Thanksgiving

I have been really emotional this week and I think it must be the holidays. The holidays always make me think about where I was on that day the previous year....and this past year has been a complete roller coaster ride.

Last November, we had our fourth round of Clomid and our first failed IUI. I was living in a hotel room last year for the holidays, working in a town two hours away from home. My husband and I spent Thanksgiving alone together because I was having a lot of trouble dealing. After three more rounds of Clomid, and one more failed IUI in March, I was pretty broken. In May, I graduated from college. In June, we sought help from a RE. And by August, I decided to go rogue and ditch our IF treatment plan all together. That decision put me onto a path that I can't fully explain. I started hair school and quit my job of five years. And although some days are still really tough, I have found a peace that I never knew existed.

I am so thankful this Thanksgiving.

I could be bitter that it has been another year and I'm still childless (and sometimes I am!!), but I find myself really, really thankful.

I look around me and see that I have been given the opportunity to get up every morning and do what I love! Most people don't get to do that! To you, maybe doing hair doesn't sound like that great of a job, but it is my dream job!!!! I have amazing people in my chair every day and I feel so much love from them. I get to talk to them and really learn from them and show them love back. Not only do I get to do what I love, but I get to wake up next to a man that I love. I would have told you a year ago that I couldn't imagine loving my husband more, but somehow I love him more now than ever. I'm working on my relationship with my SIL which feels really good. I'm seeing my siblings as they're becoming young adults and I'm really proud of the human beings that they're becoming. I feel so much love an support from my friends and parents. I just am feeling really good about myself.

If this is all making you want to puke, you can read past posts about how miserable I am here and here and many other places in my blog history, and you can be sure there will be more posts like that in the future.

However, today I have a different message, one of real hope. I hope that the next time I feel like I can't take it and I'm really hurting I will remember this feeling of thankfulness. I hope that I will remember all of the reasons that I'm so blessed. I hope I will remember that God has a plan for my life and that His grace can heal all wounds. I hope I will remember that tomorrow things may be completely different. I hope I will remember how strong I am and how much I've endured and accomplished.

This has been my mantra over the past year and I know that there is no way I've gotten through it without God's strength.

"Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

So I will make it through the holidays this year, because I made it through last year. I will be thankful for the blessings I do have instead of focusing on the one I do not. I will hold my friends and family close. I will eat lots and lots of food. I will really focus on peace. And I will be praying that those around me who are struggling like I have will find the same peace that I feel right now.