Sunday, October 30, 2011

Hi, My Name Is Kendra And I'm A Perfectionist

I am a type A, control freak, perfectionist.

I want perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect nails, perfect clothing, perfect accessories, perfect home, perfect marriage, perfect dogs...are you getting the picture?

Let me explain. These "perfect" things that I want are not deemed perfect by me in light of materialism, but in the sense that they are my idea of the perfect scenario of what my life would be.

I was driving home today and saw a girl out running in the cutest little outfit with amazing legs and felt really crappy about myself for not working out. No matter that I have been working 14 hours a day. It is never enough. I never meet my own expectations.

A couple of years ago my husband and I heard a sermon about the expectations you go into a marriage with and being able to accept that everything is not going to be a fairytale. Why is it that I am able to understand and accept the limitations within my marriage but not within myself?

Saturday, October 29, 2011


In keeping with my musical inner monologue as of late, here's another amazing ballad:

There is a sanctuary,
A shelter from the storm
Seek and you will find it
Run until you see it
If you can hear the thunder, coming back for more
To you there is hope and for you the anchor holds

There is a shadow dark enough to hide ya
There is a lime light bright enough to blind ya
But when the saints they sing into the heavens
There is a God who’s big enough to save us

Let go of your troubles
Break out of your chains
Sit down at the table with all the saints who came
If you can see the fire, just enough flame
To you there is healing
For you there is joy in pain

There is a shadow dark enough to hide ya
There is  a lime light bright enough to blind ya
but when the saints they sing into the heavens
There is a God who’s big enough to find us
There is a river strong enough to take ya
There is a mountain high enough to break ya
but with the saints they sing into the heavens
There is a God who’s big enough to save us

And with love we’ll carry on
Cause grace was strong enough
And we will join our hands
And sing of all these battles won
And with love we’ll carry on
Cause grace was strong enough

That is Samestate "Shadows"

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Thirty Months

I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Thirty months and I'm still barren
Picked all my weeds but still no flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Thirty months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Thirty months and I'm still standing here
Thirty months and I'm getting better yet
Thirty months and I still am

Thirty months and it's still harder on me
Thirty months I've been living here without you now
Thirty months, thirty months

Thirty months and I'm still breathing
Thirty months and I still remember it
Thirty months and I wake up

Thirty months and I'm still barren
Picked all my weeds but still no flowers

(Kelly Clarkson's lyrics about recovery from addiction with my own little touches of IF)

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Praying for Peace

Today I heard the testimony of a strong woman who I admire and it reminded me that everyone has different things in life that they struggle with and that God has a plan for each of us if only we will be obedient to Him and walk in faith. It was not only a testimony of faith, but it also reminded me of the power of prayer.

I may have mentioned it in another post, but a friend of mine told me recently that "God can make overnight changes". This may be a no brainer for some of you, but for me it was a totally new concept. I guess I had always thought that change takes time and that's just the way it is. So this idea blew my mind!

Here's where I'm going with this: I think I'm done praying for a baby. I've prayed for a baby for almost three years now. God knows I want the baby. Another friend told me that "if God puts a desire in your heart, He will fill it". So now I'm focusing on a new prayer: peace.

"We do not grow into a spiritual relationship step by step - we either have a relationship or we do not. The only way you can get to know the truth of God is to stop trying to find out and by being born again. If you obey God in the first thing He shows you, then He instantly opens up the next truth to you."
- Oswald Chambers

I'm a seeker. My entire being seems to be about knowledge. Philosophy is what propels me. Some people crave sugar, caffeine, or even attention...I crave knowledge. I need the stimulation of creativity and thought to get through the day. But, I have to wonder if all of this seeking and questioning is harmful to a peaceful existence? Can I crave knowledge and also give myself fully to God by faith?

I look back at myself and who I've been throughout this IF journey. I think of all of the restlessness and searching for answers and I wonder if it was an unhealthy way to be. Not that I'm saying I could have helped it, but I wonder if my nature to seek information caused me more stress than solace. I would endlessly Google symptoms and scenarios, and in the end, whether or not I knew all of the ins and outs of the IF game made no difference to me. I still don't have a baby. Maybe if I had not sought so much information I would have given things to God much sooner.

I know that all things happen in their own time and I don't wish to take back all that I've learned over the past couple of years, but I do wonder if having this philosophical nature is incongruent with a peaceful state of mind. Can I seek knowledge and also be obedient to a God when it requires me to follow Him by faith alone?

The Dalai Lama teaches that you can reach peace through reason. If you can wrap your mind around compassion and understand it for even a brief moment and then meditate on it, you can find peace. So is there some middle ground? Is it enough that my current search is for peace? If my philosophy is peace and the knowledge that I seek is peace, then will the result be peace?

I understand that I am rambling. These are the things that keep me up at night. I sometimes wonder what keeps other people up at night. I think we are all searching for something in life. For so long I have been searching for a baby, and now my search is to be at peace and to give myself fully to God's will. What are other people searching for?

Monday, October 17, 2011

A Sucker With Low Self-Esteem?

My self-esteem is crap right now.

Maybe it is because I was accused of being terrible at the job I've been doing for nine years.

Maybe it is because my skin has gone to hell from stress.

Maybe it is because I have no time to work out.

Maybe it is because I have no time to be romantic with my husband (much less to shave my legs).

Maybe it is because I put all of my eggs in the baby making basket for over two years and failed.

Maybe it is because I am nervous about putting all of my eggs in a new basket.

For whatever reason, my self-esteem sucks. I feel ugly. I feel out of shape. I feel very crappy.

The reason I am writing these things is because I have found that when negative thoughts are festering in me, it is best to call them out and then be done with it so I can replace them with better thoughts.

I was strong enough to quit my job when it was becoming toxic to me.

I trust that God will give me a baby when it is His time.

My husband adores me.

I have three of the cutest dogs ever.

I am getting to follow my dream of being a hairdresser.

I feel bad for all of the complaining that I seem to do, because I really do have a lot to be happy about. I think everyone must feel like this sometimes. It is not a good place to be, so I hope it doesn't last long.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Not The Baby I Was Praying For

It was late (as usual) and I was driving home from work. I crossed in front of my house (to go around and down the ally to my garage) and saw something small on my front porch. I came in the back door and went to open my front door (thinking I had a package). In pranced a tiny kitten. The fluffiest, cutest, sweetest little flea-ridden kitten you've ever seen. The second I picked it up, it started purring.

I have 3 Chihuahuas. THEY LOVED THE KITTEN!!!! It was as if they knew it was a baby that needed to be cared for. They licked it and followed it around the house (I didn't know it had fleas at this point in time).

I don't do cats. I grew up with the crazy cat lady (my mom) and I just don't do cats. Kittens are adorable, but this one too would grow up to be a cat. So I promptly called my mom (crazy cat lady) to come and get the little kitten. By the time she got there, the kitten was curled up in the dog bed with two of the three Chihuahuas asleep.

It broke my heart.

How many times have we IFs wished that the stork would drop off a baby on our front porch. BUT THIS WAS NOT THE BABY I WAS PRAYING FOR!

Where did this kitten come from? How did it get onto my porch? This just proves that God has a sense of humor.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Maternity Models Wanted!

I've been too busy and exhausted this week to even open my computer until today. I just logged on to my facebook and for some reason noticed that one of the ads running on the right side of the page was looking for maternity models and depicted a very young looking pregnant woman! AF came to town yesterday. I x'd the ad and marked it OFFENSIVE!

I have about another week and a half of hell at my current job...bring on the poverty!

Thats all


Monday, October 3, 2011

Fertility - NOT COVERED

I have been MIA for about a week and was a horrible participant in IComLeavWe, but for good reason.

I recently started hairdressing school and with that have been working 14-15 hour days that end at about 11pm. The first week I had a cold, so that was fun. The second week, all hell broke loose at work. Without getting into the gory details, I will leave it at this:

Dear Grown Men Who Would Rather Push People Down To Get To Where They Want To Go Than Do The Work That It Takes To Be Successful:

I'm sorry that my hard work, confidence and ambition are "intimidating" and make you feel bad about yourself. Instead of trying to bring me down by making false accusations and defaming my good character, how bout we team up and help each other to both be successful. Oh, you don't want my help because I'm a 25 year old woman and you have an aversion to hard work? Well, best of luck to you in your future!!!!


(I do want to briefly point out that said 30-year-old douchebag has two small children (little girls) with a woman that he refers to as his wife though they are not married for whatever reason)

So I took this peach of a situation as God's final push to say, "Quit your miserable job, go to school full time, and let yourself be happy!" And I did. Today I formally announced my resignation.

All of this means that I will be dead broke for the next 9 months (for some reason I find it ironic that it takes the same amount of time to get my cosmetology license as it would to bake a baby), I will lose my insurance, and we will not be taking our trip to Italy next year. We looked into my husband's company's insurance, and it was a joke! Almost 3x the cost of our current plan and no infertility coverage. But you know what, I would rather be happy now than be miserable for another year and get a trip to Italy and insurance to pay for more disappointment. And plus, maybe I will be such an amazing hair stylist that I will make enough money to go to Italy and pay for infertility treatments out of can dream!!!

What it all boils down to is that recently I made the decision that I was going to stop fighting, planning, controlling, and give my life fully to God. I went rogue with infertility, and apparently I'm going rogue with the rest of my life! And you know what? IT FEELS PRETTY DARN GOOD!!!!!!!