I had a really tough day yesterday, not a good start to 2012. I feel the same way I did about turning 25. 2012 was this fictional year in the future that I thought would never come. I thought by 2012 I would have it together, be a grown up. I'm feeling very envious of other people's lives. I'm feeling very anxious about starting mine. I'm feeling like (again) I'm stuck in this never never land where its another day and my life is still not what I imagined it would be by now. I know that I've moved forward and I'm way ahead of where I was a year ago, but I still feel behind. In a few short months I will be 26, my husband will be 30 and we will still be childless.
This wouldn't be such a blow if it wasn't for the fact that I am constantly looking around me at all of the exciting things other people are doing and thinking that I just don't measure up. I should be really proud of myself and what I accomplished in 2011 (bachelors degree, starting hair school, happy marriage) but instead, I'm constantly wanting more.
I have no idea why I'm in this funk, but last night I was just laying in be and couldn't sleep thinking about the past year. Why is it that my mind goes straight to all of the bad parts of the last year? All of the hurtful things that people said, the painful decisions I had to make, and feeling like a total loser in life. I've been out of school for a week and I go back tomorrow so maybe that will help to snap me out of it. Maybe sitting at home gave me too much time to think and dwell and peruse Facebook. I hope that's all it is.
I looked to see if my past posts in January left any clues to why I'm feeling this way, but there were none. Maybe that says it all.
Oh honey, I know exactly how you are feeling. I was in this same place not to long ago. You lose your hope for the future and think of nothing but the bad in the past. The things that were my saving grace were reading blogs, and going to a psychiatrist. Finding others in this IF community that were going through the same things and feeling the same way actually made me feel a little better. I am not alone. Then, talking to my psyc, letting it all out and getting to the bottom of things I never knew I was feeling was so healing. Weight was lifted off every part of me and I started to heal. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and hoping you can find your way out of this funk. Hugz!
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