Well, that dirty biatch AF came yesterday. FIVE DAYS LATE! I was waiting until day 7 to take a hpt.
Here is my issue: I have reconciled the idea that right now is not the time and that I am trusting God with this. So WHY is it that my body is sabotaging me????? I feel betrayed. I have no idea how I was able get to the point that I was at two days ago. I was planning out how I would announce my pregnancy! WTF?!?!?! It is insane how no matter what state I'm in throughout this process, everything can change in a day.
CD2 and I'm okay. But I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit heartbroken. Despite my better judgment, I got my hopes up. I feel betrayed. By my own body.
So now, it's on to another month. It may sound completely crazy, but it has crossed my mind to actually try not to get pregnant just so that I have no reason to get my hopes up. I know, crazy. I just can't stand to get my hopes up. The day before AF came, I prayed that God would keep me from the pain. I can't stand the pain, and the fear of the pain to come. It is beyond frustrating to be on a path of peace and to pray and pray for peace and clarity and to feel that you're in such a good place and then be brought right back to that place of fear and pain and uncertainty.
I don't have anything particularly insightful to say right now, so I will quote Oswald Chambers:
"Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time"
Not much I can say to make you feel any better but you are not alone in the getting hopes up, the disappointment is something I can get used to, the pain that follows is something I'll never get used to. hugs xx
ReplyDeleteThank you Nikki! I hope we never get used to the pain (ie we get BFPs and get to feel the joy of holding our babies in our arms!). I'm so glad you've found my lil blog :)
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