Happenings

I have had so many things I've wanted to blog about in the past month, with zero time to do so. So, lets catch up!

Today is officially CD1...waa waaaa waaaaaa. I've been having lots of dreams about babies (neither here nor there) and the same thought that we all have each month that "maybe this will be the month that I get pregnant". I know we have all been watching Giuliana and Bill Rancic's journey to becoming parents and crying our eyes out (gosh, I hope it isn't just me...pathetic). I was on a daily Jessica Simpson baby watch just going over and over in my head how it could be possible that she was still pregnant (I mean come on, she announced in October??), so thank goodness that is over. Can't believe Reese Witherspoon is preggers, and apparently maybe Drew Barrymore too, no? Another year, and everyone is pregnant but me. Last night I was waiting for a friend outside Starbucks and watching in horror while a visibly pregnant woman smoked a cigarette.

Anywho, what else is new? My husband found out on Wednesday that he is being promoted and we are moving to the Dallas/Ft Worth area! We put our house on the market the next day, and I'm FREAKING OUT!!!! I've lived in the same city my entire life! I know there is a bright future that lies ahead of us, but I'm too stressed to be excited right now.

So, that's where we are. I'm actually feeling kinda numb. A lot of things to deal with. Please keep us in your prayers, we're hoping for a quick sell of our home so that I don't have to stay behind for very long (my husband leaves in 16 days).

This is only the beginning...

Okay guys, here's a little something I've been working on while on a TTC break!

www.kendracardentimmons.blogspot.com

I hope you all start following my new blog! After all, who doesn't need a break from talking about hormones and hcg levels to talk about hair and makeup?!?!?! xoxo

We Can't Go Back

My mom gave me a CD of pictures she had taken of me about three years ago before we started TTC. At the time, I wanted her to take them because I was in great shape and feeling really good about myself and I was afraid that when we got pregnant I would never look that good again, so I wanted to preserve the memory. Flash to three years later. No baby. And yet, I still look at those pictures and feel like I will never look and feel that good again.

In the past three years I have lost and gained weight. Acquired wrinkles. Had acne wreak havoc on my skin. My husband has gone almost completely bald (he went ahead and shaved what was left of it). And we have absolutely nothing to show for it. I would have gladly given my body up for a growing baby inside me, but not for failed infertility treatments and subsequent depression.

I look at those pictures and wish I could take it all back. I wish I had never decided to start TTC. I wish I had never gotten off the BCP. I wish we had just gone about our lives, happy and unaware, because now we can't go back. I will never be that carefree girl again. I see glimpses of her, but they're rare. I will never have that optimistic hopefulness for what the future holds. I look in the mirror and see all of the flaws. All of the ways my body has completely and totally failed me. And I think to myself as I creep closer to 30 how my chances of ever getting pregnant dwindle.

There are days when I can convince myself that this has been a journey of discovery that has led me to wisdom and faith that I never imagined and I should be grateful for that. Today is not one of those days.

Dreams

Most nights I have very vivid dreams that I remember distinctly when I wake up. 

About a month ago I dreamt that I was walking through JCPenney with my mom and I suppose I was pregnant, although I didn't feel pregnant, because we were discussing baby boy names. I told her we were planning on naming our son Daniel, after my husband's uncle. She said we should name him Jackson, after my great grandfather. I said, "what about Daniel Jackson?" She said Jackson Daniel sounded better. I woke up thinking, "I'm going to name my kid Jack Daniel??" I've had a whole arsenal of baby names in my mind since we began ttc, and this was never one of them. 

Last night I dreamt that my husband and I were living in an apartment and our life was very different from how it is now. We had a son (about 4-5 years old) and a newborn daughter. The problem was that I seemed to have very little interaction with these children, especially the baby girl. I would be going along with my normal life, completely oblivious to the fact that I had children and my husband would suddenly show up and put this baby into my arms and tell me that he was going somewhere (to the store) and I had to watch her. I remember so vividly looking down at this child and wondering why I felt absolutely no connection to her what so ever. I understood subconsciously that she was not mine, but adopted. She looked nothing like me. I think she was hispanic (I have blonde hair and blue eyes). Before he handed her to me I had started running a bath. I had no idea what to do with this baby while I took a bath. The room would get too hot and steamy for her to sit there. I would have to sit her in her baby carrier by the door and leave it open. I looked down at her in my arms and she was so squirmy and unhappy looking and I felt so scared and unsure. The one thing I do remember very vividly, however, is that when my husband handed me the baby and said he was leaving, I kissed him and felt so incredibly in love with him.

Even though my conscious mind has reconciled that now is not the time, my subconscious apparently has not. 

This month marks 3 years since we started ttc. I didn't realize it it until I started writing this morning. 

When Did It Become March?

Things are so busy right now. I am full of nervous energy and anticipation for what is to come. There is a lot of uncertainty in my life right now, from what kind of career I am about to begin, to what city will I live in, and if I will ever become a parent. I have been really focused on moving forward, and just realized I'm not sure where forward takes us.

I have a photo shoot scheduled next Sunday for my portfolio and my new blog (stay tuned) that I'm really excited about. The weather has turned absolutely beautiful. Between school full time and my part time job I only have a day off if I take a day off, which has been very few and far between for the past three months or so. I am feeling a mixture of blessed, frustrated, and anxious.

It is frustrating in spring to see so much change and big leaps forward and feel that you're moving so slowly. My husband's promotion and our eventual move got put off until further notice because of a job freeze. It hit us pretty hard. He works really hard and is very deserving, and sometimes it is frustrating to see people given so much so quickly without having earned it when I know he has. All of this brings back the same feelings of disappointment that I felt last spring with two failed IUIs under my belt.

In the midst of all that, I feel that I am in a very different place than I was last spring. I'm not sure if it is necessarily a better place, though I think it may be. I'm trying to really stay positive, but unfortunately my experience has taught me that disappointment is around every corner. So I stay cautious, but I have faith that this is the path God wants me on and there will be a great big light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe other people have short lived seasons of quick growth, but I know this slow growth is the kind that lasts.

A Changing Heart

There is so much going on in my husband and my life right now. He is up for a promotion and we may be moving this summer. I am about to start my own business. We are not currently trying to conceive.

We haven't REALLY been ttc since last summer. Some months I still get my hopes up. Maybe it is because I've been insanely busy, or maybe it's because I've been working part time in a children's clothing store, but I'm having a lot of anxiety at the thought of having children. I don't think I can accurately put into writing all of the things that I've been working through, but I will try because there may be one other girl out there feeling the way I am and thinking she's crazy too! :)

I look at parents out shopping with their kids and think to myself how horrible it is that these moms speak to their children and husbands with such disdain. Does having kids mean you will be miserable? Hate your kids, hate your husband, hate your life, get fat and ugly, get divorced and be a single mom? I honestly do not know a single couple that has children that I actually envy. They all seem MISERABLE!

I am not saying that these couples would necessarily have been blissfully happy if they had not had children. I am not saying that I didn't whole-heartedly want a baby for the past three years. I'm not saying that I don't still get choked up over the idea of having a human growing inside of me that looks like a combination of me and my husband. What I'm saying is that I have concerns.

I've never seen myself as the woman who has kids and they become her whole life. I think my husband and I would be great parents and would create a really nice life for a child. I still plan to be myself, have my dreams, enjoy my life with my husband, etc. So will it really be that horrible if we never have children? We are a really happy couple. We've been together for nine years, married for almost six and we're still madly in love.

I guess what I'm saying is that if it is a choice, I would choose happiness and love with my husband over a child I've never met.

This all leads me to wonder if I even belong here anymore (in this world of IF). I appreciate that this is a space where I can think things through. I hope that my thoughts have resonated in others and helped in their journey. But I don't know if IF is something I want to dwell on anymore. I'm not actively trying to have a child like most IF bloggers are, so I don't necessarily need the TWW support. I just don't know if my participation right now brings me back to a place of pain where I no longer want to be. But at the same time, there is something in the back of my mind telling me as I type that there will be a time in the future when I will need this again.

I prayed to God that if this is not the right time for us that He would remove the desire from my heart, and it seems as though He has. So I'm just waiting and trusting that when/if the desire to have a child comes back, it will be His time. Until then, I will be here supporting all of the courageous women who are navigating the world of IF, and praying that you get all of the desires of your hearts.

Silence

I know I've been MIA. I have been trying to be silent and just listen to God. I have a lot to share, but I'm still gathering words. Big changes are coming, I can feel it. Right now I'm just trying to stay super focused, but soon I will share more.

Sending baby dust to all of you and lots of love. xoxo