I just went through and added a timeline to my blog. So there it is, My Infertility Story all wrapped up with a neat little bow. I think it is helpful to break down what I've tried/been through for other IFs who visit my blog. Not only a way to catch up quickly, but also to show what has (or up to this point, hasn't) worked for me. I'm not sure why, but writing my story in that way feels like I'm diluting what I've been through over the past three years. 29 months of BFNs. 29 months of feeling like a failure. 29 months of getting my hopes up and then being crushed. Yes, some months have been easier than others. But the months that are really bad, wow. I can still feel that pain from last year when our first IUI didn't work like it was yesterday. All of those negative pregnancy tests and just sitting there in the bathroom crying and praying for another little pink line to appear. Oh those two illusive pink lines. How I have yearned for them.
My last post was about using this blog to compartmentalize IF in an attempt keep it from interfering with all of the happy parts of my life. But maybe, just maybe IF has affected more of me than I can even understand at this point. Maybe IF has touched every part of me and really changed who I am.
I am trying to carve out a space in my life where I can find happiness no matter what is going on around me that I can't control. A place where whether I continue my life childless or not, I can still find a way to be happy. I don't know exactly what that looks like yet, but I think it starts with looking at the battle scars I've acquired and deciding that they have brought me to this point, they have made me this person, and she's no so bad! Women are basically programmed by our society to be insecure. Maybe going through these failures and heartbreaks will make me unbreakable. Maybe I will come out of this as some kind of self-aware, secure, compassionate Superwoman!?!?!
Well, here's hoping there is more out there for me than a bunch of negative pregnancy tests and bathroom tears!