There is so much going on in my husband and my life right now. He is up for a promotion and we may be moving this summer. I am about to start my own business. We are not currently trying to conceive.
We haven't REALLY been ttc since last summer. Some months I still get my hopes up. Maybe it is because I've been insanely busy, or maybe it's because I've been working part time in a children's clothing store, but I'm having a lot of anxiety at the thought of having children. I don't think I can accurately put into writing all of the things that I've been working through, but I will try because there may be one other girl out there feeling the way I am and thinking she's crazy too! :)
I look at parents out shopping with their kids and think to myself how horrible it is that these moms speak to their children and husbands with such disdain. Does having kids mean you will be miserable? Hate your kids, hate your husband, hate your life, get fat and ugly, get divorced and be a single mom? I honestly do not know a single couple that has children that I actually envy. They all seem MISERABLE!
I am not saying that these couples would necessarily have been blissfully happy if they had not had children. I am not saying that I didn't whole-heartedly want a baby for the past three years. I'm not saying that I don't still get choked up over the idea of having a human growing inside of me that looks like a combination of me and my husband. What I'm saying is that I have concerns.
I've never seen myself as the woman who has kids and they become her whole life. I think my husband and I would be great parents and would create a really nice life for a child. I still plan to be myself, have my dreams, enjoy my life with my husband, etc. So will it really be that horrible if we never have children? We are a really happy couple. We've been together for nine years, married for almost six and we're still madly in love.
I guess what I'm saying is that if it is a choice, I would choose happiness and love with my husband over a child I've never met.
This all leads me to wonder if I even belong here anymore (in this world of IF). I appreciate that this is a space where I can think things through. I hope that my thoughts have resonated in others and helped in their journey. But I don't know if IF is something I want to dwell on anymore. I'm not actively trying to have a child like most IF bloggers are, so I don't necessarily need the TWW support. I just don't know if my participation right now brings me back to a place of pain where I no longer want to be. But at the same time, there is something in the back of my mind telling me as I type that there will be a time in the future when I will need this again.
I prayed to God that if this is not the right time for us that He would remove the desire from my heart, and it seems as though He has. So I'm just waiting and trusting that when/if the desire to have a child comes back, it will be His time. Until then, I will be here supporting all of the courageous women who are navigating the world of IF, and praying that you get all of the desires of your hearts.
You should check around. I know there are a bunch of people who aren't TTC right now. You still belong. Do whatever is right for you. We will be here to read support and comment on anything you want to write about.
ReplyDeleteI totally get where you're coming from, even with SIF. I have noticed that, since handing it over to God and asking Him to remove the desire if it's not going to happen for us, the idea of more children is becoming less and less attractive. Suddenly, most of what I see are the negatives of having another child. In a way, it's very freeing.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are finding peace and praying that it continues.