Days Like These...

I took a hpt this morning when I woke up (12dpo), bfn. I got ready for work and went on with my day as usual. At 4:45pm my boss calls me to tell me about a customer complaint, and it broke me. I cried all the way home for work. It wouldn't have bothered me nearly as much on any other day, but to have someone insinuate that you are a bad person on a day when you are already feeling really horrible about yourself is more than I could take. So there I am thinking "maybe I really am a bad person. what good do I actually do? maybe thats why God won't give us a baby. maybe thats why my best friend abandoned me three years ago without an explanation. why does my mother-in-law hate me? maybe I'm just a self-absorbed bitch. maybe I don't even deserve a baby. why is my husband even with me?" Okay so I know I'm being irrational and overly emotional, but it is hard not to feel like there is something wrong with me. Why can everyone else around me get pregnant at the drop of the hat and not me??? It must be my fault. I either have something to change or something to learn. Its really hard when everyone around me is telling me its me to think that its not me. Even when people say that I'm too stressed and thats why I'm not getting pregnant, still my fault. My body, my stress, my infertility story. I feel like it is unfair for me to even ask for a baby. That I should just be happy that I have a wonderful husband who loves me and shut up! But then I think, ya know no one is perfect. I'm trying to be the best person that I can, and why shouldn't God's grace apply to me?

11dpo

Still obsessing over symptoms and anxious. Took a test yesterday, BFN :(. I got really down about it but I went back to my new fav website and looked at the stats on false negatives at 10dpo, and it made me feel better. All of the symptoms I'm having are making me think that I'm for sure preggers, but it is hard to believe after 24mos of BFNs being BFNs that I could actually be pregnant. I've been exhausted, had headaches, bloated, weird feelings in my tummy, and today my boobs have been sore. The worst thing about early pregnancy symptoms is that they are the same as PMS symptoms! I'm going to test again in the morning...I'll give it until Thursday and then if its neg I'll believe it. I'm praying and praying to see those two pink lines!!!

9dpo

I'm losing my mind! My husband came home from work today telling me all about how a girl he works with cut her hair and its so cute. I cut my hair a month and a half ago and he has had nothing nice to say about my hair cut. So you see what I'm talking about. I could kill him. Its not that I think he likes this girl, its just that I'm an emotional wreck!!! Today I told him I was really sad because I'm probably not pregnant, his response, "if this doesn't work, we will just do IVF". My husband supports me in everything I do and usually his optimism is one of his best attributes, today it was pissing me off! I just want him for once to be as mad as I am about all of this crap! I want him to be anxious and stressed and crying and upset! I understand that it would be a nightmare if we were both a mess and it is the best for him to be the strong one, I'm not completely irrational. But it just feel sometimes like I'm all alone in this. I'm the one who has to feel like a crazy person each month and I'm the one who has to wonder every second of every day if this is the month that I will get a bfp. I'm the one being treated like a science experiment every month! I'm the one that will have to go through the IVF, so sure its fine with him. He doesn't have to shoot himself full of hormones! AGH! Okay, so I love my husband more than anything in the world, but he is just so perfect and so optimistic that when I'm a crazy person, I want to hurt him!

My Favorite New Website

While obsessing over pregnancy symptoms and combing the internet for corroboration, I came across the site: countdowntopregnancy.com. So the great thing about this site is the two week wait symptom recording function that allows you to compare the symptoms you are having with women who were having those same symptoms on that same dpo and got a bfp!! GENIUS! The website also has you log the things you tried during this cycle to conceive which got me to thinking about the laundry list of things that my husband and I have tried over the past two years to help our chances of conceiving. Here it is:
BBT charting
vitex
OPKs
preseed
fertilitea
chinese medicine
acupuncture
aromatherapy
yoga
chiropractic
herbs
vitamins
diet change
clomid
IUI
I believe there may be more, so I'll have to add to this list later, but what a ride this has been! It cracks me up (and then makes me want to hurt them) when people say "oh yeah it took us a while to get pregnant...like six months! Just hang in there and relax and it will happen"...freaking idiots! People say raising children is the hardest thing you will ever do in life, but after this it seems like smooth sailing from here. This is really the most difficult thing I can imagine, other than losing a child. I feel like I'm a crazy woman right now, praying (really begging and pleading with God) for a baby.

One Week Wait

Okay so I made it through the first week without going completely insane, however, I feel like this week is not going to go so easily. I am having so many early pregnancy symptoms and really getting anxious about testing. It brings me back to that place where I want to be optimistic, but I don't want to get my hopes up too high because I'm afraid of that disappointment. I'm really tired and irritable (mostly because of the anxiety). Why can they not make a test to tell if you're pregnant as soon as attachment occurs?? Sooo annoying! This is officially my 24th tww and it has only gotten harder as the stakes get higher. I don't want to test early but I keep seeing all of these posts on ttc pages that say they got a bfp 10dpo...But the thing is if it is negative I won't believe it anyway so what does it hurt? Today is day 7, so tht would mean by Saturday I could get a positive. The other thing going on in my mind is that I really think I may be pregnant this time! But I think I felt like this after our last IUI. And I really can't even wrap my head around what it would be like if I was pregnant. Its like there is this thing that I have dreamed of for so long and because it has alluded me so far, I almost believe it is unattainable. Like its not possible for this amazing thing to happen to me. I can't even picture what it would feel like to see those two pink lines. I can't imagine the joy of telling my family that we are going to have a baby. I can't fathom wearing maternity clothes and having morning sickness and weird cravings (yes I even want all of that)! The thought of going to pick out baby furniture and baby clothes and decorate the room that is just waiting for a baby to inhabit it. Some people believe in visualization, but this all seems so out of reach for me that it is difficult to visualize. And not only that, but painful as well.

Early Pregnancy Symptoms or Just the Flu?!?!

So I am 6dpo and SICK! Yesterday I started having stomach problems (enough said) and then by evening my whole body was aching and my throat was really sore. I woke up this morning truely miserable and called in sick to work. Now, even though I am tired, I can't go back to sleep. My husband is in bed next to me and I'm trying to type quietly so I don't wake him. I, of course, went straight to the blogs to see if these could be implantation symptoms or early pregnancy symptoms. As usual, no clear answers but its definitely possible that I'm FINALLY preggers. Some info said that it is a sign of implantation and most say that it is a good sign that I will get a bpf. I'm being cautiously optimistic...either I'm pregnant, I have the flu, or my husband is slowly poisoning me because I am barren ;P.

Clomid Round 6, IUI Round 2

Okay so I think I had forgotten how nerve-racking this whole thing is. I had so much anxiety on IUI day (CD16). Everything went seemingly well though! I'm quite confused about what his count was this time, but it looked like about 50-60million good ones post wash. The reason I am confused is because I'm pretty sure it was only 9million last time. That is a shocking leap, so idk maybe it was 90million total last time? The doctor said he had about 130million total (motile and nonmotile post wash), so that number sounds really good either way. I know all we need is one good one and it is all about God's timing for us. I think the worst part is the dreaded two week wait! The worst part about the tww is the fact that EVERYTHING that happens with my body I think is a pregnancy symptom! I had hiccups ALL DAY yesterday, and I was just sure it was an early pregnancy symptom! lol. I'm going to try really hard to wait until 14dpo to take a test, so we'll see! It is so hard because I'm a naturally optimistic and hopeful person, but I almost have to make myself not get my hopes up because I am so afraid of having a melt down again if it doesn't work this time. Its like I want to be hopeful because I believe in positive energy, but I don't want to cause myself any extra pain...and on top of it all, this month marks two years that we've been ttc...uuuuggggghhhhh!!

You Again?

Uuuuugh I had forgotten how annoying all of this is! I had gotten so used to being myself again for the past three months that I had forgotten how crazy Clomid makes me. Around CD 9 I turned into an raging biotch.  LOL. The things in everyday life that usually just annoy me, turn me to intense anger. I am not an angry person, but on Clomid, look out! Even when I know that it is my hormones that are making me crazy, I cannot stop it! So that is probably the worst part for the people around me, but the worst part for me is the exhaustion. I have hot flashes at night that keep me awake and horrible nightmares all night. I have woken up every morning this week feeling like someone has roofied me! LOL. Which probably only makes the irritation worse!! I just want to lay in bed all day (and my co workers probably wish I would)! People say that this is what being pregnant is like, so hopefully I'm just preparing. The good news is, we are expecting to do our second IUI on Tuesday, and my hopes are high. I am not feeling any ovulation pain or discomfort yet, so that could go either way. I'm just trying not to read too much into anything and stay positive. My husband is being amazing as usual. He is my rock and keeps me sane (as much as he can)!

Therefore never worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. - Matthew 6:34