Almost 8 Weeks!

Two days ago we got to experience something that I hadn't thought possible for a long time. We got to see our baby's heartbeat!!! And hear it too! I seriously think part of me was waiting for the doctor to look around in there and say it was all a fluke and there was no baby...but there was! The second I saw that little flicker of a heartbeat, I knew this was real. This is really happening!

Part of me doubted I would ever get to experience pregnancy, and now here I am, almost 8 weeks! I ate a banana today and (for the first time) immediately puked it back up! Best puke ever!!!! Lol.

I'm now the girl that if you come across my blog for the first time you're inspired and annoyed at the same time because you can look at all that I've been through with infertility and see that for me there was an endpoint, but also because I'm that annoying biatch that stopped trying and got pregnant. So you're welcome and I'm sorry all at once. I love you girls so much and could have never gotten here without your kind words, support and being able to relate to your journeys, so thank you!

And just a little tid bit, but my new OB is an IF too. Married for ten years and a couple of failed IVF cycles, so keep her in your prayers too! We all think it's bad being IF in a world of Fertile Mertles, I can't imagine how she must feel every day!!!

How Did This Happen Anyway?

I've been off birth control for a little over 3 years. I did about a year of natural/holistic ttc and 9 mos of IF treatment (over a period of a year). I consider myself infertile. And yet, I'm pregnant! I've done nothing different. NOTHING! I haven't visualized this happening and believed it into existence. In fact, for about a year now I hadn't believed that I would ever get pregnant myself (especially not naturally) and had assumed that our road would be filled with more treatments and possible adoption. I had almost accepted that I was happy without children and maybe I would never be a mother. I never thought I would get to see those two pink lines. NEVER! I am really a little pissed that I'm now a part of the annoying statistic that "when you stop trying you'll get pregnant" so I wanted to write this post for you women that are still out there ttc.

I do not believe for one moment that it was because we stopped trying that we got pregnant! I think that had we made another decision and continued with treatment we would have gotten pregnant that way too. I think it is more about timing. We each have to do what we feel comfortable with. I do think our decisions on treatment matter, but we all know that there is an aspect of this that is out of our control. Why when all of the analyses look perfect does an IUI not work? I have no freaking clue! The only thing that I can tell myself is that it wasn't the right time.

I feel like there is nothing more painful than going through this feeling like you're doing everything you possibly can and you still aren't pregnant. Nothing! I just don't want you girls out there to think that there is some way that it is your fault that you aren't pregnant right now and I am (because I've been there and felt that). I know you women have faith. I know you trust the Lord. Pursuing treatment does not negate that! You do what is right for you!

So finally, all I can figure is that this was God's time to create a miracle in our life and that this will all be to glorify Him. Who knows, maybe it simply took 3 years for my body to recover after 6 years of birth control? I have no idea how in the heck this happened, but I'm cautiously optimistic and praising God for the miracle that is right now growing in me. And as always, I am praying that all of you strong, faithful, patient women will get to experience that same miracle in your lives very soon.

6 Week Update

We are at 6 weeks now and doing okay. Still spotting, but only brown, and my doctor said that as long as I'm not soaking through a pad or anything it's okay. I've been trying to stay off my feet as much as possible just to be safe. My HCG levels on Saturday were 3600 and on Monday 6100 so that's good. It is starting to sink in a little bit that this may actually be happening!

Our first official doctor appt will be next Friday in the city to which we are moving (that's a whole other story), and I can't wait to see that lil heartbeat.

I think I'm still shocked. It is beginning to sink in little by little every day, but it is still so unbelievable. God has really created a miracle!

Thank you for all of your prayers and words of encouragement (they mean so much to me). I will keep you updated.

Spent the Day In the ER...

Yesterday I was having some brown spotting which kinda freaked me out, but I looked it up online and everyone said it was okay unless it was red and cramping. This morning I was at school and went to the bathroom and there was red in the toilet. I freaked out, got my instructor and my friend and told them (sobbing) what was going on. My friend called her mom who is a nurse and she said I needed to call my mom and go to the ER. I hadn't told my mom yet because I wanted to tell the whole family at once. So I called her. My friend took me to the ER and my mom met us there. I got some blood work done and a regular and pelvic sonogram. By this time there was no bleeding. They said there was a gestational sac implanted but it was too soon to see a heartbeat if there was one. So they got a base HCG level and I have to get more blood work Monday to make sure it is progressing normally.

I'm totally freaked out. Every twinge in my stomach, every spot, everything! I'm freaked out bc I don't know if there is even life in there. My mom said she bled with me and everything was fine.

I also found out that I am RH- so I got a shot for that.

I have like 40 hrs of school left and was supposed to finish on Friday, but idk what I'm going to do because I have to be on bed rest. I already spoke with my boss and told her I can't work tomorrow. The doctor said I need to just take it easy and relax. I'm still having brown spotting and maybe a tiny bit of cramping.

My mom went and got me groceries and I'm trying to relax and take care of myself, but I'm scared. And my husband isn't here. That's what made everything extra difficult today. I just hate that he isn't here for me to lean on. And the fact that our lives are so crazy right now and I may have a picky lil baby growing in me is concerning. You hear about these women who are pregnant and just do it all so I assumed that I would be fine. Maybe along with everything else in my life it just isn't going to be that easy!

Please pray that there is a healthy growing baby inside me and that this too shall pass and everything will be perfect!!!! Hopefully I will know more this week and I will update you all.

Day 2 and Still Shocked

I still cannot believe that I woke up yesterday morning like every other time I've taken a pregnancy test and it was positive! I took the OPK first and it was super positive (5:22 am). So I got back in bed and thought to myself that my body was probably freaking out and I was just ovulating. I told myself "How many times has your body freaked out and ovulated at a weird time? And how many times have you actually been pregnant? You aren't pregnant!" I laid in bed for an hour. Then I got up and took two old pregnancy tests that I had (one expired last month and the other was a bit older). They were instantly positive! Instantly! When I dipped the first one in the cup it was just like every other time and I have to say I could not believe my eyes when it turned positive! I thought I was dreaming!

Since my husband is living 6 hours away, I called him immediately! He didn't answer. So I called again and he answered half asleep. I think he thought he was dreaming. He kept saying he was waiting for his alarm to go off and to wake up. I was sobbing uncontrollably! As soon as he realized he wasn't dreaming, his immediate concern was that I tell no one. Between 3+ years of ttc and his sister's early miscarriage last year, I could tell he was really scared.

I had to go to school and I decided that I would tell only my school bff about the news. She cried, I cried. I have no idea how I made it through the day yesterday. It was like everything was the same except I was pregnant!

I feel like I have this huge secret that I want to scream from the rooftops but the IF part of me knows we are far from the safe zone.

I can't wait to get past the scared part and get to the excited part!!!!

Holy S@#$ BFP!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM IN TOTAL SHOCK! I HAVE NO WORDS! I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6 Days Late and Dreaming

Last night I woke up having a dream that I was holding tiny twin baby girls in my arms. My husband was making bottles and they just kept sucking them down left and right. I was looking at them like I look at my puppy. They were so tiny and sweet and I felt unconditional love for them. What's weird is I really don't remember ever dreaming about baby girls. I always dream about baby boys. And never twins.

I don't know why but some months just get to me more than others. Some months AF comes and goes without a thought and some months (like this one) it seems like everything makes me think of the possibility of being pregnant. I have a rule that I can't take a pregnancy test until I'm 7 days late. I just dug through my bathroom drawer stash of fertility stuff and found that I have about 10 expired pregnancy tests and a couple of unexpired ovulation tests. (Apparently those work as pregnancy tests too.)

Ugh, I hate the pull of this. I hate who it makes me. I hate the fear. It all seems very surreal. Every time.

I've stopped counting the months. We've stopped trying. I haven't given up hope though.

If only there was a rule (like in the movies) that if your period was late, that meant you're pregnant. Unfortunately my body likes to play games.

Wouldn't That Be A Kick In The Pants!

My period is 3 days late (not abnormal at all), but every month that I'm even a day late without spotting I think this could be the month! Wouldn't that just be a kick in the pants for all the people who say that I just need to calm down and not be so stressed and "it will happen"!?!?!

I've seen my husband a total of 2 times this month, I'm going to school 40+ hrs a week and working 20, I'm trying to sell my house and find a job in another city...stressed, party of 1!!!

Anyway, I'm sure that little red devil AF will show her face soon enough, but wouldn't it be great to get those two little lines and say SEEEEE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH STRESS BIATCHES! IT HAS TO DO WITH GOD'S TIMING AND NOTHING ELSE! SO SUCK IT! :)

Haha, one can dream!