Whats Going On?????

After a big fat Clomid disappointment in April, Brett and I decided to take a month off from the fertility game. I realize that "game" makes light of this situation and implies some fun to be had. Nevertheless I had one month left in my undergraduate program and felt that finals mixed with family coming for my graduation was more than enough stress without adding Clomid craziness. I have to admit, taking a break from crazy Clomid Kendra makes me very hesitant to start back again. Today is day 1 of this cycle and we have our first appointment with the RE in two weeks. I'm just anxious about what his plan will be and whether or not he will recommend something different for us. I feel like I am at the point where I am beginning to lose hope. If not hope, then will.  I want to be a mother more than anything, but I have to wonder when it has already taken so much, if it is meant to be. I look at some of our married friends who have children and they take the kids for granted and have miserable marriages. I know that each relationship is different and it is not necessarily the fact that they have children that has made a mess of their marriages, but Brett is the most important person in my life and I have been worrying lately if God is trying to tell us something. Maybe He is helping us to build a stronger foundation so that we can have a lasting marriage. Brett thinks that my finishing school will take some stress off my plate and we will suddenly get pregnant. He is the eternal optimist, but I have my doubts. I DON'T THINK STRESS HAS A DARN THING TO DO WITH IT!!!!

Back In The Game...Or At Least I Thought I Was

So after about two days of being down in the dumps I got a phone call from my mom telling me that she started researching and found a RE where I live and he takes my insurance. I have been seeing an OBGYN and thought that the only RE in my area was six hours away. So I spoke to the woman in his office and she said that I would have to do 3-4 IUIs before moving on and it would take a while for us to get an appointment with the RE. So we faxed them our insurance info and called our OBGYN to do another round of Clomid and IUI. Unfortunately, I was supposed to ovulate on Thursday and it never happened. Instead, I started spotting on Friday. I also got a phone call from the RE's office to let me know that they couldn't read my insurance card off the fax (that I sent two weeks ago) and they needed me to fax it again. So now I'm sitting here with insane mood swings and ridiculous acne for no reason what so ever, and deciding whether or not I want to do this bs again next month or to take a break. What also goes into this decision is the fact that I am graduating from college with my bachelors degree next month. Do I want to be a crazy acne ridden freak during finals and graduation pictures? Hmmm not so much. I just hate to feel like I've wasted a month when we have now been trying to have a baby for TWO YEARS!!!!

Days Like These...

I took a hpt this morning when I woke up (12dpo), bfn. I got ready for work and went on with my day as usual. At 4:45pm my boss calls me to tell me about a customer complaint, and it broke me. I cried all the way home for work. It wouldn't have bothered me nearly as much on any other day, but to have someone insinuate that you are a bad person on a day when you are already feeling really horrible about yourself is more than I could take. So there I am thinking "maybe I really am a bad person. what good do I actually do? maybe thats why God won't give us a baby. maybe thats why my best friend abandoned me three years ago without an explanation. why does my mother-in-law hate me? maybe I'm just a self-absorbed bitch. maybe I don't even deserve a baby. why is my husband even with me?" Okay so I know I'm being irrational and overly emotional, but it is hard not to feel like there is something wrong with me. Why can everyone else around me get pregnant at the drop of the hat and not me??? It must be my fault. I either have something to change or something to learn. Its really hard when everyone around me is telling me its me to think that its not me. Even when people say that I'm too stressed and thats why I'm not getting pregnant, still my fault. My body, my stress, my infertility story. I feel like it is unfair for me to even ask for a baby. That I should just be happy that I have a wonderful husband who loves me and shut up! But then I think, ya know no one is perfect. I'm trying to be the best person that I can, and why shouldn't God's grace apply to me?

11dpo

Still obsessing over symptoms and anxious. Took a test yesterday, BFN :(. I got really down about it but I went back to my new fav website and looked at the stats on false negatives at 10dpo, and it made me feel better. All of the symptoms I'm having are making me think that I'm for sure preggers, but it is hard to believe after 24mos of BFNs being BFNs that I could actually be pregnant. I've been exhausted, had headaches, bloated, weird feelings in my tummy, and today my boobs have been sore. The worst thing about early pregnancy symptoms is that they are the same as PMS symptoms! I'm going to test again in the morning...I'll give it until Thursday and then if its neg I'll believe it. I'm praying and praying to see those two pink lines!!!

9dpo

I'm losing my mind! My husband came home from work today telling me all about how a girl he works with cut her hair and its so cute. I cut my hair a month and a half ago and he has had nothing nice to say about my hair cut. So you see what I'm talking about. I could kill him. Its not that I think he likes this girl, its just that I'm an emotional wreck!!! Today I told him I was really sad because I'm probably not pregnant, his response, "if this doesn't work, we will just do IVF". My husband supports me in everything I do and usually his optimism is one of his best attributes, today it was pissing me off! I just want him for once to be as mad as I am about all of this crap! I want him to be anxious and stressed and crying and upset! I understand that it would be a nightmare if we were both a mess and it is the best for him to be the strong one, I'm not completely irrational. But it just feel sometimes like I'm all alone in this. I'm the one who has to feel like a crazy person each month and I'm the one who has to wonder every second of every day if this is the month that I will get a bfp. I'm the one being treated like a science experiment every month! I'm the one that will have to go through the IVF, so sure its fine with him. He doesn't have to shoot himself full of hormones! AGH! Okay, so I love my husband more than anything in the world, but he is just so perfect and so optimistic that when I'm a crazy person, I want to hurt him!

My Favorite New Website

While obsessing over pregnancy symptoms and combing the internet for corroboration, I came across the site: countdowntopregnancy.com. So the great thing about this site is the two week wait symptom recording function that allows you to compare the symptoms you are having with women who were having those same symptoms on that same dpo and got a bfp!! GENIUS! The website also has you log the things you tried during this cycle to conceive which got me to thinking about the laundry list of things that my husband and I have tried over the past two years to help our chances of conceiving. Here it is:
BBT charting
vitex
OPKs
preseed
fertilitea
chinese medicine
acupuncture
aromatherapy
yoga
chiropractic
herbs
vitamins
diet change
clomid
IUI
I believe there may be more, so I'll have to add to this list later, but what a ride this has been! It cracks me up (and then makes me want to hurt them) when people say "oh yeah it took us a while to get pregnant...like six months! Just hang in there and relax and it will happen"...freaking idiots! People say raising children is the hardest thing you will ever do in life, but after this it seems like smooth sailing from here. This is really the most difficult thing I can imagine, other than losing a child. I feel like I'm a crazy woman right now, praying (really begging and pleading with God) for a baby.

One Week Wait

Okay so I made it through the first week without going completely insane, however, I feel like this week is not going to go so easily. I am having so many early pregnancy symptoms and really getting anxious about testing. It brings me back to that place where I want to be optimistic, but I don't want to get my hopes up too high because I'm afraid of that disappointment. I'm really tired and irritable (mostly because of the anxiety). Why can they not make a test to tell if you're pregnant as soon as attachment occurs?? Sooo annoying! This is officially my 24th tww and it has only gotten harder as the stakes get higher. I don't want to test early but I keep seeing all of these posts on ttc pages that say they got a bfp 10dpo...But the thing is if it is negative I won't believe it anyway so what does it hurt? Today is day 7, so tht would mean by Saturday I could get a positive. The other thing going on in my mind is that I really think I may be pregnant this time! But I think I felt like this after our last IUI. And I really can't even wrap my head around what it would be like if I was pregnant. Its like there is this thing that I have dreamed of for so long and because it has alluded me so far, I almost believe it is unattainable. Like its not possible for this amazing thing to happen to me. I can't even picture what it would feel like to see those two pink lines. I can't imagine the joy of telling my family that we are going to have a baby. I can't fathom wearing maternity clothes and having morning sickness and weird cravings (yes I even want all of that)! The thought of going to pick out baby furniture and baby clothes and decorate the room that is just waiting for a baby to inhabit it. Some people believe in visualization, but this all seems so out of reach for me that it is difficult to visualize. And not only that, but painful as well.