I broke down and tested. Yup, same as the hundreds of others I've taken over the past 3 years, one freaking stupid pink line. Do you know what I have to say to that pink line? F YOU!
So then I went to the grocery store. No one there knew that I had cried the whole way there. No one knew that I was cursing the pregnancy test isle in my head as I walked by. A lone infertile again in fertile land.
I don't know why I'm so sad about it since we weren't even trying. It just seems like we're inching closer and closer to the three year mark and I'm terrified that we will never get pregnant. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I guess I always think in the back of my mind that we will just get pregnant naturally when we least expect it.
F you BS pregnancy symptoms! Where the hell is AF anyway? The biggest reason that I allowed myself to entertain the idea that I could be pregnant is that I haven't even started spotting or cramping and I'm supposed to be on my period today. I'm so freaking sick of getting my hopes up. So sick of being disappointed. Sick of feeling stupid for even being optimistic.
Right now I'm really depressed and I feel very hopeless. I don't think I'll ever see those two pink lines.
It's not stupid to be optimistic! If you decide to keep trying, you have to be optimistic to get through this. But I understand how frustrating and terribly sad and depressed you must feel. I am at a point right now where I don't really think it will happen for us anytime soon. My husband is the opposite though. He keeps saying 'What if you are pregnant now?' which I answer (in my head) with 'Fat chance'. But I still think that optimism is key. Maybe we will decide to pursue other ways to have children even if not our biological children or maybe even don't have any (which is not really an option). However until then, I keep telling myself to at least believe that there is a chance it might happen. Some days are worse than others obviously...
ReplyDeleteI am sending a big hug your way!
Oh honey I am so sorry. I know how upset you can get even if you aren't "trying". Stupid pregnancy test! I really hate them and I'm actually scared of them that's why I have only taken 2 in the almost 2 1/2 years. Take it easy and let it all out. Maybe let your Hubby know how you are feeling and take care of each other. Hugz! email me if you wanna chat. I am here.
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