I really can't believe I'm 5 months pregnant! I know I keep saying it, but I still feel like someone is going to pinch me and I will wake up! My belly has officially popped and it is the strangest thing to look in the mirror and realize something that I've been dreaming about for so long is actually happening. The puking has finally subsided, though I'm still taking Zantac for acid reflux.
The baby is super wiggly and it's so awesome when my husband gets to put his hand on my belly and feel him move!! We are focused heavily on determining a "for sure" name, which is proving to be very difficult. I think we're going to register for our baby shower tomorrow, so I hope to be less overwhelmed this trip than I was the first time we went to Buy Buy Baby (all of those stroller options really stressed me out!!)
I have to say, I'm really excited, but every moment of this is so weird. Maybe it's because it doesn't all look like I thought it would. This isn't what I pictured my life to look like when I was pregnant. But I think it never really is what we imagine it to be. And I think it's actually going to end up being better!!
Monday, October 29, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Quite a Week
It has been quite a week for us. We went for our first ultrasound (at 19 weeks) on Tuesday and...IT'S A BOY!!! It's so crazy to think that there is a little baby boy growing in my belly. My in-laws are throwing us a reveal party on Saturday, so until then, we aren't telling anyone our little secret. We're going to do a balloon release, I will post pictures soon.
They also saw from the ultrasound that my placenta is really close to my cervix, which I've never heard of before but apparently can be just fine. The concern is that if everything doesn't move up (right now the baby is still really low) by the time the baby is born, the placenta could deliver first, so I would have to have a C-section. So the doctor said no sex for at least the next four weeks. It was funny because the nurse laughed when she said it (because my husband always gives her such a hard time) so he couldn't tell if she was being serious or not. She was. Lol.
The most exciting part may very well be that I felt the baby move for the first time this week!! I think I've felt it before, but wasn't sure because of all of the stomach issues I've been having. But this time was for sure! It felt like little bubbles popping in my abdomen. So strange and surreal. I had my husband put his hand on my tummy later that day so he could try to feel it too! He's started talking to the baby and paying lots of attention to my belly now. It's all very real now!
So then for the not so good news, my husband lost his job today. His job is the reason we moved. The reason we left our house (which still hasn't sold) and my entire family to start a new life. It is really hard to understand why this has happened, but I trust that there is purpose in it. I feel like God used that job to get us down here and He has plans for us here. It's funny because my husband and I had just been talking about taking leaps of faith and living the kind of life that has purpose. Maybe the leap of faith was moving and now God is going to take us to the next step. Of course the thought has crossed my mind that we could just go back. I had built a great clientele where we lived before and we still have a house and family there. But now that I'm pregnant and have a good job and insurance here, I don't think it would make sense to leave. I really believe that everything happens for a reason and even though it's hard, it makes the most sense for us to stay. I'm excited for the potential for my husband to find a job he really loves...but I hope it happens fast!
So for now, I'm getting ready for the big reveal and staying hopeful for the future. I know that I should not be discouraged because of sufferings which will be our glory, and I know that God can deliver us from hardship. But even if this road is long and difficult, I will still follow Him. We've been in tough places before and He's always seen us though. This just adds to the long testimony that is my life and always choosing faith and hope over negativity.
I've been really sick this week (I'll tell you about all that later) and I'm definitely feeling like pregnancy is taking its toll on my body, so I'm going to try to take some time for myself to do some yoga and really relax my body so it can do what it knows how to do.
Never a dull moment!!! xoxo
They also saw from the ultrasound that my placenta is really close to my cervix, which I've never heard of before but apparently can be just fine. The concern is that if everything doesn't move up (right now the baby is still really low) by the time the baby is born, the placenta could deliver first, so I would have to have a C-section. So the doctor said no sex for at least the next four weeks. It was funny because the nurse laughed when she said it (because my husband always gives her such a hard time) so he couldn't tell if she was being serious or not. She was. Lol.
The most exciting part may very well be that I felt the baby move for the first time this week!! I think I've felt it before, but wasn't sure because of all of the stomach issues I've been having. But this time was for sure! It felt like little bubbles popping in my abdomen. So strange and surreal. I had my husband put his hand on my tummy later that day so he could try to feel it too! He's started talking to the baby and paying lots of attention to my belly now. It's all very real now!
So then for the not so good news, my husband lost his job today. His job is the reason we moved. The reason we left our house (which still hasn't sold) and my entire family to start a new life. It is really hard to understand why this has happened, but I trust that there is purpose in it. I feel like God used that job to get us down here and He has plans for us here. It's funny because my husband and I had just been talking about taking leaps of faith and living the kind of life that has purpose. Maybe the leap of faith was moving and now God is going to take us to the next step. Of course the thought has crossed my mind that we could just go back. I had built a great clientele where we lived before and we still have a house and family there. But now that I'm pregnant and have a good job and insurance here, I don't think it would make sense to leave. I really believe that everything happens for a reason and even though it's hard, it makes the most sense for us to stay. I'm excited for the potential for my husband to find a job he really loves...but I hope it happens fast!
So for now, I'm getting ready for the big reveal and staying hopeful for the future. I know that I should not be discouraged because of sufferings which will be our glory, and I know that God can deliver us from hardship. But even if this road is long and difficult, I will still follow Him. We've been in tough places before and He's always seen us though. This just adds to the long testimony that is my life and always choosing faith and hope over negativity.
I've been really sick this week (I'll tell you about all that later) and I'm definitely feeling like pregnancy is taking its toll on my body, so I'm going to try to take some time for myself to do some yoga and really relax my body so it can do what it knows how to do.
Never a dull moment!!! xoxo
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Still Feeling Like an IF
Every day I go to sleep and wake up thinking, "Who's life is this?" Who's apartment? Who's baby? Because I can't understand how I got here and it's so unbelievable. I think it's really hard to go from feeling so disconnected from your body for so long to a blissful pregnant woman. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled with the miracle growing in me and I thank God every moment of the day that He created it. It's just all very surreal.
Part of it may be that I'm still so sick. Everyone tells me that after the first trimester I will start feeling better...I'm at 16 weeks! I'm not really complaining about being sick, because it's mostly just annoying to puke all day long. It just, again, makes me feel like an infertile playing the part of a pregnant woman and my body, again, isn't cooperating! It makes me feel like my body is saying, "See! I told you pregnancy wasn't my thing, but did you listen, noooooo!" and on top of that I already feel like I'm screwing things up as a mom because I'm not getting the nutrition I need and doing all of the perfect things I'm supposed to be doing while pregnant. Instead, I'm eating whatever I can keep down, not drinking enough water, and taking chewable prenatals because I puked every time I opened the regular ones. I just wanted this for so long, I want to do everything right!
At our 15 week OB appt, the doctor said she thinks it's acid reflux that is causing all of the puking, so she told me to take 150mg of Zantac twice a day along with a prescription anti nausea medication every 8 hrs (ondansetron 8mg) to see if that helps things. It's hard for me because I don't take medicine for anything short of infection, but I trust her and she seems to really understand, so I'm giving it a shot!
My mom asks me every day if I've felt the baby move yet...nope, not really sure, could be gas?!? Clearly, I've never done this before so I have no idea what is normal and what isn't! To be perfectly honest, every time we go to the Dr., I half expect for her to tell us it's not a baby but a tumor and this was all a big joke! But we're still here. 16 weeks. A real miracle!
I'll keep you updated on this IF's adventures in fertile land! I'll be praying that you all join me very soon!!!!
xoxo
Part of it may be that I'm still so sick. Everyone tells me that after the first trimester I will start feeling better...I'm at 16 weeks! I'm not really complaining about being sick, because it's mostly just annoying to puke all day long. It just, again, makes me feel like an infertile playing the part of a pregnant woman and my body, again, isn't cooperating! It makes me feel like my body is saying, "See! I told you pregnancy wasn't my thing, but did you listen, noooooo!" and on top of that I already feel like I'm screwing things up as a mom because I'm not getting the nutrition I need and doing all of the perfect things I'm supposed to be doing while pregnant. Instead, I'm eating whatever I can keep down, not drinking enough water, and taking chewable prenatals because I puked every time I opened the regular ones. I just wanted this for so long, I want to do everything right!
At our 15 week OB appt, the doctor said she thinks it's acid reflux that is causing all of the puking, so she told me to take 150mg of Zantac twice a day along with a prescription anti nausea medication every 8 hrs (ondansetron 8mg) to see if that helps things. It's hard for me because I don't take medicine for anything short of infection, but I trust her and she seems to really understand, so I'm giving it a shot!
My mom asks me every day if I've felt the baby move yet...nope, not really sure, could be gas?!? Clearly, I've never done this before so I have no idea what is normal and what isn't! To be perfectly honest, every time we go to the Dr., I half expect for her to tell us it's not a baby but a tumor and this was all a big joke! But we're still here. 16 weeks. A real miracle!
I'll keep you updated on this IF's adventures in fertile land! I'll be praying that you all join me very soon!!!!
xoxo
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Our 11 Week Dr Visit (revisited)
I totally forgot to tell you guys about our 11 week OB visit!! It was a total nightmare!
First, I puked in the car on the way there. Then the nurse (not my regular nurse, but some hot mess) gets the doppler out and can't find a heartbeat. She says that doppler gives her trouble and tries another. Still no heartbeat. At this point I'm just praying over and over in my head and trying to hold back the tears. All the while the image of Jennifer Aniston in "Marley and Me" when she goes for her 11 week visit is flashing through my head. Not only was she at the same point in her pregnancy as me, but they couldn't find the hb with the doppler and move on to the sonogram to find that there is no hb and the pregnancy is not viable. The nurse leaves to get the doctor and at this point I was hysterical! My husband held my hand and I just started praying. The doctor rushes in with the sonogram machine and says "no tears no tears" and immediately finds video of my wiggly little 11 week old baby!! I cannot even explain how it felt to see that there was not only a tiny little being in me with a heartbeat and all but that its little arms and legs were flailing about!!!! Such a miracle.
Then the stupid nurse came back and had a ridiculous time taking my blood that included her dropping the blood vial on the floor, having my husband pick it up, it not working, blaming my husband, having him hold the needle in my arm while she left to get a new vial, and leaving a huge knot in my arm. And I puked in the car some more...
But I didn't really care, because all I needed was to see that little baby!
I guess many women have had a similar experience, but part of me just chalks it up to being an infertile masquerading as a pregnant woman!!
First, I puked in the car on the way there. Then the nurse (not my regular nurse, but some hot mess) gets the doppler out and can't find a heartbeat. She says that doppler gives her trouble and tries another. Still no heartbeat. At this point I'm just praying over and over in my head and trying to hold back the tears. All the while the image of Jennifer Aniston in "Marley and Me" when she goes for her 11 week visit is flashing through my head. Not only was she at the same point in her pregnancy as me, but they couldn't find the hb with the doppler and move on to the sonogram to find that there is no hb and the pregnancy is not viable. The nurse leaves to get the doctor and at this point I was hysterical! My husband held my hand and I just started praying. The doctor rushes in with the sonogram machine and says "no tears no tears" and immediately finds video of my wiggly little 11 week old baby!! I cannot even explain how it felt to see that there was not only a tiny little being in me with a heartbeat and all but that its little arms and legs were flailing about!!!! Such a miracle.
Then the stupid nurse came back and had a ridiculous time taking my blood that included her dropping the blood vial on the floor, having my husband pick it up, it not working, blaming my husband, having him hold the needle in my arm while she left to get a new vial, and leaving a huge knot in my arm. And I puked in the car some more...
But I didn't really care, because all I needed was to see that little baby!
I guess many women have had a similar experience, but part of me just chalks it up to being an infertile masquerading as a pregnant woman!!
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Almost 15 Weeks!
Life has been completely crazy in the past 5 weeks! I got a new job, moved to a new city (leaving my unsold house behind) and am currently living in a one bedroom apartment with my husband and three dogs. Who knew?? I look at the girl I was a year ago and can't really even wrap my brain around how I got here. But I have to say, I'm really happy. About 90% of the day, I'm happy. I'm so glad I get to be with my husband again. I like my new job (I have insurance and paid maternity leave...praise God!). And I'm still pregnant!
I've still been sick. Every day. Everyone says it will get better after the first trimester, but I'm here to tell you that that may not always be the case. It's so worth it though (obviously). And I'm glad I'm no longer sick and alone and can torture my husband so he understands what I'm going through! Hehe. What's funny is that he has made two purchases at the Motherhood Maternity store now and I have made zero! One was for preggy pops (they don't work) and the other was today for a belly band. My pants are just a bit too snug at this point to where they're uncomfortable to button. Anyway, today when he checked out he got a little pacifier as a gift with purchase...and let me tell you that we have not bought one singe baby item at this point. We really haven't even looked at any baby things. Not because we're superstitious or we had doubts, but because of our current living situation. We're hoping our house will sell soon and we can get into a new house before the baby is born. Ah, well if I've learned anything in my life that God's plan will come to fruition no matter how much I worry about it, so I just pray and trust that He's got it covered. The point of this story is to say that apparently when my husband saw our little gwp, he teared up a little. I think that now that I'm here with him, it's all becoming really real...
I've still been sick. Every day. Everyone says it will get better after the first trimester, but I'm here to tell you that that may not always be the case. It's so worth it though (obviously). And I'm glad I'm no longer sick and alone and can torture my husband so he understands what I'm going through! Hehe. What's funny is that he has made two purchases at the Motherhood Maternity store now and I have made zero! One was for preggy pops (they don't work) and the other was today for a belly band. My pants are just a bit too snug at this point to where they're uncomfortable to button. Anyway, today when he checked out he got a little pacifier as a gift with purchase...and let me tell you that we have not bought one singe baby item at this point. We really haven't even looked at any baby things. Not because we're superstitious or we had doubts, but because of our current living situation. We're hoping our house will sell soon and we can get into a new house before the baby is born. Ah, well if I've learned anything in my life that God's plan will come to fruition no matter how much I worry about it, so I just pray and trust that He's got it covered. The point of this story is to say that apparently when my husband saw our little gwp, he teared up a little. I think that now that I'm here with him, it's all becoming really real...
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
I Don't Know Much
I don't know much about being pregnant (I've never done it before), but I'll let you in on the things I've learned in the first 10 weeks:
1. The mommy guilt begins early! I'm already dealing with feelings of guilt because I'm not eating the most perfectly healthy things for my baby. Hey, I've been sick! I have the best of intentions, but I have to eat whatever I can stand to swallow. I'm not going to punish myself for not following a perfect diet. My baby will get the nutrients it needs and once I start feeling better, I will start eating better.
2. It's okay to complain (a little). I feel like because I've wanted a baby for so long, I really shouldn't complain about how tired and sick I am. I remember hearing pregnant women complain and thinking, "Duh! Of course you don't feel great, you're growing a human!" and now that I'm growing a human of my own, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna complain a bit. And I'm going to let myself, because I'm not going to punish myself anymore. Not for being an infertile turned fertile, not for being lucky and blessed to have an amazing husband and be pregnant, not for anything! I'm going to enjoy every second that I can of this pregnancy and if I don't feel well I'm going to take the sympathy as it comes (even if it's only from my hubby!). Because let me tell you, I am really sick and tired! LOL
3. The world isn't going to stop for nine months because I'm suddenly pregnant. I'm not gonna lie, I thought there should be a parade (or balloons at least) when we announced our pregnancy! Much to my dismay, it just wasn't so. Yes, everyone was really excited and supportive for a couple of weeks, but now it's pretty much calmed down. And to top things off, my sister just announced she is engaged and getting married New Years Eve in Vegas (obviously I won't be going because I'll be 7mos pregnant by then). Yeah, when the first born announces her engagement, it kinda trumps your piddly old pregnancy...thanks for stealing my thunder sis!
4. Paranoia! I don't know if it's the fact that I'm living alone for the first time in my life right now or all of those episodes of 48hrs and Law & Order coming back to haunt me, but I'm seriously paranoid! I'm afraid of all of the things that could happen to me and the statistics about pregnant women being harmed. But it's not just that, until the past couple of days, every time I felt a twinge in my tummy, I would run to the bathroom expecting to see blood. I think it's just the infertile in me, still in disbelief that this is happening.
5. A few tips for the sickness: ginger, fire jolly ranchers, hot water with lemon and a spoonful of apple cider vinegar (for acid reflux).
6. I'm already getting a tiny lil pooch! I was admittedly very thin before I got pregnant, so the tiny baby (about the size of a lime) in my tummy is already showing! Not to anyone else, but just to me! And I absolutely love it! Though my clothes do not :) I promise if I start taking bump pics I will post them on a separate page so you can look if you want to and not if you don't! My husband doesn't want to photograph it yet because he thinks it's too small and people will just think I already had this pooch!! Haha.
7. Although none of the above sounds very glamorous, I WAKE UP EVERY DAY FEELING SO HAPPY AND SO LUCKY THAT I HAVE A GROWING BABY IN MY BODY! I know that my infertility story has not been nearly as difficult as a lot of you out there. I thank God that I've never miscarried like many of you have had to go through. Many of you went through many more IUIs than I did and even several rounds of IVF. I know how lucky I am. And I don't forget it. Every second of every day I'm thanking God and praying that this baby will be healthy, happy, and love God.
And I'm praying for all of you out there who are still fighting the good fight! I know what you're feeling and how difficult it is to be strong in the face of infertility, but I know that you are stronger than you know, and I pray that God will wrap you in His arms and be your strength when you have none left. xoxo
1. The mommy guilt begins early! I'm already dealing with feelings of guilt because I'm not eating the most perfectly healthy things for my baby. Hey, I've been sick! I have the best of intentions, but I have to eat whatever I can stand to swallow. I'm not going to punish myself for not following a perfect diet. My baby will get the nutrients it needs and once I start feeling better, I will start eating better.
2. It's okay to complain (a little). I feel like because I've wanted a baby for so long, I really shouldn't complain about how tired and sick I am. I remember hearing pregnant women complain and thinking, "Duh! Of course you don't feel great, you're growing a human!" and now that I'm growing a human of my own, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna complain a bit. And I'm going to let myself, because I'm not going to punish myself anymore. Not for being an infertile turned fertile, not for being lucky and blessed to have an amazing husband and be pregnant, not for anything! I'm going to enjoy every second that I can of this pregnancy and if I don't feel well I'm going to take the sympathy as it comes (even if it's only from my hubby!). Because let me tell you, I am really sick and tired! LOL
3. The world isn't going to stop for nine months because I'm suddenly pregnant. I'm not gonna lie, I thought there should be a parade (or balloons at least) when we announced our pregnancy! Much to my dismay, it just wasn't so. Yes, everyone was really excited and supportive for a couple of weeks, but now it's pretty much calmed down. And to top things off, my sister just announced she is engaged and getting married New Years Eve in Vegas (obviously I won't be going because I'll be 7mos pregnant by then). Yeah, when the first born announces her engagement, it kinda trumps your piddly old pregnancy...thanks for stealing my thunder sis!
4. Paranoia! I don't know if it's the fact that I'm living alone for the first time in my life right now or all of those episodes of 48hrs and Law & Order coming back to haunt me, but I'm seriously paranoid! I'm afraid of all of the things that could happen to me and the statistics about pregnant women being harmed. But it's not just that, until the past couple of days, every time I felt a twinge in my tummy, I would run to the bathroom expecting to see blood. I think it's just the infertile in me, still in disbelief that this is happening.
5. A few tips for the sickness: ginger, fire jolly ranchers, hot water with lemon and a spoonful of apple cider vinegar (for acid reflux).
6. I'm already getting a tiny lil pooch! I was admittedly very thin before I got pregnant, so the tiny baby (about the size of a lime) in my tummy is already showing! Not to anyone else, but just to me! And I absolutely love it! Though my clothes do not :) I promise if I start taking bump pics I will post them on a separate page so you can look if you want to and not if you don't! My husband doesn't want to photograph it yet because he thinks it's too small and people will just think I already had this pooch!! Haha.
7. Although none of the above sounds very glamorous, I WAKE UP EVERY DAY FEELING SO HAPPY AND SO LUCKY THAT I HAVE A GROWING BABY IN MY BODY! I know that my infertility story has not been nearly as difficult as a lot of you out there. I thank God that I've never miscarried like many of you have had to go through. Many of you went through many more IUIs than I did and even several rounds of IVF. I know how lucky I am. And I don't forget it. Every second of every day I'm thanking God and praying that this baby will be healthy, happy, and love God.
And I'm praying for all of you out there who are still fighting the good fight! I know what you're feeling and how difficult it is to be strong in the face of infertility, but I know that you are stronger than you know, and I pray that God will wrap you in His arms and be your strength when you have none left. xoxo
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Coming Out
I feel like today was my coming out party! I had told my close friends and family that we're pregnant, but I hadn't announced it to the world (or Facebook :P). The people that are really close to me know what my husband and I went through with IF, but the acquaintances did not. And no one knows about this blog. I really wanted to make my Facebook post meaningful and expressive of what we've been through because I don't know who else is going through it. I remember every time one of my FB friends got pregnant I would immediately hide them! Not because I was not happy for them but because I knew what was to come...my baby is the size of an orange! We're having a boy/girl! Today I puked! etc.
This is what I wrote: 4 years ago my husband and I decided we wanted to start a family. A year and a half later we turned to acupuncture, herbs and clean living. When all else failed, we sought infertility treatment. After over a year of treatment for unexplained infertility and 2 failed IUIs, we decided to forgo further treatment and to instead give it to God and trust that He would fill the desire in our hearts to be parents. A year later, God has created an overnight miracle in our lives and we’re going to have a baby! Thank you so much for all of the love and prayers you have all sent our way! Words cannot express the joy that we’re feeling right now!
It has been a really emotional day and all of the kind words and well wishes that people are pouring out mean so much to me. It's like God is just wrapping me in His arms and telling me it's my time and now I can just breathe!
This is what I wrote: 4 years ago my husband and I decided we wanted to start a family. A year and a half later we turned to acupuncture, herbs and clean living. When all else failed, we sought infertility treatment. After over a year of treatment for unexplained infertility and 2 failed IUIs, we decided to forgo further treatment and to instead give it to God and trust that He would fill the desire in our hearts to be parents. A year later, God has created an overnight miracle in our lives and we’re going to have a baby! Thank you so much for all of the love and prayers you have all sent our way! Words cannot express the joy that we’re feeling right now!
It has been a really emotional day and all of the kind words and well wishes that people are pouring out mean so much to me. It's like God is just wrapping me in His arms and telling me it's my time and now I can just breathe!
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