It's Only Okay If I Say It!!

You know how when you're younger if you say your mom is a total hag for not letting you go out with your friends it's okay, but if your friend was to say the exact same thing, you would get defensive. I think IF is the same way for me right now. There are a couple of things a fertile should never say to an infertile:


1. Everything happens for a reason (Really?? Tell that to the women who have had multiple miscarriages...they'll kick you in the teeth!)


2. Maybe you're just not ready (Oh, and you were more ready when your husband was cheating on you and you suddenly got pregnant so you decided to get back together? I see.)


Yet I find myself saying these exact things to myself.


Though I have good and bad days, I have to say that I never could have imagined a year ago (or even 6 months ago) that I could be so happy right now. I look at what is happening in my life and I truly believe that God has a plan for me that is so much more than I can imagine! I got to visit London and Paris last year. I graduated Cum Laude with my bachelors degree. I am following my dream to be a hair stylist. In the next three months I will be completely out of credit card debt. My husband and I are closer than ever. I'm writing and learning to make pottery and practicing yoga. I am filling my life with creativity and joy and experiences that I could not have imagined. I have learned so much about myself and created space for peace in my life. I am saving and planning for a trip to Italy next year. And this all happened while ttc. Maybe a baby doesn't fit into all of that? Maybe God knew something I didn't? Maybe everything happens for a reason? Maybe I'm just not ready? Maybe all of this will prepare me to be a wonderful mother?


I am not telling you that it doesn't still hurt that I am childless. It doesn't take away what I've been through the past three years. It's not like I've covered the hurt with a little bandage and I now suddenly realize that everything will be fine and I no longer need to worry about my future. It certainly doesn't mean that I no longer want to be a mother. Of course I do. It is just that I am reconciling my pain with logic and deciding to believe that there is a plan for my life. 


The pain is a big part of the plan, but so is the joy. I really think that I have discovered this peace by taking control of my thought process. Every time negative thoughts or worries about IF start to seep into my mind, I don't let them consume me, I just shut them down and remind myself that if God wants me to have a baby He will give me one. Either way there is nothing I can do about becoming a mother right now, so worrying about it makes no difference. So I just have to trust God. 


Finally I want to educate you with a few things from Tati's blog Connecting The Dots that fertile friends/family members can say to offer support.

1. "I'm so sorry this is happening to you, life is so unfair "
2. "I am here if you need to talk" (Note: and really mean it)
3. People can listen without promising (Oh, don't worry, you'll get pregnant)
4. "I'm sorry, this must be so hard"
5. People can still keep inviting IF'ers to family/social events. Even if they say no every time. Keep the invites coming. Eventually they will be in the right place to attend. It makes them feel less isolated.
6. Close friends could remember things the person likes such as purse shopping, sea salt chocolate, hiking, etc and use those to help pick them up when they are having rough days. When depressed it is hard to remember the things you love.
7. "I am sorry you are having a bad time and are going through this. Is their anything I can do to help? Anything you need" (Note: Because after miscarriage/failed tx, they could use someone to help walk their dog or do a load of laundry)
8. "I can't imagine how hard that must be."
9. "I'm so sorry, if you need anything please let me know."
10. "I hope it happens for you soon."

I am just praying that this positive attitude and spirit of peace last!!!!!!