Wednesday, November 23, 2011


I have been really emotional this week and I think it must be the holidays. The holidays always make me think about where I was on that day the previous year....and this past year has been a complete roller coaster ride.

Last November, we had our fourth round of Clomid and our first failed IUI. I was living in a hotel room last year for the holidays, working in a town two hours away from home. My husband and I spent Thanksgiving alone together because I was having a lot of trouble dealing. After three more rounds of Clomid, and one more failed IUI in March, I was pretty broken. In May, I graduated from college. In June, we sought help from a RE. And by August, I decided to go rogue and ditch our IF treatment plan all together. That decision put me onto a path that I can't fully explain. I started hair school and quit my job of five years. And although some days are still really tough, I have found a peace that I never knew existed.

I am so thankful this Thanksgiving.

I could be bitter that it has been another year and I'm still childless (and sometimes I am!!), but I find myself really, really thankful.

I look around me and see that I have been given the opportunity to get up every morning and do what I love! Most people don't get to do that! To you, maybe doing hair doesn't sound like that great of a job, but it is my dream job!!!! I have amazing people in my chair every day and I feel so much love from them. I get to talk to them and really learn from them and show them love back. Not only do I get to do what I love, but I get to wake up next to a man that I love. I would have told you a year ago that I couldn't imagine loving my husband more, but somehow I love him more now than ever. I'm working on my relationship with my SIL which feels really good. I'm seeing my siblings as they're becoming young adults and I'm really proud of the human beings that they're becoming. I feel so much love an support from my friends and parents. I just am feeling really good about myself.

If this is all making you want to puke, you can read past posts about how miserable I am here and here and many other places in my blog history, and you can be sure there will be more posts like that in the future.

However, today I have a different message, one of real hope. I hope that the next time I feel like I can't take it and I'm really hurting I will remember this feeling of thankfulness. I hope that I will remember all of the reasons that I'm so blessed. I hope I will remember that God has a plan for my life and that His grace can heal all wounds. I hope I will remember that tomorrow things may be completely different. I hope I will remember how strong I am and how much I've endured and accomplished.

This has been my mantra over the past year and I know that there is no way I've gotten through it without God's strength.

"Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

So I will make it through the holidays this year, because I made it through last year. I will be thankful for the blessings I do have instead of focusing on the one I do not. I will hold my friends and family close. I will eat lots and lots of food. I will really focus on peace. And I will be praying that those around me who are struggling like I have will find the same peace that I feel right now.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Five Days Late and One Pink Line Short

Well, that dirty biatch AF came yesterday. FIVE DAYS LATE! I was waiting until day 7 to take a hpt.

Here is my issue: I have reconciled the idea that right now is not the time and that I am trusting God with this. So WHY is it that my body is sabotaging me????? I feel betrayed. I have no idea how I was able get to the point that I was at two days ago. I was planning out how I would announce my pregnancy! WTF?!?!?! It is insane how no matter what state I'm in throughout this process, everything can change in a day.

CD2 and I'm okay. But I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit heartbroken. Despite my better judgment, I got my hopes up. I feel betrayed. By my own body.

So now, it's on to another month. It may sound completely crazy, but it has crossed my mind to actually try not to get pregnant just so that I have no reason to get my hopes up. I know, crazy. I just can't stand to get my hopes up. The day before AF came, I prayed that God would keep me from the pain. I can't stand the pain, and the fear of the pain to come. It is beyond frustrating to be on a path of peace and to pray and pray for peace and clarity and to feel that you're in such a good place and then be brought right back to that place of fear and pain and uncertainty.

I don't have anything particularly insightful to say right now, so I will quote Oswald Chambers:

"Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time"

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Hoping Until It Hurts

A couple of days ago all of the girls (not on bcp) that I go to hair school with started their periods. I realized that mine was also to be expected soon. I am now officially 2 days late. This isn't particularly uncommon for me, and yet after 30 months of AF showing up late rather than never I still am able to hold hope that this month she won't come. And yet I find myself getting my hopes up.

I know it is completely illogical. I find myself sitting here thinking "maybe we are that couple that everyone knows who stop trying and get pregnant"!! Yeah, I doubt it. Honestly, if I am pregnant, I would freak a bit as I have recently quit my job and lost my insurance. And yet I find myself getting my hopes up. 

So here I am two Thanksgivings later, two Christmases later, thinking "wouldn't it be lovely to announce it to our families during the holidays"!!! I feel so stupid for even thinking it! And yet I find myself getting my hopes up.

I just got home from the grocery store where on the tampon isle I discovered that they were out of my particular tampax choice and thought "ooooh maybe it's a sign that I won't need them"!!! So I left without tampons that I will most assuredly need in mere days. And yet I find myself getting my hopes up! 

I've even written my tasteful 3 month Facebook announcement in my head that looks a bit like this:

33 months ago my husband and I decided to start a family of our own. 12 months later we were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. 3 months after that we began infertility treatments. 12 months later we decided to give it to God and trust that His timing is better than ours. 3 months ago our prayers were answered with a positive pregnancy test!! Thank you so much for all of the love and prayers you have all sent our way!!!! (insert pic of sonogram)

I know that this is too long for a Facebook post, but I feel that so many pregnancy announcements have made me cringe and cry over the years that mine must contain a disclaimer. I don't fault anyone for announcing their excitement over their pregnancy, they have the right to be overjoyed and announce it in any way that they want. So will I, when it is my turn. I have no idea how I continue to get my hopes up!!!!!!! 

My next post will most certainly be about AF rearing her ugly head. But until then, my hopes are up.