Are Those Happy Tears?

I feel like life has been really good for the past couple of months. I'm loving hair school. My husband is wonderful as usual. Things just feel really good right now. And yet, I'm very weepy. It may be a song, a comment, a feeling, anything these days can bring me to tears. Maybe it is the holidays. Maybe they're happy tears.

I know this is a little psychotic, but it is how my mind works, always analyzing everything. But I'm sitting here wondering if I'm trying to really focus on how happy things are so I won't think about the one thing I'm missing and that one thing is where the tears are coming from. Like I've decided to change my mindset and choose happiness, but those feelings of pain and hurt that I'm repressing just bubble up every once in a while.

I'm not sure what to do with this, because I don't know if it's a problem or not. It just seems like if you repress feelings they will eventually come to the surface, and I would rather not have a nervous breakdown! But how many times can you purge the same thoughts over and over? I'm just so old and practiced in punishment, that I'm simply not interested in it anymore. I guess I would rather focus on the happy and not let the one thing I don't have affect how I feel about all of the things that I do.

 So is it just me always waiting for the bottom to fall out of things and I'm freaking out because things are all really good and calm right now?? Geez I wish I wasn't such a freak!!!!

Christmas Cards

I have been getting the cutest Christmas cards in the mail this year. It is one of my favorite things at Christmas time to open up the mail and see all of the pictures and well wishes from friends and family. But at the same time, it makes me feel like a loser for not having sent any out this year...or last year. So I started thinking. Have I not sent out a Christmas card because I've been so busy? Yes. But now that I think about it, the first year that my husband and I were married, we sent out generic Christmas cards. The second year, we sent out an adorable Christmas card with photos of us and our puppies. The next year, we sent out a card with a cute picture of the two of us. And last year, I had dreams of sending out a maternity picture of us excited about expanding our family. That card never happened.

So my question is, is it pathetic at some point as a married couple to keep sending out Christmas cards with pictures of ourselves on them? All of our friends have sent us cards with pictures of their kids and a newly engaged couple sent us a card with a CD of holiday music.  I don't like generic cards, so I like the idea of a photo, but once you have been married for over 5 years, is it just arrogant/creepy to send out a picture of ourselves? I would just feel weird about it.

Clearly I need some new ideas for a creative Christmas card from the two of us. Or maybe I will just wait and hope that next year we will have a baby bump to take a picture of. Sigh.

Here's another option

Paying Old Medical Bills Is Fun

I got a bill in the mail from my IF clinic from July and decided to call the billing office to confirm that it was something I had to pay (we've had problems with their billing in the past). After about 30 minutes, they discovered that I have a $70 credit on my account (after sending me a bill for $28...glad I called). So the man told me that if I will be coming back in they can just leave that as a credit on my account for future visits. I said no, we won't be back anytime soon. 30 minutes later, we were about done with the call and the man said, "So did you end up getting pregnant?" Are you fing kidding me???? I almost lost it. It was just so sad to tell yet another complete stranger, "No, not yet, maybe someday, bla bla bla". His awkward reply was, "Well kids are such a blessing. Mine are all grown, so it's grandkids now". Seriously dude, F U!

P.S. AF came to town...

Do You Have Any Children?

I've been meeting lots of new people lately because I've changed jobs and I'm going to hair school. Getting to know new coworkers, employees, students, instructors, clients. When a new person finds out how long I've been married (five and a half years) the next obvious question is if we have or plan to have kids. I have made the conscious decision to be open about my infertility struggle (the basics and the facts that is, I keep this blog and most of my internal struggle private). So I let them know that we've tried for a while now and that it just hasn't happened for us yet. Then they usually want to know if we've pursued any treatments and I tell them we did for about a year and it didn't work. Finally they say "it will happen when the time is right" and diagnose that I just do too much and "stress really has a lot to do with these things". Then I have to say, "oh, I know! I'm sure we'll get pregnant when the time is right", because no one wants to be the depressing infertile girl.

I'm sure we've all been through this over and over. It just seems like I've been dealing with it a lot lately.

The reason I continue to participate in these conversations is that I feel it is important for me to be honest about our struggle (or as honest as I can be). But I'm not gonna lie to you, it freaking sucks to keep having the same conversation over and over again. It feels good to end the conversation with positivity, but as soon as I state so assuredly that I "know" we'll get pregnant when the time is right, I question it. I don't know that for sure. It is what my husband tells me all the time. It is what I tell others all the time. I just don't know that I believe. After three years, it just isn't that easy to believe.

Mark This Under: Things I Couldn't Do Pregnant

About a month ago I was asked to be a model in a hair/fashion show. This is something I would not have been asked if I was pregnant. God must have known that I needed the self esteem boost.

First, they hardly changed my cut or color because they thought it was perfect as it was. Then, when I went in for my fitting, the store didn't have pants small enough to fit me so I had to end up wearing my own jeans. Finally, the show was last night and I found out that because all the store had to fit me was a very underwhelming red dress, I would be dripping in diamonds (7 pieces to be exact) and wear a gigantic ruby and diamond ring. As the girl was covering me in jewels she told me, "Just so you know, you're the most beautiful girl here". I'm not gonna lie, as a 25 year old 5'7" infertile surrounded by 18-20 year old 6' tall girls, this made me feel pretty damn good.

In other venues this would sound like I'm bragging about how hot I am. But I know that you all know me well enough from my previous posts to know that this is just my way of looking at the glass half full. ie. if I was pregnant (or recently gave birth) lets face it, I'm not Giselle and no one would have asked me to do this.

So I'm going to just go ahead an mark this under: another experience I got to have because I'm childless.

Thanksgiving

I have been really emotional this week and I think it must be the holidays. The holidays always make me think about where I was on that day the previous year....and this past year has been a complete roller coaster ride.

Last November, we had our fourth round of Clomid and our first failed IUI. I was living in a hotel room last year for the holidays, working in a town two hours away from home. My husband and I spent Thanksgiving alone together because I was having a lot of trouble dealing. After three more rounds of Clomid, and one more failed IUI in March, I was pretty broken. In May, I graduated from college. In June, we sought help from a RE. And by August, I decided to go rogue and ditch our IF treatment plan all together. That decision put me onto a path that I can't fully explain. I started hair school and quit my job of five years. And although some days are still really tough, I have found a peace that I never knew existed.

I am so thankful this Thanksgiving.

I could be bitter that it has been another year and I'm still childless (and sometimes I am!!), but I find myself really, really thankful.

I look around me and see that I have been given the opportunity to get up every morning and do what I love! Most people don't get to do that! To you, maybe doing hair doesn't sound like that great of a job, but it is my dream job!!!! I have amazing people in my chair every day and I feel so much love from them. I get to talk to them and really learn from them and show them love back. Not only do I get to do what I love, but I get to wake up next to a man that I love. I would have told you a year ago that I couldn't imagine loving my husband more, but somehow I love him more now than ever. I'm working on my relationship with my SIL which feels really good. I'm seeing my siblings as they're becoming young adults and I'm really proud of the human beings that they're becoming. I feel so much love an support from my friends and parents. I just am feeling really good about myself.

If this is all making you want to puke, you can read past posts about how miserable I am here and here and many other places in my blog history, and you can be sure there will be more posts like that in the future.

However, today I have a different message, one of real hope. I hope that the next time I feel like I can't take it and I'm really hurting I will remember this feeling of thankfulness. I hope that I will remember all of the reasons that I'm so blessed. I hope I will remember that God has a plan for my life and that His grace can heal all wounds. I hope I will remember that tomorrow things may be completely different. I hope I will remember how strong I am and how much I've endured and accomplished.

This has been my mantra over the past year and I know that there is no way I've gotten through it without God's strength.

"Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

So I will make it through the holidays this year, because I made it through last year. I will be thankful for the blessings I do have instead of focusing on the one I do not. I will hold my friends and family close. I will eat lots and lots of food. I will really focus on peace. And I will be praying that those around me who are struggling like I have will find the same peace that I feel right now.

Five Days Late and One Pink Line Short

Well, that dirty biatch AF came yesterday. FIVE DAYS LATE! I was waiting until day 7 to take a hpt.

Here is my issue: I have reconciled the idea that right now is not the time and that I am trusting God with this. So WHY is it that my body is sabotaging me????? I feel betrayed. I have no idea how I was able get to the point that I was at two days ago. I was planning out how I would announce my pregnancy! WTF?!?!?! It is insane how no matter what state I'm in throughout this process, everything can change in a day.

CD2 and I'm okay. But I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit heartbroken. Despite my better judgment, I got my hopes up. I feel betrayed. By my own body.

So now, it's on to another month. It may sound completely crazy, but it has crossed my mind to actually try not to get pregnant just so that I have no reason to get my hopes up. I know, crazy. I just can't stand to get my hopes up. The day before AF came, I prayed that God would keep me from the pain. I can't stand the pain, and the fear of the pain to come. It is beyond frustrating to be on a path of peace and to pray and pray for peace and clarity and to feel that you're in such a good place and then be brought right back to that place of fear and pain and uncertainty.

I don't have anything particularly insightful to say right now, so I will quote Oswald Chambers:

"Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time"

Hoping Until It Hurts

A couple of days ago all of the girls (not on bcp) that I go to hair school with started their periods. I realized that mine was also to be expected soon. I am now officially 2 days late. This isn't particularly uncommon for me, and yet after 30 months of AF showing up late rather than never I still am able to hold hope that this month she won't come. And yet I find myself getting my hopes up.

I know it is completely illogical. I find myself sitting here thinking "maybe we are that couple that everyone knows who stop trying and get pregnant"!! Yeah, I doubt it. Honestly, if I am pregnant, I would freak a bit as I have recently quit my job and lost my insurance. And yet I find myself getting my hopes up. 

So here I am two Thanksgivings later, two Christmases later, thinking "wouldn't it be lovely to announce it to our families during the holidays"!!! I feel so stupid for even thinking it! And yet I find myself getting my hopes up.

I just got home from the grocery store where on the tampon isle I discovered that they were out of my particular tampax choice and thought "ooooh maybe it's a sign that I won't need them"!!! So I left without tampons that I will most assuredly need in mere days. And yet I find myself getting my hopes up! 

I've even written my tasteful 3 month Facebook announcement in my head that looks a bit like this:

33 months ago my husband and I decided to start a family of our own. 12 months later we were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. 3 months after that we began infertility treatments. 12 months later we decided to give it to God and trust that His timing is better than ours. 3 months ago our prayers were answered with a positive pregnancy test!! Thank you so much for all of the love and prayers you have all sent our way!!!! (insert pic of sonogram)

I know that this is too long for a Facebook post, but I feel that so many pregnancy announcements have made me cringe and cry over the years that mine must contain a disclaimer. I don't fault anyone for announcing their excitement over their pregnancy, they have the right to be overjoyed and announce it in any way that they want. So will I, when it is my turn. I have no idea how I continue to get my hopes up!!!!!!! 

My next post will most certainly be about AF rearing her ugly head. But until then, my hopes are up.

Hi, My Name Is Kendra And I'm A Perfectionist

I am a type A, control freak, perfectionist.

I want perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect nails, perfect clothing, perfect accessories, perfect home, perfect marriage, perfect dogs...are you getting the picture?

Let me explain. These "perfect" things that I want are not deemed perfect by me in light of materialism, but in the sense that they are my idea of the perfect scenario of what my life would be.

I was driving home today and saw a girl out running in the cutest little outfit with amazing legs and felt really crappy about myself for not working out. No matter that I have been working 14 hours a day. It is never enough. I never meet my own expectations.

A couple of years ago my husband and I heard a sermon about the expectations you go into a marriage with and being able to accept that everything is not going to be a fairytale. Why is it that I am able to understand and accept the limitations within my marriage but not within myself?

Shadows

In keeping with my musical inner monologue as of late, here's another amazing ballad:

There is a sanctuary,

A shelter from the storm

Seek and you will find it

Run until you see it

If you can hear the thunder, coming back for more

To you there is hope and for you the anchor holds

There is a shadow dark enough to hide ya

There is a lime light bright enough to blind ya

But when the saints they sing into the heavens

There is a God who’s big enough to save us

Let go of your troubles

Break out of your chains

Sit down at the table with all the saints who came

If you can see the fire, just enough flame

To you there is healing

For you there is joy in pain

There is a shadow dark enough to hide ya

There is  a lime light bright enough to blind ya

but when the saints they sing into the heavens

There is a God who’s big enough to find us

There is a river strong enough to take ya

There is a mountain high enough to break ya

but with the saints they sing into the heavens

There is a God who’s big enough to save us

And with love we’ll carry on

Cause grace was strong enough

And we will join our hands

And sing of all these battles won

And with love we’ll carry on

Cause grace was strong enough

That is Samestate "Shadows"

Thirty Months

I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Thirty months and I'm still barren
Picked all my weeds but still no flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Thirty months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Thirty months and I'm still standing here
Thirty months and I'm getting better yet
Thirty months and I still am

Thirty months and it's still harder on me
Thirty months I've been living here without you now
Thirty months, thirty months

Thirty months and I'm still breathing
Thirty months and I still remember it
Thirty months and I wake up

Thirty months and I'm still barren
Picked all my weeds but still no flowers


(Kelly Clarkson's lyrics about recovery from addiction with my own little touches of IF)

Praying for Peace

Today I heard the testimony of a strong woman who I admire and it reminded me that everyone has different things in life that they struggle with and that God has a plan for each of us if only we will be obedient to Him and walk in faith. It was not only a testimony of faith, but it also reminded me of the power of prayer.

I may have mentioned it in another post, but a friend of mine told me recently that "God can make overnight changes". This may be a no brainer for some of you, but for me it was a totally new concept. I guess I had always thought that change takes time and that's just the way it is. So this idea blew my mind!

Here's where I'm going with this: I think I'm done praying for a baby. I've prayed for a baby for almost three years now. God knows I want the baby. Another friend told me that "if God puts a desire in your heart, He will fill it". So now I'm focusing on a new prayer: peace.

"We do not grow into a spiritual relationship step by step - we either have a relationship or we do not. The only way you can get to know the truth of God is to stop trying to find out and by being born again. If you obey God in the first thing He shows you, then He instantly opens up the next truth to you."
- Oswald Chambers

I'm a seeker. My entire being seems to be about knowledge. Philosophy is what propels me. Some people crave sugar, caffeine, or even attention...I crave knowledge. I need the stimulation of creativity and thought to get through the day. But, I have to wonder if all of this seeking and questioning is harmful to a peaceful existence? Can I crave knowledge and also give myself fully to God by faith?

I look back at myself and who I've been throughout this IF journey. I think of all of the restlessness and searching for answers and I wonder if it was an unhealthy way to be. Not that I'm saying I could have helped it, but I wonder if my nature to seek information caused me more stress than solace. I would endlessly Google symptoms and scenarios, and in the end, whether or not I knew all of the ins and outs of the IF game made no difference to me. I still don't have a baby. Maybe if I had not sought so much information I would have given things to God much sooner.

I know that all things happen in their own time and I don't wish to take back all that I've learned over the past couple of years, but I do wonder if having this philosophical nature is incongruent with a peaceful state of mind. Can I seek knowledge and also be obedient to a God when it requires me to follow Him by faith alone?

The Dalai Lama teaches that you can reach peace through reason. If you can wrap your mind around compassion and understand it for even a brief moment and then meditate on it, you can find peace. So is there some middle ground? Is it enough that my current search is for peace? If my philosophy is peace and the knowledge that I seek is peace, then will the result be peace?

I understand that I am rambling. These are the things that keep me up at night. I sometimes wonder what keeps other people up at night. I think we are all searching for something in life. For so long I have been searching for a baby, and now my search is to be at peace and to give myself fully to God's will. What are other people searching for?

A Sucker With Low Self-Esteem?

My self-esteem is crap right now.

Maybe it is because I was accused of being terrible at the job I've been doing for nine years.

Maybe it is because my skin has gone to hell from stress.

Maybe it is because I have no time to work out.

Maybe it is because I have no time to be romantic with my husband (much less to shave my legs).

Maybe it is because I put all of my eggs in the baby making basket for over two years and failed.

Maybe it is because I am nervous about putting all of my eggs in a new basket.

For whatever reason, my self-esteem sucks. I feel ugly. I feel out of shape. I feel very crappy.

The reason I am writing these things is because I have found that when negative thoughts are festering in me, it is best to call them out and then be done with it so I can replace them with better thoughts.

I was strong enough to quit my job when it was becoming toxic to me.

I trust that God will give me a baby when it is His time.

My husband adores me.

I have three of the cutest dogs ever.

I am getting to follow my dream of being a hairdresser.

I feel bad for all of the complaining that I seem to do, because I really do have a lot to be happy about. I think everyone must feel like this sometimes. It is not a good place to be, so I hope it doesn't last long.

Not The Baby I Was Praying For

It was late (as usual) and I was driving home from work. I crossed in front of my house (to go around and down the ally to my garage) and saw something small on my front porch. I came in the back door and went to open my front door (thinking I had a package). In pranced a tiny kitten. The fluffiest, cutest, sweetest little flea-ridden kitten you've ever seen. The second I picked it up, it started purring.

I have 3 Chihuahuas. THEY LOVED THE KITTEN!!!! It was as if they knew it was a baby that needed to be cared for. They licked it and followed it around the house (I didn't know it had fleas at this point in time).

I don't do cats. I grew up with the crazy cat lady (my mom) and I just don't do cats. Kittens are adorable, but this one too would grow up to be a cat. So I promptly called my mom (crazy cat lady) to come and get the little kitten. By the time she got there, the kitten was curled up in the dog bed with two of the three Chihuahuas asleep.

It broke my heart.

How many times have we IFs wished that the stork would drop off a baby on our front porch. BUT THIS WAS NOT THE BABY I WAS PRAYING FOR!

Where did this kitten come from? How did it get onto my porch? This just proves that God has a sense of humor.

Maternity Models Wanted!

I've been too busy and exhausted this week to even open my computer until today. I just logged on to my facebook and for some reason noticed that one of the ads running on the right side of the page was looking for maternity models and depicted a very young looking pregnant woman! AF came to town yesterday. I x'd the ad and marked it OFFENSIVE!

I have about another week and a half of hell at my current job...bring on the poverty!

Thats all

xoxo

Fertility - NOT COVERED

I have been MIA for about a week and was a horrible participant in IComLeavWe, but for good reason.

I recently started hairdressing school and with that have been working 14-15 hour days that end at about 11pm. The first week I had a cold, so that was fun. The second week, all hell broke loose at work. Without getting into the gory details, I will leave it at this:

Dear Grown Men Who Would Rather Push People Down To Get To Where They Want To Go Than Do The Work That It Takes To Be Successful:

I'm sorry that my hard work, confidence and ambition are "intimidating" and make you feel bad about yourself. Instead of trying to bring me down by making false accusations and defaming my good character, how bout we team up and help each other to both be successful. Oh, you don't want my help because I'm a 25 year old woman and you have an aversion to hard work? Well, best of luck to you in your future!!!!

XOXO,
Kendra

(I do want to briefly point out that said 30-year-old douchebag has two small children (little girls) with a woman that he refers to as his wife though they are not married for whatever reason)

So I took this peach of a situation as God's final push to say, "Quit your miserable job, go to school full time, and let yourself be happy!" And I did. Today I formally announced my resignation.

All of this means that I will be dead broke for the next 9 months (for some reason I find it ironic that it takes the same amount of time to get my cosmetology license as it would to bake a baby), I will lose my insurance, and we will not be taking our trip to Italy next year. We looked into my husband's company's insurance, and it was a joke! Almost 3x the cost of our current plan and no infertility coverage. But you know what, I would rather be happy now than be miserable for another year and get a trip to Italy and insurance to pay for more disappointment. And plus, maybe I will be such an amazing hair stylist that I will make enough money to go to Italy and pay for infertility treatments out of pocket....one can dream!!!

What it all boils down to is that recently I made the decision that I was going to stop fighting, planning, controlling, and give my life fully to God. I went rogue with infertility, and apparently I'm going rogue with the rest of my life! And you know what? IT FEELS PRETTY DARN GOOD!!!!!!!

IComLeavWe

In honor of my first IComLeavWe week, I wanted to set up a fool proof way to navigate my blog in order to find the posts that best speak to you. The past few months have been mostly about me reconciling the decision that instead of "trying" for a baby, I am going to "try" to find a space for peace in my life. So here are a few of my favorite most recent posts in order from the time the decision was made (8) until today (1):

1. It's Only Okay If I Say It (finding an attitude and spirit of peace)
2. Always Worrying About Tomorrow (changing my thought patterns)
3. Sending Out A Big F-You To Infertility (deciding where to put my anger)
4. 9 Things I Shouldn't Have To Deal With As An Infertile (fun and sarcastic)
5. My Infertility Story All Wrapped Up In A Bow (writing my IF Timeline)
6. Knock On Wood (worrying about whether or not I've made the right decision)
7. Made It Through AF (without calling the doctor to start Femera IUI round 1)
8. Done Fighting (making the decision to go rogue)

If you're interested in how I got to this point, everything before July 2011 tells the tale of realizing IF, taking a natural approach (aromatherapy, acupuncture, herbs, meditation), 6 rounds of Clomid and 2 IUIs (with all the gory details), all of the stupid things that people say, and being pissed off.

I wrote this blog not only to help myself, but to help others as well, so I can't wait to hear how my words encourage/help/effect/touch/inspire/depress(hopefully not) you!

Really? Really?????

The following is nothing but a rant. I have nothing nice to say and unlike my mother always told me, I'm going to say it all!!!! There is no happy ending at this point. No nice bow wrapped around it. There will be no inspirational quote at the end. Sorry, this just is not one of those posts.

It all began last week. I knew that I would be in school from 8:30AM to 1:00PM and at work from 2:00PM to 11:00pm Tuesday through Saturday. I did not, however, know that I would also be sick and all hell would break loose. I started feeling sick Monday night and by Tuesday morning I was miserable. I had a horrible headache, sinus pressure, the whole shabang. And I had a 14 hour day. 5 days in a row. Are you beginning to understand the rant? Oh it gets better!

I am in hair school and not surprisingly at 25 years old, I am one of the oldest students. At the beginning of class on Friday, one girl announces that her period is three weeks late and she's taken 3 pregnancy tests and they were all positive but she doesn't know if she's pregnant. So another girl (18 years old) states that she hates kids. Well she doesn't hate them but she hates when they cry, specifically saying, "I wish there was a surgery that could take the crying and spitting up parts out of the baby" and starts asking everyone about birth control because she's getting married in December. A third girl responds, "Why do you need birth control". 18 year old says, "Because I'm getting married!" Third girl, "I know but that's the whole point of getting married". Me, "Um, not everyone gets married to have children! Not everyone is mean to be a parent!" FUN TIMES!!! So apparently the this girl believes that God's purpose for marriage is to have children. Hmmmm so what is the point of my marriage then huh?? I was pissed! I actually had to get up and leave before I punched these two idiots. I know that I live on the "Bible belt", but the ignorant things that people say never cease to amaze me.

I have no idea how I made it through work on my feet for 14 hours every day but I somehow got to Saturday. I knew that my Sunday was only an 8 hour shift and I was looking forward to it and to Monday off. Unfortunately when I got off work Saturday night I had an urgent message from my mother to call her back. My great grandmother had died.

I feel that continuing without saying a few words about my wonderful great grandmother would leave out a piece of the puzzle. My great grandmother was feisty. She survived the Great Depression, breast cancer, 70 years of marriage, and the death of her soul mate 9 years ago. She was 93 and died peacefully in her own bed. She was kind, compassionate, and generous. She lived a joyful life. She was dearly dearly loved and will be missed by everyone who knew her.

There are two other extremely significant things that happened. I wrote it all out and deleted it because I feel like some stories are impossible to tell. Both things could set back my infertility journey significantly. One has to do with my husband and is therefore not my story to tell. The other is the fact that I may be quitting my job earlier that I had planned and lose my health insurance.

I understand that there are things in my life that I cannot control and that I must learn only to control the way I react to situations. What I do not understand is how I can feel as though I am doing all of the right things and then all of this happens. I seriously feel like I am constantly being shoved back into this state of mind where I cannot figure out the point of it all. Just when I felt like I was getting somewhere and making some real progress...

It's Only Okay If I Say It!!

You know how when you're younger if you say your mom is a total hag for not letting you go out with your friends it's okay, but if your friend was to say the exact same thing, you would get defensive. I think IF is the same way for me right now. There are a couple of things a fertile should never say to an infertile:


1. Everything happens for a reason (Really?? Tell that to the women who have had multiple miscarriages...they'll kick you in the teeth!)


2. Maybe you're just not ready (Oh, and you were more ready when your husband was cheating on you and you suddenly got pregnant so you decided to get back together? I see.)


Yet I find myself saying these exact things to myself.


Though I have good and bad days, I have to say that I never could have imagined a year ago (or even 6 months ago) that I could be so happy right now. I look at what is happening in my life and I truly believe that God has a plan for me that is so much more than I can imagine! I got to visit London and Paris last year. I graduated Cum Laude with my bachelors degree. I am following my dream to be a hair stylist. In the next three months I will be completely out of credit card debt. My husband and I are closer than ever. I'm writing and learning to make pottery and practicing yoga. I am filling my life with creativity and joy and experiences that I could not have imagined. I have learned so much about myself and created space for peace in my life. I am saving and planning for a trip to Italy next year. And this all happened while ttc. Maybe a baby doesn't fit into all of that? Maybe God knew something I didn't? Maybe everything happens for a reason? Maybe I'm just not ready? Maybe all of this will prepare me to be a wonderful mother?


I am not telling you that it doesn't still hurt that I am childless. It doesn't take away what I've been through the past three years. It's not like I've covered the hurt with a little bandage and I now suddenly realize that everything will be fine and I no longer need to worry about my future. It certainly doesn't mean that I no longer want to be a mother. Of course I do. It is just that I am reconciling my pain with logic and deciding to believe that there is a plan for my life. 


The pain is a big part of the plan, but so is the joy. I really think that I have discovered this peace by taking control of my thought process. Every time negative thoughts or worries about IF start to seep into my mind, I don't let them consume me, I just shut them down and remind myself that if God wants me to have a baby He will give me one. Either way there is nothing I can do about becoming a mother right now, so worrying about it makes no difference. So I just have to trust God. 


Finally I want to educate you with a few things from Tati's blog Connecting The Dots that fertile friends/family members can say to offer support.

1. "I'm so sorry this is happening to you, life is so unfair "
2. "I am here if you need to talk" (Note: and really mean it)
3. People can listen without promising (Oh, don't worry, you'll get pregnant)
4. "I'm sorry, this must be so hard"
5. People can still keep inviting IF'ers to family/social events. Even if they say no every time. Keep the invites coming. Eventually they will be in the right place to attend. It makes them feel less isolated.
6. Close friends could remember things the person likes such as purse shopping, sea salt chocolate, hiking, etc and use those to help pick them up when they are having rough days. When depressed it is hard to remember the things you love.
7. "I am sorry you are having a bad time and are going through this. Is their anything I can do to help? Anything you need" (Note: Because after miscarriage/failed tx, they could use someone to help walk their dog or do a load of laundry)
8. "I can't imagine how hard that must be."
9. "I'm so sorry, if you need anything please let me know."
10. "I hope it happens for you soon."

I am just praying that this positive attitude and spirit of peace last!!!!!!

Why you gotta be so mean?

AF came (AGAIN) as expected and here is my message to her, to infertility in general, and to all of the fertiles who don't understand and say stupid S***!!


I know I'm from Texas, but I don't listen to country music. For Taylor Swift I make an exception!


You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again got me feeling like I'm nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I'm wounded
You, pickin' on the weaker man

Well, you can take me down with just one single blow
But you don't know what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides and your wild fire lies and your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don't already see them
I'll walk with my head down trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

I'll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now 'cause you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

And I can see you years from now in a bar, talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion but nobody's listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't [conceive]

But all you are is mean
All you are is mean and a liar and pathetic and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean

But someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean, yeah
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

Someday, I'll be, living in a big old city
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
(Why you gotta be so mean?)
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?



Silver lining: This cycle was exactly a perfect 28 days long with only a week of pre menstrual spotting! And AF hasn't been the biatch that she was the past two months! So all in all, I really can't complain...

Kids...

So one of the things that I love so much about kids is the crazy things they say. My mom watches my niece (A), a first grader, during the day while my sister (a single mom) is at work. This is the text I got after she picked up A from school today, enjoy:

Mom: When I picked A up from school this is what she said, "There is this boy and I don't really like him." I asked why and she said, "He blows bubbles with his spit annnd he eats his school supplies." I laughed so hard!

Me: Like he eats paper, glue, chews his pencils, what???

Mom: She said yes to all of the above! Ha. She told him he really should stop if he wants friends. It's just gross.

Me: Hahaha

These are the ridiculous things that only kids say that I feel I am missing out on!! There is a commercial for Tyson chicken nuggets with all of these little kids who say why they don't like certain food and one little boy is so insanely adorable that my husband and I will rewind it and watch it over and over just cracking up. My husband says he wants a "rudey tude little boy", and I know this is why. When I think about having a child that is a mixture of both of our personalities, it reminds me of how much joy a child would bring to our little family and what great parents we would be. And it hurts. I cuddle my puppies and watch them play and I think to myself, "wow, I love these little dogs so much. Imagine how much I could love a child". And it hurts.

Our Idiot Surprise Pregnancy

Last week I wrote a post about things that I shouldn't have to deal as an infertile. Well one of my points was about movies that contain surprise pregnancies, and last night I was sneak attacked by that exact situation.

Our Idiot Brother is a movie about a guy and his three sisters, one of whom is a bisexual and in a lesbian relationship. I feel I must preface my problem with this movie with the fact that I am a huge supporter of the LGBT community. I have grown up around and have many friends/family members who are gay. I just feel the need to point this out to assure you what I am going to say next is directed towards the insensitivity of hollywood not as an attack on the LGBT community. At any rate, the bisexual sister (played by Zoe Deschanel) cheats on her partner with a man and gets pregnant. There is a whole scene where she is breaking open the packet of first response pregnancy tests and peeing on a stick. She then holds the stick up to read the results and says, "F***!!" The following scenes include her saying things like, "What the F am I going to do" and "I've ruined my life".

I am not just pissed that the pregnancy was a surprise to me but also because of the way that pregnancies always seem to be portrayed in movies! Why is there always some kind of unwanted pregnancy that gets reconciled and accepted as a positive thing in the end? Where are the movies about IFs who finally get pregnant after four IUIs and two rounds of IVF and five years of struggling to have a baby? Oh, does that not make good entertainment? America would rather see movies about women coming to accept their unplanned pregnancies?

Furthermore, my husband and I have decided that there are two other topics necessary to every movie we've seen in the past year or so (other than these unplanned pregnancies): gay couples and marijuana use. I understand and totally appreciate hollywood is using movies as a platform for social change and I also happen to support both of these movements, however it would be nice if some other social problems could also be addressed. There has been a movie about a gay couple having children through a sperm donor recently (though I can't remember the name), but what about a straight couple dealing with infertility??? It's always a single Tina Fey or Jennifer Aniston and it's always a comedy and it always ends with a surprise pregnancy! Let's get real!

Melissa reminded us Stirrup Queens this week that:

7.3 million Americans are diagnosed with infertility.  That’s 11.8% of the child-bearing population.  Worldwide, it comes out to be about 10% of the child-bearing population.  It’s not that rare a situation.

I know that infertility is becoming a less taboo subject because of all of the women who are blogging and writing and speaking out about what they have been through, I just wish Hollywood would stand up and take notice that 10% of the adults paying to watch their movies aren't interested in this trend of surprise pregnancy story lines!!!

All I wanted was a nice night out with my husband, and bam a surprise pregnancy and a rant!
C'est La Vie...

Always Worrying About Tomorrow

A friend and I were having a conversation a few weeks ago about all of our irrational worrying and how it causes so much unnecessary stress in our lives. She is a person who stresses about everything as it happens (in the moment stresser) and I am always worrying about what may happen tomorrow or next week or next month or next year. So here I am, about 8 days away from AF (spotting away any tiny hope of a BFP), and I'm worrying about it. What can I possibly do to keep it from coming? NOTHING. Is there anything in my power that will control how horribly incapacitating my cramps are? NO. So why the heck am I worried about it? BECAUSE IT'S WHAT I DO.

I have heard about changing your thought patterns and breaking habits, and I've tried it too, but never really committed to it. So in order to continue seeking the peace that I know is possible for me, I am going to focus on changing my habits. Every time I begin to think that I CAN'T DO THIS, WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF, HOW WILL I REACT, I am going to shut it down and give it to God.

"So never worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:34

“If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry.” - Dalai Lama

Sending Out A Big F-You To Infertility

Warning: I'm ranting and getting a bit personal today, so feel free to skip the BS and go straight to the inspirational part at the bottom :)

I don't usually cuss/curse/swear too often (though it's not like I need to worry about small children hearing me since I have none) but lately I've noticed myself dropping a whole bunch of big F-YOUs! These F-YOUs are not directed towards people, but rather inanimate objects/situations. A couple of weeks ago I kicked a ladder at work and thought I had broken my foot and the words out of my mouth were F-YOU! Every time I see those damn First Response commercials where they talk about your body knowing you're pregnant before your missed period...F-YOU!!!!!! Yesterday, I burned the heck out of my arm on the oven and out came a big F-YOU!! Today, I'm going to the bathroom (TMI ALERT) and looked down at the toilet paper (as we IFs do) and saw spotting (6dpo) and all I had in me was F-YOU!

I know there is no chance of a BFP this month because my husband and I have only been intimate twice (we'll get to that in a bit) and no where near O. Maybe that is how uber-fertile people get pregnant, but not me. Anyway, my point is that I'm not even bothering to kid myself into thinking this could be some kind of infamous implantation bleeding.

So back to all of these F-YOUs...Who the heck am I talking to? Is this some kind of late onset tourettes?? I'm not a particularly angry person (though I do exhibit signs of road rage). Is it possible that I am dealing with some latent anger towards IF (duh)? The problem is that it seems I am not giving the IF the F-YOU, but my own body. It is my body's clumsiness and failure at baby baking that I'm so pissed at. I thought that I was really getting to a place where I could reconcile my mind-body problem, so this seems like quite a setback.

Here's where it gets personal...I would assume that it is very common for IFs to suffer from low self-esteem and to struggle with feeling completely comfortable in a body that has failed us. I am definitely dealing with both! There were very few times this month that I felt good about myself and even fewer that I felt even remotely sexy. I have a wonderful husband who is incredibly understanding, but I still feel bad for not wanting to be intimate. I'm actually a very sexual person, so it's very frustrating for me as well. I think what pisses me off the most about my body is okay, fine, I can't be pregnant right now, but what the heck is with the yeast infections and the spotting?!?! If I am to continue on searching for peace with IF and finding happiness and coping with being childless then I should get to live it up right?!?!?! Instead I get about one week a month that I feel comfortable being intimate with my husband, maybe two if I don't get a yeast infection. That's a pretty big F-YOU to me from my body!!!!

I'm left with these words from the Dalai Lama:
"We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace within ourselves."

So I'm going to start consciously directing my F-YOUs to IF itself and not to my body!!!

9 Things I Shouldn't Have To Deal With As An Infertile

It seems unfair that while going through my daily life not only do I have to deal with normal day-to-day crappy things that everyone must endure but I must simultaneously (and might I add incessantly) deal with the fact that I am infertile, childless, damaged, etc. So I have decided to make a list of things that I feel I should not have to deal with as an infertile. Enjoy.

1. Cramps. Cramps only add insult to injury when every month my period is a reminder that I am not pregnant (again!!). I can deal with the tampons/pads etc., what I cannot deal with is the fact that I have to be in undeniable pain for at least the first 24 hours of said period. At this point in my infertility story, I understand that month after month, AF will undoubtedly rear her ugly head and I will be disappointed, but the cramps are just a slap in the face!

2. Work. I manage a clothing store where our target customer is age 18-25, which also happens to be the prime age for baby making (except in my case of course). So on a daily basis, I get to help pregnant teens and newlyweds find clothes to fit over their new baby bumps. The excessive number of pregnant teens I see in my store every day convinces me that this world makes no damn sense. Then there are the women complaining about how they’re fat and sick and their feet are swollen because of their pregnancy (it's so tough and they're so tired). And all the while I have to sit there and help them find things to make them feel better about their awful circumstance.  (Now you probably understand why I’m working on a career change). Therefore I think I should be able to collect some kind of unemployment/disability pay on the grounds of infertility.

3. The flu/any common cold. Every time I have a sniffle or a bout of nausea after ovulation I assume (pray) that it is an early pregnancy symptom. I obsess over every sore throat, every stomach rumble, every headache until the moment when AF comes. It is simply unfair to have to be tricked by my own body into believing some kind of miracle has occurred and I am suddenly pregnant. Not to mention the fact that using a sick day from work because of a cold makes me want to scream when I would much rather use a sick day when I’m having a nervous breakdown over infertility.

4. Jury duty. Any mother who is suspected of harming her child, being neglectful, being selfish, child endangerment…they’re all guilty in my mind. (I should add that I believe any parent who has committed a crime has endangered the welfare of their child). Do they ask as a part of weeding out possible jurors whether or not you’re hopped up on infertility meds and a crazy, emotional biotch?? Enough said.

5. In-laws. Some IFs out there may have amazing, supportive, loving in-laws...so happy for you!!! My in-laws, unfortunately, are the epitomy of unsupportive, negative, hateful, ignorant (getting the picture?). It has been made quite clear to me that my husband and I will never get the kind of love from them that we deserve, and yet we still find ourselves hurt by them when they’re unsupportive. My MIL loves to kick me while I’m down, and because I’m already at my worst, I am unable to respond in a rational manner. So it is just best that I not have to deal with my in-laws while I continue to be infertile. And if that is forever, so be it ;)

6. Speeding tickets. Police officers, I assume, are not trained to deal with infertile women who are overly emotional due to IF meds or right after a BFN. I can’t promise that when being pulled over I will not burst out into tears and, when the officer is less than sympathetic, end up being arrested for assault. What if I am speeding because I am on the way to an IUI with a vial of my husband’s best sperm in my bra?? We just can’t have that.

7. Waiting in the same waiting room with all the pregnant women at the OB. THERE SHOULD BE A SEPARATE WAITING ROOM FOR INFERTILES!!!!! Why should I have to sit there while they muse over their sonogram photos of their “little peanut” with their entire family??? Is it not enough that I’m having to get a sonogram (which for an infertile consists of a wand up your hooha) with only pictures of my creepy looking ovaries and zero baby, but now I have to sit here and listen to how excited your are about your pregnancy? Are you f-ing kidding me????? It’s not their fault, and when it is finally my turn I will be right there just as (if not more) excited to see my little nugget, but hello doctors, a little sensitivity please!! The time I had to wait in the waiting room for my second IUI with a girl that I went to high school with (who had been married for a month) and was pregnant was unbearable.

8. Movies who’s storylines include a surprise pregnancy. A LITTLE BIT OF WARNING WOULD BE NICE! I go to the movies to forget about my problems, have a laugh, and enjoy myself. Then BAM a surprise pregnancy! They’re always so surprised and upset, “what am I going to do??” Even the movies recently that include ART are not about infertiles per say but about women who have no found the right mate and choose insemination. It’s not enough that every time I turn around another celebrity is pregnant, but they’re playing pregnant women in the movies as well! Someone posted on another website, “Didn’t you know? Celebs have better boobs and better eggs. Just a fact.”

9. Wrinkles. I understand wrinkles come from stressing over your children, so no children, no wrinkles right?? It seems to me that it would only fair if I never have children that I should get to look young forever. Then when women look at me with that pity in their eyes saying, "Oh, that's Kendra, she's barren, poor thing" it will be followed by the exclamation, "she sure does look good though!!!!" Plus it is unfair to have to spend so much money on "elective" IF procedures and still end up having to pay some doctor for botox or, God forbid, a face lift. 

My Infertility Story All Wrapped Up In A Bow...

I just went through and added a timeline to my blog. So there it is, My Infertility Story all wrapped up with a neat little bow. I think it is helpful to break down what I've tried/been through for other IFs who visit my blog. Not only a way to catch up quickly, but also to show what has (or up to this point, hasn't) worked for me. I'm not sure why, but writing my story in that way feels like I'm diluting what I've been through over the past three years. 29 months of BFNs. 29 months of feeling like a failure. 29 months of getting my hopes up and then being crushed. Yes, some months have been easier than others. But the months that are really bad, wow. I can still feel that pain from last year when our first IUI didn't work like it was yesterday. All of those negative pregnancy tests and just sitting there in the bathroom crying and praying for another little pink line to appear. Oh those two illusive pink lines. How I have yearned for them.

My last post was about using this blog to compartmentalize IF in an attempt keep it from interfering with all of the happy parts of my life. But maybe, just maybe IF has affected more of me than I can even understand at this point. Maybe IF has touched every part of me and really changed who I am.

I am trying to carve out a space in my life where I can find happiness no matter what is going on around me that I can't control. A place where whether I continue my life childless or not, I can still find a way to be happy. I don't know exactly what that looks like yet, but I think it starts with looking at the battle scars I've acquired and deciding that they have brought me to this point, they have made me this person, and she's no so bad! Women are basically programmed by our society to be insecure. Maybe going through these failures and heartbreaks will make me unbreakable. Maybe I will come out of this as some kind of self-aware, secure, compassionate Superwoman!?!?!

Well, here's hoping there is more out there for me than a bunch of negative pregnancy tests and bathroom tears!

Knock on Wood

Well as soon as I asked the question "Will it last?" I was given the abrupt answer of, "NO!" It is as if the decision of taking time off from infertility treatment was made and then my mind quickly dismissed it. I'm not saying that I'm going to call the RE tomorrow, I'm still firm in my decision (what can I say, maybe I'm stubborn), but I'm still combing the internet for diagnosis and treatment options. There is no way that I'm ever going to accept that I could be childless forever. Not gonna' happen. However, giving this problem to God is much easier said than done. I read about all of these women who have tried and tried for a baby and finally get pregnant. Yes it is a miracle, but more often than not it is the result of fertility treatments. I just feel so jaded by the medical community right now. I feel like I wasn't taken seriously in the beginning because of my age (I was just 23 when this all began) and now I just don't trust that their treatment suggestions are productive.

I'm not saying I'm keen on the idea of taking a couple of years off to "see what happens" but I feel like it is honestly the healthiest thing for me to do. I think that is the rational part of me that is having the biggest problem with all of this. I am beginning hair school in September to follow my dreams and head to a new career. Unfortunately, my insurance at my current job is amazing and has paid for so much of this treatment and I will have to switch to my husband's crappy insurance once I leave my job (approx 18mos from now). I just don't want to make a decision based on finances. But I am seriously stressed about the decision I have made. Will I decide two years from now that I want to do the same crap (Femera, IUI, lap surgery, etc.) and have to pay an arm and a leg for it when I could do it now and let my insurance pay? It may sound as if I am wavering in my decision and I assure you I am not. This blog is for me to vent my frustrations and get some of my crazy thoughts off my chest so that I can be at peace. This is what is going on in my mind right now. I saw this old post on another blog and thought it was so beautifully said that I just had to copy it:

In my first post, I talk about how this blog is a way to compartmentalize my infertility. Instead of allowing it to seep into every relationship, every thought, and every thing like I did the first time around -- I wanted to get it all out here and leave the joyful areas of my life alone.

Infertile?

I was just thinking about the label "Infertile". The "Medical Community" says that if you have been having unprotected sex for one year and have not conceived, you are "Infertile". So therefore, I am "Infertile"! Here's my problem...what is the cause of my infertility??? Okay, I know that there are all kinds of statistics about "unexplained infertility"...bla bla bla. I just want to know why/how I have spent thousands of dollars and 2.5 years being "Infertile" and no one can tell me for sure why? It is absolutely infuriating! These doctors have been so quick to prescribe treatments for the infertility, but could somebody please try to figure out what the cause of the infertility is and treat that!!!

So this brings me to the conclusion that it no longer makes sense for me to give doctors my hard earned money when they have given me NOTHING in return!!! I know I haven't had the FULL work-up, so I can't completely blame the doctors, but I guess there's something about a $2000 hysterosalpingogram that my insurance doesn't cover or "exploratory surgery" to see if I have endo that makes my stomach crawl a bit! I realize that this all makes me sound as if I'm trying to buy a baby and that is not the case (although the thought has crossed my mind), but thinking about it, if I was to give Louis Vuitton thousands of dollars, I would expect a pretty fabulous handbag in return! These doctors have given me NOTHING! Not a diagnosis, not a reasonable treatment plan (because there has been no diagnosis), and certainly not a baby! Therefore, no more money for you doctors!! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Will It Last?

I don't know if anyone is even reading this blog, but my intent in creating it was not only to help others, but to help myself. This blog not only provides a space for catharsis of emotions that this process has produced but also a space for creativity. I am innately a very stressed out, neurotic, obsessive, controlling personality. I am constantly overthinking every second of my life. This blog has given me a space to voice these emotions/fears/stresses without worry. I can send thoughts out into the world so that they no longer torment me.

That said, I feel as though I have found a space of peace in my life, mind, soul and body...but how long will it last? I'm always looking at tomorrow and wondering what it will bring, and this is no different. Even when I'm happy and everything is wonderful, I'm waiting for the bottom to fall out. I wish I wasn't this way. I don't think we can change who we are, but I do believe we can change how we think! So I pledge to myself that I will continue on a road of peace and strength. When I begin to doubt myself and my decisions, I will remind myself that God has a plan for me and He can make overnight changes! I can't look to the world (ie. doctors, shopping, vacations, things...) for peace, I have to find it in God, in myself.

It Could Be Worse!?!

You may have ready my post about "Things People Say" when you're TTC that are hurtful (whether intentionally or not). I mentioned my sister-in-law and the fact that she had been less than supportive of our infertility. She and I have had a strained relationship from day one, to say the least. It is a situation where we both want to make it work, but we also both have very strong personalities and even stronger opinions. This compacted with the fact that my mother-in-law and I haven't been on speaking terms for about a year and a half makes this all super fun! So my SIL and her husband were trying to have a baby for a little less than a year (she says they were only "trying" for one month) and in June she found out they were expecting. Here's where things get tricky! She decided to use this monumental moment in her own life to try to get the family back together (my husband doesn't speak to his mother either). I know that she had the best of intentions, but my infertile mind was like "Of course she wants everyone to be a happy family...it's convenient for her!!!" I was extremely bitter and upset for about a week. I know it's ridiculous, but she and her husband have been together for a minute and trying for half a second and they're pregnant???? Plus the fact that she's 30 and supposedly has PCOS!!

So once I got over the jealousy/frustration/hurt/infertile craziness/etc. I congratulated them, sent a card and moved on. The weird part is that because my husband has been inundated with infertility facts for two years now, his first reaction was "Why are they telling everyone after four weeks anyway?" He knows the stats on early miscarriages. So at 6 weeks she went in for a sonogram (because she had started bleeding and wanted to make sure all was well) and everything looked perfect. The doctor wanted her to come in at 7 weeks just to ease her mind if the bleeding didn't stop. Sadly, at 7 weeks, they discovered that the fetus had stopped growing. Her HCG levels were still progressing, but the fetus hadn't grown since the 6 week sonogram. She didn't want to have the D&C (which I totally understand) and was hoping that nature would take care of things. Unfortunately, her body didn't realize that she wasn't pregnant and she was still experiencing morning sickness and the whole thing. No one likes to throw up, but I think if it's because you're pregnant, it's probably much easier to take. This however, would be unbearable I imagine...insult to injury. It's like week 9 now (I think) and she is going for the D&C tomorrow, her doctor told her her body just hadn't figured it out and may never. I feel so sad and so hurt for her right now.

I've said through this whole thing that I would rather never conceive than lose a baby. I can't imagine going through the excitement of seeing those two beautiful pink lines and knowing that your body is creating a miracle just to lose it. I would be devastated. The silver lining for her is that her doctors are now telling her that she does not have PCOS! They got pregnant the first month they were really "trying" so there is a good chance that they will get pregnant again. I guess everyone's journey is different and filled with struggles, so compassion is the lesson for me. I was so upset when I found out they were pregnant, not because I wasn't happy for them, but because I was sad for us!! And now, I just feel sad for everyone...

Made it Through AF

AF came last week like a tornado! The good news is, there were only three days of spotting before (usually its two weeks of spotting from O to AF). Of course, even though we weren't really "trying" last month, there was that part of my mind that was like "Yay! No spotting? Maybe I'm pregnant?!?!" I know, I know, but at what point will those thoughts stop tempting me? Anyway, I had an INSANE headache the day before she came to town! I took over 3000mg of tylenol (the only time I ever take tylenol or any pain medication is for cramps) and I was still in pain between the headache and the cramps! Then two more easy days and over. So of course I'm thinking "Maybe I'm cured?!?"

Is it ridiculous to think that after all I've been through, my body just needed more time to figure things out? If I look back, I gave it less than 6mos after I got off birth control with very little "trying" before we started all of the natural stuff (vitex, teas, bbt, opks, etc). Then at 7-8mos (it's hard to keep it all straight at this point) I missed my period and that got the ball rolling to really "trying". I then started the acupuncture and all of the herbs. At one year, we went straight to the urologist to get my husband tested (test wasn't so great) and after that it was on to the Clomid crazy train. Here we are, 2.5 years later and I'm wondering if we had just let it go and let things happen naturally if we would have a baby right now! I know it's irrational and unhealthy, but I'm still always finding ways to blame myself. Did I rush things? I find comfort in knowing that God has a plan for my life. I know that we have grown as individuals and as a couple through this journey, but I'm so tempted to want to think that I have control over things. It's so silly because if this whole thing has taught me anything it's that I'm not in control, but I'm sitting here thinking, "Did my want for control cause all of this to begin with?"

So AF came and went and I stuck to my decision not to call the doctor to start Femera and schedule an IUI, but that doesn't mean the thought did not cross my mind. It definitely did...