard. He works really hard and is very deserving, and sometimes it is frustrating to see people given so much so quickly without having earned it when I know he has. All of this brings back the same feelings of disappointment that I felt last spring with two failed IUIs under my belt.

In the midst of all that, I feel that I am in a very different place than I was last spring. I'm not sure if it is necessarily a better place, though I think it may be. I'm trying to really stay positive, but unfortunately my experience has taught me that disappointment is around every corner. So I stay cautious, but I have faith that this is the path God wants me on and there will be a great big light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe other people have short lived seasons of quick growth, but I know this slow growth is the kind that lasts.