IComLeavWe

In honor of my first IComLeavWe week, I wanted to set up a fool proof way to navigate my blog in order to find the posts that best speak to you. The past few months have been mostly about me reconciling the decision that instead of "trying" for a baby, I am going to "try" to find a space for peace in my life. So here are a few of my favorite most recent posts in order from the time the decision was made (8) until today (1):

1. It's Only Okay If I Say It (finding an attitude and spirit of peace)
2. Always Worrying About Tomorrow (changing my thought patterns)
3. Sending Out A Big F-You To Infertility (deciding where to put my anger)
4. 9 Things I Shouldn't Have To Deal With As An Infertile (fun and sarcastic)
5. My Infertility Story All Wrapped Up In A Bow (writing my IF Timeline)
6. Knock On Wood (worrying about whether or not I've made the right decision)
7. Made It Through AF (without calling the doctor to start Femera IUI round 1)
8. Done Fighting (making the decision to go rogue)

If you're interested in how I got to this point, everything before July 2011 tells the tale of realizing IF, taking a natural approach (aromatherapy, acupuncture, herbs, meditation), 6 rounds of Clomid and 2 IUIs (with all the gory details), all of the stupid things that people say, and being pissed off.

I wrote this blog not only to help myself, but to help others as well, so I can't wait to hear how my words encourage/help/effect/touch/inspire/depress(hopefully not) you!

Really? Really?????

The following is nothing but a rant. I have nothing nice to say and unlike my mother always told me, I'm going to say it all!!!! There is no happy ending at this point. No nice bow wrapped around it. There will be no inspirational quote at the end. Sorry, this just is not one of those posts.

It all began last week. I knew that I would be in school from 8:30AM to 1:00PM and at work from 2:00PM to 11:00pm Tuesday through Saturday. I did not, however, know that I would also be sick and all hell would break loose. I started feeling sick Monday night and by Tuesday morning I was miserable. I had a horrible headache, sinus pressure, the whole shabang. And I had a 14 hour day. 5 days in a row. Are you beginning to understand the rant? Oh it gets better!

I am in hair school and not surprisingly at 25 years old, I am one of the oldest students. At the beginning of class on Friday, one girl announces that her period is three weeks late and she's taken 3 pregnancy tests and they were all positive but she doesn't know if she's pregnant. So another girl (18 years old) states that she hates kids. Well she doesn't hate them but she hates when they cry, specifically saying, "I wish there was a surgery that could take the crying and spitting up parts out of the baby" and starts asking everyone about birth control because she's getting married in December. A third girl responds, "Why do you need birth control". 18 year old says, "Because I'm getting married!" Third girl, "I know but that's the whole point of getting married". Me, "Um, not everyone gets married to have children! Not everyone is mean to be a parent!" FUN TIMES!!! So apparently the this girl believes that God's purpose for marriage is to have children. Hmmmm so what is the point of my marriage then huh?? I was pissed! I actually had to get up and leave before I punched these two idiots. I know that I live on the "Bible belt", but the ignorant things that people say never cease to amaze me.

I have no idea how I made it through work on my feet for 14 hours every day but I somehow got to Saturday. I knew that my Sunday was only an 8 hour shift and I was looking forward to it and to Monday off. Unfortunately when I got off work Saturday night I had an urgent message from my mother to call her back. My great grandmother had died.

I feel that continuing without saying a few words about my wonderful great grandmother would leave out a piece of the puzzle. My great grandmother was feisty. She survived the Great Depression, breast cancer, 70 years of marriage, and the death of her soul mate 9 years ago. She was 93 and died peacefully in her own bed. She was kind, compassionate, and generous. She lived a joyful life. She was dearly dearly loved and will be missed by everyone who knew her.

There are two other extremely significant things that happened. I wrote it all out and deleted it because I feel like some stories are impossible to tell. Both things could set back my infertility journey significantly. One has to do with my husband and is therefore not my story to tell. The other is the fact that I may be quitting my job earlier that I had planned and lose my health insurance.

I understand that there are things in my life that I cannot control and that I must learn only to control the way I react to situations. What I do not understand is how I can feel as though I am doing all of the right things and then all of this happens. I seriously feel like I am constantly being shoved back into this state of mind where I cannot figure out the point of it all. Just when I felt like I was getting somewhere and making some real progress...

It's Only Okay If I Say It!!

You know how when you're younger if you say your mom is a total hag for not letting you go out with your friends it's okay, but if your friend was to say the exact same thing, you would get defensive. I think IF is the same way for me right now. There are a couple of things a fertile should never say to an infertile:


1. Everything happens for a reason (Really?? Tell that to the women who have had multiple miscarriages...they'll kick you in the teeth!)


2. Maybe you're just not ready (Oh, and you were more ready when your husband was cheating on you and you suddenly got pregnant so you decided to get back together? I see.)


Yet I find myself saying these exact things to myself.


Though I have good and bad days, I have to say that I never could have imagined a year ago (or even 6 months ago) that I could be so happy right now. I look at what is happening in my life and I truly believe that God has a plan for me that is so much more than I can imagine! I got to visit London and Paris last year. I graduated Cum Laude with my bachelors degree. I am following my dream to be a hair stylist. In the next three months I will be completely out of credit card debt. My husband and I are closer than ever. I'm writing and learning to make pottery and practicing yoga. I am filling my life with creativity and joy and experiences that I could not have imagined. I have learned so much about myself and created space for peace in my life. I am saving and planning for a trip to Italy next year. And this all happened while ttc. Maybe a baby doesn't fit into all of that? Maybe God knew something I didn't? Maybe everything happens for a reason? Maybe I'm just not ready? Maybe all of this will prepare me to be a wonderful mother?


I am not telling you that it doesn't still hurt that I am childless. It doesn't take away what I've been through the past three years. It's not like I've covered the hurt with a little bandage and I now suddenly realize that everything will be fine and I no longer need to worry about my future. It certainly doesn't mean that I no longer want to be a mother. Of course I do. It is just that I am reconciling my pain with logic and deciding to believe that there is a plan for my life. 


The pain is a big part of the plan, but so is the joy. I really think that I have discovered this peace by taking control of my thought process. Every time negative thoughts or worries about IF start to seep into my mind, I don't let them consume me, I just shut them down and remind myself that if God wants me to have a baby He will give me one. Either way there is nothing I can do about becoming a mother right now, so worrying about it makes no difference. So I just have to trust God. 


Finally I want to educate you with a few things from Tati's blog Connecting The Dots that fertile friends/family members can say to offer support.

1. "I'm so sorry this is happening to you, life is so unfair "
2. "I am here if you need to talk" (Note: and really mean it)
3. People can listen without promising (Oh, don't worry, you'll get pregnant)
4. "I'm sorry, this must be so hard"
5. People can still keep inviting IF'ers to family/social events. Even if they say no every time. Keep the invites coming. Eventually they will be in the right place to attend. It makes them feel less isolated.
6. Close friends could remember things the person likes such as purse shopping, sea salt chocolate, hiking, etc and use those to help pick them up when they are having rough days. When depressed it is hard to remember the things you love.
7. "I am sorry you are having a bad time and are going through this. Is their anything I can do to help? Anything you need" (Note: Because after miscarriage/failed tx, they could use someone to help walk their dog or do a load of laundry)
8. "I can't imagine how hard that must be."
9. "I'm so sorry, if you need anything please let me know."
10. "I hope it happens for you soon."

I am just praying that this positive attitude and spirit of peace last!!!!!!

Why you gotta be so mean?

AF came (AGAIN) as expected and here is my message to her, to infertility in general, and to all of the fertiles who don't understand and say stupid S***!!


I know I'm from Texas, but I don't listen to country music. For Taylor Swift I make an exception!


You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again got me feeling like I'm nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I'm wounded
You, pickin' on the weaker man

Well, you can take me down with just one single blow
But you don't know what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides and your wild fire lies and your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don't already see them
I'll walk with my head down trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

I'll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now 'cause you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

And I can see you years from now in a bar, talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion but nobody's listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't [conceive]

But all you are is mean
All you are is mean and a liar and pathetic and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean

But someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean, yeah
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

Someday, I'll be, living in a big old city
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?



Silver lining: This cycle was exactly a perfect 28 days long with only a week of pre menstrual spotting! And AF hasn't been the biatch that she was the past two months! So all in all, I really can't complain...

Kids...

So one of the things that I love so much about kids is the crazy things they say. My mom watches my niece (A), a first grader, during the day while my sister (a single mom) is at work. This is the text I got after she picked up A from school today, enjoy:

Mom: When I picked A up from school this is what she said, "There is this boy and I don't really like him." I asked why and she said, "He blows bubbles with his spit annnd he eats his school supplies." I laughed so hard!

Me: Like he eats paper, glue, chews his pencils, what???

Mom: She said yes to all of the above! Ha. She told him he really should stop if he wants friends. It's just gross.

Me: Hahaha

These are the ridiculous things that only kids say that I feel I am missing out on!! There is a commercial for Tyson chicken nuggets with all of these little kids who say why they don't like certain food and one little boy is so insanely adorable that my husband and I will rewind it and watch it over and over just cracking up. My husband says he wants a "rudey tude little boy", and I know this is why. When I think about having a child that is a mixture of both of our personalities, it reminds me of how much joy a child would bring to our little family and what great parents we would be. And it hurts. I cuddle my puppies and watch them play and I think to myself, "wow, I love these little dogs so much. Imagine how much I could love a child". And it hurts.

Our Idiot Surprise Pregnancy

Last week I wrote a post about things that I shouldn't have to deal as an infertile. Well one of my points was about movies that contain surprise pregnancies, and last night I was sneak attacked by that exact situation.

Our Idiot Brother is a movie about a guy and his three sisters, one of whom is a bisexual and in a lesbian relationship. I feel I must preface my problem with this movie with the fact that I am a huge supporter of the LGBT community. I have grown up around and have many friends/family members who are gay. I just feel the need to point this out to assure you what I am going to say next is directed towards the insensitivity of hollywood not as an attack on the LGBT community. At any rate, the bisexual sister (played by Zoe Deschanel) cheats on her partner with a man and gets pregnant. There is a whole scene where she is breaking open the packet of first response pregnancy tests and peeing on a stick. She then holds the stick up to read the results and says, "F***!!" The following scenes include her saying things like, "What the F am I going to do" and "I've ruined my life".

I am not just pissed that the pregnancy was a surprise to me but also because of the way that pregnancies always seem to be portrayed in movies! Why is there always some kind of unwanted pregnancy that gets reconciled and accepted as a positive thing in the end? Where are the movies about IFs who finally get pregnant after four IUIs and two rounds of IVF and five years of struggling to have a baby? Oh, does that not make good entertainment? America would rather see movies about women coming to accept their unplanned pregnancies?

Furthermore, my husband and I have decided that there are two other topics necessary to every movie we've seen in the past year or so (other than these unplanned pregnancies): gay couples and marijuana use. I understand and totally appreciate hollywood is using movies as a platform for social change and I also happen to support both of these movements, however it would be nice if some other social problems could also be addressed. There has been a movie about a gay couple having children through a sperm donor recently (though I can't remember the name), but what about a straight couple dealing with infertility??? It's always a single Tina Fey or Jennifer Aniston and it's always a comedy and it always ends with a surprise pregnancy! Let's get real!

Melissa reminded us Stirrup Queens this week that:

7.3 million Americans are diagnosed with infertility.  That’s 11.8% of the child-bearing population.  Worldwide, it comes out to be about 10% of the child-bearing population.  It’s not that rare a situation.

I know that infertility is becoming a less taboo subject because of all of the women who are blogging and writing and speaking out about what they have been through, I just wish Hollywood would stand up and take notice that 10% of the adults paying to watch their movies aren't interested in this trend of surprise pregnancy story lines!!!

All I wanted was a nice night out with my husband, and bam a surprise pregnancy and a rant!
C'est La Vie...

Always Worrying About Tomorrow

A friend and I were having a conversation a few weeks ago about all of our irrational worrying and how it causes so much unnecessary stress in our lives. She is a person who stresses about everything as it happens (in the moment stresser) and I am always worrying about what may happen tomorrow or next week or next month or next year. So here I am, about 8 days away from AF (spotting away any tiny hope of a BFP), and I'm worrying about it. What can I possibly do to keep it from coming? NOTHING. Is there anything in my power that will control how horribly incapacitating my cramps are? NO. So why the heck am I worried about it? BECAUSE IT'S WHAT I DO.

I have heard about changing your thought patterns and breaking habits, and I've tried it too, but never really committed to it. So in order to continue seeking the peace that I know is possible for me, I am going to focus on changing my habits. Every time I begin to think that I CAN'T DO THIS, WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF, HOW WILL I REACT, I am going to shut it down and give it to God.

"So never worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:34

“If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry.” - Dalai Lama

Sending Out A Big F-You To Infertility

Warning: I'm ranting and getting a bit personal today, so feel free to skip the BS and go straight to the inspirational part at the bottom :)

I don't usually cuss/curse/swear too often (though it's not like I need to worry about small children hearing me since I have none) but lately I've noticed myself dropping a whole bunch of big F-YOUs! These F-YOUs are not directed towards people, but rather inanimate objects/situations. A couple of weeks ago I kicked a ladder at work and thought I had broken my foot and the words out of my mouth were F-YOU! Every time I see those damn First Response commercials where they talk about your body knowing you're pregnant before your missed period...F-YOU!!!!!! Yesterday, I burned the heck out of my arm on the oven and out came a big F-YOU!! Today, I'm going to the bathroom (TMI ALERT) and looked down at the toilet paper (as we IFs do) and saw spotting (6dpo) and all I had in me was F-YOU!

I know there is no chance of a BFP this month because my husband and I have only been intimate twice (we'll get to that in a bit) and no where near O. Maybe that is how uber-fertile people get pregnant, but not me. Anyway, my point is that I'm not even bothering to kid myself into thinking this could be some kind of infamous implantation bleeding.

So back to all of these F-YOUs...Who the heck am I talking to? Is this some kind of late onset tourettes?? I'm not a particularly angry person (though I do exhibit signs of road rage). Is it possible that I am dealing with some latent anger towards IF (duh)? The problem is that it seems I am not giving the IF the F-YOU, but my own body. It is my body's clumsiness and failure at baby baking that I'm so pissed at. I thought that I was really getting to a place where I could reconcile my mind-body problem, so this seems like quite a setback.

Here's where it gets personal...I would assume that it is very common for IFs to suffer from low self-esteem and to struggle with feeling completely comfortable in a body that has failed us. I am definitely dealing with both! There were very few times this month that I felt good about myself and even fewer that I felt even remotely sexy. I have a wonderful husband who is incredibly understanding, but I still feel bad for not wanting to be intimate. I'm actually a very sexual person, so it's very frustrating for me as well. I think what pisses me off the most about my body is okay, fine, I can't be pregnant right now, but what the heck is with the yeast infections and the spotting?!?! If I am to continue on searching for peace with IF and finding happiness and coping with being childless then I should get to live it up right?!?!?! Instead I get about one week a month that I feel comfortable being intimate with my husband, maybe two if I don't get a yeast infection. That's a pretty big F-YOU to me from my body!!!!

I'm left with these words from the Dalai Lama:
"We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace within ourselves."

So I'm going to start consciously directing my F-YOUs to IF itself and not to my body!!!