Thursday, June 6, 2013

A Birth Story

Things have finally slowed down enough for me to sit down and write our birth story. It may all seem very technical and I've left some of the emotion out, just to be able to get down the information that I may forget, so forgive me if my tone seems cold.

My due date (Sunday, March 10th) came and went with no baby in sight. I was barely dilated to a 1 and not really even having contractions. That Tuesday, I noticed when I was getting ready for bed that I had a rash on my stomach. I had gotten a couple of heat rashes recently, so I thought it was the same thing. I woke up in the middle of the night itching so bad I couldn't sleep. I tried cool wash cloths and googled what else may work on a heat rash. I tried Witch Hazel, powder, lotion, ice packs, everything I could think of. Wednesday, I went to work and the rash was so uncomfortable I could hardly function, so I called the doctor. The nurse said that I could try Hydrocortisone cream or Aveeno oatmeal lotion. I left work and got both, didn't really help. I knew I had a doctor's appointment on Friday, So I decided to give it another day and see if the lotions started to help. Thursday was miserable. I hadn't had a good night's sleep since Tuesday and was starting to get really exhausted (40+ weeks pregnant, still working on my feet, rash, no sleep). I was really starting to worry that if I went into labor after no sleep and being so exhausted, I wouldn't be able to do it!

Friday came and I went to the doctor at 11am. The first thing she did was check my cervix (still only at a 1) and then looked at the rash. She had another doctor come look at it for a second opinion. They both agreed that it could be a heat rash, but they weren't sure and they said there really wasn't much they could do until the baby was born and that just having him would most likely get the rash to go away. She mentioned that there are rashes that you can get during pregnancy that can cause a still birth, which really scared me. My doctor suggested that she go ahead and induce me. My birth plan was to go completely natural and I had told her I wanted nothing to do with Pitocin, so I was very concerned about an induction, however, at this point I was so miserable that I agreed. My husband was at work an hour and a half away so I called him and told him to head home and started texting all of our close friends and family to let them know the baby was coming soon! I went home to get my bags and everything together and waited for my husband to get home. He came home and it seemed like he was taking forever to get his things ready to go and I was very ancy. He went to unplug his cell phone charger from the wall and smacked his head on our bedframe and started bleeding! Seriously?!? Now I have to worry that he may have a concussion or need stitches? This is about me and my impending pain!! LOL. So finally, we got everything gathered (I called my mom for help packing the last minute things in my bag so I wouldn't forget anything) and we headed to the hospital.

Once we got to the hospital I assumed things were going to move very quickly but I didn't know what exactly to expect. The nurse came in and had me undress and get into bed and then went over all of the hospital information and my birth plan with me. I had to have an IV of antibiotics because I was Strep group b positive. That stuff burns like crazy, but doesn't last long. I had no idea what to expect because an induction was nowhere in my plans, but I assumed I would be promptly given Pitocin. When my doctor came in, however, she gave me three options (none of which included Pitocin!!). The first was a foley bulb (she said this was the most aggressive and would be pretty painful but required no drugs) the other two were medicine (one was a stick that goes into your cervix to dilate it, and the other I don't remember). She left and gave us a few minutes to decide, and since my husband leaves all decisions involving my body to me, I called my mom for help (she used to work for La Leche League and has assisted in numerous births not to mention having 4 children of her own). She, however, had no clue about any of these methods, so she said to do what I thought was best. She did tell me though not to let them break my water unless I was dilated to at least a 5 or 6.

So I decided to go aggressive and chose the foley bulb. The nurse had never seen this method, so she was very intrigued. It was basically a water balloon that they place in your cervix and then fill with water. The pressure causes the cervix to dilate and as it does, the balloon drops until you're dilated to about a 6 and then it falls out. First let me say that I was very nervous because she said it would be pretty painful, but I felt no more pain than a pap smear. About an hour in, I started having extremely mild contractions. After three hours, I was still texting friends, talking to my mother in law who had come to visit before things got crazy, laughing, thinking, "Wow, this is no big deal!" The only gross thing was that when I would get up to go to the bathroom, blood was leaking out of the bulb tube and down my leg (little did I know that was nothing compared to the blood bath I was in for). After four hours, the on call doctor (who I had seen at my 38 week appointment and fully trusted) checked the bulb. She pulled that sucker right out (kinda hurt but not bad at all). She said that I was dilated between a 5 and 6 and wanted to know if I was okay with her breaking my water. I remembered my mom's instructions and told her to go for it! It didn't hurt, but I was not at all prepared for the amount of water that came out!!!! Geez Louise it was a freaking monsoon!!! I had heard conflicting reports from other women that it would be anywhere from a slow leak to feeling like you peed your pants. This was more than I expected and for some reason I was really surprised at how warm it was. Either way, my water was broken and GAME ON!!!

Another thing I should mention is that they were doing intermittent monitoring for the first half of labor so I wasn't constantly hooked up to machines and could get up and go to the bathroom and such. I did have an IV that was giving me fluids that had to go with me, but that was no big deal. It was very nice to have that freedom in the early stages of labor. Not to mention the fact that the baby hated the monitor and was kicking the crap out of me where it was placed! Also, once you're admitted, you're no longer allowed to eat, but they did bring me popsicles :).

Okay, so had I gone into labor naturally, I would not have let them break my water, but because I was induced and furiously trying to avoid Pitocin, I decided to do it so that my labor would keep progressing. Holy crap did things change once my water broke. The contractions quickly got stronger and longer to the point that after about an hour I was grabbing onto the side of the bed moaning/screaming during each contraction. My husband was watching the monitors and waiting for each contraction. The only thing I can say is that I had absolutely no frame of reference for that type of pain. People say it's like cramps and I think I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but WOW! So I'm trying to breathe through each contraction and I could feel when it was letting up and kept saying "Okay, I've got this" as the pain would ease. Until it got to the point that I started begging for drugs!! I remember thinking that I had no idea how long this would go on and it could be hours and hours (I was only dilated to a 7) and I didn't know how much worse it would get and I was really really scared! The nurse offered me a couple of options, I could get the epidural or use IV drugs to take the edge off. At this point, I think I was delirious from the pain because I never in a million years would have made this decision again, but I asked for the IV drugs and I think my husband was just feeling so helpless because I was in so much pain that he agreed. I don't even remember what they gave me, but I do know that the second she gave it to me, the baby's heart rate dropped and I started getting very sleepy! They moved me onto my side and the baby's heart rate picked back up. And the drugs did "take the edge off" but only very briefly and once it wore off (only about 45 min later) I wanted more!!

The thing about the IV drugs that puts you in a really tough spot is that while they do take the edge off, it is only very brief and you then you need more. And in retrospect, I wonder if taking them then made the contractions seem so much worse when they wore off. Either way, I had to wait until it had been an hour and then they gave me another dose. This time it only lasted 30 minutes. At this point I was dilated to an 8. My husband was feeding me ice chips because my mouth was so dry and I kept feeling like I was going to puke (not sure if that was from the drugs or labor), but I never did. The nurse (I really hated her) kept making me move from one side to the other which was making the contractions so much worse, but the baby was not in the right position. Another nurse came in and put a fan blowing on me and was helping me breathe (she was a wonderful older woman and made me feel like my mom was there). But at this point I was so tired and the contractions were so bad that I was begging for more drugs. My husband briefly left the room and said they were coming back to bring me more drugs and when the nurse came in I asked if they gave them to me and he said, "Yes!" I didn't find out until later that they didn't really give me anything because it wasn't really working anyway!

By this time, I was feeling a really strong urge to push during contractions. The on call doctor came in to check me and said I was at a 9 and I told her I really needed to push. Something I should mention is that you're laying in a bed and don't know if you're peeing, leaking amniotic fluid, pooping or bleeding and you really don't care! I had a towel between my legs and was on my side and a pad underneath me and I just knew fluids were leaking out of me during contractions though I don't know what. Anyway, she told me I could go ahead and push during contractions, but these weren't productive pushes. She gave me some numbing shots down there (not sure where) and soon my doctor showed up. I don't really think I was dilated to a 10, but they started getting everything ready for delivery. At this point, I was having a completely out of body experience. I think there were 3-4 nurses, the doctor and my husband in the room. There was one nurse on my right and my husband on my left and they told me to grab onto my legs and push. I definitely wasn't doing it right, so they told me to hold my breath and push as hard as I could into my bottom. They would wait for a contraction and then count as I pushed. I really didn't expect how difficult pushing would be!! There came a point where I really wasn't sure that I could do it! The doctor had me touch the top of his head at one point and it really gave me hope that it was nearing the end. The doctor told me that she could cut me and he would be out, but I told her I didn't want that. I remember my husband looking at me and saying "You need to push really hard, he's almost out". I got this surge of strength and decided this was it, I was going to just do it and be done and the doctor told me later that I yelled, "This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever done!" and pushed him out.

To be continued...

Saturday, March 23, 2013

New Life

Our little man came into the world on 3/16/2013! He is absolutely perfect and healthy and the happiest baby I've ever seen. I'm writing this and anxiously watching him in his basinette (as I'm sure all new moms do). I have so many things that I want to tell you about the last bits of pregnancy and my childbirth experience, but I don't really have the words just yet. And at the same time, I want to write it before I forget. What I will say right now is that I cannot believe that God has seen fit to give us this magical little being to raise. I want to pinch myself every day because it seems so surreal and I seriously feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

40 Weeks Pregnant!

At 37 weeks, he was breach and there doctor told me that the following week if he was still breach, she would schedule a C-Section for 39 weeks. I have this vision of a natural birth that I really want and the idea of a Cesarean was very daunting. For some reason, I feel like if I have a C-Section and this is the only baby I have that I will have never gotten to experience childbirth and I just can't imagine that's how my infertility story ends. I did yoga every day (3 times a day for 10 min) and one night, I felt some major movement. My stomach still looked really wonky when I went in for my 38 week ultrasound, so I figured we would definitely be scheduling a C (I already wrote out a Cesarean birth plan and everything) and even the ultrasound tech said, "Yup, that looks like a breach belly!" But to both of our surprise, our little guy had turned!! It was strange because I had really set in my mind that it would be okay if I had to have a C because all that matters is that he's healthy and it could be fun to know exactly when he's coming (plus the fact that at this point I'm sooo ready to not be pregnant anymore!) but hopefully things will go according to plan and I will get to have the natural birth that I want!

Here I am, 40 weeks pregnant, just waiting for little man to decide he's ready to come. Call me crazy, but I have no desire to be induced (which is apparently the norm thing to do these days), so we're just waiting it out. I've only been dilated to a 1 and 25% effaced for the last three weeks, but I go back tomorrow to see if we've made any progress. I'm soooooo ready to get this show on the road, but at the same time, I want our little guy to come when he's ready.

I will keep ya'll posted. Until then, you can go check out some of my maternity photos on my beauty blog.


Friday, February 1, 2013

34 Weeks!

As we hit each milestone, I'm absolutely amazed that this is all really happening. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you girls out there struggling with infertility. My heart still breaks for the girl that I was two years ago crying over all those negative pregnancy tests. I'm really uncomfortable and tired at this point and my pregnancy has not been just butterflies and sunshine, but it's thinking of her and all of you that makes me strong every day. I know that there is nothing to complain about because I am capable of so much more than the world gives me credit for. I know this because I learned so much about myself during this whole journey from infertility to pregnancy. And I pray every day that you will all make it to the light at the end of the tunnel (however that may be for you).

I have to say, it is very strange going from someone who constantly felt disconnected from her body to someone who was surprised by the miracle performed in her body and finally to someone who's body has been completely taken over by another being. There were about three months that I felt really good and like I had that wonderful pregnancy glow, but at this point in the experience I find that I'm just like everyone else. Ready for pregnancy to be over and hold this little baby in my arms and to have my body back. I used to fear that I would never get to experience pregnancy and now it's the fear of giving birth that I'm trying to overcome. I want to trust that my body knows what to do (since it got me this far) and do everything au natural, but it is a bit daunting with everyone and their dog opting for an epidural or a c-section. I don't sleep at night because I have so many latent concerns and anxieties that I'm not even aware of during the day (plus the 5lbs of joyful kicking and wiggling in my belly). I think the biggest thing for me though is not knowing exactly when the day will come. Part of me wants him to come soon and for the waiting to be over, but the practical side of me knows that the longer he stays in my belly the healthier he will be, and we've already waited this long, what's another 6 weeks! And when I think about it like that, I'm nothing but excited! Excited to meet our miracle. Excited to be a mom.

Meanwhile, my SIL had another MC recently (her second). So it's been very strange to be on the other side of things and be the one trying to be sensitive since I'm huge and pregnant and she is not. I want to say everything that no one said to me. To empower her. And mostly to support her. But it's difficult to find the right words. Everything seems condescending. So I just keep telling her how impressed I am with her strength and that I love her and I'm here if she wants to talk or has ugly things she wants to say but feels like she can't since I'm sure I've thought all the same things. And I'll say the same to all of you. I am so eternally impressed with your strength and I will be sending you my love and praying for peace in your hearts.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Half Way There!

I really can't believe I'm 5 months pregnant! I know I keep saying it, but I still feel like someone is going to pinch me and I will wake up! My belly has officially popped and it is the strangest thing to look in the mirror and realize something that I've been dreaming about for so long is actually happening. The puking has finally subsided, though I'm still taking Zantac for acid reflux.

The baby is super wiggly and it's so awesome when my husband gets to put his hand on my belly and feel him move!! We are focused heavily on determining a "for sure" name, which is proving to be very difficult. I think we're going to register for our baby shower tomorrow, so I hope to be less overwhelmed this trip than I was the first time we went to Buy Buy Baby (all of those stroller options really stressed me out!!)

I have to say, I'm really excited, but every moment of this is so weird. Maybe it's because it doesn't all look like I thought it would. This isn't what I pictured my life to look like when I was pregnant. But I think it never really is what we imagine it to be. And I think it's actually going to end up being better!!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Quite a Week

It has been quite a week for us. We went for our first ultrasound (at 19 weeks) on Tuesday and...IT'S A BOY!!! It's so crazy to think that there is a little baby boy growing in my belly. My in-laws are throwing us a reveal party on Saturday, so until then, we aren't telling anyone our little secret. We're going to do a balloon release, I will post pictures soon.

They also saw from the ultrasound that my placenta is really close to my cervix, which I've never heard of before but apparently can be just fine. The concern is that if everything doesn't move up (right now the baby is still really low) by the time the baby is born, the placenta could deliver first, so I would have to have a C-section. So the doctor said no sex for at least the next four weeks. It was funny because the nurse laughed when she said it (because my husband always gives her such a hard time) so he couldn't tell if she was being serious or not. She was. Lol.

The most exciting part may very well be that I felt the baby move for the first time this week!! I think I've felt it before, but wasn't sure because of all of the stomach issues I've been having. But this time was for sure! It felt like little bubbles popping in my abdomen. So strange and surreal. I had my husband put his hand on my tummy later that day so he could try to feel it too! He's started talking to the baby and paying lots of attention to my belly now. It's all very real now!

So then for the not so good news, my husband lost his job today. His job is the reason we moved. The reason we left our house (which still hasn't sold) and my entire family to start a new life. It is really hard to understand why this has happened, but I trust that there is purpose in it. I feel like God used that job to get us down here and He has plans for us here. It's funny because my husband and I had just been talking about taking leaps of faith and living the kind of life that has purpose. Maybe the leap of faith was moving and now God is going to take us to the next step. Of course the thought has crossed my mind that we could just go back. I had built a great clientele where we lived before and we still have a house and family there. But now that I'm pregnant and have a good job and insurance here, I don't think it would make sense to leave. I really believe that everything happens for a reason and even though it's hard, it makes the most sense for us to stay. I'm excited for the potential for my husband to find a job he really loves...but I hope it happens fast!

So for now, I'm getting ready for the big reveal and staying hopeful for the future. I know that I should not be discouraged because of sufferings which will be our glory, and I know that God can deliver us from hardship. But even if this road is long and difficult, I will still follow Him. We've been in tough places before and He's always seen us though. This just adds to the long testimony that is my life and always choosing faith and hope over negativity.

I've been really sick this week (I'll tell you about all that later) and I'm definitely feeling like pregnancy is taking its toll on my body, so I'm going to try to take some time for myself to do some yoga and really relax my body so it can do what it knows how to do.

Never a dull moment!!! xoxo

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Still Feeling Like an IF

Every day I go to sleep and wake up thinking, "Who's life is this?" Who's apartment? Who's baby? Because I can't understand how I got here and it's so unbelievable. I think it's really hard to go from feeling so disconnected from your body for so long to a blissful pregnant woman. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled with the miracle growing in me and I thank God every moment of the day that He created it. It's just all very surreal.

Part of it may be that I'm still so sick. Everyone tells me that after the first trimester I will start feeling better...I'm at 16 weeks! I'm not really complaining about being sick, because it's mostly just annoying to puke all day long. It just, again, makes me feel like an infertile playing the part of a pregnant woman and my body, again, isn't cooperating! It makes me feel like my body is saying, "See! I told you pregnancy wasn't my thing, but did you listen, noooooo!" and on top of that I already feel like I'm screwing things up as a mom because I'm not getting the nutrition I need and doing all of the perfect things I'm supposed to be doing while pregnant. Instead, I'm eating whatever I can keep down, not drinking enough water, and taking chewable prenatals because I puked every time I opened the regular ones. I just wanted this for so long, I want to do everything right!

At our 15 week OB appt, the doctor said she thinks it's acid reflux that is causing all of the puking, so she told me to take 150mg of Zantac twice a day along with a prescription anti nausea medication every 8 hrs (ondansetron 8mg) to see if that helps things. It's hard for me because I don't take medicine for anything short of infection, but I trust her and she seems to really understand, so I'm giving it a shot!

My mom asks me every day if I've felt the baby move yet...nope, not really sure, could be gas?!? Clearly, I've never done this before so I have no idea what is normal and what isn't! To be perfectly honest, every time we go to the Dr., I half expect for her to tell us it's not a baby but a tumor and this was all a big joke! But we're still here. 16 weeks. A real miracle!

I'll keep you updated on this IF's adventures in fertile land! I'll be praying that you all join me very soon!!!!