Dreams

Most nights I have very vivid dreams that I remember distinctly when I wake up. 

About a month ago I dreamt that I was walking through JCPenney with my mom and I suppose I was pregnant, although I didn't feel pregnant, because we were discussing baby boy names. I told her we were planning on naming our son Daniel, after my husband's uncle. She said we should name him Jackson, after my great grandfather. I said, "what about Daniel Jackson?" She said Jackson Daniel sounded better. I woke up thinking, "I'm going to name my kid Jack Daniel??" I've had a whole arsenal of baby names in my mind since we began ttc, and this was never one of them. 

Last night I dreamt that my husband and I were living in an apartment and our life was very different from how it is now. We had a son (about 4-5 years old) and a newborn daughter. The problem was that I seemed to have very little interaction with these children, especially the baby girl. I would be going along with my normal life, completely oblivious to the fact that I had children and my husband would suddenly show up and put this baby into my arms and tell me that he was going somewhere (to the store) and I had to watch her. I remember so vividly looking down at this child and wondering why I felt absolutely no connection to her what so ever. I understood subconsciously that she was not mine, but adopted. She looked nothing like me. I think she was hispanic (I have blonde hair and blue eyes). Before he handed her to me I had started running a bath. I had no idea what to do with this baby while I took a bath. The room would get too hot and steamy for her to sit there. I would have to sit her in her baby carrier by the door and leave it open. I looked down at her in my arms and she was so squirmy and unhappy looking and I felt so scared and unsure. The one thing I do remember very vividly, however, is that when my husband handed me the baby and said he was leaving, I kissed him and felt so incredibly in love with him.

Even though my conscious mind has reconciled that now is not the time, my subconscious apparently has not. 

This month marks 3 years since we started ttc. I didn't realize it it until I started writing this morning. 

When Did It Become March?

Things are so busy right now. I am full of nervous energy and anticipation for what is to come. There is a lot of uncertainty in my life right now, from what kind of career I am about to begin, to what city will I live in, and if I will ever become a parent. I have been really focused on moving forward, and just realized I'm not sure where forward takes us.

I have a photo shoot scheduled next Sunday for my portfolio and my new blog (stay tuned) that I'm really excited about. The weather has turned absolutely beautiful. Between school full time and my part time job I only have a day off if I take a day off, which has been very few and far between for the past three months or so. I am feeling a mixture of blessed, frustrated, and anxious.

It is frustrating in spring to see so much change and big leaps forward and feel that you're moving so slowly. My husband's promotion and our eventual move got put off until further notice because of a job freeze. It hit us pretty hard. He works really hard and is very deserving, and sometimes it is frustrating to see people given so much so quickly without having earned it when I know he has. All of this brings back the same feelings of disappointment that I felt last spring with two failed IUIs under my belt.

In the midst of all that, I feel that I am in a very different place than I was last spring. I'm not sure if it is necessarily a better place, though I think it may be. I'm trying to really stay positive, but unfortunately my experience has taught me that disappointment is around every corner. So I stay cautious, but I have faith that this is the path God wants me on and there will be a great big light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe other people have short lived seasons of quick growth, but I know this slow growth is the kind that lasts.

A Changing Heart

There is so much going on in my husband and my life right now. He is up for a promotion and we may be moving this summer. I am about to start my own business. We are not currently trying to conceive.

We haven't REALLY been ttc since last summer. Some months I still get my hopes up. Maybe it is because I've been insanely busy, or maybe it's because I've been working part time in a children's clothing store, but I'm having a lot of anxiety at the thought of having children. I don't think I can accurately put into writing all of the things that I've been working through, but I will try because there may be one other girl out there feeling the way I am and thinking she's crazy too! :)

I look at parents out shopping with their kids and think to myself how horrible it is that these moms speak to their children and husbands with such disdain. Does having kids mean you will be miserable? Hate your kids, hate your husband, hate your life, get fat and ugly, get divorced and be a single mom? I honestly do not know a single couple that has children that I actually envy. They all seem MISERABLE!

I am not saying that these couples would necessarily have been blissfully happy if they had not had children. I am not saying that I didn't whole-heartedly want a baby for the past three years. I'm not saying that I don't still get choked up over the idea of having a human growing inside of me that looks like a combination of me and my husband. What I'm saying is that I have concerns.

I've never seen myself as the woman who has kids and they become her whole life. I think my husband and I would be great parents and would create a really nice life for a child. I still plan to be myself, have my dreams, enjoy my life with my husband, etc. So will it really be that horrible if we never have children? We are a really happy couple. We've been together for nine years, married for almost six and we're still madly in love.

I guess what I'm saying is that if it is a choice, I would choose happiness and love with my husband over a child I've never met.

This all leads me to wonder if I even belong here anymore (in this world of IF). I appreciate that this is a space where I can think things through. I hope that my thoughts have resonated in others and helped in their journey. But I don't know if IF is something I want to dwell on anymore. I'm not actively trying to have a child like most IF bloggers are, so I don't necessarily need the TWW support. I just don't know if my participation right now brings me back to a place of pain where I no longer want to be. But at the same time, there is something in the back of my mind telling me as I type that there will be a time in the future when I will need this again.

I prayed to God that if this is not the right time for us that He would remove the desire from my heart, and it seems as though He has. So I'm just waiting and trusting that when/if the desire to have a child comes back, it will be His time. Until then, I will be here supporting all of the courageous women who are navigating the world of IF, and praying that you get all of the desires of your hearts.

Silence

I know I've been MIA. I have been trying to be silent and just listen to God. I have a lot to share, but I'm still gathering words. Big changes are coming, I can feel it. Right now I'm just trying to stay super focused, but soon I will share more.

Sending baby dust to all of you and lots of love. xoxo

Trying to Make Myself Feel Better

I turn 26 and my husband turns 30 in about 4 months...and I'm FREAKIN OUT! I know, I know, we're still young and blady blady blah. I just never thought when we got married that we would be the ages we are and not have kids. So I'm trying to cope with the idea that I may not become a mom until I'm 30.

Last night I ran into a customer that I used to help about six years ago when I was working at Limited Too. Her daughter is now 12 and she has a 1 year old baby girl. What I did not know is that six years ago when I was dressing her 6 year old little girl, she was fighting the infertility battle. She told me the story of six years of trying to have another child, countless treatments, shots, and traveling to other states to see the best infertility doctors in the country. Not one of them was able to get her to ovulate!!! Finally, two years ago she was sitting at the pool and watching women chase their young children around decided that she wasn't really interested in having any more children at 31 years old. So she and her husband decided that he would get a vasectomy. He made an appt, but missed it because of a work emergency. He rescheduled. He missed that appt because he got into a car accident on the way to the appt! Six months later, she got sick on vacation and once she got home she decided to take a pregnancy test. It was positive! She dismissed it because it was such an old test. She took two more tests before she could believe that it was true! She said it was really hard to accept because she had come to terms with the fact that she had the perfect life with her husband and daughter and she was terrified because of her age. The pregnancy was extremely difficult and she really didn't ever believe that it would end in a healthy baby, so when she took her baby girl home from the hospital she hadn't prepared at all.

On one hand this comforts me (to the fact that it's never too late for a miracle), and on the other it terrifies me (that she said it was so much harder to be in her 30s with a baby). I really really really wanted to be a young mom. So I found this little article about some studies that say it is better to wait until 30 to have children. Check it out HERE! And I'm trying to really be mindful about my thoughts on the subject and keep an open mind to the fact that it may be okay that I may not become a mother in my 20s.

Prayers

I've put a lot of the plans that I had for my life into God's hands in the past year. I decided that I have no control over many things anyway, so I just pray that God will give me peace. Yesterday, I knew AF would be coming (I started spotting) after a really long week of "teases" and I started praying that God would give me peace. I prayed that He would keep me from the pain, give me clarity and make my will match His.

I have to say that when I started my period today I was nothing but slightly annoyed. I'm not saying that my period is of the utmost importance to God when He is going through prayers, but just that there is peace in giving difficult times to God.

Today I'm asking for His forgiveness for being bitter and angry and doubtful. Some days are really crappy on this journey, but I trust that the future holds great things for my life. I trust that this is not all there is. I trust that one day I will be a mom.

That Bitch Hasn't Shown Up Yet

I still have not started my period. I track my cycles on my phone and since July 2010 I have not had a cycle longer than 35 days with an average of 33 days. Today was day 35. I am nauseous, boobs still sore, skin horrible, bloated, hungry, etc. No cramps, I thought I saw a tiny bit of pink earlier on the toilet paper. I AM SO FREAKING ANNOYED!

I don't know how fertiles do it, but every time I have the tiniest hope that I may be pregnant, I obsess over it every second of the day. I think about how I will tell everyone. I think about the next nine months. I invision maternity clothes. I think about whether or not we will want to know the sex of the baby. I OBSESS! And to know that all of this obsessing is probably for nothing and I will get my period tomorrow is almost more than I can take.

All day I have just been praying and asking God to not let me sit here and hope and be miserable any longer if I'm not pregnant. And if I am pregnant that it will be a healthy baby. It just isn't fair to get my hopes up and to drag it out. It makes it so much worse. I'm just praying that If I'm not pregnant I will start my period by tomorrow morning, if not I guess I will take another test (I freaking hate seeing that stupid lonely line).

P.S.You guys have left me the sweetest and most encouraging messages that I've really needed this week, so thank you sooo much!!!!! xoxo