Things have finally slowed down enough for me to sit down and write our birth story. It may all seem very technical and I've left some of the emotion out, just to be able to get down the information that I may forget, so forgive me if my tone seems cold.
My due date (Sunday, March 10th) came and went with no baby in sight. I was barely dilated to a 1 and not really even having contractions. That Tuesday, I noticed when I was getting ready for bed that I had a rash on my stomach. I had gotten a couple of heat rashes recently, so I thought it was the same thing. I woke up in the middle of the night itching so bad I couldn't sleep. I tried cool wash cloths and googled what else may work on a heat rash. I tried Witch Hazel, powder, lotion, ice packs, everything I could think of. Wednesday, I went to work and the rash was so uncomfortable I could hardly function, so I called the doctor. The nurse said that I could try Hydrocortisone cream or Aveeno oatmeal lotion. I left work and got both, didn't really help. I knew I had a doctor's appointment on Friday, So I decided to give it another day and see if the lotions started to help. Thursday was miserable. I hadn't had a good night's sleep since Tuesday and was starting to get really exhausted (40+ weeks pregnant, still working on my feet, rash, no sleep). I was really starting to worry that if I went into labor after no sleep and being so exhausted, I wouldn't be able to do it!
Friday came and I went to the doctor at 11am. The first thing she did was check my cervix (still only at a 1) and then looked at the rash. She had another doctor come look at it for a second opinion. They both agreed that it could be a heat rash, but they weren't sure and they said there really wasn't much they could do until the baby was born and that just having him would most likely get the rash to go away. She mentioned that there are rashes that you can get during pregnancy that can cause a still birth, which really scared me. My doctor suggested that she go ahead and induce me. My birth plan was to go completely natural and I had told her I wanted nothing to do with Pitocin, so I was very concerned about an induction, however, at this point I was so miserable that I agreed. My husband was at work an hour and a half away so I called him and told him to head home and started texting all of our close friends and family to let them know the baby was coming soon! I went home to get my bags and everything together and waited for my husband to get home. He came home and it seemed like he was taking forever to get his things ready to go and I was very ancy. He went to unplug his cell phone charger from the wall and smacked his head on our bedframe and started bleeding! Seriously?!? Now I have to worry that he may have a concussion or need stitches? This is about me and my impending pain!! LOL. So finally, we got everything gathered (I called my mom for help packing the last minute things in my bag so I wouldn't forget anything) and we headed to the hospital.
Once we got to the hospital I assumed things were going to move very quickly but I didn't know what exactly to expect. The nurse came in and had me undress and get into bed and then went over all of the hospital information and my birth plan with me. I had to have an IV of antibiotics because I was Strep group b positive. That stuff burns like crazy, but doesn't last long. I had no idea what to expect because an induction was nowhere in my plans, but I assumed I would be promptly given Pitocin. When my doctor came in, however, she gave me three options (none of which included Pitocin!!). The first was a foley bulb (she said this was the most aggressive and would be pretty painful but required no drugs) the other two were medicine (one was a stick that goes into your cervix to dilate it, and the other I don't remember). She left and gave us a few minutes to decide, and since my husband leaves all decisions involving my body to me, I called my mom for help (she used to work for La Leche League and has assisted in numerous births not to mention having 4 children of her own). She, however, had no clue about any of these methods, so she said to do what I thought was best. She did tell me though not to let them break my water unless I was dilated to at least a 5 or 6.
So I decided to go aggressive and chose the foley bulb. The nurse had never seen this method, so she was very intrigued. It was basically a water balloon that they place in your cervix and then fill with water. The pressure causes the cervix to dilate and as it does, the balloon drops until you're dilated to about a 6 and then it falls out. First let me say that I was very nervous because she said it would be pretty painful, but I felt no more pain than a pap smear. About an hour in, I started having extremely mild contractions. After three hours, I was still texting friends, talking to my mother in law who had come to visit before things got crazy, laughing, thinking, "Wow, this is no big deal!" The only gross thing was that when I would get up to go to the bathroom, blood was leaking out of the bulb tube and down my leg (little did I know that was nothing compared to the blood bath I was in for). After four hours, the on call doctor (who I had seen at my 38 week appointment and fully trusted) checked the bulb. She pulled that sucker right out (kinda hurt but not bad at all). She said that I was dilated between a 5 and 6 and wanted to know if I was okay with her breaking my water. I remembered my mom's instructions and told her to go for it! It didn't hurt, but I was not at all prepared for the amount of water that came out!!!! Geez Louise it was a freaking monsoon!!! I had heard conflicting reports from other women that it would be anywhere from a slow leak to feeling like you peed your pants. This was more than I expected and for some reason I was really surprised at how warm it was. Either way, my water was broken and GAME ON!!!
Another thing I should mention is that they were doing intermittent monitoring for the first half of labor so I wasn't constantly hooked up to machines and could get up and go to the bathroom and such. I did have an IV that was giving me fluids that had to go with me, but that was no big deal. It was very nice to have that freedom in the early stages of labor. Not to mention the fact that the baby hated the monitor and was kicking the crap out of me where it was placed! Also, once you're admitted, you're no longer allowed to eat, but they did bring me popsicles :).
Okay, so had I gone into labor naturally, I would not have let them break my water, but because I was induced and furiously trying to avoid Pitocin, I decided to do it so that my labor would keep progressing. Holy crap did things change once my water broke. The contractions quickly got stronger and longer to the point that after about an hour I was grabbing onto the side of the bed moaning/screaming during each contraction. My husband was watching the monitors and waiting for each contraction. The only thing I can say is that I had absolutely no frame of reference for that type of pain. People say it's like cramps and I think I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but WOW! So I'm trying to breathe through each contraction and I could feel when it was letting up and kept saying "Okay, I've got this" as the pain would ease. Until it got to the point that I started begging for drugs!! I remember thinking that I had no idea how long this would go on and it could be hours and hours (I was only dilated to a 7) and I didn't know how much worse it would get and I was really really scared! The nurse offered me a couple of options, I could get the epidural or use IV drugs to take the edge off. At this point, I think I was delirious from the pain because I never in a million years would have made this decision again, but I asked for the IV drugs and I think my husband was just feeling so helpless because I was in so much pain that he agreed. I don't even remember what they gave me, but I do know that the second she gave it to me, the baby's heart rate dropped and I started getting very sleepy! They moved me onto my side and the baby's heart rate picked back up. And the drugs did "take the edge off" but only very briefly and once it wore off (only about 45 min later) I wanted more!!
The thing about the IV drugs that puts you in a really tough spot is that while they do take the edge off, it is only very brief and you then you need more. And in retrospect, I wonder if taking them then made the contractions seem so much worse when they wore off. Either way, I had to wait until it had been an hour and then they gave me another dose. This time it only lasted 30 minutes. At this point I was dilated to an 8. My husband was feeding me ice chips because my mouth was so dry and I kept feeling like I was going to puke (not sure if that was from the drugs or labor), but I never did. The nurse (I really hated her) kept making me move from one side to the other which was making the contractions so much worse, but the baby was not in the right position. Another nurse came in and put a fan blowing on me and was helping me breathe (she was a wonderful older woman and made me feel like my mom was there). But at this point I was so tired and the contractions were so bad that I was begging for more drugs. My husband briefly left the room and said they were coming back to bring me more drugs and when the nurse came in I asked if they gave them to me and he said, "Yes!" I didn't find out until later that they didn't really give me anything because it wasn't really working anyway!
By this time, I was feeling a really strong urge to push during contractions. The on call doctor came in to check me and said I was at a 9 and I told her I really needed to push. Something I should mention is that you're laying in a bed and don't know if you're peeing, leaking amniotic fluid, pooping or bleeding and you really don't care! I had a towel between my legs and was on my side and a pad underneath me and I just knew fluids were leaking out of me during contractions though I don't know what. Anyway, she told me I could go ahead and push during contractions, but these weren't productive pushes. She gave me some numbing shots down there (not sure where) and soon my doctor showed up. I don't really think I was dilated to a 10, but they started getting everything ready for delivery. At this point, I was having a completely out of body experience. I think there were 3-4 nurses, the doctor and my husband in the room. There was one nurse on my right and my husband on my left and they told me to grab onto my legs and push. I definitely wasn't doing it right, so they told me to hold my breath and push as hard as I could into my bottom. They would wait for a contraction and then count as I pushed. I really didn't expect how difficult pushing would be!! There came a point where I really wasn't sure that I could do it! The doctor had me touch the top of his head at one point and it really gave me hope that it was nearing the end. The doctor told me that she could cut me and he would be out, but I told her I didn't want that. I remember my husband looking at me and saying "You need to push really hard, he's almost out". I got this surge of strength and decided this was it, I was going to just do it and be done and the doctor told me later that I yelled, "This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever done!" and pushed him out.
To be continued...
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Saturday, March 23, 2013
New Life
Our little man came into the world on 3/16/2013! He is absolutely perfect and healthy and the happiest baby I've ever seen. I'm writing this and anxiously watching him in his basinette (as I'm sure all new moms do). I have so many things that I want to tell you about the last bits of pregnancy and my childbirth experience, but I don't really have the words just yet. And at the same time, I want to write it before I forget. What I will say right now is that I cannot believe that God has seen fit to give us this magical little being to raise. I want to pinch myself every day because it seems so surreal and I seriously feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
40 Weeks Pregnant!
At 37 weeks, he was breach and there doctor told me that the following week if he was still breach, she would schedule a C-Section for 39 weeks. I have this vision of a natural birth that I really want and the idea of a Cesarean was very daunting. For some reason, I feel like if I have a C-Section and this is the only baby I have that I will have never gotten to experience childbirth and I just can't imagine that's how my infertility story ends. I did yoga every day (3 times a day for 10 min) and one night, I felt some major movement. My stomach still looked really wonky when I went in for my 38 week ultrasound, so I figured we would definitely be scheduling a C (I already wrote out a Cesarean birth plan and everything) and even the ultrasound tech said, "Yup, that looks like a breach belly!" But to both of our surprise, our little guy had turned!! It was strange because I had really set in my mind that it would be okay if I had to have a C because all that matters is that he's healthy and it could be fun to know exactly when he's coming (plus the fact that at this point I'm sooo ready to not be pregnant anymore!) but hopefully things will go according to plan and I will get to have the natural birth that I want!
Here I am, 40 weeks pregnant, just waiting for little man to decide he's ready to come. Call me crazy, but I have no desire to be induced (which is apparently the norm thing to do these days), so we're just waiting it out. I've only been dilated to a 1 and 25% effaced for the last three weeks, but I go back tomorrow to see if we've made any progress. I'm soooooo ready to get this show on the road, but at the same time, I want our little guy to come when he's ready.
I will keep ya'll posted. Until then, you can go check out some of my maternity photos on my beauty blog.
xoxo
Here I am, 40 weeks pregnant, just waiting for little man to decide he's ready to come. Call me crazy, but I have no desire to be induced (which is apparently the norm thing to do these days), so we're just waiting it out. I've only been dilated to a 1 and 25% effaced for the last three weeks, but I go back tomorrow to see if we've made any progress. I'm soooooo ready to get this show on the road, but at the same time, I want our little guy to come when he's ready.
I will keep ya'll posted. Until then, you can go check out some of my maternity photos on my beauty blog.
xoxo
Friday, February 1, 2013
34 Weeks!
As we hit each milestone, I'm absolutely amazed that this is all really happening. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you girls out there struggling with infertility. My heart still breaks for the girl that I was two years ago crying over all those negative pregnancy tests. I'm really uncomfortable and tired at this point and my pregnancy has not been just butterflies and sunshine, but it's thinking of her and all of you that makes me strong every day. I know that there is nothing to complain about because I am capable of so much more than the world gives me credit for. I know this because I learned so much about myself during this whole journey from infertility to pregnancy. And I pray every day that you will all make it to the light at the end of the tunnel (however that may be for you).
I have to say, it is very strange going from someone who constantly felt disconnected from her body to someone who was surprised by the miracle performed in her body and finally to someone who's body has been completely taken over by another being. There were about three months that I felt really good and like I had that wonderful pregnancy glow, but at this point in the experience I find that I'm just like everyone else. Ready for pregnancy to be over and hold this little baby in my arms and to have my body back. I used to fear that I would never get to experience pregnancy and now it's the fear of giving birth that I'm trying to overcome. I want to trust that my body knows what to do (since it got me this far) and do everything au natural, but it is a bit daunting with everyone and their dog opting for an epidural or a c-section. I don't sleep at night because I have so many latent concerns and anxieties that I'm not even aware of during the day (plus the 5lbs of joyful kicking and wiggling in my belly). I think the biggest thing for me though is not knowing exactly when the day will come. Part of me wants him to come soon and for the waiting to be over, but the practical side of me knows that the longer he stays in my belly the healthier he will be, and we've already waited this long, what's another 6 weeks! And when I think about it like that, I'm nothing but excited! Excited to meet our miracle. Excited to be a mom.
Meanwhile, my SIL had another MC recently (her second). So it's been very strange to be on the other side of things and be the one trying to be sensitive since I'm huge and pregnant and she is not. I want to say everything that no one said to me. To empower her. And mostly to support her. But it's difficult to find the right words. Everything seems condescending. So I just keep telling her how impressed I am with her strength and that I love her and I'm here if she wants to talk or has ugly things she wants to say but feels like she can't since I'm sure I've thought all the same things. And I'll say the same to all of you. I am so eternally impressed with your strength and I will be sending you my love and praying for peace in your hearts.
I have to say, it is very strange going from someone who constantly felt disconnected from her body to someone who was surprised by the miracle performed in her body and finally to someone who's body has been completely taken over by another being. There were about three months that I felt really good and like I had that wonderful pregnancy glow, but at this point in the experience I find that I'm just like everyone else. Ready for pregnancy to be over and hold this little baby in my arms and to have my body back. I used to fear that I would never get to experience pregnancy and now it's the fear of giving birth that I'm trying to overcome. I want to trust that my body knows what to do (since it got me this far) and do everything au natural, but it is a bit daunting with everyone and their dog opting for an epidural or a c-section. I don't sleep at night because I have so many latent concerns and anxieties that I'm not even aware of during the day (plus the 5lbs of joyful kicking and wiggling in my belly). I think the biggest thing for me though is not knowing exactly when the day will come. Part of me wants him to come soon and for the waiting to be over, but the practical side of me knows that the longer he stays in my belly the healthier he will be, and we've already waited this long, what's another 6 weeks! And when I think about it like that, I'm nothing but excited! Excited to meet our miracle. Excited to be a mom.
Meanwhile, my SIL had another MC recently (her second). So it's been very strange to be on the other side of things and be the one trying to be sensitive since I'm huge and pregnant and she is not. I want to say everything that no one said to me. To empower her. And mostly to support her. But it's difficult to find the right words. Everything seems condescending. So I just keep telling her how impressed I am with her strength and that I love her and I'm here if she wants to talk or has ugly things she wants to say but feels like she can't since I'm sure I've thought all the same things. And I'll say the same to all of you. I am so eternally impressed with your strength and I will be sending you my love and praying for peace in your hearts.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Half Way There!
I really can't believe I'm 5 months pregnant! I know I keep saying it, but I still feel like someone is going to pinch me and I will wake up! My belly has officially popped and it is the strangest thing to look in the mirror and realize something that I've been dreaming about for so long is actually happening. The puking has finally subsided, though I'm still taking Zantac for acid reflux.
The baby is super wiggly and it's so awesome when my husband gets to put his hand on my belly and feel him move!! We are focused heavily on determining a "for sure" name, which is proving to be very difficult. I think we're going to register for our baby shower tomorrow, so I hope to be less overwhelmed this trip than I was the first time we went to Buy Buy Baby (all of those stroller options really stressed me out!!)
I have to say, I'm really excited, but every moment of this is so weird. Maybe it's because it doesn't all look like I thought it would. This isn't what I pictured my life to look like when I was pregnant. But I think it never really is what we imagine it to be. And I think it's actually going to end up being better!!
The baby is super wiggly and it's so awesome when my husband gets to put his hand on my belly and feel him move!! We are focused heavily on determining a "for sure" name, which is proving to be very difficult. I think we're going to register for our baby shower tomorrow, so I hope to be less overwhelmed this trip than I was the first time we went to Buy Buy Baby (all of those stroller options really stressed me out!!)
I have to say, I'm really excited, but every moment of this is so weird. Maybe it's because it doesn't all look like I thought it would. This isn't what I pictured my life to look like when I was pregnant. But I think it never really is what we imagine it to be. And I think it's actually going to end up being better!!
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Quite a Week
It has been quite a week for us. We went for our first ultrasound (at 19 weeks) on Tuesday and...IT'S A BOY!!! It's so crazy to think that there is a little baby boy growing in my belly. My in-laws are throwing us a reveal party on Saturday, so until then, we aren't telling anyone our little secret. We're going to do a balloon release, I will post pictures soon.
They also saw from the ultrasound that my placenta is really close to my cervix, which I've never heard of before but apparently can be just fine. The concern is that if everything doesn't move up (right now the baby is still really low) by the time the baby is born, the placenta could deliver first, so I would have to have a C-section. So the doctor said no sex for at least the next four weeks. It was funny because the nurse laughed when she said it (because my husband always gives her such a hard time) so he couldn't tell if she was being serious or not. She was. Lol.
The most exciting part may very well be that I felt the baby move for the first time this week!! I think I've felt it before, but wasn't sure because of all of the stomach issues I've been having. But this time was for sure! It felt like little bubbles popping in my abdomen. So strange and surreal. I had my husband put his hand on my tummy later that day so he could try to feel it too! He's started talking to the baby and paying lots of attention to my belly now. It's all very real now!
So then for the not so good news, my husband lost his job today. His job is the reason we moved. The reason we left our house (which still hasn't sold) and my entire family to start a new life. It is really hard to understand why this has happened, but I trust that there is purpose in it. I feel like God used that job to get us down here and He has plans for us here. It's funny because my husband and I had just been talking about taking leaps of faith and living the kind of life that has purpose. Maybe the leap of faith was moving and now God is going to take us to the next step. Of course the thought has crossed my mind that we could just go back. I had built a great clientele where we lived before and we still have a house and family there. But now that I'm pregnant and have a good job and insurance here, I don't think it would make sense to leave. I really believe that everything happens for a reason and even though it's hard, it makes the most sense for us to stay. I'm excited for the potential for my husband to find a job he really loves...but I hope it happens fast!
So for now, I'm getting ready for the big reveal and staying hopeful for the future. I know that I should not be discouraged because of sufferings which will be our glory, and I know that God can deliver us from hardship. But even if this road is long and difficult, I will still follow Him. We've been in tough places before and He's always seen us though. This just adds to the long testimony that is my life and always choosing faith and hope over negativity.
I've been really sick this week (I'll tell you about all that later) and I'm definitely feeling like pregnancy is taking its toll on my body, so I'm going to try to take some time for myself to do some yoga and really relax my body so it can do what it knows how to do.
Never a dull moment!!! xoxo
They also saw from the ultrasound that my placenta is really close to my cervix, which I've never heard of before but apparently can be just fine. The concern is that if everything doesn't move up (right now the baby is still really low) by the time the baby is born, the placenta could deliver first, so I would have to have a C-section. So the doctor said no sex for at least the next four weeks. It was funny because the nurse laughed when she said it (because my husband always gives her such a hard time) so he couldn't tell if she was being serious or not. She was. Lol.
The most exciting part may very well be that I felt the baby move for the first time this week!! I think I've felt it before, but wasn't sure because of all of the stomach issues I've been having. But this time was for sure! It felt like little bubbles popping in my abdomen. So strange and surreal. I had my husband put his hand on my tummy later that day so he could try to feel it too! He's started talking to the baby and paying lots of attention to my belly now. It's all very real now!
So then for the not so good news, my husband lost his job today. His job is the reason we moved. The reason we left our house (which still hasn't sold) and my entire family to start a new life. It is really hard to understand why this has happened, but I trust that there is purpose in it. I feel like God used that job to get us down here and He has plans for us here. It's funny because my husband and I had just been talking about taking leaps of faith and living the kind of life that has purpose. Maybe the leap of faith was moving and now God is going to take us to the next step. Of course the thought has crossed my mind that we could just go back. I had built a great clientele where we lived before and we still have a house and family there. But now that I'm pregnant and have a good job and insurance here, I don't think it would make sense to leave. I really believe that everything happens for a reason and even though it's hard, it makes the most sense for us to stay. I'm excited for the potential for my husband to find a job he really loves...but I hope it happens fast!
So for now, I'm getting ready for the big reveal and staying hopeful for the future. I know that I should not be discouraged because of sufferings which will be our glory, and I know that God can deliver us from hardship. But even if this road is long and difficult, I will still follow Him. We've been in tough places before and He's always seen us though. This just adds to the long testimony that is my life and always choosing faith and hope over negativity.
I've been really sick this week (I'll tell you about all that later) and I'm definitely feeling like pregnancy is taking its toll on my body, so I'm going to try to take some time for myself to do some yoga and really relax my body so it can do what it knows how to do.
Never a dull moment!!! xoxo
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Still Feeling Like an IF
Every day I go to sleep and wake up thinking, "Who's life is this?" Who's apartment? Who's baby? Because I can't understand how I got here and it's so unbelievable. I think it's really hard to go from feeling so disconnected from your body for so long to a blissful pregnant woman. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled with the miracle growing in me and I thank God every moment of the day that He created it. It's just all very surreal.
Part of it may be that I'm still so sick. Everyone tells me that after the first trimester I will start feeling better...I'm at 16 weeks! I'm not really complaining about being sick, because it's mostly just annoying to puke all day long. It just, again, makes me feel like an infertile playing the part of a pregnant woman and my body, again, isn't cooperating! It makes me feel like my body is saying, "See! I told you pregnancy wasn't my thing, but did you listen, noooooo!" and on top of that I already feel like I'm screwing things up as a mom because I'm not getting the nutrition I need and doing all of the perfect things I'm supposed to be doing while pregnant. Instead, I'm eating whatever I can keep down, not drinking enough water, and taking chewable prenatals because I puked every time I opened the regular ones. I just wanted this for so long, I want to do everything right!
At our 15 week OB appt, the doctor said she thinks it's acid reflux that is causing all of the puking, so she told me to take 150mg of Zantac twice a day along with a prescription anti nausea medication every 8 hrs (ondansetron 8mg) to see if that helps things. It's hard for me because I don't take medicine for anything short of infection, but I trust her and she seems to really understand, so I'm giving it a shot!
My mom asks me every day if I've felt the baby move yet...nope, not really sure, could be gas?!? Clearly, I've never done this before so I have no idea what is normal and what isn't! To be perfectly honest, every time we go to the Dr., I half expect for her to tell us it's not a baby but a tumor and this was all a big joke! But we're still here. 16 weeks. A real miracle!
I'll keep you updated on this IF's adventures in fertile land! I'll be praying that you all join me very soon!!!!
xoxo
Part of it may be that I'm still so sick. Everyone tells me that after the first trimester I will start feeling better...I'm at 16 weeks! I'm not really complaining about being sick, because it's mostly just annoying to puke all day long. It just, again, makes me feel like an infertile playing the part of a pregnant woman and my body, again, isn't cooperating! It makes me feel like my body is saying, "See! I told you pregnancy wasn't my thing, but did you listen, noooooo!" and on top of that I already feel like I'm screwing things up as a mom because I'm not getting the nutrition I need and doing all of the perfect things I'm supposed to be doing while pregnant. Instead, I'm eating whatever I can keep down, not drinking enough water, and taking chewable prenatals because I puked every time I opened the regular ones. I just wanted this for so long, I want to do everything right!
At our 15 week OB appt, the doctor said she thinks it's acid reflux that is causing all of the puking, so she told me to take 150mg of Zantac twice a day along with a prescription anti nausea medication every 8 hrs (ondansetron 8mg) to see if that helps things. It's hard for me because I don't take medicine for anything short of infection, but I trust her and she seems to really understand, so I'm giving it a shot!
My mom asks me every day if I've felt the baby move yet...nope, not really sure, could be gas?!? Clearly, I've never done this before so I have no idea what is normal and what isn't! To be perfectly honest, every time we go to the Dr., I half expect for her to tell us it's not a baby but a tumor and this was all a big joke! But we're still here. 16 weeks. A real miracle!
I'll keep you updated on this IF's adventures in fertile land! I'll be praying that you all join me very soon!!!!
xoxo
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Our 11 Week Dr Visit (revisited)
I totally forgot to tell you guys about our 11 week OB visit!! It was a total nightmare!
First, I puked in the car on the way there. Then the nurse (not my regular nurse, but some hot mess) gets the doppler out and can't find a heartbeat. She says that doppler gives her trouble and tries another. Still no heartbeat. At this point I'm just praying over and over in my head and trying to hold back the tears. All the while the image of Jennifer Aniston in "Marley and Me" when she goes for her 11 week visit is flashing through my head. Not only was she at the same point in her pregnancy as me, but they couldn't find the hb with the doppler and move on to the sonogram to find that there is no hb and the pregnancy is not viable. The nurse leaves to get the doctor and at this point I was hysterical! My husband held my hand and I just started praying. The doctor rushes in with the sonogram machine and says "no tears no tears" and immediately finds video of my wiggly little 11 week old baby!! I cannot even explain how it felt to see that there was not only a tiny little being in me with a heartbeat and all but that its little arms and legs were flailing about!!!! Such a miracle.
Then the stupid nurse came back and had a ridiculous time taking my blood that included her dropping the blood vial on the floor, having my husband pick it up, it not working, blaming my husband, having him hold the needle in my arm while she left to get a new vial, and leaving a huge knot in my arm. And I puked in the car some more...
But I didn't really care, because all I needed was to see that little baby!
I guess many women have had a similar experience, but part of me just chalks it up to being an infertile masquerading as a pregnant woman!!
First, I puked in the car on the way there. Then the nurse (not my regular nurse, but some hot mess) gets the doppler out and can't find a heartbeat. She says that doppler gives her trouble and tries another. Still no heartbeat. At this point I'm just praying over and over in my head and trying to hold back the tears. All the while the image of Jennifer Aniston in "Marley and Me" when she goes for her 11 week visit is flashing through my head. Not only was she at the same point in her pregnancy as me, but they couldn't find the hb with the doppler and move on to the sonogram to find that there is no hb and the pregnancy is not viable. The nurse leaves to get the doctor and at this point I was hysterical! My husband held my hand and I just started praying. The doctor rushes in with the sonogram machine and says "no tears no tears" and immediately finds video of my wiggly little 11 week old baby!! I cannot even explain how it felt to see that there was not only a tiny little being in me with a heartbeat and all but that its little arms and legs were flailing about!!!! Such a miracle.
Then the stupid nurse came back and had a ridiculous time taking my blood that included her dropping the blood vial on the floor, having my husband pick it up, it not working, blaming my husband, having him hold the needle in my arm while she left to get a new vial, and leaving a huge knot in my arm. And I puked in the car some more...
But I didn't really care, because all I needed was to see that little baby!
I guess many women have had a similar experience, but part of me just chalks it up to being an infertile masquerading as a pregnant woman!!
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Almost 15 Weeks!
Life has been completely crazy in the past 5 weeks! I got a new job, moved to a new city (leaving my unsold house behind) and am currently living in a one bedroom apartment with my husband and three dogs. Who knew?? I look at the girl I was a year ago and can't really even wrap my brain around how I got here. But I have to say, I'm really happy. About 90% of the day, I'm happy. I'm so glad I get to be with my husband again. I like my new job (I have insurance and paid maternity leave...praise God!). And I'm still pregnant!
I've still been sick. Every day. Everyone says it will get better after the first trimester, but I'm here to tell you that that may not always be the case. It's so worth it though (obviously). And I'm glad I'm no longer sick and alone and can torture my husband so he understands what I'm going through! Hehe. What's funny is that he has made two purchases at the Motherhood Maternity store now and I have made zero! One was for preggy pops (they don't work) and the other was today for a belly band. My pants are just a bit too snug at this point to where they're uncomfortable to button. Anyway, today when he checked out he got a little pacifier as a gift with purchase...and let me tell you that we have not bought one singe baby item at this point. We really haven't even looked at any baby things. Not because we're superstitious or we had doubts, but because of our current living situation. We're hoping our house will sell soon and we can get into a new house before the baby is born. Ah, well if I've learned anything in my life that God's plan will come to fruition no matter how much I worry about it, so I just pray and trust that He's got it covered. The point of this story is to say that apparently when my husband saw our little gwp, he teared up a little. I think that now that I'm here with him, it's all becoming really real...
I've still been sick. Every day. Everyone says it will get better after the first trimester, but I'm here to tell you that that may not always be the case. It's so worth it though (obviously). And I'm glad I'm no longer sick and alone and can torture my husband so he understands what I'm going through! Hehe. What's funny is that he has made two purchases at the Motherhood Maternity store now and I have made zero! One was for preggy pops (they don't work) and the other was today for a belly band. My pants are just a bit too snug at this point to where they're uncomfortable to button. Anyway, today when he checked out he got a little pacifier as a gift with purchase...and let me tell you that we have not bought one singe baby item at this point. We really haven't even looked at any baby things. Not because we're superstitious or we had doubts, but because of our current living situation. We're hoping our house will sell soon and we can get into a new house before the baby is born. Ah, well if I've learned anything in my life that God's plan will come to fruition no matter how much I worry about it, so I just pray and trust that He's got it covered. The point of this story is to say that apparently when my husband saw our little gwp, he teared up a little. I think that now that I'm here with him, it's all becoming really real...
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
I Don't Know Much
I don't know much about being pregnant (I've never done it before), but I'll let you in on the things I've learned in the first 10 weeks:
1. The mommy guilt begins early! I'm already dealing with feelings of guilt because I'm not eating the most perfectly healthy things for my baby. Hey, I've been sick! I have the best of intentions, but I have to eat whatever I can stand to swallow. I'm not going to punish myself for not following a perfect diet. My baby will get the nutrients it needs and once I start feeling better, I will start eating better.
2. It's okay to complain (a little). I feel like because I've wanted a baby for so long, I really shouldn't complain about how tired and sick I am. I remember hearing pregnant women complain and thinking, "Duh! Of course you don't feel great, you're growing a human!" and now that I'm growing a human of my own, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna complain a bit. And I'm going to let myself, because I'm not going to punish myself anymore. Not for being an infertile turned fertile, not for being lucky and blessed to have an amazing husband and be pregnant, not for anything! I'm going to enjoy every second that I can of this pregnancy and if I don't feel well I'm going to take the sympathy as it comes (even if it's only from my hubby!). Because let me tell you, I am really sick and tired! LOL
3. The world isn't going to stop for nine months because I'm suddenly pregnant. I'm not gonna lie, I thought there should be a parade (or balloons at least) when we announced our pregnancy! Much to my dismay, it just wasn't so. Yes, everyone was really excited and supportive for a couple of weeks, but now it's pretty much calmed down. And to top things off, my sister just announced she is engaged and getting married New Years Eve in Vegas (obviously I won't be going because I'll be 7mos pregnant by then). Yeah, when the first born announces her engagement, it kinda trumps your piddly old pregnancy...thanks for stealing my thunder sis!
4. Paranoia! I don't know if it's the fact that I'm living alone for the first time in my life right now or all of those episodes of 48hrs and Law & Order coming back to haunt me, but I'm seriously paranoid! I'm afraid of all of the things that could happen to me and the statistics about pregnant women being harmed. But it's not just that, until the past couple of days, every time I felt a twinge in my tummy, I would run to the bathroom expecting to see blood. I think it's just the infertile in me, still in disbelief that this is happening.
5. A few tips for the sickness: ginger, fire jolly ranchers, hot water with lemon and a spoonful of apple cider vinegar (for acid reflux).
6. I'm already getting a tiny lil pooch! I was admittedly very thin before I got pregnant, so the tiny baby (about the size of a lime) in my tummy is already showing! Not to anyone else, but just to me! And I absolutely love it! Though my clothes do not :) I promise if I start taking bump pics I will post them on a separate page so you can look if you want to and not if you don't! My husband doesn't want to photograph it yet because he thinks it's too small and people will just think I already had this pooch!! Haha.
7. Although none of the above sounds very glamorous, I WAKE UP EVERY DAY FEELING SO HAPPY AND SO LUCKY THAT I HAVE A GROWING BABY IN MY BODY! I know that my infertility story has not been nearly as difficult as a lot of you out there. I thank God that I've never miscarried like many of you have had to go through. Many of you went through many more IUIs than I did and even several rounds of IVF. I know how lucky I am. And I don't forget it. Every second of every day I'm thanking God and praying that this baby will be healthy, happy, and love God.
And I'm praying for all of you out there who are still fighting the good fight! I know what you're feeling and how difficult it is to be strong in the face of infertility, but I know that you are stronger than you know, and I pray that God will wrap you in His arms and be your strength when you have none left. xoxo
1. The mommy guilt begins early! I'm already dealing with feelings of guilt because I'm not eating the most perfectly healthy things for my baby. Hey, I've been sick! I have the best of intentions, but I have to eat whatever I can stand to swallow. I'm not going to punish myself for not following a perfect diet. My baby will get the nutrients it needs and once I start feeling better, I will start eating better.
2. It's okay to complain (a little). I feel like because I've wanted a baby for so long, I really shouldn't complain about how tired and sick I am. I remember hearing pregnant women complain and thinking, "Duh! Of course you don't feel great, you're growing a human!" and now that I'm growing a human of my own, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna complain a bit. And I'm going to let myself, because I'm not going to punish myself anymore. Not for being an infertile turned fertile, not for being lucky and blessed to have an amazing husband and be pregnant, not for anything! I'm going to enjoy every second that I can of this pregnancy and if I don't feel well I'm going to take the sympathy as it comes (even if it's only from my hubby!). Because let me tell you, I am really sick and tired! LOL
3. The world isn't going to stop for nine months because I'm suddenly pregnant. I'm not gonna lie, I thought there should be a parade (or balloons at least) when we announced our pregnancy! Much to my dismay, it just wasn't so. Yes, everyone was really excited and supportive for a couple of weeks, but now it's pretty much calmed down. And to top things off, my sister just announced she is engaged and getting married New Years Eve in Vegas (obviously I won't be going because I'll be 7mos pregnant by then). Yeah, when the first born announces her engagement, it kinda trumps your piddly old pregnancy...thanks for stealing my thunder sis!
4. Paranoia! I don't know if it's the fact that I'm living alone for the first time in my life right now or all of those episodes of 48hrs and Law & Order coming back to haunt me, but I'm seriously paranoid! I'm afraid of all of the things that could happen to me and the statistics about pregnant women being harmed. But it's not just that, until the past couple of days, every time I felt a twinge in my tummy, I would run to the bathroom expecting to see blood. I think it's just the infertile in me, still in disbelief that this is happening.
5. A few tips for the sickness: ginger, fire jolly ranchers, hot water with lemon and a spoonful of apple cider vinegar (for acid reflux).
6. I'm already getting a tiny lil pooch! I was admittedly very thin before I got pregnant, so the tiny baby (about the size of a lime) in my tummy is already showing! Not to anyone else, but just to me! And I absolutely love it! Though my clothes do not :) I promise if I start taking bump pics I will post them on a separate page so you can look if you want to and not if you don't! My husband doesn't want to photograph it yet because he thinks it's too small and people will just think I already had this pooch!! Haha.
7. Although none of the above sounds very glamorous, I WAKE UP EVERY DAY FEELING SO HAPPY AND SO LUCKY THAT I HAVE A GROWING BABY IN MY BODY! I know that my infertility story has not been nearly as difficult as a lot of you out there. I thank God that I've never miscarried like many of you have had to go through. Many of you went through many more IUIs than I did and even several rounds of IVF. I know how lucky I am. And I don't forget it. Every second of every day I'm thanking God and praying that this baby will be healthy, happy, and love God.
And I'm praying for all of you out there who are still fighting the good fight! I know what you're feeling and how difficult it is to be strong in the face of infertility, but I know that you are stronger than you know, and I pray that God will wrap you in His arms and be your strength when you have none left. xoxo
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Coming Out
I feel like today was my coming out party! I had told my close friends and family that we're pregnant, but I hadn't announced it to the world (or Facebook :P). The people that are really close to me know what my husband and I went through with IF, but the acquaintances did not. And no one knows about this blog. I really wanted to make my Facebook post meaningful and expressive of what we've been through because I don't know who else is going through it. I remember every time one of my FB friends got pregnant I would immediately hide them! Not because I was not happy for them but because I knew what was to come...my baby is the size of an orange! We're having a boy/girl! Today I puked! etc.
This is what I wrote: 4 years ago my husband and I decided we wanted to start a family. A year and a half later we turned to acupuncture, herbs and clean living. When all else failed, we sought infertility treatment. After over a year of treatment for unexplained infertility and 2 failed IUIs, we decided to forgo further treatment and to instead give it to God and trust that He would fill the desire in our hearts to be parents. A year later, God has created an overnight miracle in our lives and we’re going to have a baby! Thank you so much for all of the love and prayers you have all sent our way! Words cannot express the joy that we’re feeling right now!
It has been a really emotional day and all of the kind words and well wishes that people are pouring out mean so much to me. It's like God is just wrapping me in His arms and telling me it's my time and now I can just breathe!
This is what I wrote: 4 years ago my husband and I decided we wanted to start a family. A year and a half later we turned to acupuncture, herbs and clean living. When all else failed, we sought infertility treatment. After over a year of treatment for unexplained infertility and 2 failed IUIs, we decided to forgo further treatment and to instead give it to God and trust that He would fill the desire in our hearts to be parents. A year later, God has created an overnight miracle in our lives and we’re going to have a baby! Thank you so much for all of the love and prayers you have all sent our way! Words cannot express the joy that we’re feeling right now!
It has been a really emotional day and all of the kind words and well wishes that people are pouring out mean so much to me. It's like God is just wrapping me in His arms and telling me it's my time and now I can just breathe!
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Almost 8 Weeks!
Two days ago we got to experience something that I hadn't thought possible for a long time. We got to see our baby's heartbeat!!! And hear it too! I seriously think part of me was waiting for the doctor to look around in there and say it was all a fluke and there was no baby...but there was! The second I saw that little flicker of a heartbeat, I knew this was real. This is really happening!
Part of me doubted I would ever get to experience pregnancy, and now here I am, almost 8 weeks! I ate a banana today and (for the first time) immediately puked it back up! Best puke ever!!!! Lol.
I'm now the girl that if you come across my blog for the first time you're inspired and annoyed at the same time because you can look at all that I've been through with infertility and see that for me there was an endpoint, but also because I'm that annoying biatch that stopped trying and got pregnant. So you're welcome and I'm sorry all at once. I love you girls so much and could have never gotten here without your kind words, support and being able to relate to your journeys, so thank you!
And just a little tid bit, but my new OB is an IF too. Married for ten years and a couple of failed IVF cycles, so keep her in your prayers too! We all think it's bad being IF in a world of Fertile Mertles, I can't imagine how she must feel every day!!!
Part of me doubted I would ever get to experience pregnancy, and now here I am, almost 8 weeks! I ate a banana today and (for the first time) immediately puked it back up! Best puke ever!!!! Lol.
I'm now the girl that if you come across my blog for the first time you're inspired and annoyed at the same time because you can look at all that I've been through with infertility and see that for me there was an endpoint, but also because I'm that annoying biatch that stopped trying and got pregnant. So you're welcome and I'm sorry all at once. I love you girls so much and could have never gotten here without your kind words, support and being able to relate to your journeys, so thank you!
And just a little tid bit, but my new OB is an IF too. Married for ten years and a couple of failed IVF cycles, so keep her in your prayers too! We all think it's bad being IF in a world of Fertile Mertles, I can't imagine how she must feel every day!!!
Sunday, July 22, 2012
How Did This Happen Anyway?
I've been off birth control for a little over 3 years. I did about a year of natural/holistic ttc and 9 mos of IF treatment (over a period of a year). I consider myself infertile. And yet, I'm pregnant! I've done nothing different. NOTHING! I haven't visualized this happening and believed it into existence. In fact, for about a year now I hadn't believed that I would ever get pregnant myself (especially not naturally) and had assumed that our road would be filled with more treatments and possible adoption. I had almost accepted that I was happy without children and maybe I would never be a mother. I never thought I would get to see those two pink lines. NEVER! I am really a little pissed that I'm now a part of the annoying statistic that "when you stop trying you'll get pregnant" so I wanted to write this post for you women that are still out there ttc.
I do not believe for one moment that it was because we stopped trying that we got pregnant! I think that had we made another decision and continued with treatment we would have gotten pregnant that way too. I think it is more about timing. We each have to do what we feel comfortable with. I do think our decisions on treatment matter, but we all know that there is an aspect of this that is out of our control. Why when all of the analyses look perfect does an IUI not work? I have no freaking clue! The only thing that I can tell myself is that it wasn't the right time.
I feel like there is nothing more painful than going through this feeling like you're doing everything you possibly can and you still aren't pregnant. Nothing! I just don't want you girls out there to think that there is some way that it is your fault that you aren't pregnant right now and I am (because I've been there and felt that). I know you women have faith. I know you trust the Lord. Pursuing treatment does not negate that! You do what is right for you!
So finally, all I can figure is that this was God's time to create a miracle in our life and that this will all be to glorify Him. Who knows, maybe it simply took 3 years for my body to recover after 6 years of birth control? I have no idea how in the heck this happened, but I'm cautiously optimistic and praising God for the miracle that is right now growing in me. And as always, I am praying that all of you strong, faithful, patient women will get to experience that same miracle in your lives very soon.
I do not believe for one moment that it was because we stopped trying that we got pregnant! I think that had we made another decision and continued with treatment we would have gotten pregnant that way too. I think it is more about timing. We each have to do what we feel comfortable with. I do think our decisions on treatment matter, but we all know that there is an aspect of this that is out of our control. Why when all of the analyses look perfect does an IUI not work? I have no freaking clue! The only thing that I can tell myself is that it wasn't the right time.
I feel like there is nothing more painful than going through this feeling like you're doing everything you possibly can and you still aren't pregnant. Nothing! I just don't want you girls out there to think that there is some way that it is your fault that you aren't pregnant right now and I am (because I've been there and felt that). I know you women have faith. I know you trust the Lord. Pursuing treatment does not negate that! You do what is right for you!
So finally, all I can figure is that this was God's time to create a miracle in our life and that this will all be to glorify Him. Who knows, maybe it simply took 3 years for my body to recover after 6 years of birth control? I have no idea how in the heck this happened, but I'm cautiously optimistic and praising God for the miracle that is right now growing in me. And as always, I am praying that all of you strong, faithful, patient women will get to experience that same miracle in your lives very soon.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
6 Week Update
We are at 6 weeks now and doing okay. Still spotting, but only brown, and my doctor said that as long as I'm not soaking through a pad or anything it's okay. I've been trying to stay off my feet as much as possible just to be safe. My HCG levels on Saturday were 3600 and on Monday 6100 so that's good. It is starting to sink in a little bit that this may actually be happening!
Our first official doctor appt will be next Friday in the city to which we are moving (that's a whole other story), and I can't wait to see that lil heartbeat.
I think I'm still shocked. It is beginning to sink in little by little every day, but it is still so unbelievable. God has really created a miracle!
Thank you for all of your prayers and words of encouragement (they mean so much to me). I will keep you updated.
Our first official doctor appt will be next Friday in the city to which we are moving (that's a whole other story), and I can't wait to see that lil heartbeat.
I think I'm still shocked. It is beginning to sink in little by little every day, but it is still so unbelievable. God has really created a miracle!
Thank you for all of your prayers and words of encouragement (they mean so much to me). I will keep you updated.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Spent the Day In the ER...
Yesterday I was having some brown spotting which kinda freaked me out, but I looked it up online and everyone said it was okay unless it was red and cramping. This morning I was at school and went to the bathroom and there was red in the toilet. I freaked out, got my instructor and my friend and told them (sobbing) what was going on. My friend called her mom who is a nurse and she said I needed to call my mom and go to the ER. I hadn't told my mom yet because I wanted to tell the whole family at once. So I called her. My friend took me to the ER and my mom met us there. I got some blood work done and a regular and pelvic sonogram. By this time there was no bleeding. They said there was a gestational sac implanted but it was too soon to see a heartbeat if there was one. So they got a base HCG level and I have to get more blood work Monday to make sure it is progressing normally.
I'm totally freaked out. Every twinge in my stomach, every spot, everything! I'm freaked out bc I don't know if there is even life in there. My mom said she bled with me and everything was fine.
I also found out that I am RH- so I got a shot for that.
I have like 40 hrs of school left and was supposed to finish on Friday, but idk what I'm going to do because I have to be on bed rest. I already spoke with my boss and told her I can't work tomorrow. The doctor said I need to just take it easy and relax. I'm still having brown spotting and maybe a tiny bit of cramping.
My mom went and got me groceries and I'm trying to relax and take care of myself, but I'm scared. And my husband isn't here. That's what made everything extra difficult today. I just hate that he isn't here for me to lean on. And the fact that our lives are so crazy right now and I may have a picky lil baby growing in me is concerning. You hear about these women who are pregnant and just do it all so I assumed that I would be fine. Maybe along with everything else in my life it just isn't going to be that easy!
Please pray that there is a healthy growing baby inside me and that this too shall pass and everything will be perfect!!!! Hopefully I will know more this week and I will update you all.
I'm totally freaked out. Every twinge in my stomach, every spot, everything! I'm freaked out bc I don't know if there is even life in there. My mom said she bled with me and everything was fine.
I also found out that I am RH- so I got a shot for that.
I have like 40 hrs of school left and was supposed to finish on Friday, but idk what I'm going to do because I have to be on bed rest. I already spoke with my boss and told her I can't work tomorrow. The doctor said I need to just take it easy and relax. I'm still having brown spotting and maybe a tiny bit of cramping.
My mom went and got me groceries and I'm trying to relax and take care of myself, but I'm scared. And my husband isn't here. That's what made everything extra difficult today. I just hate that he isn't here for me to lean on. And the fact that our lives are so crazy right now and I may have a picky lil baby growing in me is concerning. You hear about these women who are pregnant and just do it all so I assumed that I would be fine. Maybe along with everything else in my life it just isn't going to be that easy!
Please pray that there is a healthy growing baby inside me and that this too shall pass and everything will be perfect!!!! Hopefully I will know more this week and I will update you all.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Day 2 and Still Shocked
I still cannot believe that I woke up yesterday morning like every other time I've taken a pregnancy test and it was positive! I took the OPK first and it was super positive (5:22 am). So I got back in bed and thought to myself that my body was probably freaking out and I was just ovulating. I told myself "How many times has your body freaked out and ovulated at a weird time? And how many times have you actually been pregnant? You aren't pregnant!" I laid in bed for an hour. Then I got up and took two old pregnancy tests that I had (one expired last month and the other was a bit older). They were instantly positive! Instantly! When I dipped the first one in the cup it was just like every other time and I have to say I could not believe my eyes when it turned positive! I thought I was dreaming!
Since my husband is living 6 hours away, I called him immediately! He didn't answer. So I called again and he answered half asleep. I think he thought he was dreaming. He kept saying he was waiting for his alarm to go off and to wake up. I was sobbing uncontrollably! As soon as he realized he wasn't dreaming, his immediate concern was that I tell no one. Between 3+ years of ttc and his sister's early miscarriage last year, I could tell he was really scared.
I had to go to school and I decided that I would tell only my school bff about the news. She cried, I cried. I have no idea how I made it through the day yesterday. It was like everything was the same except I was pregnant!
I feel like I have this huge secret that I want to scream from the rooftops but the IF part of me knows we are far from the safe zone.
I can't wait to get past the scared part and get to the excited part!!!!
Since my husband is living 6 hours away, I called him immediately! He didn't answer. So I called again and he answered half asleep. I think he thought he was dreaming. He kept saying he was waiting for his alarm to go off and to wake up. I was sobbing uncontrollably! As soon as he realized he wasn't dreaming, his immediate concern was that I tell no one. Between 3+ years of ttc and his sister's early miscarriage last year, I could tell he was really scared.
I had to go to school and I decided that I would tell only my school bff about the news. She cried, I cried. I have no idea how I made it through the day yesterday. It was like everything was the same except I was pregnant!
I feel like I have this huge secret that I want to scream from the rooftops but the IF part of me knows we are far from the safe zone.
I can't wait to get past the scared part and get to the excited part!!!!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
6 Days Late and Dreaming
Last night I woke up having a dream that I was holding tiny twin baby girls in my arms. My husband was making bottles and they just kept sucking them down left and right. I was looking at them like I look at my puppy. They were so tiny and sweet and I felt unconditional love for them. What's weird is I really don't remember ever dreaming about baby girls. I always dream about baby boys. And never twins.
I don't know why but some months just get to me more than others. Some months AF comes and goes without a thought and some months (like this one) it seems like everything makes me think of the possibility of being pregnant. I have a rule that I can't take a pregnancy test until I'm 7 days late. I just dug through my bathroom drawer stash of fertility stuff and found that I have about 10 expired pregnancy tests and a couple of unexpired ovulation tests. (Apparently those work as pregnancy tests too.)
Ugh, I hate the pull of this. I hate who it makes me. I hate the fear. It all seems very surreal. Every time.
I've stopped counting the months. We've stopped trying. I haven't given up hope though.
If only there was a rule (like in the movies) that if your period was late, that meant you're pregnant. Unfortunately my body likes to play games.
I don't know why but some months just get to me more than others. Some months AF comes and goes without a thought and some months (like this one) it seems like everything makes me think of the possibility of being pregnant. I have a rule that I can't take a pregnancy test until I'm 7 days late. I just dug through my bathroom drawer stash of fertility stuff and found that I have about 10 expired pregnancy tests and a couple of unexpired ovulation tests. (Apparently those work as pregnancy tests too.)
Ugh, I hate the pull of this. I hate who it makes me. I hate the fear. It all seems very surreal. Every time.
I've stopped counting the months. We've stopped trying. I haven't given up hope though.
If only there was a rule (like in the movies) that if your period was late, that meant you're pregnant. Unfortunately my body likes to play games.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Wouldn't That Be A Kick In The Pants!
My period is 3 days late (not abnormal at all), but every month that I'm even a day late without spotting I think this could be the month! Wouldn't that just be a kick in the pants for all the people who say that I just need to calm down and not be so stressed and "it will happen"!?!?!
I've seen my husband a total of 2 times this month, I'm going to school 40+ hrs a week and working 20, I'm trying to sell my house and find a job in another city...stressed, party of 1!!!
Anyway, I'm sure that little red devil AF will show her face soon enough, but wouldn't it be great to get those two little lines and say SEEEEE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH STRESS BIATCHES! IT HAS TO DO WITH GOD'S TIMING AND NOTHING ELSE! SO SUCK IT! :)
Haha, one can dream!
I've seen my husband a total of 2 times this month, I'm going to school 40+ hrs a week and working 20, I'm trying to sell my house and find a job in another city...stressed, party of 1!!!
Anyway, I'm sure that little red devil AF will show her face soon enough, but wouldn't it be great to get those two little lines and say SEEEEE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH STRESS BIATCHES! IT HAS TO DO WITH GOD'S TIMING AND NOTHING ELSE! SO SUCK IT! :)
Haha, one can dream!
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Worst Blogger Ever
I feel like I am the worst blogger ever right now!!! In my defense, I am trying to sell my house, finish school, move to a new city, find a job, and find a new house. All the while, for some reason, I am completely fixated on the idea of having a baby. Not on having a baby so much, but on the "when we will have a baby" timeframe. It seems like all of this change (and turning 26) has kicked my biological clock back on. I had been at peace for a few months about the idea that this isn't our time, so I can't help but think that once we move and get settled in it may become our time.
I think maybe it is the house hunting that has forced me to think about the prospect of children. Not that any IF ever really shuts that completely off. But when you're buying a house you think, "Hmmm, what will we use this room for?" and all of those feelings begin to flood back. I really thought that when we bought our current home, it would be the place we would bring our baby home from the hospital to. And now, who knows. So do you buy a house with a child in mind that you are no closer to than when you purchased your last house?
My husband traded in his truck for a car this weekend and when he was test driving a ridiculous little sports car (that he LOVED :x), all I could think was, "Where the heck would we put a baby car seat in this car??" Needless to say, I vetoed the car right away and we came to a compromise on another vehicle. So as I said, I know I am the worst blogger ever. I have tons to say, but too many things going on right now to sit down and type them. I will try to keep you guys posted on new developments, and know that I am keeping all of you in my prayers. xoxo
I think maybe it is the house hunting that has forced me to think about the prospect of children. Not that any IF ever really shuts that completely off. But when you're buying a house you think, "Hmmm, what will we use this room for?" and all of those feelings begin to flood back. I really thought that when we bought our current home, it would be the place we would bring our baby home from the hospital to. And now, who knows. So do you buy a house with a child in mind that you are no closer to than when you purchased your last house?
My husband traded in his truck for a car this weekend and when he was test driving a ridiculous little sports car (that he LOVED :x), all I could think was, "Where the heck would we put a baby car seat in this car??" Needless to say, I vetoed the car right away and we came to a compromise on another vehicle. So as I said, I know I am the worst blogger ever. I have tons to say, but too many things going on right now to sit down and type them. I will try to keep you guys posted on new developments, and know that I am keeping all of you in my prayers. xoxo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)