Friday, February 1, 2013

34 Weeks!

As we hit each milestone, I'm absolutely amazed that this is all really happening. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you girls out there struggling with infertility. My heart still breaks for the girl that I was two years ago crying over all those negative pregnancy tests. I'm really uncomfortable and tired at this point and my pregnancy has not been just butterflies and sunshine, but it's thinking of her and all of you that makes me strong every day. I know that there is nothing to complain about because I am capable of so much more than the world gives me credit for. I know this because I learned so much about myself during this whole journey from infertility to pregnancy. And I pray every day that you will all make it to the light at the end of the tunnel (however that may be for you).

I have to say, it is very strange going from someone who constantly felt disconnected from her body to someone who was surprised by the miracle performed in her body and finally to someone who's body has been completely taken over by another being. There were about three months that I felt really good and like I had that wonderful pregnancy glow, but at this point in the experience I find that I'm just like everyone else. Ready for pregnancy to be over and hold this little baby in my arms and to have my body back. I used to fear that I would never get to experience pregnancy and now it's the fear of giving birth that I'm trying to overcome. I want to trust that my body knows what to do (since it got me this far) and do everything au natural, but it is a bit daunting with everyone and their dog opting for an epidural or a c-section. I don't sleep at night because I have so many latent concerns and anxieties that I'm not even aware of during the day (plus the 5lbs of joyful kicking and wiggling in my belly). I think the biggest thing for me though is not knowing exactly when the day will come. Part of me wants him to come soon and for the waiting to be over, but the practical side of me knows that the longer he stays in my belly the healthier he will be, and we've already waited this long, what's another 6 weeks! And when I think about it like that, I'm nothing but excited! Excited to meet our miracle. Excited to be a mom.

Meanwhile, my SIL had another MC recently (her second). So it's been very strange to be on the other side of things and be the one trying to be sensitive since I'm huge and pregnant and she is not. I want to say everything that no one said to me. To empower her. And mostly to support her. But it's difficult to find the right words. Everything seems condescending. So I just keep telling her how impressed I am with her strength and that I love her and I'm here if she wants to talk or has ugly things she wants to say but feels like she can't since I'm sure I've thought all the same things. And I'll say the same to all of you. I am so eternally impressed with your strength and I will be sending you my love and praying for peace in your hearts.

1 comment:

  1. I am SO glad to hear your voice! So happy that pregnancy is continuing to go well, if uncomfortably. Congrats!